Dear Tee,

How is your summer going? I hope you are doing better and that your spirits are lifted a little bit with better weather🌞

I’m sorry for the late reply Tee; I was a little bit angry with myself. I would have written to you much sooner but the original message got erased by mistake and I couldn’t gather my thoughts after that. I still don’t have the internet at home and need to rely on other people’s availability.

Meanwhile, I participated in a small group talk organized for the COVID survivors. So I have more to tell you 🙂 It was an exceptional event where I could share some of the issues that you and I are discussing here. They believe that COVID causes or makes anxiety, chronic stress, and depression much worse and if you do not talk about it or deal with it somehow; it can even lead to suicide attempts (which has happened a lot since the pandemic).

It made me think of you and your anxiety struggle as well. It is very important to have someone caring in your life who doesn’t ignore the importance of your feelings and mental state. I shared with the group that although I do not have anyone nearby, I know someone who helped me so much and I don’t know if I would even be here without her compassion, advice, and loving understanding. I was talking about you 🙂

Going back to your question about stopping most of my projects. Yes, the breakup affected me badly but that was only one of the reasons. You see, I’ve lost some of the kindest and closest people to my heart during COVID, and on top of that health-related issues and childhood trauma coming up to the surface out of nowhere. Not a good mix at all.

You’re right Tee, somehow I need to bring the joy and enthusiasm back to life. But how to forget the past? How to move on without feeling bitter or even sad seeing fathers nurturing their daughters at any age? I’m an adult but still feel that empty space and a void that I can’t fill myself.

And maybe I got even more triggered when I met my fiancée. Maybe you got it right again and he wasn’t a victim or as good as he presented himself to me and my mother.

I believe now that my mother was not totally wrong about him. With marrying me for sure. But also with the other aspects. I will explain more now. He mostly prioritized the needs of his kids. I agree with her on that now because I felt almost invisible when they were over. He asked how I was but I needed to do what he expected me to do. It was never about being fair to the kids and myself. At the same time, he did not let me do things on my own when they came over to his place. To give you an example, he did not like it when I wanted to see my friends outside or go to the library. He expected me to entertain his daughter and stay at home. I did not mind doing it but then it got too much as it felt draining. I felt overwhelmed to be with them all the time and needed some space for myself (especially during the long breaks). He would get angry when I decided to do it anyway (go outside, meet with friends, or travel to see my family). So when I let him take care of his children’s needs it was fine with him and I also was expected to take care of their needs but if I wanted to take care of my needs (going out and doing what I needed to do) it was not fine. And no one cared about what I needed (just like my dad did to me). I’m not sure if I’m explaining it well 🙂 Tee, please let me know if you understand that bit.

Tee, to answer your question about my mother standing up for me and herself, no, it was not easy to ask anything from my father. He was young and not responsible. As far as I know, he wasn’t even keen on paying the child support. He never bought me anything nice, even a toy. He only brought some used things for me to play with once his ex-wife’s son was done with it. Once he promised to buy a doll house but he never did. He promised to visit me on time but was always late. When I wanted to speak up and say my opinion, he said that he felt like slapping me as I should never interrupt him or try to be more clever than him. He also called me bad names when I asked for something. So I was afraid to ask or want anything from him.

My father indeed did not care about ensuring a home for me and my mother was afraid of him. She told me that he was trying to blackmail her if she tried anything. My dad did not want me to have an easier life than he had as a child which is awful. My mother’s lawyer told her to fight for the old house so I could safely stay there. But apparently, my dad changed the documents and put the house under his sister’s name so we could not have it. Then he tried to push her lawyer off the stairs because he tried to help us. It is an awful thing to discover after all those years. I feel like I did not know my life at all.

