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AlessaParticipantHi Yana
I’m working on patience regarding conflict, people have their own feeling, needs and ways of dealing with things. Patience is something that I struggle with. I am keen always to resolve things quickly. I don’t like living with unresolved conflict. I prefer to face it and address it head on. ❤️
AlessaParticipantHi Tee
I hope you have a lovely holiday! ❤️
That’s great to hear you are setting boundaries with your mother. It is a shame that she doesn’t take them too well. Sadly, expected.
My adopted mother didn’t take me setting boundaries very well either. It ultimately led to communication fizzling out. It is a shame, but I learned to invest only the level of effort the other person is willing to put into the relationship.
Hmm I think I have what some might consider a bit of an odd perspective. I don’t really think in terms of right or wrong anymore. I try to look behind at the need that is being expressed and understand the other person’s emotional experience.
My son doesn’t like being told what to do. When he is asked not to do something he complains and I reassure him. It is like he instinctively worries, does this mean I’ve done something wrong? After I reassure him, he is okay. He just wants to know that he hasn’t done anything wrong (I teach him that mistakes are okay and allowed) and he is still a good boy.
Guilt is something that for me has been self-punitive and I try not to indulge.
Obviously, needs, feelings and boundaries are still important. I do think it is important to understand and care about these things for ourselves and others.
It doesn’t necessarily mean that I have done anything “wrong” persay. My culture is like Canada, we apologise for anything. It is just showing care and courtesy for someone’s feelings.
For example, my sister broke up with her boyfriend. Oh, no! I’m so sorry.
You don’t have to take responsibility for someone else’s experience, but I find that showing care for people when they are hurt, even when they lash out is important. I have found that it facilitates communication. Anger begets anger, but meeting anger with kindness can soften it.
I think the difficulty comes in, is if your mother is unwilling to meet your needs and boundaries. Like mine sadly was. Then you have to consider how much you want to invest in your relationship with her.
The way my therapist said it was, think of her as someone who is sick and don’t expect much.
I don’t know much about your Mother or your experiences with her. I don’t know what she is like. How willing is she to adapt and change? Does she listen to your feelings at all?
It is honestly hard work though and pretty tough to do these things. It’s taken me a long time to figure out. I’m still learning. I need to work on being more patient because I do still make mistakes.
Take care, wishing you all the best! ❤️
AlessaParticipantHi Yana
So good to see you! What a lovely surprise. 🥰
AlessaParticipantHi Thomas
It is okay, mistakes happen. You didn’t know what she had been through. Please don’t worry! I think you’ve done a great job talking to other people. Your voice is very much welcome and appreciated here. ❤️
AlessaParticipantHi Thomas
You still haven’t read her story yet fully have you? I suggested it for a very important reason.
Yes, her foster family beat her. She was also raped going to and leaving school. No wonder she skipped school and didn’t want to go home.
When std tests are forced upon a minor, that is sexual assault in my book. For a woman, that involves inserting a swab and even involve a physical examination. These are delicate and sensitive procedures at the best of times. Now imagine it being forced on you. It would be particularly traumatising after what Laven has been through.
She was a child. Children make mistakes, it is natural. Especially ones who have been through huge amounts of trauma. It is okay to make mistakes.
It might seem like complaining to you. But this might be the first time Laven has told her story from start to finish. For people who have been through severe trauma, connecting with the memories deeply can stop them from reoccurring compulsively. Repetition comes from avoidance of the painful memories.
I understand your desire to give helpful advice, but sometimes context is very important. This is only one page of her story. She wasn’t a delinquent child. She was just a scared, traumatised and lonely one.
AlessaParticipantYou inspired me to write something too!
Darkness and light
Darkness shrouds the sky, screaming in silence.
It is enough to drive one mad.
Nothing but darkness.
Eternal.What is darkness without light?
Nothing? Half a thing?No shadows without light.
No darkness without sight.
Or eternal darkness?
Madness.—
Clouds part.
Sunlight peeks through.The sky brightens.
