Dear Tee,

It really is a big contradiction, and I hadn’t noticed it before — thank you for pointing that out.

I think what he meant is that if again any of the projects turn out to be successful, things will become easier. But if not, then we’d have to live as modestly as he is able to provide now.

You are very right, Tee. He talks about casual visualizations of the future as a family, but without concrete steps, resources, or any consideration for the time we need to care for the baby. He already mentioned that he has resources — but only for himself and even that at a minimum. And what about us?

And what about the other responsibilities of having a baby, aside from the financial ones?

Maybe, indeed, a baby is a way to trap a woman, or perhaps it’s just to create another illusion in her head. In reality, he may not even truly want it. Or perhaps he is simply so immature that he throws these words around without giving them the thought and seriousness they truly deserve.

Yes, Tee, it’s quite possible that tying a woman with a baby seems like a much easier strategy to him than actually marrying her first. Maybe the other woman realised something really wrong and run away.

I just realized — if he’s not even capable of caring for someone lost on the motorway in a moment of serious distress, how could he possibly handle the much bigger challenges of living together, managing a household, and dealing with all the problems that come with it? I would even say that being with a man like that could be a disaster in the future.

If I decided to be with that man, I would probably end up suffering again, and he might be just as emotionally unavailable as people I’ve known before.

Tee, I hope you have a wonderful trip, and I look forward to hearing from you in a few days. Take your time, get some good rest, and enjoy yourself.

Take care!

Dear Anita,

Yes, you’re absolutely right—it has been far too too much emotional labor. I feel like endlessly working in a field, giving all my energy, yet never harvesting peace.

And I know you’re perfectly right about it. My hope is that when someone truly comes into my life, I will have the clarity to recognize it, to know what to do, and to walk that path with confidence.

And this time, it will be someone clear and transparent—someone honest from the very beginning—so that I don’t have to keep guessing, questioning, or analyzing every little thing. Just openness, truth, and peace from the start.

I am truly, deeply grateful for all the help you’ve given me, and I want you to know that I will carry your teachings with me. I will do my best to break away from old patterns and instead create a new, brighter, and better future.

And even though I don’t feel strong enough right now, I hope that I will one day find the strength I need. I pray for that strength, and I pray that better days are waiting ahead—for both of us.

Sending you lots of love and light for the days ahead 💛 💖 🤗

Please take care my dear xx
With warmth
Dafne

Dear Anita,

Thank you for your quick reply – faster than a rocket! Much appreciated!

” You wrote today, Aug 20, 2025: “There is only one thing I still don’t understand. He never asked me for money and never mentioned that I should pay for the house. He seemed to be happy in the role of a traditional provider. On Dec 29, 2024, the first time you shared about him, you wrote: “He told me that he was taken advantage of in his past and doesn’t want it to happen again. Now he expects reciprocation with everything he does.” He told you right from the beginning that he expects financial reciprocation “with everything he does.” That’s not him being “happy in the role of a traditional provider”

It was about women he knew before who wanted favors from him – not financial, but things like using his parking space for a year or asking him for constant help. When he asked them for something in return, even in small ways, they never reciprocated. Eventually, they lost contact because of that. He felt used. So he did not mind paying for dates with me as long as he felt appreciated. I always thanked him with a gift for his birthday or Christmas. And whenever he gave me a small gift on a date, I liked to return the gesture with a homemade cake or some other treat. I felt that was the least I could do to say thank you. I know that many modern women wouldn’t do that, believing that just being there should be enough for him. But I felt it wasn’t. Did what I’ve just described help clarify a few things for you, Anita?

” Continued, Dec 29: “I replied that… I don’t want a 50/50 style.’ Today, you shared: “He never asked me for money”- I’m guessing that he didn’t ask you for money because you told him last year that you don’t want a 50/50 style—and because both you and your mother expressed (valid) distrust in his financial and business talk due to his lack of transparency.”

Yes, indeed, that was later on. Before, we never spoke about it, and he at least acted as a provider. I mentioned 50/50 only because he gave me that example from my reply above about the reciprocity in relationships. Apparently, he did not want to be taken advantage of again. I’m also starting to think that maybe it did not have to do with finances, or at least not directly. Perhaps he didn’t want to be vulgar, but he was expecting a kind of physical intimacy that he did not get. In the beginning, he accepted that because he knew about my values. But maybe over time, he began to feel that this wasn’t enough for him. Could it be?

