Hi Anita and Peter

Thank you both for sharing! ❤️

It is fascinating to learn that other people are connecting compassion with history. I have started to do that too in more recent years. I think about the difficulties that people had to deal with in different time periods.

I would agree with you Peter. ❤️

I think I’m just a different kind of person. I grew up emotionally numbing and not feeling emotions. I have this off switch where I can just choose to turn them off when they get too overwhelming.

I had to learn in therapy to tolerate the intensity of my emotions to even feel them. The therapist taught me to do this by connecting to the experience.

So I never really developed the habit of analysing my emotions, thoughts or the experience.

That is not to say that I don’t have automatic negative thoughts, because I do sometimes.

I have also experienced automatic negative thoughts being really distressing.

To answer your question Anita. I recognise them creeping in when I notice my thoughts becoming more negative.

I don’t know if eradicating these thoughts is possible. I know that it is possible to reduce the frequency in a number of ways.

I have learned to see these thoughts as a habit and a recording of my trauma. I try to think who they remind me of. I find it easier to deal with by not identifying with them as my thoughts. I tend to think of my controlled and conscious thoughts as my own.

I see it as a form of self-abuse and try to assess the reality of automatic negative thoughts. It helps me to counter them, but takes a lot of practice. I also don’t like getting too upset with my health issues because stress makes it worse and of course having a child, I cannot take care of him to the best of my ability if I am upset. Meditation was really helpful for me because it taught me to still my mind and accept the presence of all thoughts without being disturbed by them. It was not easy to learn to do though and took a lot of time. I was lucky in that I had a skilled meditator who was able to teach me and figure out ways to overcome some of the challenges that my mental health issues posed. Of course, practicing self-compassion is helpful too. I found that being able to counter negative thoughts was largely dictated by self-compassion.

It is a really unique and challenging process to learn to step back from emotions whilst remaining connected to them.

Well done on countering the negative thoughts Anita! Rock on girl! ❤️

Hi Miss Duchess

Is it okay if I call you that?

First of all I want to say congratulations on graduating!

I’m sorry to hear that you had a difficult room mate in college. It is not easy living with people sometimes. Unfortunately, her behaviour is pretty common in that age group. It must have been hard having your sleep disturbed when you were just interested in focusing on your studies. I’m sorry to hear that your concerns weren’t taken seriously when you asked for help.

Forgiveness can look different to different people. I like to try my best to learn from situations, that way I can put them behind me. Do you think there are any ways that you could handle the situation differently?

Hi Anita

Thank you for sharing your thoughts, feelings, experiences and insights! I’m glad to hear you are okay and I miss speaking to you too. ❤️

I think that the advice about healing is very beneficial.

I’m glad that you are on the road of healing and recovery. You deserve it after everything you have been through.

It is hard to change things that are so deep rooted at such a young age. Raising my son I can’t help but consider all of my words and the ways in which it might affect him.

With love I say it is the nature of children to disobey their parents. They are exploring the world. They don’t know any better. And sometimes they do, but their self-control isn’t developed yet. Negative attention is still attention and there are many tantalising things that might seem worth chancing being chastised.

Raising a child is like training a puppy. You cannot expect anything young to take in a huge amount of information in one go. It takes training little by little, so as not to overwhelm and encourage retention of information. This means being patient and letting some things slide. Understanding that they will learn more as they get older.

Hi Anita and Peter

I just wanted to say that I love the conversation that is happening! ❤️

I haven’t had much time to write because of my studies recently. I have been busy with group projects and exams.

I hope to find a chance to write some this week. 🙏

Both of you keep being awesome! 😄

Hi Everyone

I think the difficulty with severe abuse is that it causes structural issues – brain damage as well as deregulating the nervous system. It is not just that there is attachment. If only it were as simple as attachment.