Yes, the kids stayed usually every 2 weekends, but also all the school holidays, breaks, and whenever his ex-wife felt like it (which was quite often). So it was expected of me to take care of them. When he first met me he paid a neighbor to help him but then she refused as she did not like to stay with his kids. She told me that they were spoiled, badly behaved, and aggressive at times. I know what she was talking about. I’ve experienced that behavior from his son, who was playing violent games constantly, shouting, and using bad words.

My fiancée scolded him but was afraid to lose him so let it be. The boy even said that he would kill everybody who is not doing as he pleases. I did not think of this as a real threat, but my fiancée said that if a stepmother or any other woman is not doing the right thing, she deserves it. That was when we saw a movie together about a boy who killed his stepmother for shouting at him and was not sentenced. My fiancée agreed with the plot in that movie and that the boy did not get punished by law.

His daughter was really sweet when she was small but with time started to compete with me for his dad’s attention. This triggered my ‘daddy’s issues’ and I started to feel neglected. I felt ashamed of myself feeling that way at my age but also unappreciated and unloved. She even demanded he buy things for her only and that she wanted all his money. She was fed from a very young age that only power and money matters. I’m sure both parents poisoned her mind from an early age. It did not feel good to be in this situation as it triggered my old wounds. I wanted desperately for something to change and get better so we could be a loving couple or even a patchwork family.

But would it be possible for me to change anything? Would buying a new home together help?

He told me to forget about his house and buy something together. Would it be possible for his kids and his ex-wife to claim our new house (with or without the divorce)? Someone told me that maybe it was his plan as well. I was not his wife so even with the prenup, he could make sure that his kids get half of our new house as well. Tee, do you think this is possible?

Also, I did not like the way he ordered food for himself and his kids. He gave me a very tiny portion of it and never ordered a takeaway just for me. Apparently, I should be cooking every time they were over. I did most of the time, but I was tired too, and with time, I felt it was not fair to expect it from any woman who is not a wife. And even then, most women wouldn’t do it.

I also found it very strange that he told me that he is a vegetarian but ate meat when I was not looking. And then saying that he wasn’t but I saw him eating it. And I am not a vegetarian so why hide? The neighbor told me that maybe he did not want to buy meat as it was too expensive and when she stayed at his place he was very stingy with food. He even told his son to navigate what she was eating.

Sometimes he invited me out to the restaurant but was nabbing at my food as well 🙂 I don’t mind sharing and tasting each other’s dishes but if he liked it so much, he should have ordered an extra portion. He then always turned it into a joke saying that he didn’t want me to get fat. Am I too sensitive in saying all that?  I’m trying to be fair and not judge him too much, but those little things made a difference.

When we first met, he agreed that one day he would consider marriage, maybe having a child, and that it is a good idea to have a dog. Then with time he started to change and said that some of the things he said earlier were only a joke (after I already got a small dog) and I should not take everything too seriously. Also, his sisters manipulated him a lot. Everything had to be consulted with the sisters. He never mentioned that they helped to pay his mortgage. He said that his dad helped a bit but not his sisters.

So till today, I am not sure if he is divorced or not as the paper he showed me was a provisional decree of divorce but I did not see the final paper. He told me that he is divorced but not financially. And back then all family and friends confirmed that he was legally divorced but probably did not receive the final paper or lost it in the process.

He told me to not be too visible to his ex-wife (showing our pictures on social media etc.) so she wouldn’t claim the house.

Is it possible for someone to claim the house after the final divorce? And if indeed they would make such a deal that he cannot sell the house without her approval, why would he talk about her claiming it? Did he mean taking it completely?

Just like you Tee, I would never agree to plan my life with a man who isn’t divorced but I was convinced that he is. So I lost lots of time and energy in trying to figure out his motives and knowing his status.

I agree with you 100 % that agreeing to his demands would be like a second-class relationship and not fair at all.

The problem is that I do not know what a healthy relationship looks like. I can’t relate to any couple (maybe just in romantic movies), but it is not always realistic. So usually I followed my heart and Tee look how far it got me.