‘ You asked: “Do you think he planned to wait till we move in together and then start his demands?”- Yes, I think so. His lack of transparency itself is the big red flag. It’s not something you caused—it’s the way he is.’

Yes, Anita, the lack of transparency in answering questions (even after many weeks) was definitely a big red flag. And the turning it around by saying that my asking questions showed a lack of trust in him only made it worse.’

“The occasion on the motorway revealed his true colors… he did not call or check in to ask about us, not even knowing if I’m alive or not… I decided to never contact him again.”- A wise decision, Dafne.

I’m glad that, thanks to your help and further investigation, I could make that decision and let go of my doubts. Thank you.

“They always ask what I’m looking for at this stage of my life, but I don’t know what the best answer is. What is your opinion on that, Anita?… Would you say something else?” If I were in your place, Dafne, I would say that I’m looking for a relationship of transparency and integrity—to say what we mean, to mean what we say, and to follow our words with actions that match. And when we make mistakes (occasionally, not as part of a pattern of deception)—to talk about it honestly and respectfully.’

That’s a very beautiful reply, Anita. I just hope that whoever I use it with will truly appreciate it – and, as you always say, turn it into action, not words 😊

” You asked today: “How can I stop feeling guilty? What helped you, Anita, when you decided to break out of that prison cell with your mother? ” I was like you, Dafne. I grew up—or as I prefer to say, grew-in—with no way to express myself freely either. I too had to be quiet. Only I didn’t have a room to hide in. The conflicts with my mother, and her conflicts with others, dominated my space. I had no space of my own, except for daydreaming when she wasn’t home. As a result, I instinctively tried to disappear—erasing my own needs and feelings so thoroughly that I no longer knew what I needed, wanted, or felt. Or better said: I didn’t trust my feelings to reflect reality. And even worse, I felt guilty for hurting my mother—because she guilt-tripped me mercilessly and repeatedly.’
How did I break out of the prison cell of self-alienation—where I didn’t trust my feelings, didn’t know what I needed or wanted, and carried invalid guilt? By taking up space. By expressing myself. By holding my mother accountable for the wrongs she committed against me. By releasing the shame and guilt the child within me held. By freeing her.
And Dafne, you are already doing this. Every time you name what didn’t feel right, every time you question the story you were handed, every time you choose not to contact someone who showed you disregard—you are taking up space. You are protecting the child within you. You are not failing to cope; you are learning to live in a way that honors your truth. That is not a weakness. That is healing.’

That’s truly a great way to describe taking up space and having a voice – that’s exactly what we need right now.
They failed us Anita, they failed us big time. Whether it was conscious or unconscious, it caused the same kind of pain and had lifelong consequences for us. They may be sorry now, or not. But it’s too late. Even if we forgive them, even if we forget, nothing will change, and nothing will ever fill that void inside us. Every time we see happy families, every time we rejoice for them, something deep down will never be made whole. A piece of us was taken, and no matter how much love we find, that missing piece will never return. It is an absence we carry, a silence that echoes through our lives, reminding us of what should have been, but never was.
Let’s find the strength to hold onto that and take up our space. Let’s not let our emotions take control anymore, failing us every time a new person comes to take another piece away.

Thank you for being here Anita xx
With warmth and gratitude
Dafne

Dear Anita,

Lovely to hear from you again, and thank you very much for taking the time to answer my questions – I really appreciate your patience and clear explanations.

” When you got lost driving and called him for help, you deserved help. So—he couldn’t give you what you deserved? Or wouldn’t?”

Yes, he meant that he could not offer me the financial stability I deserved, but what I really needed from him was the emotional support and presence.

” And what do they mean by “a good man”? Definitions vary. Every bad man is good in some context—Hitler, for example, was reportedly good to his dog.”

That example is great, Anita. I couldn’t help but chuckle at how accurate it is. Probably, his friends did not see his true colors yet, or they were all in it to impress women with foreign projects. And it is not like those projects did not exist at all. They did, but without sponsors and contracts signed, it was just a dream. He said to me that he was very happy that I met his friends because now I can see that it was all real. But all I could see was that they all talk about projects that need investments that never come.

