I know how you feel. I am in the same boat but it has gotten better. Every story is different, what I can tell you is you are co-dependent. If you can you should see a therapist or read this book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. You are not alone and you are not crazy. Our lives have gotten out of hand and it’s like falling into a hole once your in its hard to get out. Have Faith and just know whatever happens in your relationship with or without him… YOU WILL BE OKAY. YOU ARE WORTH IT!