Dear Tee,

Great to hear back from you!

‘ As for maintaining premarital purity, I guess you really need to look for someone who is on the same page with you, i.e. who will not try to lure you into living together too soon. They have to be on board with no sex before marriage, but also in being patient and willing to wait, because they value premarital purity, the same as you do. ‘
So look for someone who values premarital purity, not only agrees to do it for you, reluctantly.

Yes, being on the same page is crucial. I also understand that at this stage in life, when a man is older, he may not have prioritized this in the past. He may value it, but may not have practiced it before. If he truly respects and is willing to wait for me, I believe this kind of candidate is acceptable.

Regardless of whether he is religious or not, he should at least have those spiritual values and a genuine appreciation for them.

I wonder if our hearts can truly tell the difference between someone who is just playing along and someone who is genuinely serious?

Additionally, many men don’t see the point in marrying if there is no solid intention of having children.

‘ Well, it can be a tricky thing, because if you want the person to be different, to become “someone else” – because the way he currently is isn’t good enough for you – that might be a problem. Because we have to accept people as they are – I mean, their major character features – and not want to change them. ‘
I’m not talking about some small details and annoying habits they may have – which are not key features of their character. But let’s say you want to turn a shy guy into an extrovert, that’s going to cause trouble and tension. Because we’ll have unrealistic expectations on them, and they’ll feel under pressure to accomplish things, to fulfill our expectations, to become something they’re not. If you know what I mean? What kind of person did you want him to be, which he wasn’t being when you two met? ‘

I know exactly what you mean Tee, and I agree that we shouldn’t try to change someone, because in the end it won’t lead to a happy relationship. I believe that we really can’t change anyone unless the genuinely want to change (religion, bad habits, lifestyle etc).
In my case, what I realized is that he discovered what I like and value, and he tried to mirror that. For example, he noticed that spiritual life is important to me, so he started wearing spiritual accessories, going to places of worship, praying, sending me pictures from those places – so that was one thing. And I did not ask him to do any of that. He wanted to either make me happy or used it as a control tool.

The other thing was that I wanted him to be more successful, and that was the area of change that I encouraged. If he really wanted to create the life he had told me about, then that was essentially the only option – unless I was willing to accept him at almost the bare minimum.

‘ What kind of change was he promising? Was it related to his character (that he would become a different kind of person), or rather to his career and the success of his projects and suchlike? ‘

For example, he said he would work toward the goal of us being together, getting a bigger place, or possibly renovating the old one. But on the other hand, he always said that there wasn’t enough, that he couldn’t do more at the moment, and that we needed to wait for his project. He could not or would not take on any other tangible work projects. He was promising to improve his professional situation and living conditions, but in reality, nothing changed.

Regarding his character, I never demanded any changes. However, I didn’t like that when I asked questions, I rarely received a direct answer. Most of the time, it felt like avoiding difficult topics and being straightforward. I brushed it off as maybe being afraid that I would change my mind about him? Or just not wanting to be negative? I honestly don’t know.

‘ The question is whether he did it because he was hiding his true intentions and possibly wanted to take advantage of you, or he felt under pressure to “perform”, so to speak, to please you, to meet your expectations, and so he was lying/hiding the facts because he didn’t want to seem like a loser, for example?

Maybe a combination of both? Or maybe just wanted to find a woman to sleep with him and have a mate. It was difficult to see through. But as you said rightly, the last incident was a true reveal. In that moment, regardless of what he felt or what had been said or done before, he should have acted like a human being.

‘ Regarding the question about the wrong fear, I’m still thinking about it. I think the most important is to know what a healthy love and a healthy relationship looks like. To recognize abusive and manipulative behaviors. To know that we deserve certain things (love, respect) and not settle for people who don’t give us that. We need to know what the red flags are in a relationship, and if there are no red flags, we can proceed with more trust.
But I guess we also need to heal those things (emotional wounds) that made us lose faith in people who were supposed to love us. In people closest to us. We need to regain healthy trust in people. But for that, healing needs to happen. It takes time ‘

Yes, sometimes it feels like a circle that never ends. Especially nowadays, even when you can trust someone, you still need to be careful. You can’t trust fully, but you can’t not trust at all. Or maybe just wait till you have reasons to trust and not trust blindly. But then there is always someone who will break that trust, and you need to start the process of healing all over again.

Thank you again Tee, for listening, your kind guidance & getting to the core.

Talk to you soon I hope. Take care too, and lots of love dear 🤗 💓

Dear Anita,

It means a lot that you felt that shift and were able to connect with your younger self in that way. I completely understand what you mean – sometimes the awareness and empathy come in moments we don’t expect, and it can feel really powerful when it happens.