“ Maybe his pride did not let him be entirely honest? ”- What if you shift focus from his motives to the impact of his behavior on you? Did his dishonesty hurt you?

Yes, it did hurt me, Anita, and when you said that, it hit me like lightning – that’s the mindset change that I need now. I tend to have the wrong focus. I should stop analyzing his motives and pay attention to how this person’s actions make me feel. We are not perfect human beings and make mistakes, but those repeated and serious breaches of trust are not excusable.

“The occasion on the motorway revealed his true colors.”- Yes—and the fact that he didn’t check on you afterward shows he didn’t regret failing you when you needed help. He didn’t call to sincerely apologize or make amends.

No, he did not call or check in to ask about us, not even knowing if I’m alive or not. Only a few days ago, there was an incident on that motorway where people were attacked by strangers. They stopped on a similar, remote route and refused to give money. Even if he knew that, he would not change his behavior because he hates hearing bad news in general, and he doesn’t want to know. At first, I thought it was because there was too much negativity on TV, or people were complaining a lot to him, and he did not want his health to be affected. And that maybe he is too sensitive and afraid to handle it. Anita, you agree that it was not easy to figure that out at first? You suspected that in February, but the real confirmation came only recently. But now, thanks to you, I realized it was because he doesn’t have empathy and refuses to help when in need. Even the most sensitive and afraid person will come to the rescue in a situation like that. He is still in my contacts list and did not block me. Considering all that we talked about, I don’t think I want to hear back from him ever again. I decided to never contact him again.

“He pretended to be offended and made me feel guilty instead.”- Your tendency to feel guilty can be weaponized by others. That’s not your fault—but it’s something to protect.

You are so right! This tendency is hunting me wherever I go. Even if I learn to manage it for a while, then in the moments of distress, it comes back, and the same cycle repeats. I’ve tried to be kinder to myself and apply the Inner Child therapy, but it fails in real-life situations, like with that man. How can I stop feeling guilty? What helped you, Anita, when you decided to break out of that prison cell with your mother?

“How is it possible to change that much?”- He didn’t change. He removed the mask.

Great explanation, Anita. There is only one thing I still don’t understand. He never asked me for money and never mentioned that I should pay for the house. He seemed to be happy in the role of a traditional provider, but was not able to due to his professional failures.

Do you think he planned to wait till we move in together and then start his demands? He never asked me for money, so I was not sure if he planned to exploit me financially or for me to just pay my half and live with him. The second possibility was that he just wanted to live with a woman and have a baby in the future.

He already failed at that with another woman in the past. For some reason (that he did not want to discuss), she broke up with him and chose a more successful man to marry. Not sure if only money was the issue or rather his character.

Do you remember Anita when we discussed the potential proposal in February? So now, when we met at the event, he told me a bit more about his intentions. He stated that he expected to buy me a simple jewelry or a simple engagement ring, and after that expected me to move in together and maybe have a baby! He did not tell me this before. For him engagement ring did not mean setting the wedding date. So I guess this time, he got tired of pretending and told me more than he eventually planned.

“It is still hard to believe that one unpredictable moment in life like this can change everything and cast a shadow on a promising story.”- I wasn’t sure what “promising story” you meant here—could you clarify?

I thought it was promising as he started courting me without imposing any physical contact. He did the right things and invested in the dates. He made efforts to see me. He wanted a life together. At first, the only red flag was his professional situation and the lack of transparency.

I knew about his health problems, but only recently found out that the doctors suspected that he had cancer. He told me that all is under control, but he is afraid that he may end up like his father (apparently, that’s how he lost him). So I suspect that he just wants an easy and enjoyable life right now without working too much. And me pushing him to find a stable job is inconvenient for him. He also felt too old to start a new work or change qualifications.

‘Even with high confidence and no trauma, your neighbor’s behavior would still be disturbing. Without legal support or eviction, moving out may be the only real solution.”

I’m sorry that my situation with the neighbor brought up some painful memories regarding your life with your mother. I know exactly how you feel. Yes, the best solution is to move, but the housing situation in the area is so hard, and we have to wait for a suitable place for a long time. And most of those places do not accept a dog anyway. We feel stuck and helpless.

