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My relationship controls my life

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  • #37513
    SerCay
    Participant

    It’s like an obsession and I’m so ashamed of myself.

    I met my boyfriend 5 years ago. We dated casually but nothing really came out of it. Yet I was always occupied with him in my mind. As if there’s no other guy or no other person in the world, I’d be thinking about him night and day and live for the moments he’s contact me. Which would be like once a month but then really briefly just hi how’s going kinda thing.

    Fast forward, after 2 years of casual dating and not getting to know each other, I put him to an ultimatum. We started seeing each other and we became a couple. However, now that I look back, I feel I forced it…he didn’t want to lose me so he came along, but I know that it shouldn’t start that way, it just doesn’t feel right in my gut. Especially knowing how our relationship continued.

    After seeing each other for a couple of months I noticed he was very secretive over his phone and other girls were calling him. I was also speaking to my male friends so I didn’t make a big deal out of it. Then there were the other things…to make a long story short lets fast forward 3 years

    I can say that over the past 3 years, our love has grown a lot and I cant imagine myself feeling more at ease and able to b myself than i do around him and nowadays he’ll do anything for me, but over the past 3 years also a lot of bad things happened which made me realise he isn’t a person I could be happy with the rest of my life.

    He’s an extreme commitment phobe and runs off whenever things get too close, it’s a 3 steps forward, 2 steps back kind of relationship.
    It’s never stable..when it’s stable for a month, we will have a fight and he wont be able to get past his anger and just go on where we left. He’ll have to leave and tell me we re not compatible and we shouldnt be together.

    Before, I used to get all upset but now, after 3 years of this im so used to it that it just doesnt hurt me anymore. I know how this will end..either 1 of us is going to fall in love with another, or he’s gonna cheat again and i’m going to have my reason to leave forever.

    I know he loves me with all he’s got. He tells me so and it shows in his behaviour, but he just can’t get past his fears and his grudges towards me, he holds on to them forever and finds them reason enough to take his ocassional break from me every 1 or 2 months. I know I cant live a life like this even though ive gotten used to this.
    I know I can be happier with someone else, who will WANT to be with me every night and live with me ater 3 years.

    BUT Why is it that I keep thinking that i’ll never find anyone as attractive, smart, and compatible as him? Why is it that I think I will never ever find this connection we share again?? Why is it that I completely isolated myself from anything else than him for the last 5 years and I now cant see a way out anymore?

    The only time I have fun is when I do something with him, when I’m with friends, I want to leave asap…and imagine this has been like this for 5 years already.
    I’m obsessed with a toxic man and a toxic relationship and I can’t get out..

    I’ve tried a million times and people dont take me seriously any longer, my friends dont want to hear about it, because they kno eventually we get back together..

    What is wrong with me 🙁

    I lost many friendships and social contacts because I isolated myself because of stress and fear…what is it that im so afraid of? and why am i sooo so scared to be completely and utterly alone? Why cant I let go of him, and better yet, why do I keep loving him, and being in love with him? Why is he the only source of my joy??

    Gosh I’m a mess…Sorry guys, very long, but I’m just getting sick of myself…
    I’m 26 now and I have been going on like this since i as 21…

    #37514
    John
    Participant

    Have you spoken to a professional about this?

    Would any of these symptoms characterize your relationship? http://psychcentral.com/lib/2012/symptoms-of-codependency/

    #37515
    Stephanie
    Participant

    I know how you feel. I am in the same boat but it has gotten better. Every story is different, what I can tell you is you are co-dependent. If you can you should see a therapist or read this book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. You are not alone and you are not crazy. Our lives have gotten out of hand and it’s like falling into a hole once your in its hard to get out. Have Faith and just know whatever happens in your relationship with or without him… YOU WILL BE OKAY. YOU ARE WORTH IT!

    #37516
    Todd Brown
    Participant

    You need out of this relationship.
    I have been in the same situation as you. If it is any relief and I know when you are hurting it is not much but, Time will heal you. Somebody once told me it takes you half the time to get over someone as you have been in love with them. I don’t know if that is true but please know you will get through this and learn from it. I did and so will you. Hang in there.

    #37517
    SerCay
    Participant

    Hi John,
    I am absoltely a co dependent, I’ve knwn this for a long time. I tried to heal myself but obviously it didnt work..There’s a lot of childhood issues I need to address..
    The country where I live isnt so big on therapy..

    I went to a professional and they tried to send me to a quarter life crisis group meeting so I quit.
    But I’m going to try again and see if i can find someone that is specialized in this area..I drive myself crazy thinking I will be in love with a man that is giving me all he’s got but not enough.

    I notice that I dont know my own worth..

    #37518
    SerCay
    Participant

    How has it gotten better? feels so good to hear that others have been through the same..
    I just hope my cycles will stop.

    I read a book about love addiction but it wasnt really able to help me out, Im going to try the book about co dependency

    #37520
    SerCay
    Participant

    How long were you in and how did you get out?

    And the most important question, how did you fill that ever going void in your life..

    Im at a point, where if my boyfriend is nt my boyfriend because we’re on a break or something, I literally have NOTHING to do with NO ONE.

