It’s always nice to hear a story similar to your own, isn’t it? It’s nice to not feel alone. I’m so glad my sharing helped you too, Rosamundi! I’m glad you let me know – it makes me feel better. 🙂

Oh goodness, Matt. Everytime I read this, I cry again. I’m not an anchor anymore. I’ve let go of my superwoman role. I don’t want anyone to lean on me, to need me. But I was that person. And I think they still expect me to be.

And you’re right, I haven’t forgiven myself – for not knowing what to do. And I’ve not forgiven them for not loving me. I gave everything to them (all of my family, not just kids), and I was rejected. And I’m struggling with that. With being vulnerable again. With loving and trusting again. I have forgiven my husband. It was easy – he was always there for me, never blamed me – even when I blamed him. But the rest – I can’t and feel I should.

I understand the need to choose to live my life; to choose space when I need it. I am working on it. I just feel such guilt for choosing myself, my needs. Hopefully in time I will be able to let go of the guilt.

It may be a silly question, but logistically, how do I choose to not talk when I don’t want to? Do I just not answer the phone? That feels rude, and then I start getting panicky calls trying to find me. Do I answer and say I’m busy? At that point I already feel imposed upon in addition to being rude.

I suppose it all boils down to being ok with my own choices. *sigh* Is that true?

I’ve been working on pampering myself – getting massages, new clothes, pretty things for the house. My problem is more my interactions with others.