I’m so glad you felt seen and supported, and I want you to know that I feel the connection with you too. These things do take time, and it’s beautiful to witness you giving yourself that care and attention.

You’re doing such meaningful work with yourself, and it’s inspiring to hear 🤗
Anita, thank you for trusting me enough to share this 🌱

It is wonderful that this forum is becoming a place of little miracles…
Anita, I hug you tenderly and please don’t stop the amazing work with yourself and for others 💓

Dear Anita,

What a tender coincidence that this moment with your younger self happened just as we reconnected.

It makes me wonder if something shifted in you too, if our meeting again opened a space for both of us to feel and see things differently.

Sometimes connection has a way of quietly changing us, even before we realize it.

Reading your message moved me deeply. The way you put words to your experience carries such honesty and tenderness.

What you shared about seeing your younger self and for the first time, feeling empathy for her touched me profoundly. That moment of recognition, after such a long time of holding her at a distance, is powerful & so full of courage.

Anita your presence here, your willingness to speak openly and from the heart, is something precious. It means more than I can say to share this connection with you.

I can feel the depth of what you’ve carried, and the strength it took to begin meeting those hidden parts of yourself with compassion.

I feel like it is important to get in touch with that inner child and then let her go and find the peace she deserves. I’m still struggling with that too…

Thank you for trusting me with such a tender part of your story, and for reminding me how meaningful true human connection can be.

You are seen, you are heard, and you are valued my dear Anita.

A big emotional hug for you 🤗 and lots of love💓

No worries, thanks Anita, and take care for now!😊💖

Dear Anita,

You said it beautifully – it feels more like a conversation with a good friend, like your words carry warmth and compassion, not just knowledge.

What you offered wasn’t just an answer, it was a moment of connection.

Sometimes, even with family or the people closest to us, we can still feel neglected and lonely. So please know you can always reach out whenever you need and feel like connecting.

I’m glad that our exchange helped you in some ways, and please don’t hesitate to talk with me if you ever need anything.

With warmth 💖
Dafne

Dear Tee,

‘ In what way do you think it would be risky?’

Moving in with someone can sometimes make it harder to maintain clear boundaries, especially physical ones. I might be at risk that the other person pushes the limits I’m not comfortable with – or I might feel pressured – it could create stress, tension, or even harm the relationship.

Moving in together (even with the best of intentions and marriage as an end goal) doesn’t guarantee it will lead to marriage and might be a waste of time. It is like putting the horse before the carriage.

Also, it creates investments -emotional, financial, practical – but without a guaranteed commitment, he can decide to leave any time. This can lead to emotional stress.

This arrangement is less secure, and I could find myself in a vulnerable situation. Do you agree with me, Tee?
I will definitely pay more attention to my fearful reactions that stem from my past experiences and try to apply the logic as well.

‘ This is a very important realization: that you’re afraid of being tricked and betrayed, even if the man behaves well with you. I’m not saying this last guy was a good man, and that you were unnecessarily suspicious with him. Not at all. However, I remember you were very suspicious with another man, I believe he was a widower (or divorced?), who had a son, and you felt uncomfortable him talking about his son, if I remember well.’

Yes, he was divorced 3 times, but he did not have any children. It was his ex’s son. Sometimes there is no clean break-up between couples (even after divorce). So it worried me that the son could be just an excuse to stay in contact with his ex. I think it is a valid reason, as many couples regret breaking up, and whether they never fully emotionally end it (some broken hearts never mend) or remarry with each other (which is rarer but happens). I agree with you that, also, deep down, something got triggered as my own father was emotionally absent. I don’t really think I can heal that void. That emptiness might always stay with me Tee. I know that because there is no replacement for a father’s love.

I also had a suspicion that he might have been a bit put off by me saying the truth regarding my previous relationship. He asked about my love life before, and I told him that I had been engaged and that my fiancé had suffered severe war trauma and did not recover from it. I lost him. That might have scared him off, Tee, did’ it? I ask you that because after that, he wanted to know if I’m ready to be with someone. And one of my friends back then told me that I was too honest, too soon.

Now this man is with another woman. I felt that he was not fully transparent with me, and that he possibly had a connection with her when we met. He told me that he met her only 2 weeks after knowing me and that it was his sister (living abroad) who set them up. And he left the country for her so fast without even telling me. So, he should have at least written me something. Don’t you think, Tee? Would you see it differently?

