Perhaps you could both work together to find an agreeable compromise? ❤️

Hi Tee and Anita

I have a suggestion. Please feel free to take it as you will.

How about a compromise? That is what happens in a healthy conflict, is it not?

Anita has indicated that she is willing to compromise.

Tee are you? ❤️

Thank you for your understanding and kindness Tee! ❤️

I was wondering why you chose to defend yourself instead of walking away from the conversation when you saw that it might not be fruitful? ❤️

I am willing to prioritize other things for the moment. My own self-care for example.

It feels to me like you keep suggesting to me that everything is about Anita for me. I don’t understand why it might be being suggested? I don’t feel that way. ❤️

I don’t want to discuss my feelings deeply in that kind of environment because it is really stressful for me. It has been going on for days and now I have to take a break and do some self-care before revisiting things. Also, I believe that Anita might have been distracted from my conversation because of the intensity of her conversation with you.❤️

My culture is very big on apologies, like Canadians. It is something that I generally expect and a boundary that I set with people in conflict.

I didn’t expect this to be resolved very quickly given that it usually takes a while for Anita to reflect and apologize. I try to have realistic expectations of people.

I guess that my perspective on conflict where someone hasn’t apologized yet is that we can meet our own needs and others can meet our needs. It doesn’t have to be the person that hurt us at the time.

I did defend myself. I don’t like to do it strongly personally. It makes me feel bad when I hurt others, even in an argument. Even when they have hurt me. I’m a very principled person.

She has C-PTSD. I wasn’t talking about the most recent conflict. In the past, I have been more reactive, defensive and critical during arguments. She was afraid of me. I imagine that in conflict those memories and fears might creep in. By being consistently kind, perhaps she might see me in a different way?

I know that I have tried my best in this recent conflict.

Usually, moderators just tell people to stop being rude, delete comments and call it a day, possibly do 24 hour bans. I’ve never seen a moderation team handle things in the way they do here. It’s a little strange to me.

I mean, I don’t think the conflict on this thread has been respectful. I reported it for moderation and it was decided that it was respectful enough unless someone asks for something to change. It is a little bizarre to me. Not the first time I have seen moderators taking a passive approach. I just feel more comfortable in communities with more active moderation approaches.

I would agree that I potentially tried too much. I have a habit of doing that for people and I feel like others rarely do the same thing for me. I don’t know how to reconcile that. The idea does make me sad that I try harder for others than I do for myself. I need to work on things being more even. ❤️

*precedence

Hi Tee

Hi Tee

I feel like you might be picking up on a value I have linked to fairness. Equity.

It may not seem that important to you, but it was important for me to explore how my neurodivergence affected conflict.

I worry about talking about that post and how it affected me. I know that it was difficult for you. I feel like your feelings about how you were affected are more important to me than mine. How do you feel about the post when it comes to yourself? ❤️

I am a different person to you, with a different perspective. It doesn’t mean that anyone’s perspective is any less valid. Your pain is valid.
I don’t want to undercut your feelings when talking to you. ❤️

You and I, simply have different priorities, perspectives, needs and conflict styles. That is not to say that one is more valid than the other. That is not true, we are just different people.

To me, sad is a kind of hurt. I’m sorry for making you sad. You don’t need to worry about me. I will be okay. ❤️

I’m sorry you feel like I’m enabling Anita by not discussing my feelings right now. I disagree, I’m simply prioritising my own needs.

I don’t want to discuss my needs in a heated environment, I don’t feel like that is healthy for me. I would prefer to focus on deescalation and creating a calmer healthy environment first.

I don’t like having a stressful environment. Can I cope with it? Yes, but it is uncomfortable for me. I would prefer wait to discuss my feelings when the situation is calmer, I believe that they will be received better then. I will be less stressed and be better equipped to handle the conversation in a healthy way. ❤️

Hi Everyone

It seemed like Anita was interested in learning more about the four horsemen. Criticism, Contempt, Stonewalling and Defensiveness.

Basically these are unhealthy communication patterns that hurt people and show that communication is breaking down.

It can help foster communication to try communicating without these behaviours. Not an easy thing during a conflict. All people can do is try their best. ❤️

Hi Brandy

I understand why you feel so frustrated. The conflict doesn’t sit well with me either. ❤️