Brian,

When our loved ones go through loss, it has the potential to bring with it infinite patience. We see their need, and sometimes don’t know how to help, what to do, but are willing to do it, whatever it is. Our heart just blossoms outward, and our arms are ready to comfort and hold them for as long as they need. That patient space is the best thing you can bring, dear brother. Consider that if she is suicidal, then suicide is a very pertinent topic to research. However, this sounds more about grief (assuming that’s where she is at)… which is healed through sharing space and time. Said differently, its not so much about what suicide means or what is said about it, rather its about what that loss is like for her.

When I’ve shared light and space with a grieving friend, it usually takes on the shape of asking questions about what they just said. When we grieve, our emotions come out in chunks because we’re overwhelmed. “I feel down.” “Oh, what does that feel like?” We don’t have to steer, just sit with them, invite them to share until they’re bored and want to go get some burritos or whatnot. Encouraging, but letting them process in their own time, as they can and wish it.

Also, it often helps us and them when we sit and see their sorrow as a process, a tunnel with light at the end. We don’t have to offer them platitudes “you’ll be OK”, rather we know they will be OK, and so there is no cause to push them to heal faster, process better or whatnot. We can just plop down in the mud with them and look around. “So what’s here?” The connection, the kinship, brings healing with it automatically.

With warmth,
Matt

Michael,

I’m sorry for your suffering, and understand how painful and confusing lashing out can become. We intend to share light, be peaceful, but something happens and Whamo, things get weird. People start looking like enemies instead of siblings and partners, we become selfish, self serving and pokey. Its great to notice it and wish to stop it, but then how do we pair that with self acceptance? A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider that accepting ourselves does not mean trying to justify our unskillful behaviors. We simply accept what is really there, what we actually do. Yep. That’s us. When we lack self acceptance, we try to hide from it, feel ashamed of it. “I cant believe i do that” and try to make up for it. This becomes cyclic, and leads to other problems as well. Often our apologies and resitiution is unbalanced, more profuse than necessary, and we spend a whole lot of time thinking about ourselves. Whew!

Consider a different approach. When we have these eruptions of emotion, perhaps they have a reason that is not inherent. Permanence is not what we accept. Instead, its accepting that they have some cause, and we’re looking to settle that cause. Said differently, Buddha taught that the existence of the lashing out is impermanent, is not inherent, and comes from “self grasping” or the cycle of “mememe”.

But what’s the cause? Depends on the person, but the path of recovery is usually more self care. Be more nurturing to yourself, give your mind and body space to unwind and relax. Anger is like a hot coal that hurts the body, and usually means the mind is overwhelmed or overcome. Self nurturing helps to open up the space in our mind and body, rekindle our light, get rest. My favorite is metta meditation, or the practice of cultivating warm feelings. It helps the mind become smooth and peaceful, and helps us aim in a positive direction. Consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on youtube, if interested.

The visual often used in metta practice is a wide open field, where we are just planting seeds of intention. Visually, for me its like a wide field of green grass with a blue sky. Now imagine, off in the distance, a wild mare is kicking and bucking. Its odd for her, but there is space for her to settle and unwind. And she does. However, if instead of an open field, that mare was in a shopping mall, it would be quite a different affair. When the mare is galloping through the mall, it seems normal to try to grab the mare, clamp down… bite down through the anger. But really, its in bringing the mind from the mall to the field, because then the mare doesn’t erupt outward, just kicks a few times in safety and settles down.

Finally, consider a story. The other day, there were some rotten vegetables in my fridge. I smelled them in passing while on another mission, but just accepted there was something amiss. Then, when I landed again after putting out fires, helping clients, the kids and so forth, I sat and just relaxed. Accepted what had been. Immediately, the memory of the smell came up, and alongside it tension, another problem to solve, mystery to unravel. But, I was on the cushion, which is a time for relaxation, concentration. So, I accepted the future would attend that, but for now just as just a ripple. Then, when I got up off the cushion, went to the fridge, found out I had some old rotten whatnot and what have you in one of those drawers, but it was no biggie, tossed it out. Its not permanent, just notice, look, toss. It happens! Don’t let it set up more pain by feeling cruddy for having them, having them is painful enough! The veggies are stinky enough, no need to stink up the mind with lamenting. Its just Ooops, huh?, ahh, shrug, grow. We try stuff to fix up the place, but accept that its our home the whole time, even the stinky bits. After all, how else would we find them?

Namaste, friend, may you find equanimity.

With warmth,
Matt

born2flow,

I’m interested. So, those are the conditions, how’s it striking you?

With warmth,
Matt

Cody,

I can understand the lack of enthusiasm or desire to talk about certain subjects. When we spend time in quiet, open space, sometimes when people are engaged in mindless chatter, its like “We could do almost anything (anything!) with our time, and this is our best? Do I want to be engaged here? Where’s my cave?” So, we disconnect and tune out, or disconnect through judgment, or whatever. Pull back, armor up, disengage.