‘ Please correct me if I’m wrong, I don’t want to push any false ideas on you. But it seems to me that if you don’t trust someone you got engaged to, you would probably have a hard time trusting that same man later during marriage as well. It’s a deeper trust issue, which stems from childhood trauma. And if this issue is not healed, you might feel suspicious even if the guy is honest and has good intentions. ‘

There is some level of trust in me, but I still keep my guard up. As the elders always said, marriage -only marriage – opens the eyes, and love is blind. So until then, you have to keep your eyes wide open. After marriage, you are bound legally and in any other way, so better to make sure he is the person he says he is. I mostly only become suspicious because they gave me reasons to be. But you’re right, the old wounds may be at play here, too. Maybe trying to find the balance is the key, and like you rightly said, avoid those 2 extremes in order not to overlook the good person.

Your concerns are valid Tee, but how can we know if it is the fear of the inner child or the valid fear to protect us?

I feel that my lack of trust in the last man saved my heart from a really bad heartbreak. I felt something was wrong, and you and Anita, both with amazing insights, confirmed and revealed his true intentions. He was not able to communicate honestly about his needs (as he knew our views and expectations were not compatible), and life to avoid scaring me away early on.

I think that the last man was love bombing me and avoiding important topics. And that after many weeks of dating, he should be clearer about his life and needs. I was almost convinced that he was genuinely a good man. But after the incident on the motorway and a few other red flags (like shutting down easily, getting upset when challenged) etc., showed me otherwise. Maybe I overlooked other red flags?

How could I avoid all of this wasted time with him sooner? And at what point in that relationship did you know that he was not good, and you would stop and move on?

‘ So I’d encourage you, dear Dafne, to look into these things, because our inner child (i.e. our subconscious fears) is a powerful driving force, which can mess up with our ability to choose people who are actually good for us. We might be either to naive or too suspicious, and neither is healthy. ‘

Yes, yes, I see the difference now and how tricky it can get. I will definitely focus on that more. I struggle with recognising it early on and keep giving chances. How can we choose wisely from the beginning and not be based on the wrong fear Tee?

‘ Please don’t take this as judgment. It’s just that I see certain issues popping up, and I always like to go to the core of the problem. And the core is almost always in our childhood – in our wounded inner child.’

Don’t worry Tee. I know that you mean well, and I appreciate that you take your time to get to the core of the problem and recognize the patterns.
Looking forward to more of your insights, and please ask me if needed 😊

Warm regards and a big hug xx

Dear Tee,

‘ You’re welcome! I’m glad you’re gaining more clarity as we’re talking this through.’

Yes, much more clarity! 😊 Your thoughts make me reconsider some of my ideas, offering a different perspective and showing me ways to improve without complicating things.

‘ It’s good you’re very clear about what you want. I remember we’ve been talking about that at the beginning of our correspondence, perhaps 2 years ago, and you said you want to be seen and cherished for the person you are, and not viewed as a sex object.’

Yes, I remember our conversation back then – I was indeed focused on how to go about it to be cherished and not viewed as a sex object. Your last message helped me to understand that even more. Starting with friendship doesn’t need strict rules. As long as we don’t cross certain limits, I can still honor my values while maintaining realistic expectations of this person – especially in a world where this kind of friendship between men and women isn’t always possible.

‘ I believe it is possible, however it’s more likely to find such a person in religious communities that practice premarital purity, for example. If you want no sex before marriage, or no sex before getting engaged, I think the safest is to look in such places. Or if you’re using a dating app, to list that as a requirement, or a preference, so there are no misunderstandings.
However, a word of warning: some traditional men, who respect similar principles of sexual restrain before marriage, might have very traditional view of women, where they see women primarily as mothers to child bearers and home makers. They don’t support the woman’s personal freedom and independence, e.g. pursuing professional goals and dreams, or any activities or hobbies that might go contrary to the man’s wishes.
‘ So I think that trying to find a traditional man in this day and age might be a double-edged sword, and you need to be careful. Since you’re not really willing to take up the traditional role of woman – where the woman is subservient to man – if I understood you well? ’
‘ Something’s just occurred to me: if you’re looking for a “traditional provider”, or a “traditional man”, it might limit your options because you’re looking for a certain role of man. But if you’re looking for a partner who is also your friend – e.g. with the characteristics I listed above – you might have a better chance of finding a good, healthy partner. ‘

Thank you for that warning. I really value your insight on that. I’ve reflected a lot on your very thoughtful answer and your explanation. I realized that I haven’t really considered the other side of the coin, now I see how it could be – as you expressed it perfectly – a double–edged sword (helpful but potentially risky).

I suspect it is because some traditional man (or even moderately traditional) tend to pick the aspects that are convenient for them, shaping rules and expectations in ways that suit their own preferences rather than those of the couple. And the real problem is when they do not communicate that before marriage, and surprise a woman and trap her later on. They are directed by greed, selfishness, and superiority. Those are to be avoided.

