Matt,

Great name! Trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent. No where does it say “doesn’t need help”. We all need help! When I became an eagle, it was because of the efforts of many scouts and leaders teaching and reteaching. Even the project is about getting the community to help us do service.

Perhaps you could talk to a guidance counselor about your difficulty with self esteem. They are an often overlooked resource!

With Warmth,
Matt

Nick,

It is only a joke if both people are laughing. If you are getting hurt feelings, its not actually joking, its abusive (even if playfully intended) and will eventually undermine the intimacy you have with him.

If two people in love like to hit each other, on the butt for instance, it is fine thing for the intimacy to strike one another. If one likes to hit and one likes to be hit, that is fine. If one likes to hit and the other gets bruised and hurt feelings, it is not fine.

This seems like an issue with boundaries. If you have told him you do not like the cutting remarks, they hurt your feelings, and you don’t want him to do it anymore, and he continues… then it is not about being “tougher” or creating something inside you to deal with his mannerisms. It is about realizing that an intimacy that is based in mutual acceptance and respect would not look like what you have. If you wish to keep the intimacy alive, you have to set the boundaries and enforce them. Otherwise you’ll eventually lose your trust of him and look for a different partner.

Sometimes the lesson of the thornbush isn’t how to move through it without a wound, its to learn to disengage.

With warmth,
Matt

Jazz,

It is odd, because you say you cannot do things you are doing! Your post says you can’t open, but the post is open! How strange!

I think you need to confront your fear so it stops controlling your decisions. It isn’t “I can’t take a big problem and ask for help” it is “I am afraid to ask for help.” We are all afraid of asking for help, and those of us who genuinely heal are the ones who ask anyway. You already did, so no more excuses why you can’t! 🙂

Ticht Naht Hahn says that when we are suffering, it is difficult to say to our loved ones “I am suffering, please help.” It is difficult to be so vulnerable and open. However, it is within that vulnerability that we find the strength and community that helps us to heal. When we open, we find that we are not alone, and people have been through similar difficulties and are more than willing to share the innovations that help us.

Part of the courage to open is accepting that not all people will open back. It has nothing to do with you, it is just them and where they are. If you put your self out there and are rejected, don’t give up, just move on. I have found so many people who open back, I know that if we keep jumping, trusting, learning, we will eventually fly.

With warmth,
Matt

Pat,

Sometimes when we are in chronic pain, we can become absorbed by “our side” of the situation. As you said, it is difficult for you to do certain activities, which is just how it is.

Consider that perhaps the responses you receive from your family are unskillful, but motivated by genuine love and warm feelings. If they had not cared, they would not have lashed out. Instead, it sounds like their feelings were hurt, they felt unimportant to you, and in their pain said things that hurt your feelings. Now, when your sister wants to let go and move on(“pretend nothing happened”), you wish to club her in the heart by telling her that her words were cruel, mean, and so on.

What that really says is “I do not accept your feelings and the way you acted on those feelings.” It is like passing the hot potato of anger between you and her, right now you feel stuck with it and want to get rid of it by throwing it at your sister. Consider that it is OK to just set it down and forgive her without needing to tell her that her words were unacceptable.

Were I to have that conversation (and I have had to have it plenty of times before) I would tell her that family is very important to me. I was sorry for all of the causes of me not being at the party, and all of the effects of my not being there. Then, I would say that I understand why my sister would lash out like that, because it is painful when we feel unloved or unsupported. Then I would assure her that it is the furthest thing from the truth, and that the connection to her was so important it had tied me up on knots, and how beautiful it is to be connecting with my sister again.

Can you forgive them for feeling hurt and doing things like ignoring you or judging you as they healed that hurt? Do you HAVE to make it about you? Can you let go without trying to punish her for the feelings of hurt you felt? Your heart seems strong and bright to me, and I am confident you can put the anger down and love them without reserve. Let go! Its done, gone, past!

With warmth,
Matt

• This reply was modified 10 years, 9 months ago by Matt.

Lara,

It is a sad but necessary lesson to learn. Jack Johnson sings a song Sitting Waiting Wishing, and in it says “I aint the Lord, no I’m just a fool, learning loving somebody don’t make them love you.” People have walls until they have the courage to drop them. There is nothing we can do to break those walls for them, we have to wait for them to step up.

The good news is you can turn that romantic spirit inward and dream a dream for yourself. Forgiving yourself, keeping your heart open, finding peace… those desires inside are genuine and can guide you into a relationship that becomes the love of your life… with yourself! From developing self love, we are content alone. Then a lover or husband is icing on the cake, rather than filling the hole.

