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SerCay

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  • #39988

    SerCay
    Participant

    Hi John,

    No I’ve been with him for almost 3 years now, I worked in the co-dependency apart from my relationship….

    The thing is, I NEVER physically need him, and then when I do once in a blue moon I get pissed he is so unavailable..

    I totally get what you’re saying, but it’s so annoying to be with someone that is more UNavailable than he is available

    He makes me doubt my common sense

    #37757

    SerCay
    Participant

    Hi Tinydancer,

    I’m very sorry for the way you feel.

    I absolutely relate to how you feel because I have childhood abandonment issues myself.
    My dad was a sick person, trying to cheat all the time and my mom and him fought a lot.

    The constant tension in the house, raised me to have no emotional connection to my parents whatsoever, even though they love me to bits.

    I have grow up to be a person struggling with school, carreer, friendships, love life (I too always find men that are bad for me), codependency (found that out on this site), and most important: lack of self esteem and self love.

    At first I thought, come one, it doesnt make sense, i do love myself! I think Im pretty! But after research and realization I noticed that I loved myself in a shallow way.
    I constantly let the outside determine how I feel about myself. There we have the problem.

    Try to realize that you need to find ways to start loving you..you don’t need validation from guys you meet who dont show any interest. Once you have reached the point to be validating yourself and loving yourself, you will also find that it doesnt bother you that much how people think of you. It lingers in your head now every time such a thing happens, because you have not yet reached the point where you can console yourself because you dont love yourself yet.

    You ARE loveable and a wonderful person. A lot of us who have been raised in bad families grow up to be very sweet, empathatic and caring people.
    Use your qualities on yourself.

    I know I’m trying to get there and I know I will one day, and so will you.

    Maybe one day you will be truly able to forgive your dad and see him for the persn he is, and not the person who has hurt you. I have..
    I love him but I will never understand him, I now accept that his brain is wired differently than I find normal and I am in peace with that…
    Sto critisizing yourself for having the typical traits of someone with such a youth, it’s not your fault, you will get over this.
    It means a lot already that you have realized what the problem is. I believe you have come half way by realizing.

    so yes yes yes the answer is within you.

    Stay strong and please see that life is beautiful and you are wonderful and loveable
    Hugs

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 4 months ago by  SerCay.
    #37651

    SerCay
    Participant

    Thank you for this insight Danny, thanks for the kind words.
    I’m confident I will manage to become like you are now, completely at peace being single.
    First of course I have to deal with my codependency issues and detach from my ex boyfriend.
    I think for now this will keep me busy.

    It sounds like a good explanation that you woke up angry because you actually didnt want to be there!
    My ex, he is an avoidant personality. It doesn’t matter to him if we sleep apart or together, like I said he’s an extreme commitmentphobe so the times he sleeps with me is because he wants to…That way waing up angry because he doesnt want to be there, but his codependency makes him to be there doesnt really apply to him.

    I have in fact in the past always resented him for being able to stay apart for days in row.

    Stay strong and we will all get there!

    Hugs,
    Sercay

    #37597

    SerCay
    Participant

    Thanks a lot guys, all of you.

    Your advices have helped me.

    I now started reading Codependent no more by Melody Beattie and I just can’t put it down.
    Been reading all day.

    A weird sense of calm came to me actually since announcing to my bf I wanted time for myself to figure me out and since starting to read the book.
    Just hope it stays and grows and I’m definitely working on it to do so.
    It’s been a long time since I’ve been in this calm state of mind WITHOUT having him by my side or in my life.

    🙂

    #37594

    SerCay
    Participant

    Ahh Danubelle I’m sorry I hadn’t read your last post and just instinctively reacted on the original post..
    It wasn’t my intention to poor negative energie onto here.

    I think you are a very strong and forgiving person reading from your last posts which I have now read, that’s something truly admirable.
    It appears you have found your peace of mind and I don’t think it will take you long to accept and get the closure from within you need.
    It’s always said that true closure comes from within..I believe that to be true.

    On the other hand I don’t believe that the question of why will totally disappear, you will, and have already by what I read, accept the events to be for a bigger purpose.
    Sometimes things happen to us just for something better to happen to us afterwards. (I know it doesnt sounds very credible from the point I am at now, but still I do believe that everything happens for a reason).

    Hugs,
    Sercay

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 4 months ago by  SerCay.
    • This reply was modified 6 years, 4 months ago by  SerCay.
    #37576

    SerCay
    Participant

    AAh feels god to hear it worked for you to do what ive been doing. Gives me hope for myself.

    About the mani and pedis…tbh he would have some colors and some style being his favourite, and I would be wearing that constantly, because I thought its normal to do and wear what your boyfriend likes…

    Now i feel like I had no own soul for always using colors he wanted and never going without nailpaint because he doesnt like natural nail color…see how far it had gotten…

    #37577

    SerCay
    Participant

    AAh feels god to hear it worked for you to do what ive been doing. Gives me hope for myself.

