Hi Tee

Lovely to see you around again! I dare say that you have been in all of our thoughts. I’m so sorry to hear about the health difficulties. These issues are not easy to deal with. I’m glad to hear that your knee improved a bit and that you’ve been able to find peace with your realisations. ❤️

Hi Heather

That is a really important insight. You have a lot of self-awareness.

Did worrying about your friend’s perspective lead to you worrying about what your partner’s perspective on the situation might be?

How do you calmly logically view the conversation that you had? How did you feel about the conversation before the input from your friend?

Hi Anita

Thank you for your kindness! ❤️

Sorry, I was a bit spacey yesterday. It isn’t easy to think about these things.

Something that just occurred to me that you might find interesting. Your mother would likely have had a similar experience with these internalised trauma voices.

And unfortunately, when you have children it doesn’t just focus on yourself anymore… it can be quite distressing and if someone hasn’t had a ton of therapy, or has access to a therapist trained in helping with these difficulties. I suspect it could be a factor in the disastrous consequences we both experienced. I dare say that outcomes would most likely be that, addiction, giving up children for adoption or suicide.

I’m happy to be here and talk. 😊

A lot of my struggles are more in the present, rather than the past. I don’t want to talk about them publicly out of respect for others.

I don’t want to pressure you into communicating in ways that you aren’t comfortable with. I appreciate your intent. ❤️

Also, I hope you don’t mind. I passed along to Yana that you missed her. She asked me to pass along a message if you would to see it?

Hi Anita

🫂 You are never alone!

I’m glad that you feel understood and seen. ❤️

It is so damaging to hear those messages from your mother. Instinctively, children just believe them. Well my Mother said it, so it must be true… No, not true. A lie, to help your Mother feel better about herself. With the horrible things she had done, living in denial of her responsibility for her own actions was a comfort to her.

I understand what you mean about your mother being inside of you. I remember when I was a young teenager and started “hearing” my biological mother in my thoughts. My therapist told me that it was a recording of the trauma I’d experienced.

It is quite horrible for people who have been abused to feel like they’re carrying around a part of their abuser. It is a survival mechanism. Trying to appease the abuser by abusing themselves. A vicious cycle…

Understanding your attachment style is helpful. I am the same way. It is common with severe child abuse.

I struggle with the attachment too. Learning about communication has been helpful for me. So often, harsh communication is just people poorly communicating that they are in pain. I’m trying to understand the pain that other people experience. It helps me not to hyper focus on my own pain. Relationships involve two people after all, and the interplay of the two people with their own unique perspectives and feelings. One cannot exist without the other. It eases my pain, understanding that the other person is in pain too. It isn’t something that is experienced in isolation, but experienced together. Somehow that is comforting.

Hi Anita

There are good days and bad days. Thank you! I just don’t know what to say sometimes. I usually wait until I do. Bad mental health days often mean that I don’t know what to say. It is hard for me to think then. Or sometimes I’m just tired and fall asleep and have to leave it until the next day (like today). I try to message people I talk to in an order because I don’t want to leave anyone out.

You have overcome so much, that is important to celebrate. It is understandable that there is still some fear though. ❤️

I feel like your Mother would have had difficulties raising any child. It wasn’t you personally who was being labelled. She even didn’t like any people. She didn’t trust anyone. So in her mind it would be all children are bad. All people are bad. What chance did you have being raised like that?

You were just a child that she was responsible for. In her mind, the old fashioned mindset she kept you alive. That is the extent of her responsibility. Job done, child raised. There are higher standards of care these days and the pain the traditional methods cause is being acknowledged.

People who hate themselves often cannot bring themselves to truly care about others. She was very sick and it wasn’t your fault. You were just there on the receiving end of it all. A terrifying experience for a child.

Raising children is hard work and people who already have difficulties often struggle with it. It adds pressure to their weaknesses. People get overwhelmed and resort to their base instincts. She was like an animal, beaten, broken lashing out at everyone who comes near her.

None of this excuses what she did or makes it any easier to bear the horrific trauma you experienced at her hands. You existed within her trauma as she took on the role of her abusers.

It is a hard experience growing up being punished for simply existing.

Your mother can’t relabel, but you can. You can acknowledge your inherent goodness and acknowledge that she was wrong about you. It wasn’t your fault that she couldn’t take care of you properly. Those were her mistakes and hers alone.

It is okay to still love her. It is your truth. She was extremely troubled and wrong. She kept you alive and it wasn’t enough. The pain she caused ignoring rest of your needs, ignoring your emotions. Ignoring you. Hurting you… You deserved so much more. To be loved, cherished, protected and seen. ❤️

Hi Anita

It is not easy tackling this kind of work. I wish you luck and strength on your journey! I believe in you. ❤️

For me, I found that this work removed a lot of the flashbacks that didn’t have specific triggers.

Hi Everyone

I appreciate all of the unique perspectives on transcendence. There are many wonderful insights offered. ❤️

Anita, you are doing some incredible work! It is not easy what you are doing. It speaks to the growth of your self-love. ❤️

My perspective is reflective of the work that I’m currently doing at the moment.

Working on mental flexibility and digging deeper into some Buddhism. Specifically the three unwholesome roots; aversion / hatred, delusion / ignorance and attachment / greed) and the antidotes the three wholesome roots loving kindness, wisdom and generosity.

This approach isn’t for everyone, but it appeals to me right now.

There is an idea of citta (mental states) being karmic. To put it very loosely… emotional states which are viewed positively like compassion, joy, generosity etc generate good karma and mental states based on unwholesome roots create bad karma.

Training mental flexibility involves considering things from multiple perspectives and challenging negative thoughts to create a more balanced perspective.

Hi Everyone

I think I have a different perspective because I’ve rarely been told to get over something. It just isn’t a trigger for me.

When I am told it, it doesn’t have a lasting impact.

One instance that comes to mind when I think about it… People have bizarrely strong opinions about childbirth. Knowing that I had been assaulted, there were a couple of people who thought I should get on with a normal delivery and deal with a doctor shoving their hands up my chuff for ages (pardon my French). I chose a c-section because I didn’t want to deal with the PTSD during labour or after birth. So much about being pregnant or raising children is subject to other people’s opinions.

I feel like it’s important to take ownership of our own choices and use our own judgement.

I’m deeply sorry to hear that your Mother blamed you for her suicidal ideation Anita. That is horrifically traumatic for a child to experience. <3

I feel like criticism can often be rooted in other people feeling hurt. When I think about other people being hurt and connect to that, it hurts less. I believe that being there for each other, holding space for each other’s pain is important.

I feel content with having few, but meaningful connections. I can understand the need to connect with others though. I enjoy having meaningful conversations. 🙂

I couldn’t have put the misunderstandings of letting go any better myself, Peter! <3