Anita, thanks again for your response. I took a little time to process your thoughts because when I first read them I felt that somehow I had misstated my situation/memories once again. I truly struggle with my memory of these feelings (and wondered if I had exaggerated my parents lateness). These feelings reside deep within me and are not easily accessed. Like I wrote earlier, this search for understanding has sometimes led me astray — pushing me to believe something horrible MUST have happened to me. I think I need to accept that nothing terrible or traumatic happened but somehow my child-brain processed otherwise. This is very difficult for me to accept because I’ve spent a lifetime telling myself that there must be more, I couldn’t possibly be damaged from normal life stressors.

Thank you Mimi. I agree with you that “what matters is the feeling”. Recently, I’ve tried to get comfortable with all of my feelings and stop pushing them away.

If I am simply unable to connect with the reason for my jealousy/poor self-image, then what?

Thank you Nina and Anita for your insightful opinions and questions. I appreciate it so much!

I have never thought about the idea of “competition” as a component for my jealousy but it does ring true. I don’t like formal competition and try to avoid it at all costs but with that said, I do compare myself to others ALL of the time which is a form of competition I suppose. And yes, I am also struggling with improving my self esteem. (Jealousy seems to be easier to address than the looming, more oppressive issue of deep insecurity (sigh) although I know they are tied together).

Getting to the origin of this problem has been my quest. I spent a few years in talk-therapy discussing my family history unfortunately it really didn’t help. Although after a short break I went to see a cognitive therapist who had no interest in my background but instead focused on the present — with her I made great strides. Now I wonder if I need to revisit talk-therapy and sort out why I still feel so insecure.

I’ve lacked a healthy self-confidence for as long as I can remember. My parents have told me stories about my feelings of insecurity in kindergarten although I have no memory of this. I have early memories of being lost and abandoned. My favorite stuffed animal was bloodhound that would find me if I was lost. School was difficult and in third grade I missed several months due to a illness which left me feeling sidelined and further behind. Outside of that I really have no “tangible” experience to explain my deep feelings of insecurity which is frustrating because it does not give me anything to work with. There truly is nothing outstanding in my history that can explain it – it’s weird. In fact, years ago I became obsessed with idea that I had somehow buried a memory of trauma — as an explanation for my feelings — because it just seemed too absurd that I could feel so down without any recognizable cause at all. In so many ways, I know that I am very, very fortunate person but knowing this doesn’t help to elevate me from feeling deeply flawed.