However, we could also engage, but just do it in our way. For me, I think of it as exploring. OK, so these two guys are really involved in a conversation about a sporting event or movie or gossiping or judging or whatever. What’s the allure for them? Why is it so entertaining? Pulling back is fine too, if you’d rather sit on a cushion (in some form), by all means. The hermit goes into the cave to detach from the allure of those stories, to find his own heartsong, his style and approach. Said differently, stillness is fine and good, but is sustained through sharing, connecting, engaging. So, don’t be afraid to just let go and play… or the bliss becomes expended, the torch going out from staying in the cave too long. 🙂

Finally, consider that sometimes it take awhile to find a group of peers that sees basically the same thing, enjoys basically the same topics as we do… especially when we dive into spiritually aimed topics when we’re young. This is normal, so be patient, explore.

With warmth,
Matt

Nicole,

I am sorry for your suffering, dear sister, and can understand the difficulty finding self worth when we’ve been abused, especially by our parents. And not just the hitting or yelling, but the absence of unconditional love. It sets us in this cycle of seeking out a value, living up to some standard, to prove we’re worthy of love, of happiness. And that’s tough to find, because the worth is inherent. Its not some balance between our successes and failures, that’s just information, just data. The worth comes from being a family, a sisterhood, a brotherhood, feeling seen, heard, known… and is something we all deserve, are worthy of, and can connect to. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider that perhaps the main issue that cycles around in the life of an abuse victim is often shame. That feeling of low value, like we don’t deserve happiness and companionship. So we hide and plan, try to come up with ways of connecting, of bringing value. Then, we present a veil to the others, an image of who we think is lovable. Sadly, because they’re showing acceptance for the veil, and not “the real you”, as we sit alone, its difficult to feel our light, and instead feel alone. Not only did we expend energy trying too hard, but we also don’t feel known.

The solution is authentic humility, or growing self acceptance. Buddha taught that we have a fundamental ignorance of how to find balance and joy, making each of our paths a stumbling and bumbling mess of a thing. That’s just something we have to come to accept, to see (in ourselves and others) and forgive. Then, when we make an error, or don’t know what to do, we shrug and give it our best.

For instance, consider your sex issue. Sex is a lot of fun, and good for stress relief and emotional intimacy. And you desire it. However, instead of just opening up and going after it, there is the fear (unworthy and undesired?) that shuts it down. So, ask yourself “am I safe?”. Do you trust him? Are your hearts connected? Stress and tiredness aside, do you feel like he honors your desires? When we know we’re safe, its easier to see that the fear must be coming from somewhere else, so we take a breath and just jump in, speak our heart to our loved one. Perhaps “I really want to have way more sex in our relationship, what do you think would help that happen?”. However he responds, be patient, listen, try to see it from his side, but be accepting that its your desire. Its normal, usual, and wonderful to have the desire for union, passion, and orgasm with our romantic partner… and if that’s sleeping in him, be willing to wake it up, grow with him, be patient as that spark rekindles. Guys are pretty simple… aim at the root. 🙂 Obviously, this is just an example, and your mileage may vary.

The point is really that you have feelings, desires, and opinions, and they are inherently valid, worth expressing and honoring. Its not selfish, or self centered… its self nurturing. It really only slides into selfishness when we ignore our needs for too long, and then become demanding, insistent, pushy. Just remember to be as patient as you can be, with him, with yourself, with others… and I’m confident you’ll find your groove pretty easy. Your light is bright. Said differently, its fine to have a heroic vision of ourselves that we look up to and try to be like (mine is a mix of Superman, Dr. MLK, and Kermit), as long as we’re not ashamed of who we actually are. Sure, we aim for greatness, but accept who we really are, normally a shade of the hero, but still a bumbling fool as well! Welcome to the party!

Finally, consider taking in some of Brene Brown’s work, especially the book Daring Greatly or her TED talks. I think she targets the very puzzle you’re wrestling with. Also, consider doing some metta meditation or yoga. Sometimes when we have a very analytical mind, we need some extra help getting back into our body… and either of those help with body awareness. “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube, or a local yoga center or whatnot.

Namaste, may you find your passion.

With warmth,
Matt

Dan,

Consider that the answers won’t actually give you anything. They won’t bring peace, they won’t make you happy, won’t give you closure or healing. They’re just another push of control… as if knowing what has happened in another’s story will make ours make sense, make us better prepared, arm us better for the war we will have to fight. As the need for war settles, so do the questions, the push inside to know all the battle lines evaporates when we see there are no lines, no cause for the war in the first place.

This is why forgiving “no matter what causes” is so potent for us. It frees us without having to know, making knowing an unnecessary component to moving on, healing, becoming peaceful with what we have done and what was done to us.

Finally, consider that no affirmation of healing we write for ourselves is perfect, because when we are smooth minded enough to write it perfectly, it is already unnecessary.