In regards to the wall, don’t be afraid of it! We can think of it as armor, where years of emotional, psychological, and physical abuse helped us become resilient and strong. Yet, you have the courage to set down the armor and bear your heart and flesh when you know you’re safe. You’re not “damaged and broken”, rather “strong and courageous”.

The question to ask ourselves is “how long do I keep doing things that I see only hurt myself”… we think it is our destiny to have to push through something thick and terrible in order to be happy. However, happiness is only a few breaths away… whether it is 10,000 breaths or 10 depends on how stubbornly we are set in the old way.

Consider that you might be afraid to trust your heart, because look where it landed you in the past! But your heart is learning to stop loving the dream of the other and looking clearer at what is there. Your heart knows, and wouldn’t lead you back into an abusive situation. Your mind might, saying “this is better than being alone” or “maybe they will change” but then your heart is too busy loving the dream to advise you to move on. We dream, we crash, we learn and hopefully move on wiser and more in tune with our inner beauty.

In Buddhism it is said that a breakdown plus awareness is breakthrough. Said differently, when we decide we will look at our side of things and how we are creating or maintaining the conditions for our painful experiences, we blossom. Remember, the wall is only armor, and it is a fine thing to put it on when we are in a difficult environment. We just don’t keep it on when there is no need, because the armor feels icky and isolating compared to the genuine connection we share with other open people (such as trusted friends, spiritual community and so forth)

With warmth,
Matt

What a great question! Ruminating thoughts vs feeling the emotions… how does one accept the truth of what is going on without getting sucked into spinning and spinning?

Emotions are in the body, thoughts in the mind. If you use your emotion as a meditation object the emotions and thoughts settle. It is not like “I will think of my thesis and feel the emotions” like a progressive desensitization in therapy. It is “how does my body feel right now, in this moment?” The thoughts will come up and distract your awareness away from the body and back into the mind. When that happens, just say to yourself “yes mind, thank you for being powerful, but now is a time to settle.” And move your attention back to the feelings in the body. Just breathe, notice the fluttering the the chest, and keep moving the attention back when it strays.

If it is especially powerful, imagine holding the emotion in your arms like you would a newborn baby… as a delicate thing needing your care. “Yes, my fear/anxiety/anger, here you are with me, let me soothe your crying.”

Zagadka,

Its great to hear you have been doing mindful practices and exploring Buddhist ideas.

Stress is difficult for all of us, and can be daunting to try to settle. From your description, it seems that you might be experiencing a type of compression. Before one stressor is managed, another arrives, then another. Soon, we are ready to pop at even little things, such as the phone ringing or our couch getting in our way.

Consider doing something ridiculous to get your energy moving again. Stand in front of a mirror, wave your arms, jiggle your body, yell nonsense. The motion and yelling will provide cathartic release, and watching yourself act goofy will help you stop taking things so seriously. If its difficult in a mirror, perhaps in bed screaming into a pillow and flailing around.

When you’ve had your rhythm, you remember how easily things fell into place? Consider that part of that rhythm is the playfulness you have, which is difficult when we are under a mountain.

With warmth,
Matt

Tera,

What a great question! On one hand, we wish to protect our delicate heart, and on the other, we wish to connect to others who sometimes get under our skin. So, what do we do?

There are a couple things to resolve before the real practice. The first is that a healthy mind doesn’t do those things, and so your mom has some ick in there. You know how it feels when your mom is saying things to you? She lives in that mind, imagine how painful it becomes!

Instead of looking at it as “my mom does such and such to me”, you might be of a view that can say “look at how my mom’s actions and words hurt both of us.” When we express boundaries to people who expect us to suffer for them, they sometimes send out hooks that dig into our mind. “Goodbye mom” is met with “if you loved me, you wouldn’t hang up” or “I don’t like it when you say those things to me” is met with “you’re just ignorant of what its really like in the world” and so on. The trick is not in trying to control what they say, but in dealing with the agitation in our mind that grabs us as we hear the words.

The practice which can help silence the agitation which comes up as you connect with your mom is called Metta or loving-kindness practice. After a meditative exercise (such as breathing, yoga, etc) picture something or someone which inspires warmth of heart. Kittens, children playing, trusted friends… whatever makes your heart sigh and open. Just imagine them playing or dancing or whatever, and imagine your heart giving them all that warmth. “I see you kittens, and wish the beauty and warmth in my heart would surround you.” When the warmth is vibrant, you can switch the picture to your mom as a child, playing with a doll or truck or dancing to some music. “I’m so sorry that as you grow up you’ll have such a pained mind, I wish you could dance forever.”

This can erode the habit of becoming agitated with your mom, but helps with agitation in general very well. If and when the agitation arrives, just say to yourself “yep, this is agitation. My mom’s verbal hooks grabbed me again, so now this feeling is here.”

With warmth,
Matt