So after carefully considering what you’ve said, I’m beginning to conclude that the ideal person would be someone who values certain traditional principles, like sexual abstinence before marriage, yet still supports a woman in working or pursuing her own career. They might prefer traditional gender roles in the household, being the provider and protector, but remain flexible when it comes to her decision of having/or not having kids (even open to adopting) or supporting her hobbies.

It’s like a nice blend of East & West – a balance that combines the best of both worlds. Do you agree with that? Would that be more realistic in my case, Tee?

It’s especially important to find this kind of person, as at this stage of my life, I am starting to consider the option of not having the kids or maybe adopting. This decision might be safer health-wise and more reasonable at my age. I would like to be married and become his family, but he needs to be more open-minded in that respect.

‘ Hmmm… the old-school approach might be better in terms of how men view sex, however not necessarily in terms of genuine respect for women. I might be wrong, but it seems to me that the old-school attitude to women is not necessarily a healthy one but requires women to be in a strictly defined role, and in general subservient to men. The man makes all important decisions in the family, he is the “head of the family”, and the woman is there to support and care for him and the children. The man is also the breadwinner, while the woman stays at home to care for the children.’

You are very right in your conclusions Tee. This is a very conservative, extreme example of being traditional, and I don’t think I could be truly happy with someone like that at this moment in my life. On the other hand, there’s the opposite extreme – being very liberal – which today also brings many challenges and problems for women.

Above all, the most important thing is someone’s good character, whether he is liberal or traditional. But also, it is important to avoid men who actually want you to be it all. They want you to be traditionally faithful, take care of the home, and also work (with kids in the picture or not), be friends, lover, everything. So their expectations are too big. Those men’s expectations are overwhelming. And the reason they keep expecting this is because many women are willing to play that role, even if it makes them unhappy.

As a result, men approach each new woman they meet with demands that are already too high. That’s why so many women nowadays are fed up and tired. And their emotional and physical health is affected negatively. Tee, have you noticed that dynamic nowadays?

‘ Me and my husband dated for 5 years before getting married, and it was a long-distance relationship. I remember I didn’t want to pressure him to get married. And then he proposed So it was kind of cool.
But I understand your situation is different and you want to have a certain time frame. So I’m not the best person to ask. But dating experts say you need minimum 1-2 years to really get to know the person. So anything under that time would be rushing things.’

Thank you for talking about that so honestly and openly. Long distance is a real challenge, and it takes longer to get to know the real person. And yes, you’ve been very patient with him 😊

For me, it’s better to see a person in all seasons, through different moments, and definitely in real life, so I can decide faster. A year would be a good timeframe – yes, I understand and agree with that.

‘ It’s okay if the woman wants it and chooses that role for a period of time (notably, while the children are young). However, if it is her only role, and she is forced into it and respected only for it, that might be a problem.’

Yes, that could be a problem, and she might start feeling neglected by her own husband. There are many cases where women even feel jealous of their own children, because he constantly puts them first most of the time. Or the opposite happens, and he starts being jealous and feeling unhappy in that marriage.

‘ Instead of believing your inner and outer critic, the goal is to strengthen the compassionate voice of your “inner parent”. Believe the loving, compassionate voice, rather than the harsh, critical voice.’

I know it’s easier said than done, but that’s what you need to do: again and again return to the loving, compassionate voice and reject the harsh, critical voice. Until you can truly feel love for yourself.

So true! The inner and outer critic are at play, and that’s what makes it even harder for me. Thank you for the practical tips on how to manage them emotionally for the time being.

Tee, what’s your opinion on living together after engagement? Personally, I feel it would be a risky situation. At the same time, I know many people say it’s the only way to truly get to know someone before marriage. Do you agree with that?

I also wonder – are there ways, without living together, to truly know that there will be no bad surprises; that this is the person I want to marry, in both the good and bad? And somehow to test it in stressful situations, and to see his real self?

Some people travel together, but then there is the question of the sleeping arrangements in a hotel. And I also remember the story of a woman who warned women to never travel with someone unless engaged or married. She got sick on a trip, and her boyfriend did not even care because there was not enough commitment, and when things got tough, he was not there for her.

And based on your own relationship and household responsibilities, Tee, how would you divide these tasks between partners, and what would you consider acceptable or unacceptable? I see it as a mixture – where he takes on the physically demanding responsibilities, while she focuses on others.

I’m sorry for asking so many questions, but it’s really nice to explore and reflect on those things together. I hope I’m not overwhelming you…

Thank you again for supporting me and helping me grow through every step of this journey 🤗

Dear Tee,

Thank you for your support, for taking the time to notice the little details that often go unseen.