So, in this unclear situation, you would not accept that living relationship, but what if he was divorced, widowed, or never married before? Would your opinion change on that? Would you accept the live-in situation without ever getting married?

I know his family and friends, and they all confirmed that he is divorced. They all attended his court proceedings and I saw the letter saying that they are divorced but can change their mind up to a certain date. So it could be that the ex-wife did not want to proceed with the final divorce and they agreed to separate and keep the financial situation unresolved. My fiancé used to tell me very often that till now his ex-wife did not make any claim to the house but she may in the future (if for example, he reveals to her that I exist). I was always surprised why there were no pictures of us together in the house or phone profile. He always explained that she may get jealous and claim the house. But I don’t understand why she needs to claim the house if she has the right to half of it.

I know you advised me to not contact him again. I found out that he had changed his number and gave it now to his daughter. She told me that. I also asked her to contact me when she is at his place but she did not. I need to know if any of my letters are still coming to his address but have no way to find out. He told me not to come to his house because he could not come to my mother’s house. Does that even make sense? What can I do now?

My mother never had drinking problems before. I never remember her drunk. At some point, she started to analyze her life and feel bad about it.

The problem is that she doesn’t just go and fall asleep. She starts talking a lot, loudly, and is not giving up till she gets a reaction from me. No matter what I do, she won’t stop until I talk back. Then she plays the victim and starts blackmailing. I told her about the GP but she doesn’t care as she doesn’t trust doctors anyway. This did not work, unfortunately. I am trying to avoid her but this works only for a while and then she finds me and starts talking and complaining.

Tee, I am grateful for your help. It would be impossible for me to understand myself better without you!

I appreciate all you do! 💕

Big kiss my dear and please let me know your news 🙂

Dear Tee,

Thank you. I hope so too! The whole place was affected and many people and businesses were struggling as well.

Thankfully, I found a place I could use, and the owners were very kind to help.

I’m really happy to hear that you’re managing your health issues much better and don’t give up easily 🙌 and the activities you’re doing sound lovely too!

At the same time I feel really sorry that you can’t participate in the activities that you used to enjoy so much. I feel for you even more as I know how hard it must be. After my last COVID, it got even worst. I’m getting easily tired, out of breath, can’t exercise and no more activities that I used to love.
<p style=”text-align: left;”>I was smiling when you mentioned the flower in my profile picture 😊 you got it right again. I did do a lot of artistic projects in the past and painting was one of my favourites. I used to sit in the nature a lot and just breath. You’re so right that it’s the best nourishment for the soul and we need to go out more often!</p>
Yes, it was a separate session but people seemed to share the information and it did not feel very private. The group wasn’t the patients but the health professionals. You found the right word for this kind of practice “tough love” and it wasn’t a very compassionate & understanding environment. It might be that they meant well and did not want people to feel like victims but the effect was completely different. It did not feel right at all and feelings seemed to be ignored and logic prevailed.

Tee, I will make sure to check the places you suggested for the tramatised animals. My mom’s dog is a COVID baby as she got him around that time. She rescued him and had to pay a lot of money as the place did not want to keep him due to his appearance. He had a squint and was very shy. Nobody wanted him but my mother showed her loving heart and took him. My mother did not give him the proper training as most places were closed during the COVID and he stayed at home most of the time. She did a very beautiful thing but now as he got older it got harder as well.

Oh yes, Tee, that’s the man I am talking about. Please don’t feel bad about being suspicious because it really seems that he had some hidden motives. To be fair to my mother, yes, she did meet him and his kids in person. She stayed at his house (he bought it on mortgage). His ex wife did not contribute anything (his own words). But he said it is better to give the house to the mother of his kids than to any new woman/wife in his life. He also told me that his ex mentioned that she will make sure that no new woman in his life will get anything from him. So they both still have the same rights to the house. That’s why they did not separate financially.