Tee suggested that cultivating my inner voice is the next healthy step I could take before finding romantic love. I feel like most men are not interested or afraid to start with friendship. They always ask what I’m looking for at this stage of my life, but I don’t know what the best answer is. What is your opinion on that, Anita? Maybe I will not open up too much to them at first and say that I’m currently focusing on my professional projects and only have time for friendships at the moment. What do you think, Anita? Would you say something else?

Anita, thank you for always being so generous with your time & knowledge. Your willingness to support, to explain, and help me make sense of things never goes unnoticed.

I feel truly lucky to have someone like you who cares so much and is there by my side.

While waiting to hear from you, I want to wish you a beautiful day & send you some kind words and hugs included 😊

Take care dear xx
Dafne

Dear Tee,

I hope you’re having a peaceful day and that your health continues to improve. I’m so happy to know that you’re here with us. Thank you again for your presence and for sharing this journey with me.

Did you try any holistic methods to support your health while you were away? I’ve learned that there are retreats made for different health needs, and they can help with anxiety and other health challenges. Also for couples.

When we last talked, I was torn and had no idea what to do with myself and all those negative emotions. The pressure was enormous, and my health started to suffer even more. That was the time when the new man appeared in my life, and I became even more confused by his identity and what he does in life.

Things started to pile up, and I just felt like escaping somewhere immediately, despite the fear.

So, the retreat I’m referring to is rather more of an ascetic center. It reflects a different atmosphere – one of simplicity, discipline, and focus. It was rough and basic, but authentic at the same time. I want to move on to the next stage for a much longer time, but I’m not sure if I could do it without missing the connection, and also without feeling a sense of guilt.

To answer your question regarding the patterns, they appeared to be triggered by a few different factors. The anxiety hit me stronger when I came back. It might be a mixture of being in an emotionally unstable environment, living in the past, meeting that con artist again, and a dangerous next-door neighbor.

I believe that I didn’t mention that in my past post that for a long time we’ve had troubles with a mean, and as it recently turns out, a dangerous neighbor. It is a very bitter and hateful person towards animals and all people in general. Due to some law regulations in state laws, she can’t be evicted, despite being reported to the police before. This neighbour’s actions recently went beyond my belief – I still can’t wrap my head around it.

Recently, she threw a bucket of dangerous chemicals on us and our little dog as he did a little pipi on our balcony (not hers). Luckily, I was able to wash the poor thing off before it was too late. I was shaken for days and still am. She could easily harm me or others as she told us to go to the balcony on purpose. Unfortunately, many of my clothes, flowers, and other property were irreversibly damaged. It took us days to clean, wash, and get rid of the bad odor. She, of course, denied it all and blamed another neighbor. Can you believe that?

That neighbor lives alone and seems to exist only to stalk people, disturb them, criticize them, knock on their doors, and make them feel anxious. Other neighbors told me that they also feel like she takes pleasure in other people’s suffering, laughing when causing harm, and they are unable to defend themselves as they are afraid for their kids and family. Many have left already, and new neighbors come and go.

That incident triggered severe anxiety, we still can’t sleep normally, and constantly feeling unsafe. So yes, Tee, it added an unbearable tension at home too. The fear that she might harm us is always present, and the police can’t do much.

On top of that, I feel caught in my mother’s swings between occasional moments of kindness, good advice, and care, and then harsh judgment and criticism. It might come from the fear of getting older and her inability to change the place she lives in right now. Life was hard for her, too, and she did not really enjoy it.

My father, on the other hand, lived to the fullest and did not care about anyone but himself. He has not contacted me since last year. The last time we spoke was when I called him and he told me about his health problems and that it is ok for children not to have it easy in life. Even if legally he told me I am entitled to some of his place (shared with his ex-wife?? or still now wife? and her adult child) I am not interested and I can’t trust him either.

Regarding my mother, I am not entirely without blame, either, because whenever I hear her criticism, I find myself trying to protect myself by reminding her own bad choices. But most of the time, I’m trying to stay silent, just like during my retreat.

Then I reminded her that it was she who made the wrong choice for her life partner and also gave the piece of land to my abusive uncle, her brother. I can’t understand that till now. Maybe she wanted to forget that place, and her brother was manipulating her into signing the documents for his own gain? Maybe she was weak just like me right now? Anyways, those past hurts come up in our conversations, and it spoils the mood completely.

