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It’s always nice to hear a story similar to your own, isn’t it? It’s nice to not feel alone. I’m so glad my sharing helped you too, Rosamundi! I’m glad you let me know – it makes me feel better. 🙂
Ah, Matt. You really helped bring understanding and hope to me. I will continue to read both of your responses – each time I do, I discover more. It makes me think about why they come to me – they know I’ll be here for them, I have good responses, good instincts, I’m understanding and loving, accepting. I can share those gifts with myself too. Ha ha – I’m feeling so LARGE right now.
BenzRabbit – thank you. I try to remind myself. I’m usually so successful at everything I try! I expected the thing I threw myself whole-heartedly into to go as easily as the rest. But who am I to say what their lives are supposed to look like? I was good to them. I was true to myself. What more is there?
Thank you for being here for me. I feel loved.
Oh goodness, Matt. Everytime I read this, I cry again. I’m not an anchor anymore. I’ve let go of my superwoman role. I don’t want anyone to lean on me, to need me. But I was that person. And I think they still expect me to be.
And you’re right, I haven’t forgiven myself – for not knowing what to do. And I’ve not forgiven them for not loving me. I gave everything to them (all of my family, not just kids), and I was rejected. And I’m struggling with that. With being vulnerable again. With loving and trusting again. I have forgiven my husband. It was easy – he was always there for me, never blamed me – even when I blamed him. But the rest – I can’t and feel I should.
I understand the need to choose to live my life; to choose space when I need it. I am working on it. I just feel such guilt for choosing myself, my needs. Hopefully in time I will be able to let go of the guilt.
It may be a silly question, but logistically, how do I choose to not talk when I don’t want to? Do I just not answer the phone? That feels rude, and then I start getting panicky calls trying to find me. Do I answer and say I’m busy? At that point I already feel imposed upon in addition to being rude.
I suppose it all boils down to being ok with my own choices. *sigh* Is that true?
Thank you, Ruminant. I’ve reread this several times already. It really resonates with me.
I’ve been working on pampering myself – getting massages, new clothes, pretty things for the house. My problem is more my interactions with others.
Thank you, Mark. I appreciate your kind words. I spent the day thinking about being good enough right now and loving myself. It’s definitely where I need to start. I’m going to do it. Thank you again.