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AMag

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  • in reply to: Jealousy Strategy #122203
    AMag
    Participant

    Anita, thanks again for your response. I took a little time to process your thoughts because when I first read them I felt that somehow I had misstated my situation/memories once again. I truly struggle with my memory of these feelings (and wondered if I had exaggerated my parents lateness). These feelings reside deep within me and are not easily accessed. Like I wrote earlier, this search for understanding has sometimes led me astray — pushing me to believe something horrible MUST have happened to me. I think I need to accept that nothing terrible or traumatic happened but somehow my child-brain processed otherwise. This is very difficult for me to accept because I’ve spent a lifetime telling myself that there must be more, I couldn’t possibly be damaged from normal life stressors.

    Thank you Mimi. I agree with you that “what matters is the feeling”. Recently, I’ve tried to get comfortable with all of my feelings and stop pushing them away.

    If I am simply unable to connect with the reason for my jealousy/poor self-image, then what?

    in reply to: Jealousy Strategy #121988
    AMag
    Participant

    Thanks Anita and Inky.

    Anita, It’s curious that I wrote that misleading statement because as far as I know I was never lost or forgotten! But it was a recurring worry/feeling I would have (especially when my parents were late to pick me up as they often were). And to address your earlier question, I never felt ignored or unseen as a kid. Now, my life feels motionless and I often feel like a bore.

    Inky, I’ve always gone out of my way not to discuss friends with other friends. I guess I do this because I know the talk bothers me and so I can only assume that it would bother someone else in the same way (Do unto others…)

    I don’t think my childhood was perfect but there really is no reason I can come up with to explain why I’ve had such low esteem.

    Thanks for your help so far!

    in reply to: Jealousy Strategy #121920
    AMag
    Participant

    Thank you Nina and Anita for your insightful opinions and questions. I appreciate it so much!

    I have never thought about the idea of “competition” as a component for my jealousy but it does ring true. I don’t like formal competition and try to avoid it at all costs but with that said, I do compare myself to others ALL of the time which is a form of competition I suppose. And yes, I am also struggling with improving my self esteem. (Jealousy seems to be easier to address than the looming, more oppressive issue of deep insecurity (sigh) although I know they are tied together).

    Getting to the origin of this problem has been my quest. I spent a few years in talk-therapy discussing my family history unfortunately it really didn’t help. Although after a short break I went to see a cognitive therapist who had no interest in my background but instead focused on the present — with her I made great strides. Now I wonder if I need to revisit talk-therapy and sort out why I still feel so insecure.

    I’ve lacked a healthy self-confidence for as long as I can remember. My parents have told me stories about my feelings of insecurity in kindergarten although I have no memory of this. I have early memories of being lost and abandoned. My favorite stuffed animal was bloodhound that would find me if I was lost. School was difficult and in third grade I missed several months due to a illness which left me feeling sidelined and further behind. Outside of that I really have no “tangible” experience to explain my deep feelings of insecurity which is frustrating because it does not give me anything to work with. There truly is nothing outstanding in my history that can explain it – it’s weird. In fact, years ago I became obsessed with idea that I had somehow buried a memory of trauma — as an explanation for my feelings — because it just seemed too absurd that I could feel so down without any recognizable cause at all. In so many ways, I know that I am very, very fortunate person but knowing this doesn’t help to elevate me from feeling deeply flawed.

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