It might be that the divorce was never finalised. He never showed to me the final document although I asked many times. Apparently it got lost somewhere or his ex forgot to send it to him. He got angry and shut me down easily. This could be one option or his ex wife did not want to give up her half or she had no money to buy the half from him. Which one is most realistic?

So my mother stayed for 2 weeks in his house to cook, clean as the kids were small and he could not do much (he did not want to pay for baby sitter or any help). My mother did it for free.

And yes, him and his family (3 sisters) were ultra materialistic and let’s say stingy with money and emotions. But all 3 of them are married to the good, kind and rich men who they really like to boss around and control. But when it came to my fiancé, they controlled his every decision and all decisions I made had to have some benefit to him or his kids. He also did not have a good job and struggled financially when I first met him.

Other than that, he controlled me when I wanted to go out with my girlfriends. He always suspected that I might meet some man better than him. He also told me that he pushed his ex-wife on the coach and she called police 2 times on him. It might be more than he was saying to me. But he blamed her for everything. The official version was that she left the house when he was at work and filed for divorce. He took her passport so she could not leave the country with kids. He never wanted the divorce and convinced her to stay.

They also told me that she had another man before and married my fiancé only for his passport (their marriage was arranged by their parents).

He always spoke about rich people highly and told his kids that poor people have no value in this life. We had some arguments about it but I did not want to play their mother to teach them what is really important in life.

And on top of that he had an obsession about the property and houses. Always wanted to visit people and see how they live and asked if they only rent or own them. I found it strange but thought that it is because his family wasn’t rich.

He saw how my family lived (even my father’s place) as my uncle used to live not far from his place. But it was not enough. My family was curious why there are still no wedding plans but he said it is complicated.

So in the end he said that he can’t marry me civilly but only religiously + common law agreement (cohabitation agreement). He wanted that I sign a document that I give up rights to his house. So basically have no rights at all to anything. I considered signing it as I believed that love will conquer it all but I felt that it could have been a mistake of my life.

After that he told me that if we want to continue our relationship, he wants to visit my mother’s place. I asked him why? If he wanted to see her, she could come over to his place. His version was that he wants to see where she lives, maybe she hides something, that it is not normal to prevent him from coming and she will ruin it for us etc. My mother refused after hearing his conditions and refusal of getting married civilly.

She thinks that religious marriage is not enough nowadays and giving up my rights as a wife is an insult to her and to me. She also asked around and some advisors told her that he was pushing to see her place to make sure that I have a place to go in case of our break up. It would be like an insurance policy for him so I don’t stay at his house. Is that possible? Normally all those conditions are stated in the agreement.

Then he told me that I can’t visit him at his house either until she accepts him in her home. So that was the end of us…

What do you think Tee? Was I right to stop all the contact with him after all that? I still wrote with his daughter but it seems now that she is distancing herself from me as well. What would you do in my place?

The dream is quite a mystery and I don’t really know what the higher power is trying to tell me. Maybe it is a regret? Maybe guilt? Maybe fear that I won’t find anyone better?

Tee, can you please help me to solve it bit by bit? 🕵️‍♀️

Thank you for listening, Tee and for caring to figure this all out! ❤️🙏🤗

Lot’s of love to you and praying for the encouragement on your path to healing 🌹🙏

Dear Tee,

How was your weekend? I’m glad that you are feeling better 💖

You are such a special person. I was so deeply touched by your words. You have helped me more than anyone else. I feel like I’m talking to my best friend or a family member. I understand the people who say that family is what you make it to be.

You’re right those counselors weren’t professional and unfortunately my anxiety skyrocketed after that visit. I had very mixed feelings. I found them on the church board and decided to go for it as it is a place I trusted but seems like they don’t even know them. I asked the priest and he said that he has no personal experience with them. What is sure, I’m not going to go back to that place again and instead will try to apply your plan for the future and moving away at some point. I could still visit frequently and help as much as I can without staying accesible and feel stuck in one place with them full time.