    Not that I cant force myself..but like i said, I dont enjoy anything with any other person

    ughh

    #37522
    Laleh
    Participant

    Hi dear,
    Ok, I am just going to say this out loud and hope you think about it. I do not think you are in love with him. I do think that you are in love with the memory and the impression you had from him when you met him. I have been in a similar kinda situation before, but didn’t esculate this far. I read between your words that you do know what you want and you do know what to do, you are just not strong enough to do it.

    You are not in love with him, you are addicted to him. It is exactly like being addicted to alcohol, imagine it. An alcoholic can not think about anything other than alcohol until they have it. Do you really feel JOY when you are with him? Pay attention next time and see even when things are ok, do you feel peace? Do you feel joy in your heart, or you just feel ok I can breathe now and you are just ok.

    You are coming to the point that you have realized your problem and you know yourself pretty well as well, which is great. And asking others over and over to what to do might just take you around circles. I do not believe that you have to pass certain time to get over someone either. Sometimes you just read something, or hear something, and right there, you feel lighter.

    So, you are still quite young, and seem like you have learned this past five years. So I don’t think you are as weak as you were 5 years ago when you couldn’t let him go.
    You just need to find something that really shakes you off of him, and opens your eyes. I am sorry hunny but no matter what you say, I don’t think this guy is in love with you.

    He might think he loves you, I am not sure, but when a guy meets his ONE he wont see anything else around him, his world evovllves around that girl. It’s different with us girls, we have agendas, we get obsessed.

    I think you already knew your answer before you wrote this, and you are looking for some help to pump up your strenght break this pattern of yours. The fear of not being able to find anyone like him is useless, because you do not have him right now. Are you happy? no, then do you prefer this to being alone and like yourself and have self respect ? Would like to be left alone in the house with two kids, and wonder where your husband is late at night? Imagine that, and be happy that you are not gonna be part of that community of women that MAKE a guy to marry then, only to be left alone with kids. It is a lot harder to find dates with kids I think.

    You do know how it should have started from the beginning as you said. Go deep and see what your heart is telling you. Until you find your own worth, a guy will not find it for you. I have learned this lesson in a hard way.

    can recommend so many books to you to help, but one that comes to mind when made me learn how to make decisions from love and not fear, is RETURN TO LOVE, by Marian Williamson. Read it, you will know what to do after.

    Make your decision out of love, faith, and not fear. No good comes out of fear.

    Hope this helps. I am here for more strength if oyu needed .

    Love
    Danubelle
    http://www.danubelle.com

    #37523
    Laleh
    Participant

    I just read your last message about being on a break with him. This is another chance universe is giving you to go to the next level of strength. Use it. Treat him as an addiction, because you are addicted. So try to quit. I do believe as soon as you break him off of your daily routine, you get ot the next level of cut him off. 21 days usually takes to get use to a new schedule. SO without expecting too much of yourself, give yourself 21 days that you are not allowed to talk to him, or check up on him, or think about him more than an hour a day. When your hour is up, try to find something that gives you pleasure, just by yourself, you don’t need to be around people. Just what activities you use to do that gave you joy before? Maybe before you met him. Start from here, and stop talking about him altogether with your friends or anyone. Write something down and leave it at that and throw it in the garbage. See this as your new beginning, you might feel excited. What I did was, I have banned myself from dating until I absolutely love myself and my life. The I can let a guy to be cherry on top of it.
    Let me know how you’re doing. 🙂
    Love
    Danubelle

    #37552
    SerCay
    Participant

    Hi Danubelle,

    Thanks so much for taking the time to reply.
    A looot of the things you say are actually true…

    I’ve asked him a lot of times why he is persistent on being with me when he creates so many problems about my personality, my behaviour etc.
    It’s like he doesnt like me as a person. So when i ask him, he says: because I love you.
    I dont buy this. He has a fundamental problem with me and my character.
    Eg.: he wakes up every morning, literally angry with me. Then leaves and has to cool down a couple hours before everything is alright.

    Yet, when we break up, he is always the one to initiate contact. Of course I let myself be reeled in as well, but I would never initiate.

    There were things about him I didnt like, ive nagged him about this behaviour many times. Eventually I let it go and started doing the same thing because it’s pretty convenient to me too, I just wasnt doing it because I know it’d hurt his feelings. And now he’s all upset and angry and tells me why am I doing the things I nagged him about.

    God, he always finds things to go on and on about for hours about how bad I am and how much I nagged and how curious I am and how he feels he can’t be himself around me, so I say, ok then leaveee and we will both be liberated, but no. He doesnt.

    I’m gonna once again dig deep into the self help books and I hope that this time I will have the strength to let go forever..I’ve said this many times but he’s just unwilling to put an effort and compromise, keeps nagging and then expects me to take it ”like a man”.

    You’re saying that I’m prbably not in love with him, no I think not, you’re right, but I do think there’s something wrong wired in my brain making me think that I will never find love again. I guess that’s part of the co-dependency issues. And also, I hate the loneliness. I hate it to have connections to people that know me shallowly on daily basis only. That’s also a part of me I need to work on.