A grim day no longer.
Breathe it in.The light is beautiful.
It reveals all.Embracing.
The heart lifts.
Gently warming.Two halves of the whole.
One tempers the other.
Not as separate as one might think.Hand in hand,
all is bearable.
A fragile glow against the coming night.Darkness and light, forever hand in hand?
AlessaParticipantHi Peter
I can’t get enough of your stories! Keep them coming (when you are in the mood). I do like the quotes you share you always have excellent taste, but what I like most is hearing your voice. ❤️
I’m sorry to hear that you feel discouraged by events of the world. Even though there is darkness in the world, there is also light. Good people like yourself make this world special. 😊
AlessaParticipantHi Thomas
You might want to read some of Laven’s other threads before giving your input. She has been through a lot. Honestly, the most trauma I’ve ever heard someone go through. It is a miracle that she is still here with us and a testament to her resilience.
I’m glad that you managed to figure things out and turn your life around and I appreciate your desire to share that experience with others. Perhaps you might like to create a thread of your own and talk about what you’ve learned from your own experiences? ❤️
AlessaParticipant*noises
AlessaParticipantHi Everyone
My son is a touch behind with his speaking. He usually screams at me when he wants something. I’m trying to encourage him to use his words. Say a word, any word. It seems to be encouraging him.
I’m not too worried about his speaking. He can do some very advanced sounds. I feel like he just is not in the habit because I have always understood his notices. He seems to focus on the language we use the most.
Have any of you watched Star Trek? He said walk the other day like a Klingon. 😂
He can now say mum at will. A long stream of Mum Mum Mum Mum Mum Mum… I love hearing his beautiful voice.
I’m more worried about his eye contact. I noticed that he has started copying me in avoiding eye contact. He never used to do that. Both of the things together worry me. He will probably be Autistic like me. I expected as much, but I feel bad for passing it along. I know that he will be okay and he is a smart kid. It is just a bit of parental shame. No one wants to see their child inherit their weaknesses. I’m trying my best to encourage eye contact.
On the plus side, he is getting really social. He has found his confidence. He goes around waving at people, saying hi occasionally and smiling. He always wants to be a part of what other people are doing. He’s a cute kid. People are generally nice to him. He did have his first experience of racism the other month sadly.
I’m trying to potty train and to teach him to walk without having a pram around for shorter distances. He likes doing his own thing. I don’t mind when I’m not in a hurry. It is just when I’m busy. It will take him some time to adjust. Instead of saying would you like to go back in the pram or walk (in the right direction) I’m now asking him if he wants to go home or walk.
Any tips are always appreciated by the way. ❤️
AlessaParticipantHi Lucidity
Thanks for your kind message. ❤️ I’m so glad to hear that you’ve been enjoying the conversations and it has lifted your spirits on hard days.
I know what you mean about parenting being a lonely journey. 😊
Yes, it is hard work dealing with the scars our parents left us with. I think that you have fought so hard to overcome them shows your strength and kind heart. ❤️
I look forward to hearing your voice more and getting to know you!
AlessaParticipantHi Everyone
I guess I feel like conflict can be both be retraumatising and transformative at the same time. The difficulty lies in handling the pain and conflict in healthy ways. I do believe it is possible to learn from anything though. ❤️
AlessaParticipantHi Tee
How are you doing? ❤️
I can understand the desire for a balanced view and justice. I’m much the same way.
I love the idea of being able to connect with God in our hearts. 🥰
That is a good idea. I actually found an inclusive church nearby after our conversation. I was very surprised as it is the only one in the whole county. I think I’ll check it out and see how it feels and see how things go from there.
Yes, it feels impossible to please everyone and take care of your own needs sometimes. It is a real shame. I wish that there was a way that everything would be okay for everyone.
I’m feeling better after getting some sleep thanks. 😊
I’m okay to talk about handling conflict. I do want to clarify that I do have this issue in general. It isn’t related to a specific person. I understand if it’s not something that you want to talk about since it is difficult for you as well. It might be easier to discuss this via email because I try not to discuss my personal relationships publicly.