Yes, that last incident was a big slap in the face that opened my eyes wide and gave me the push I needed to move forward. Having your support and confirmation made it feel even more natural to let go, embrace the lessons, and simply keep going.

Thanks to you I also realized that those seemingly generous acts of kindness and gifts were not selfless at all. They were a means to an end, a way to trap me and try to gain emotional control over me. Once he realized he could not get what he wanted, his true face was revealed. That painful truth was a hard experience, but with your support, I was able to see it clearly, understand it, and find some strength to move forward without letting it define me. I honestly don’t know where I would be without your guidance and lifting…

I hope I can find the strength to hold on to the lessons I’ve learned and never fall for that kind of person again.

‘ Well, the truth is that if you tell them you only want friendship when in fact you’re testing them to see how they behave – is actually somewhat deceptive. So if you start playing games with them, an honest man with serious intentions will be put off.’

I’m happy and thankful for taking the time to respond to my question regarding friendship and being ready for a romantic relationship. I was not sure what the right approach was.

I’ll try to explain more. Friendship is essential to me. I wouldn’t be deceiving them by saying this, because for me, a meaningful friendship is one of the most important foundations of being with someone. What I really want to share is that I’m hoping for a meaningful friendship to start with – a strong emotional connection, built on trust, understanding, and genuine care. It’s what makes any deeper relationship possible or lasting.

I believe in taking the time to nurture that bond, letting it grow naturally. If the connection deepens and things take off, then one day it may evolve into something bigger. But I want to be honest from the start that I don’t want to follow the modern approach where physical attraction comes first and dictates everything. I don’t believe in judging someone solely by their looks or rushing to satisfy immediate desires. Modern men (or rather liberal men) often seem impatient – they want everything here and now. If they don’t get it, they move on to the next best option. I don’t want to be part of that.

When you look at old movies – whether Western, Indian, Arabic, or Korean – you can see something truly beautiful. There’s a certain timeless glow in the way people connect: they start with important things, take their time, and show genuine respect for each other. That old-school approach feels so meaningful, so authentic, and it’s exactly the kind of connection I hope for. The question is, in this era of instant gratification, is it even possible to find that kind of connection? It’s a challenge, but I still believe it’s worth seeking.

Tee, do you see the difference now and what I meant? So even if the friendship never evolves into anything more, I would still be happy to nurture and protect it. That kind of friendship is valuable in itself and worth cherishing regardless of what the future holds.

Tee, was I clear enough in my message about the friendship topic? Do you agree with this perspective and approach? Please ask me more if needed 😊

You’re right that my tendency to deny my own needs and feel guilty about having them might make me attract selfish men, like this last guy. So now, I’m definitely going to take some time for myself – to apply your teachings, to challenge my feelings, and to spend more time with myself. And if someone comes and feels the same way (without calling me prude or outdated), we might give it a chance.

I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships and how to avoid falling into situations like I did before.

Would you also give me some advice on early signs, specific behaviours that someone might be a time waster or manipulative (in addition to the ones we discussed before)?

Also, not to get too inquisitive, but when you first dated or met your husband, what was your best approach from day one? What kind of things did you talk about, and what did you avoid?

How did you talk about important topics without scaring him off? I want to be honest about starting with a meaningful friendship and emotional connection first, but I’m unsure how to communicate that naturally.

How much time would you give someone to propose if you don’t want to waste your time only dating?

‘ I’m glad you’ve tried to be kinder to yourself. Have you managed to silence the inner critic and get in touch with a compassionate voice inside of you? A voice that is telling you that you are lovable and worthy, even if you make mistakes?’

Yes, I did. I’m struggling with my inner critic every day. Some days are harder, others a bit easier. But you’re so right, it does affect the mood, well-being and how you see yourself every day. It’s just that I’m not always consistent with it and I give up and fall back into being consistent with it. Especially when I’m dealing with stressful situations at home, work, or with my health, I feel a big chaos and confusion, and the inner critic is the loudest.

Especially after coming back from that retreat, everything hit me at once. Responsibilities kicked in, and I had to take on so many projects at work because I’d been away for a while, and it is summer time. It all came with a price – stress, overwhelm, and disappointment.

That’s why I felt that starting with friends first and maybe more later might be the best approach for me. I was always true to this way of approaching relationships, but could not properly communicate it at the right moment to the man. I did not know how without scaring them away.

Of course, this would be after I’ve taken the time to heal and nurture so I can have more clarity and avoid wrong people on my path.

Tee, how long do you envision taking time for this healing before allowing progression?