    #37553
    Matt
    Participant

    I wonder, what do you do to nurture yourself? Anything? Do you know what that even means? When I was first recovering from codependency, being alone was scary because I didn’t like myself very much. Heck, I didn’t know myself very much, so how could I like myself!

    I think self help books and meetings can certainly help, and reading and going can allow us to find an authentic love for who we are. Its not enough, though, we have to get out of our head and learn that we are lovable.

    Consider going somewhere, telling no-one, and explore. A park, Walmart, a library… somewhere no one gave you permission or acceptance. Don’t tell him, or us, or anyone… where you go and what you do or see. It is just for you.

    When it is just you, your secret, your connection to the world, what do you see? What do you like?

    With warmth,
    Matt

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 4 months ago by Matt.
    #37558
    SerCay
    Participant

    Hi Matt,

    Nurture myself? I used to believe that the ocassional manicure, pedicure and massage, dressing well being well groomed, workng out fro time to time was meant with nurturing oneselve. Lately I realised that’s just what I do to keep myself looking good for me, but also, largely for other people including my bf.

    So no, I have no idea what nurturing is..Also on my list of finding out.

    I’m definitely going to try the thing you say..going somewhere no one know I’ve been to and then see what I feel for myself.
    Sounds like a good idea to start being able to be alone and enjoying it.

    How did you manage to recover?

    #37563
    Matt
    Participant

    By doing exactly what you are doing already! Asking questions to people I trusted (or complete strangers! 🙂 ) and trying out what they said to do. If it worked, I would abandon the old ways. If the tower is burning, it might be scary to jump, but we jump anyway because the old way is too painful.

    For self nurturing, I give my love and attention to my body parts. “Hello left foot, you are a good foot and I love you. Thank you for carrying my weight. Hello right eye, you are a good eye, and I love you. Thank you for your part in helping me see. Hello bottom, I’m sorry for being disappointed in your shape, and I love you. Thank you for protecting my tail bone as I sit.” It is easier to start with physical parts (rather than abstract things like love, curiosity, motivation etc). You deserve love, and you deserve your love!

    The problem with Mani/peddi/etc is that a codependent can easily twist it into nurturing others. Ever get angry that he didn’t notice/appreciate your toes after a pedicure? Maybe it was acceptance seeking then? If you saw your toes as amazingly beautiful, and he didn’t, you would only shrug at his inability to see something you know is pretty. From there its pretty easy to move on and look for a connection with someone who sees the same beauty you do.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #37573
    Laia
    Participant

    I had to reply to your message… I have been in a similar relationship for two years..I was obsessed with this man… I have never felt such a connection..i honestly thought he was my soul mate.. however he sounds very similar to your partner… he lied to me.. and he was unavailable on so many levels.. my friends and family all were against me being with him.. He didn’t treat me with respect and we broke up a number of times… I would never get in contact and after a few weeks or months I would get a phone call and lots of sweet words exactly what I wanted to hear.. then the whole pull started again.. only for me to be pushed away, ignored and lied to again…

    I broke up with him this week… I have blocked him from calling me… And you know what it was easier than I thought it would be… I am upset…But my heart has been shredded by this guy.. every time it hurt a little less because I loved and trusted him a little less.. I realised it was the constant rejection that had the power over me.. and that he had total power over me..I know it will be difficult over the next few months. .But I was suffering so much with him.. That’s not love..

    What I am trying to say is my beautiful lady… you are stronger than you think…. and you deserve a man who loves you… who treats you with respect.. who makes you feel safe and who makes you smile when you wake up…

    This web site has so many wonderful people who will support and listen to you…

    I listen to guided meditations on youtube and am trying to control my thoughts by repeating affirmations to myself especially when my mind focuses on him to much.. I wrote an action plan of how to break up…and what exactly I had to do..

    the 21 day idea by Danubelle is great to… Do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself.. You sound like a really wonderful person and for whatever reason this guy has a hold on you… It is not love if you are suffering…

    I wish you well my friend….

    And between you and me I felt good to finally say no more… I am hurting of course… In fact I cried reading your post…. But I feel a strength in me and I am proud of myself for loving myself enough to free myself of this toxic relationship..

    #37575
    SerCay
    Participant

    Wow… Im just speechless.

    The first alinea is the story of my life….about the connection, my fam and friend being against him, no respect,
    Word for word…exactly like that. push pull, run chase, cat mouse, 3 steps forward, 2 steps back.

    Like you, I never initiate contact, yet I always get dumped.

    Im so proud of you for doing what you did. I tried it many times before.

    Right now I acknowledged my co dependency and I decided working on that. So instead of going cold turkey in my mind, I told myself, just not to think of him for a while. Its me time. I told him I needed a break to think about who I am and what I want. But secretly I already know i dont want him back.

    Im just scared to say so because Ive said so many other times,

    But I have to keeo trying and eventually I will succeed. I will overcome this codependency and I will walk away.

    I hate to hear youre going through this, but on the other hand im relieved im not the only one…Please keep me updated on how you re doing

    Hugs..

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