But Tee, what should I do with that little dog? He did not deserve to be treated like that. What if my mother is serious and will give him away. His heart would not handle it as he has a separation anxiety and doesn’t stay alone at home and never at other people’s place. Is there anything I can do? I feel so helpless and it is a blackmail indeed.

I wish things were different but they are not. And you’re so right about that wrong mind program running in my head since childhood. It is mostly those little statements that my family always used on me: don’t talk, stay quite, what people will think, hide in your room or he (my uncle or my dadd) will get more angry when he sees you smiling (I could not smile in the presence of my uncle), don’t touch this, your opinion doesn’t matter etc. So yes, I was not aware how destructive those comments are and what effect they have on a child and later on an adult.

I feel lots of fear. I hope it will not prevent me from moving away and finding my own place. I’m not sure if I can make it on my own. It is ironic how we are emotionally attached to people who have hurt you the most in life. Isn’t it?

Thank you Tee for cultivating this safe and loving space for me and all of us. Really helpful suggestions and reflections. Much love ❤️

So grateful for you. Take care Tee and I’m praying for your healing 🙏

Dear Tee,

Thank you for your wishes!

I’m really glad that you’re feeling better 💖

It is unbelievable how our mind & body are connected together & impact our well-being & future life.

Some of those deep corners of our souls seem to have a way to reveal themselves after all this time. I can see after years how this important aspect was overlooked in my family & I imagine that it must have felt similar in yours.

If I was sad, I had to get over it & stop being so sensitive about it. My only coping mechanism was to shut down & find solace in my solitude.

Tee, my biggest life changing regret is that I did not manage to get married early, have family on my own, and trust my emotions to someone other than my biological family. I stayed for too long. I felt frozen. I felt that there was no way out & that there is nothing better out there in this scarry world. And fear was my only companion.

The same old fear comes back to me when I think that I ruined my chances with the man I’ve met at the church outing. I had no courage to ask if he is interested & wants to go out again and he found someone else shortly after meeting with me. I’m not good at recognising a good chance or a good man and then it’s too late. He is now with the friend of his sister (she works with her). Well, maybe he knew her before as he was visiting his sister quite often or maybe he would choose her anyway? It’s not easy as I don’t have all the answers…

Somehow I still keep thinking of what did go wrong and if not contacting him first, contributed to his decision?

Yes, Tee, most of my relatives passed away, and unfortunately, there is no one now to really listen.

This holiday felt quite lonely. I’m still taking care of my elderly and feel guilty leaving them. Talking to my mother seems pointless at this stage. It always ends up in some kind of argument and pointing all my past mistakes. I also realised that she feels quite comfortable with my current situation.

So it looks like I am on a good path to healing, I am aware and I know that I need to work on my self worth more. But at the same time I feel stuck again and can’t find an exit.

Tee, you are a wonderful, wise and selfless woman that touched me with such a beautiful understanding, compassion and warmth and I thank you for all of this 🙏

Hope to hear from you soon. Please take care of yourself and have a great day!

Warm regards 🌼

Dafne

Dear Tee,

Thank you for your compassion, understanding & supporting me in my future plans & decisions 🙏 ❤️

I’m not sure how those emoticons work but I found them at my phone keypad. You might need to install them separately. With or without them, I can feel your kind heart offering so much warmth & the way you speak brightens my day 🌼🤗

Tee, I hope you are feeling better now and enjoying the beautiful spring time.

I’ve watched your video about the narcissistic people & their pets. It explains a lot really. It makes sense now why my father behaves this way. Not many people are aware of that dynamic and generalise (just like me before) that all dog lovers are good people to everybody.

At least now thanks to you, I know that it’s not true & I should never find excuses for his behaviour. And also not to blame myself all the time.

You’re right he did lots of damage in my life & still no change after all these years.

I was quite sensitive and shy as a small girl so there was no way for me to express myself freely. I had to be quite and hide in my room to avoid the conflict & the constant fights.