What I’ve noticed is that if I tell her that I need space and quiet, she keeps talking and telling me about her old age and that I’m going to be alone…and it is really scaring me. And when I shut down, she needs that connection, and I don’t, as I get very overwhelmed and my health issues worsen. How to break that pattern?

Also, seeing that man at the event gave me hope that something has changed, and it is a sign from Heaven that we met that day. I asked him why he had not contacted me sooner, and he said that it was because he felt that he could not give me what I deserved. His friends said that he is a good man and cares about me. But can’t give me what I want. This added to my confusion about him and made me feel sorry for him. Is it possible that all three friends are wrong about him? Or were they just in it together? I thought that he felt unsuccessful and less worthy, and just gave up on us. Maybe his pride did not let him be entirely honest? This was not a good excuse either. But all of this covered my judgment and made me give him another chance.

And yes, Tee, she has accompanied me before to make sure I’m safe. Those men were not known to us or our family, so I did not mind it. Also, in our culture, parents can assist till things get serious. Once there is trust, we do not need that anymore. But all those men seemed to be bad news.

I completely agree with you regarding that man, and I could not find the right word for him, but you did. Scammer is spot on! He was buying more of my time, pretending to be someone else.

I really appreciate that you were able to see both sides of the coin – the way you described the situation, noticing some positive aspects of my mom’s behavior, as well as some things that might be unusual, perhaps due to cultural differences and closer influence of a parent, and maybe controlling tendencies with a bit of selfish intentions. It could be both. I truly value how openly and thoughtfully you approached it.

Thank you for your compassion, Tee, and for seeing my experiences with that man from all different angles. I can now see clearly what kind of man he is. That inner voice told me to say the right thing at the right time. It was indeed the voice of my True Self. You’re right that finding my true self and cultivating it is the next healthy step I could take before finding romantic love. I feel like most men are not interested or afraid to start with friendship. I will select those who are. I will not open up too much to them and just say that I’m focusing right now on my professional projects and only have time for friendships at the moment. What do you think, Tee? Would you say something else?

Your final, gentle words made me feel so warm inside and gave me a little bit more courage to try again.
Thank you for your guidance and help in navigating difficult situations. I am deeply grateful for your wisdom, patience, and care.

I hope to hear from you soon, Tee. Your thoughts are always welcome, and I truly value your perspective.

Have a beautiful afternoon,

With kindness, gratitude, and affection
Dafne

Thank you dear Anita!
Talk to you very soon 🤗

Big hug
Dafne

Thank you dear Anita. Please take your time.
Have a lovely weekend & talk to you later 🤗💝

Dear Anita & Tee,

How are you both doing? I decided to write this message to both of you together as we went through all of this as a team 🤗

First of all, I’m really happy that you are back to forum Tee. I was worried about you a lot. I know that you went through fragile moments health wise. How are you keeping now?

I don’t know if you’ve red my last trail with Anita about escaping, but I managed to disappear for a while to the silent retreat. I can’t write too many details about it as it could breach their policy, but I’ll try to share my experience with you. That’s one of the reasons I did not reply to you sooner. I was still away…

How are you Anita? Anita came to my rescue, and I can’t express my gratitude for the empathy and care she offered me back then. You both are wonderful women, and I feel a big gap when one of you is not there. But I understand your own struggle and how hard it is to be present fully for yourself and for others.

Anita, I promised you that I will be back with some news, and here I am.

I successfully completed the trial period before the final long-term stay, which I’m hoping to do once I fix the issues at home. The schedule was strict and mainly involved prayers, meditation, and hours of being silent. No technology, no Wifi at all. I’m telling you it wasn’t easy at first, and I felt like sharing it with you.

It was really hard regarding basic amenities, and the creepy crawlies gave me another anxiety and fear to sleep.

At the same time, it was amazing how people talk only with eyes, smiles, and kind gestures in a very modest and remote environment.

There was no comparison, no criticism, no gossip, no chaos, only simple human beings and Universe.

Have any of you ever gone on a similar retreat?

Then a strange thing happened…

Anita, do you remember when we decided to finish things off with that last man who did not have stable work?

After my retreat, I went to an event and guess who was there? Yes, I met him again by chance. He was cold as stone and had an attitude of being offended. Somehow, we started to talk, and he was sorry. He did not feel like contacting me as I was looking for someone more successful. Basically, he felt that he was not this man.