    About the mani and pedis…tbh he would have some colors and some style being his favourite, and I would be wearing that constantly, because I thought its normal to do and wear what your boyfriend likes…

    Now i feel like I had no own soul for always using colors he wanted and never going without nailpaint because he doesnt like natural nail color…see how far it had gotten…

    #37575

    SerCay
    Participant

    Wow… Im just speechless.

    The first alinea is the story of my life….about the connection, my fam and friend being against him, no respect,
    Word for word…exactly like that. push pull, run chase, cat mouse, 3 steps forward, 2 steps back.

    Like you, I never initiate contact, yet I always get dumped.

    Im so proud of you for doing what you did. I tried it many times before.

    Right now I acknowledged my co dependency and I decided working on that. So instead of going cold turkey in my mind, I told myself, just not to think of him for a while. Its me time. I told him I needed a break to think about who I am and what I want. But secretly I already know i dont want him back.

    Im just scared to say so because Ive said so many other times,

    But I have to keeo trying and eventually I will succeed. I will overcome this codependency and I will walk away.

    I hate to hear youre going through this, but on the other hand im relieved im not the only one…Please keep me updated on how you re doing

    Hugs..

    #37561

    SerCay
    Participant

    Hi Danubelle,

    I think you deserve an explanation.
    I think that whatever the reason is, you have the right to know since it was the 2 of you in a relationship.

    I just dont know if theres a wa of contacting him to which he would actually respond.
    As long as you let him know it’s not getting back together you’re interested in, but knowing what the reason of his disappearance was, I think yu have every right to ask him until he gives you the answer. But I might be a bit rigid on this.

    I just dont believe people have the right to screw up anothers emotions and just walk out…

    #37558

    SerCay
    Participant

    Hi Matt,

    Nurture myself? I used to believe that the ocassional manicure, pedicure and massage, dressing well being well groomed, workng out fro time to time was meant with nurturing oneselve. Lately I realised that’s just what I do to keep myself looking good for me, but also, largely for other people including my bf.

    So no, I have no idea what nurturing is..Also on my list of finding out.

    I’m definitely going to try the thing you say..going somewhere no one know I’ve been to and then see what I feel for myself.
    Sounds like a good idea to start being able to be alone and enjoying it.

    How did you manage to recover?

    #37552

    SerCay
    Participant

    Hi Danubelle,

    Thanks so much for taking the time to reply.
    A looot of the things you say are actually true…

    I’ve asked him a lot of times why he is persistent on being with me when he creates so many problems about my personality, my behaviour etc.
    It’s like he doesnt like me as a person. So when i ask him, he says: because I love you.
    I dont buy this. He has a fundamental problem with me and my character.
    Eg.: he wakes up every morning, literally angry with me. Then leaves and has to cool down a couple hours before everything is alright.

    Yet, when we break up, he is always the one to initiate contact. Of course I let myself be reeled in as well, but I would never initiate.

    There were things about him I didnt like, ive nagged him about this behaviour many times. Eventually I let it go and started doing the same thing because it’s pretty convenient to me too, I just wasnt doing it because I know it’d hurt his feelings. And now he’s all upset and angry and tells me why am I doing the things I nagged him about.

    God, he always finds things to go on and on about for hours about how bad I am and how much I nagged and how curious I am and how he feels he can’t be himself around me, so I say, ok then leaveee and we will both be liberated, but no. He doesnt.

    I’m gonna once again dig deep into the self help books and I hope that this time I will have the strength to let go forever..I’ve said this many times but he’s just unwilling to put an effort and compromise, keeps nagging and then expects me to take it ”like a man”.

    You’re saying that I’m prbably not in love with him, no I think not, you’re right, but I do think there’s something wrong wired in my brain making me think that I will never find love again. I guess that’s part of the co-dependency issues. And also, I hate the loneliness. I hate it to have connections to people that know me shallowly on daily basis only. That’s also a part of me I need to work on.

    #37520

    SerCay
    Participant

    How long were you in and how did you get out?

    And the most important question, how did you fill that ever going void in your life..

    Im at a point, where if my boyfriend is nt my boyfriend because we’re on a break or something, I literally have NOTHING to do with NO ONE.

    Not that I cant force myself..but like i said, I dont enjoy anything with any other person

    ughh

    #37518

    SerCay
    Participant

    How has it gotten better? feels so good to hear that others have been through the same..
    I just hope my cycles will stop.

    I read a book about love addiction but it wasnt really able to help me out, Im going to try the book about co dependency

    #37517

    SerCay
    Participant

    Hi John,
    I am absoltely a co dependent, I’ve knwn this for a long time. I tried to heal myself but obviously it didnt work..There’s a lot of childhood issues I need to address..
    The country where I live isnt so big on therapy..

    I went to a professional and they tried to send me to a quarter life crisis group meeting so I quit.
    But I’m going to try again and see if i can find someone that is specialized in this area..I drive myself crazy thinking I will be in love with a man that is giving me all he’s got but not enough.

    I notice that I dont know my own worth..

Viewing 14 posts - 1 through 14 (of 14 total)