Maybe my personality as a child contributed to the fact that I can’t cope with life or romantic relationships in my adult life?

I know that some children were more stronger than me (especially those with siblings) and kept going, married early and broke contact with their abusive family members. I wasn’t that strong & I was always afraid to hurt them & say or do something wrong.

It was hard to be a child. I never spoke about my childhood with my potential dates as I could scare them away & also did not want to talk negatively about my family.

But maybe you’re right that one day, with the right person it could still be possible to share. For the moment I’m not ready to do that…

I hope everything is ok with you Tee. This life is not an easy journey and being emotional doesn’t always help us.

Please take care of yourself & hope to have your news. Thank you again! 🙏

Big hug 🫂

Dear Tee,

Thank you again for your reply and kind advice 🙏

Aw, I actually meant the picture that is underneath this post (under who runs Tiny Buddha?). It is a very nice & smily picture. I thought that it was you 🙂

Tee, you have just put into words my feelings regarding my experience with my father. I could not say it better.

Thank you for showing me your understanding & compassion that I could not find in my family home as a child and even now in my adult life.

And the church man was actually more spiritual than religious. It think that he was looking to meet women at a different venues and church was one of them. He was not a regular as some other members did not know him.

I’m not sure if he found me needy as I was quite casual and only said that past is past and I want someone who starts a new chapter with me. Something along those lines.

Maybe I wasn’t too proactive with him & he thought I wasn’t interested. I am not a flirt type & look for friendship & connection first. He may have wanted some romantic signs or sparks to fly like most men I dated.

I’ve red somewhere that only players chase women & ask her until they get her. Good guys are sometimes not sure if we like them so they wait for a women to suggest 2 date. Could that be true?

I don’t really feel like dating anymore. I feel like I can’t trust people and also I get easily discouraged.

Anyways, Tee lovely talking to you again & let’s hope that one day we will be in a good health & laugh at what was.

Warm hugs and please take care of yourself Tee 😊

Dear Tee,

Happy New Year! 😊

I haven’t heard from you since October and I’m not sure if you’ve got a chance to read my last message.

How are you feeling? Did you have a nice holiday?

I went to see some of my family and friends. It was a nice festive season but a little bit lonely deep down…

Tee, I have an update on the last man.

It was the man that I’ve met at a religious outing. He’s divorced 3 times but no kids, in his 50s. He relocated 8 months ago to my city and bought an appartment here.

We had a nice 1 meeting and then the 1st dinner date, and after we texted for a while. He said that he enjoyed our date but he didn’t ask me out again.

You advised me to give him a chance and see where it goes. We texted a little bit more and I told him to let me know if the video I’ve sent him was helpful for his stress.

Unfortunately, he did not contact me after that. I decided to wait and see if he will get back to me on that or maybe invite me on another date. I saw him online but no ring, no text.

Then our communication stopped for 3 months. I texted to ask how he was. He told me he moved to another country (for work?) shortly after our date & that he also found love of his life over there at his sister’s dinner party. It was strange as he told me that he is happy in my city & wants to stay here and not really work much because of his health issues. I was surprised that he did not tell me anything before. He did not even ask me how I was for the past 3 months. I was feeling sad but did not overreact. What would you tell him in my place?

I told him that now I understand why he did not write me for such a long time. He replied that life can turn out in a most unexpected ways.

Did I make a mistake by waiting for him and not asking directly if he wants to go out again with me? Was he not interested enough in me or just not sure of my interest level?

Or maybe I scared him by saying that my fiancée passed away many years ago? (afraid that I won’t love again)? He asked if I could ever love someone new. I told him that yes & that divorce is also a death of a relationship but not sure if he thought the same way. Maybe I opened up too much about my past?

Tee, can you help me please to solve this mystery?

Missing you Tee 🤗

Hope all the struggles you had are gone by now or at least lighter than before 🌼

Kind regards & big kiss

Dafne