He introduced me to his friends (men he was collaborating professionally with). All 3 of them without stable work *freelancing with many projects in mind but with no sponsors and no money to invest. Anita you were right about the foreign project and the engagement ring too!

I don’t think Tee knew about this man, and this new experience. The big project did not work due to political and financial reasons. Now 3 new projects in sight but no contracts are signed. All in one, nothing has changed.

He still kept grudges towards us, asking him to find any job that gives him the possibility to take on morgage or at least to afford renovating his old flat. Also grudged against the boyfriend of his old woman friend as he did not believe in his project either. He was mocking his job and saying that her boyfriend had basic work without meaning. I said that it is not nice to say that behind their backs, and at least he is working hard.

He invited me to the restaurant but I hesitated to order any extras as it seemed to me that it was too much. He doesn’t give straight answers to many of my questions, so I did not ask. Was it because he did not want to spend on me more or couldn’t afford extra veggies or chips? In the end, I took chips, which we shared. Before the order, he said that he didn’t want any 😅

I’m not sure if it was an important detail, but it felt off, and the same thing happened before.

He says that he has enough of everything for himself and doesn’t need to work more. Only with me in his life, he feel like he needs to work more to afford things. I feel like a vilan who tries to make him work more to take on mortgage or to renovate his old flat. Were my expectations reasonable? It is normal to share everything after marriage, but now is actually time for him to prepare and have at least savings for the future. How will he ever receive the retirement or payslips? How he wants to be a responsible husband with projects that are not even there. He will struggle without a little plan now…

Regarding the engagement ring, he thought that I wanted traditional engagement with a ring and date, but he rather wanted to move in together and maybe have a baby! 😆 I said, “That’s not gonna happen “.

Anyways, I was trying to be empathetic and gave him another chance. He invited me to see gardens in the city near my place, and I accepted. Unfortunately, everything felt apart that day.

I texted him that I would come a few minutes later as I needed to collect some documents from my work. So, I told him not to rush and meet me a bit later. He agreed and said not to worry.

My mother started complaining as usually and it made me really stressed. Then my GPS guided me to the wrong road that I never used, but my mother assured me that it was ok and to keep going. I started to feel very fearful as we suddenly went on the motorway, and it was my first drive on it. Luckily, my mother was calm, but we got lost, and I stopped on the sideroad, in the middle of nowhere. She felt sorry that she kept pushing me to drive on the motorway and was quite supportive when I panicked.

I called him and explained the situation. He was waiting for me in a city near by. Maybe 10 minutes away but it was quite hilly and many crossroads with fast moving traffic. I got lost on the motorway and could not find my way to him. I asked for his help. He told me that I live nearby so I should know where to go. I was in a remote place so he could not pick me up. I understand that as there were no signs, no names to help him find me.

But I don’t understand why he did not wait for me? I asked him to, but he did not want to and left. I told him that we will not meet again. It was my first reaction to his lack of understanding, empathy and coldness. What would you do or say in my place? Was it the right decision? Why was he so unhelpful? What can I do now?

He did not contact me since that bad incident. Was it because he poorly manages stress and his reaction is to escape it? Or was it because I told him we will not meet again? I felt so embarassed, very disappointing by his behaviour, sad etc…lots of different emotions. Why he did not want to at least wait for me? When I asked he replied that he has 3 projects to work on (on Saturday afternoon?).

Thankfully a couple drove by and stopped to assist us. The man without too many questions and hesitation, took charge and found the way back and told me to follow him. He guided me to the main road, and then I could easily come back home. It was a miracle! I told his companion that their both very lucky to have each other. Things could have ended badly as there were no people around and who knew who could stop…and he knew that some strangers will help us but still did not wait for me or ask if we got back safely.

Those were my personal reactions and feelings. How do you see that situation?

The retreat was quite helpful, but I feel the old, fearful patterns are coming back and stealing the peace I felt over there…

I’m sorry to write so much, but I thought I could at least share some updates with you.

I hope you’re both doing well. How is your summer going so far? I imagine that being on this forum could feel like a full-time job at times. Did you both manage to take some holidays or at least relax a bit?

I am looking forward to hear from you both soon. I miseed you! 🥰