With warmth,
Matt

Anyone,

I can understand the concern about being kind, and how sometimes we fear that kindness means being passive. How do we balance being kind to others with protecting our personal space? The short answer is that being kind isn’t about doing what others ask of us, its doing what we feel is right, warm, wise. Often we think falsely that being kind is giving in to others, sacrificing our needs for theirs. This simply isn’t kind. We make a martyr of ourselves, and a beggar of the other. Said differently, when we give in to the demands of others because of their insistence, we do ourselves and them an injustice.

Cultivating authentic kindness makes our giving skillful, and allows our mind to grow our resilience to pressure from others. For instance, if my daughter was throwing a temper tantrum because she really wants to drink some poison, and tells me I am the worst dad ever for stopping her, it doesn’t budge my kindness. “Yes, wail and lament, my dear daughter, all you want, get it out, say whatever… but you may not have that.” From the space of kindness, open and warm compassion, there is plenty of space inside me to hear her words with love, not become manipulated, not become distracted from what is really needed. In this way, being kind includes appropriate action.

From a different angle, consider that allowing ourselves to be pushed around often comes from us being in a low energy state, mutable, hungry. Someone says they want us to buy them a widget, and tells us we should. If we want them to like us, give to us, if we are hungry for their approval or affection, we feel pulled to give in. When we do metta practice, our hunger is satisfied internally, so we buy them the widget or don’t buy them the widget depending on what we feel is best, what we’d like to see. For instance, my daughter likes toys. Especially these my little pony figure things. So, when we go to the store, she really feels some pull toward those. “Daddy, pleeeeeaaaassse” and so forth. If I am hungry for her affection, I might buy her the toy even if it feels wrong. If I am trying to enforce boundaries, I might deny her the toy, even when it seems right. Instead, if I remain rooted in authentic kindness, I say yes or no based on the conditions, the whole picture. From strength, from free will, from inner wisdom… yes or no, depending on what feels right to me. No pressure to perform, give in, stand up for myself, capture her love, earn affection… nothing. Just yes or no, what seems right. She might think she pushed me into caving, or perhaps she didn’t push well enough and so I didn’t cave. But that’s nothing to me, not my issue, that’s her’s. (Obviously, because she’s my daughter, there is more than a passing concern for her mental state, but as an example).

Then, what arises next is simple, satisfying. Say we buy the widget and the other laughs at us. “Ha, ha, I got you to give to me, and I won’t give anything to you.” Not a bother, we gave without expectation of being fed, we were fed from the giving, from following our heart. Instead of a feeling of being used, being unappreciated for our gift of the widget, we feel sad for the person… accepting of their delusion. Why even bother saying “I gave because I wished to, and that you spit on me now only dishonors you”… because we can just smile, let them pass by, and get on with our day. No ripples, no regret. Just doing what we want, what feels right, walking our path of joy.

Does that help?

With warmth,
Matt

Dan,

I don’t see you as an abusive person, just a brother working with others unskillfully. And, I’m not all that concerned about the others, but rather how your unskillfulness hurts you. Where negative negativity is a slippery slope into compression, tormenting mental states, and painful emotions, compassion is an upward cycle toward joyousness and contentment. Said differently, you going and punching people for gangbanging your ex is not that big of a deal, really. The big problem is that list.

You call it a list of 10 men that have done you wrong, and I call that view bullshit. That is a list of ten boulders that remain on your shoulders, sucking away your strength and joy. Consider how heavy it feels to carry all that pain around, how much pain you bring to yourself by keeping that list. Like a treasure, wrapped tightly in your arms, hoarding it, savoring it… so painful, so vibrant. When we begin healing from abuse we’ve suffered, we have to find forgiveness. However, we don’t forgive them for them, not really, we do it to unload the backpack, toss off the boulders, scrap the list. Otherwise, what happens is just like you’ve seen. The joy we have becomes tainted, shadowed. We progress, but our step is heavier, less fun, isolated. So we burn that list. Even through gritted teeth if need be, but we steer our will into it, with as much authenticity as we can muster.

Now, this doesn’t mean you’ve been in the wrong the whole time, that is an illusion to help you let go… find some humility. Of course her actions hurt… but seriously, you’re basically giving all your power to her, remaining trapped by her actions, lovers, and family. And not because of anything they do, they’re just doing what they do. Maybe she did gangbang like a madwoman while she was pregnant. How long do you want to let your hand burn for that? How long do you wish to carry her actions as a load? Why do you even bother making it about you?

Consider as an affirmation: “For whatever I did to bring about this suffering, may it settle, erode, and be gone. I forgive myself for my unskillfulness. May I be free. For whatever they did to bring about this suffering, may it settle, erode, and be gone. I forgive them for their unskillfulness. May we be free.”

Perhaps the first few times, your teeth will grit, your heart may churn… but consider keeping at it. We’re talking about your freedom here… and all the aim in the world won’t help if you don’t invest the willpower it takes to kill the cycle of negativity. Imagine, for a moment, how wonderful and freeing it would be to have a blank page, instead of one with scribbled names all over it. You could paint, draw or write whatever you want!

With warmth,
Matt