I guess sometimes there is just no way to win because situations are often sensitive in nature and complicated.
I felt something shift in me recently. I feel like when people misunderstand me. I can give myself compassion and grace, having faith in myself that it is just a misunderstanding. It was nice because I do care a lot and worry especially when conflict happens with people I care about. I have a tendency to take things to heart.
Thank you for your kindness and support! Take care ❤️
AlessaParticipantHi Everyone
My understanding of the matter is that it was a sensitive situation. Sensitive situations can be hard for people and naturally result in conflict.
I believe that we all see the good sides of each other. Anita did want to connect because she invited Tee to join the conversation. Tee wanted to connect to and would have had to have a level of trust in order to engage.
It might be hard for Anita to build trust with someone she’s had a previous conflict with. It might have been difficult for Anita to experience communication mistakes in these early stages of building trust. Tee might have had her own concerns about these things too.
Sometimes in my own life, I have noticed that hurt feelings can still linger after an apology. It can be hard for people to deal with. During conflict, it is easy for negative thoughts to creep in for anyone. It doesn’t mean that these thoughts are true though. Learning to challenge these kinds of thoughts has been incredibly important for my healing and helped so much in communicating with others during times of conflict.
There may have been a misunderstanding in how I communicated. I don’t like to criticise people anymore. It is hard to communicate and engage sometimes. I’m still learning how to. Rather than say something potentially hurtful, I prefer to stay silent. Anita may have felt like I was choosing sides. I don’t believe in sides. I care about everyone. Sometimes people can feel hurt when people show care to others they are in a conflict with.
It can also be painful feeling like you are the subject of conversation. I was processing my own feelings and sharing my perspective when writing about grace and compassion.
I imagine that it might have been stressful for Anita when I asked for boundaries to be respected. I imagine that she might be hurt right now because of the changes she is currently processing and the ongoing conversation about the conflict. It might also be painful for her to experience so much feedback about the conflict from various different people.
Up until recently, I have found it very difficult for most of my life to express empathy to others during conflict. The empathy was still there underneath, but I hid it. This was a result of my trauma. My mother would be particularly enjoy to hurt me when I showed any kind of emotion or vulnerability. She would get bored and it would end more quickly if I maintained my composure. At times of stress people often default to their childhood patterns.
Fear of rejection held me back for a long time. What if I open my heart during a time of conflict, show my vulnerability and my heart gets stomped on? I realised that I already felt like I was being rejected. So what was left to be afraid of when I was already experiencing it?
Unfortunately, it is impossible to have needs met by others when communication is shut down. Having needs met involves showing each other kindness and empathy. It requires trust to allow that process to occur.
Conflict is difficult for us all. We all have trauma. Harsh words hurt us all. It also hurts when needs are not honoured. It is difficult sometimes when different people have different needs. It can be hard for these things to align.
On top of these things, we all have our own life stresses. As a mother with health issues, autism and PTSD, I have a very low tolerance for stress at the moment. I know that Anita has shared her own difficulties she is going through recently. Tee might have her own difficulties in life.
Some situations are sensitive and are difficult to get through even when everyone can maintain their calmness and composure. Many things can make that challenging. It is natural for mistakes to happen, for feelings to be messy. It is human.
I think that believing in ourselves is important because it mitigates some of the stress of misunderstandings and assumptions.
I am very sorry for my part in things Anita. When you are ready to talk I will be here. ❤️
Tee, I don’t want you to think that I don’t care about your pain because I do. You took the brunt of the difficulties in this conflict. You have mostly been silent about your pain. I still see it though and it deserves to be acknowledged. ❤️
AlessaParticipantI’m quite happy to take your word in that you would just try. I don’t want you to stress yourself out over it. If that is something that you wanted to do. You trying is good enough for me. If you don’t want to, that is your choice and I’m leaving. I’ve already asked for my account to be deleted. ❤️
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 