I truly don’t believe that language is the issue. As I pointed out infants have a full grasp of language at 18 months, they even have memories that last for 9 months at that stage. Language is not the problem. Memory is not the problem. Sense of self is a cornerstone of child development and an infant doesn’t have much of one. It doesn’t develop until the tween years. One of the difficulties severe trauma causes is impairment of sense of self.

Children have total reliance on their caregivers. From a young age their parents define what is right and wrong for them. What is dangerous, what is safe. Reinforcing behaviours that the parents value. The child experiences emotional attunement towards their caregiver. There is a huge amount of control parents have over their children and that is why parental abuse is so damaging.

People with severe trauma have to deal with unpleasant experiences of trauma re-emerging. Learning to accept it, let it happen and let it pass. That is the reality of dealing with these issues. Treating ourselves with compassion when these difficulties occur is vital.

Perhaps I’m approaching this with the knowledge of an infant that developed PTSD at 4 years old. I was never a happy child. I simply did my best to cope with my environment. Children experience the same difficulties that adults can if they are exposed to the same traumatic environment. I honestly don’t see much difference between adults and children. More understanding of the world. More experience and the ability to choose what we would like to do with our lives. Meta cognition as well realise that we do have the ability to shape our own minds.

Hi Anita

Please don’t worry, you don’t need to change anything for me. I’m honestly okay. I know that you are here to support me as well and I really appreciate that! 😊

I don’t think it’s crazy at all. From my perspective, I have thought I hope that my pain is worth it, because the alternative is that it is that it is senseless…

I like lol. I have a funny story about lol. My aunt didn’t know what it meant and thought it meant lots of love. She wrote it at the end of all of her messages. A lot of them came across as rather inappropriate. 😂

I’m glad you feel heard and that the tone in my first message was helpful. I worried it might not be. It was just the ptsd trigger.

Yes, the bond a child has for their parent is special. It is one of the hardest things I ever had to do, walk away from my mother because of the abuse when I loved her. It is an unconditional kind of love, but it does not mean that unconditional suffering should go hand in hand with that.

It doesn’t hurt anymore. However, there is a longing that doesn’t go away for that sweetness I never truly experienced. As you put it so well. A hole that will never be filled unless I do for myself.

Hi Mollie

Congratulations on your degree! It does sound like you’ve been having a rough go of it for a few years now. You are in desperate need a break! It sounds like university finishing was a bit of a fresh start with a lot of hope. And you dream of a fresh start again now with hope.

An approach that I like is making things that I want happen! Planning fun experiences. Eating yummy food.

It sounds like you made a decision that is helpful for you to end the job that is making you feel so unhappy. I hope that studying goes well. Are you planning on working whilst doing this?

For sure, it can be lonely living alone when your friends aren’t living close by or as available as you would like. Studying I’m sure will let you meet some nice people.

It sounds like things are better with your family now?

I like that you are planning on standing up for yourself with the ex. You go girl! 💪❤️

I wonder is there anything that you would love to do that is different from what you would normally do? I’m not sure if you are someone who likes a little pampering? I have a girls night routine for myself. It can be unique to you. I like fancy chocolate, some wine and playing video games. Honestly, anything that makes your heart sing. What does make your heart happy? 🎶

Hi Anita

Thank you for your kind words! ❤️

It is hard to talk about these things sometimes. But I do care and I am here for you. I just needed some time to decompress because our trauma is so similar, I get ptsd triggers sometimes. I wanted to be fully present when writing to you so I can show up for you in a thoughtful way.

I’m glad that eating helped you to feel a little better when things are difficult at the moment.

Please let me know if anything is ever not helpful.

Thank you for the book recommendation! I will definitely get it. I didn’t know the background for why the book was made. That is a beautiful reason, thank you for sharing it. 😊

You have so much empathy for people. I think that is a beautiful thing.

I’m sorry to say that I don’t feel sad for your mother. I care that you are suffering, worrying about her and that you suffered at her hands and she falsely blamed you for it. ❤️