Hi Anita

I think this is a really complicated and nuanced subject to talk about. I do agree with you about the difficulties with severe trauma.

I think that with anything, these things should be taken with a pinch of salt. The only freedom from suffering is to become a Buddha.

Everyone is different and has different experiences. Some people do have experiences of letting go in different ways. I don’t mean this in a bad way, so please bear with me. I truly believe that people don’t mean this in a bad way. They are just communicating what has helped them. I do understand that it can be hurtful and frustrating because it is not as easy as it sounds to do. Much easier to say the words than go through the difficult process of doing it. A journey which it seems to me you are on by the way.

I’m going to share some of my own experiences to show what these have looked like for me.
After many years of therapy and specifically prolongued exposure therapy I felt absolutely drained. Intense therapy isn’t easy for me and I was non-functioning going through it. It did stop the flashbacks spontaneously occurring. I just needed to take a break after it and not focus so much on the past to function better in my day to day.

At my worst I would have emotional meltdowns. Crying spells for hours. And the thoughts would cycle. With a chronic pain condition that worsens with stress I was in agony. I had been practicing meditation during the times where I was more relaxed and I managed to quiet my thoughts in meditation. I thought, if I can do it in meditation. Perhaps I can do it outside of meditation. I was in a ton of pain and in the middle of a melt down. I literally thought to myself I can’t do this anymore. It is destroying me. STOP! And it did. It took practice to be able to do this consistently. It is very hard to let go of painful emotions.

Emotional meltdowns served a purpose for me. A child uses them to communicate and get attention. I figured out that simply asking for a hug is a better way to get comfort than crying.

In the past, my identity revolved around my conditions physical and mental. It was scary to realise that I had no identity outside of that. Who would I be without it? What if I tried and failed? There is nowhere to hide then. In time, I came to learn that there are many other parts of me and that fear was limiting my autonomy.

Letting go – the book. Allowing emotions to be without keeping the cycle going or repressing them. Letting them move freely and without attachment would be more accurate. This involves facing emotional blocks to letting go.

I will add that a baby when faced with what is distressing it will continue to cry even when comforted. Removing the baby from the stimulus and distracting the baby, due to their short attention span is far more effective.

Conflict for me has a specific role. Hearing the pain that other people express. Being respectful and gentle in communication, no matter what and expressing support even when I’m hurt.

I hope that it helps to see that letting go has many meanings and understanding that it is not a simple or easy process.

I’m sorry that people saying these things has hurt you. I hope that you don’t judge yourself about your own experiences. ❤️

I feel like many times people are uncomfortable with vulnerability, especially when it comes to perceiving the person as suffering. People don’t know what to say and don’t phrase these things very well. Ultimately, they just wish the person wasn’t suffering. Not such a bad wish really.

Hi Anita

Thank you! I like you too. 😊 I appreciate the sentiment. I just approach things from a different perspective. I’m not an island. I see other people’s needs as equal to my own. That doesn’t mean anything bad about your perspective though. Each has its merits, but it is importance to focus on what helps you.

After reflecting on fear of rejection, I came to the conclusion that it exists because I reject myself.

I think you’re doing a really good job of being your own biggest supporter. ❤️ You’re doing some great work on validating your needs. It’s pretty amazing to see. I need to do some more work on that myself.

I’ve been thinking more about this bond you mentioned. Needing your mother as a child. Something struck me as important about it. I wondered what happens to this bond as we grow older. What effect does trauma have on it? How do we heal from it?

Feel free to let me know if there’s anything I can do differently when communicating with you. I don’t want to take away from your experience. ❤️

It is lovely to see you explore and celebrate your autonomy!

Hi Bella

Congratulations on moving into your first home! You clearly have a lot of compassion for your relatives. I think that is a beautiful thing. ❤️

It might be for the best that this happened now, before you are moved in with your mom. I expect that your mom would allow your aunt to visit frequently. It could be quite stressful for you. While you are living in your own place, you get to decide what stress you allow into your home. Something to think about.

It isn’t your fault that your aunt is behaving in this way.

It sounds like your family is rather close. Has your aunt given her opinion which she seems to be upset that she wasn’t asked for yet?

I think it’s beautiful that you are reclaiming your love for your cultures music. You deserve this freedom! ❤️

You put so much into other people. You deserve that same care and attention too. ❤️

I can understand the concern about difficulties with people.

From my perspective, I feel like being able to overcome difficulties with people is important. There are very few people in life that don’t experience conflict in their relationships. It is definitely a hard thing to navigate with PTSD though.

It is not easy at all with everything you have been through. I would imagine that trust can be difficult? I know it is for me.

Hi Adalie

I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been ghosted after being intimate with someone you liked from school. It isn’t an easy thing. ❤️

Dating these days is really tough. It doesn’t sound like you did anything wrong. This is sadly a common occurrence for many people.

Do you find yourself noticing that he is online on social media and having these worries?

Do you have any thoughts about whether you would like to block him or send him a message? Or anything?

Hi Arie

I’m sorry to hear about the difficulties with your family. These things are not easy.

Your family sounds complicated.

I’m glad that the Easter thing went ok – or as well as can be expected. It sounded very awkward to me.

I find it odd that you are expected to go to things that you don’t really want to go to. Then specifically not invited to things that you show an interest in. It is a lot of mixed signals.

It sounds like the sister in law was being honest with you that it is hard for everyone to do things together because people don’t get along.

My family also took this route of doing separate things for special occasions.

It is difficult because whilst your sister in law might want to reconcile there is still conflict with your brother.

I’m sorry that you are blamed for all of this. Your family sounds very stressful to deal with.

It is kind of you to be open to improving the relationship with the sister in law.

In time, it might be easier for you if you emotionally distance yourself from your family. I know it is hard to stop caring because they are your family though.

I imagine these dramas happen over and over again across the years. It doesn’t sound like they are going to stop.

You are honest about your mistakes. But you are not the only one making mistakes and the way that you are treat isn’t fair.

One thing that helped me is understanding that you can only have a relationship with someone if both of you want it. You don’t need to waste your energy on people who aren’t interested. Save it for the people that care about you. ❤️

Hi Anita

Please forgive that I have had a couple of drinks tonight.

Thank you for your kindness! ❤️

I’m glad that you can see that I care, because I do. 😊

I’m sorry to hear that is the memory you have of your father. It is not a very pleasant memory. I don’t understand how people can be so callous to children, especially ones so young. Good riddance!

I feel like a lot of people feel like this and I wonder do we really have free will? Of sorts, maybe. I don’t know?

I’d love to hear more about your journey of discovery of identity and agency.

I understand what you mean about vulnerability allowing people to connect. I just feel like it is a double edged sword. It only works out when both people are open to it and sometimes people can find vulnerability off-putting.

I don’t mean anything to do with you, I just mean generally. It is something that I noticed.

I’m really just exploring motivation because a friend was talking about it and he suggested it might be a bad idea for me to get into it because I’m so busy with my son.

Of course, the quickest way to get me to do something is to tell me not to do it. LOL 😂

British people are um shy with compliments. You don’t have to be so complimentary. I do appreciate your intent and I do understand that it is a different culture. The Americans are very complimentary. ❤️