Home→Forums→Tough Times→When several hits come at once
- This topic has 6 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 10 years, 9 months ago by
carole.
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June 28, 2013 at 9:36 am #37555
ZagadkaParticipantHello,
I don’t think I’ve ever posted on an internet forum but I’ve found some of the articles here useful so I thought I’d give it a shot as I’d appreciate any advice. I’ve recently come to mindfulness/buddhism and found it very comforting but I could do with a few tips as to how to get through a bit of a tough patch.
So, here’s the story. In December, my partner of 3.5 years, and my first real relationship, whom I’d supported extensively emotionally throughout her PhD, dumped me. Less than a month later, she’s going out with a friend. I, meanwhile, got news that I have more work to do than I intended for my PhD, in March. Nothing dreadful, but more than I was expecting. Anyhow, I ploughed on through, and a couple of months ago I just broke down. Felt really burned out. I’ve taken a couple of months off but I still feel like the sword of Damocles is swinging above my head. It’s pretty hard to be mindful when the recent past has been awful and the near future requires me to finish a thesis.
I’ve tried mindfulness, counselling, positive thinking, engaging with my emotions (difficult, am British) and I’m just narked that it’s such a slog. I want to be better, get the thesis done, and get on with my life. I think I could have dealt with each even separately. If I was in a good mood, I could wrap up the thesis but I dwell on the past and worry about the writing up. Not very mindful. I know this isn’t all bad, and I’ll come out of it a better person. But right now, it’s very hard and I’m trying very hard to be mindful and not so engaged but it’s hard to fix the habit of a life time. Any advice? thanks.
June 28, 2013 at 10:33 am #37560
HurtoneParticipantHang on there My Friend..! Its hard but its the only way. I m going through similar situation, and my ex is hell bent on emotionally abuse me, but I know I have to deal with it. I try to focus on my life, I wont give her power to ruin whatever is left in my life. we don’t know our strength till being strong is the only way left…! You have all the power you need, don’t let her ruin your thesis, finish it. Good Luck.
June 28, 2013 at 1:22 pm #37566
Marilyn Briant-RockmoreParticipantSorry to hear that you are going through such a difficult time. I know it is hard to find the positive in any of it, but I think its wonderful that you are pursuing spirituality and I am sure your soul-self will find a way of helping you get through this. I think its hard to focus on being positive when you are upset and angry about things…and moods are dictated by emotions. I wonder if you can just accept the way you feel right now and not expect it to be different? I have found it a great help to remind myself that “this too shall pass.”
Perhaps too you can take a short break – take yourself away somewhere peaceful and beautiful and drink in the beauty that surrounds you…If that’s not possible, just listening to peaceful music helps soothe the soul…Even meditating and taking yourself to a beautiful place in your mind can help…You may find that if you do this, the desire to forgive your girlfriend and move on will come up.
Love and peace,
Marilyn
June 28, 2013 at 2:20 pm #37570
MattParticipantZagadka,
Its great to hear you have been doing mindful practices and exploring Buddhist ideas.
Stress is difficult for all of us, and can be daunting to try to settle. From your description, it seems that you might be experiencing a type of compression. Before one stressor is managed, another arrives, then another. Soon, we are ready to pop at even little things, such as the phone ringing or our couch getting in our way.
Consider doing something ridiculous to get your energy moving again. Stand in front of a mirror, wave your arms, jiggle your body, yell nonsense. The motion and yelling will provide cathartic release, and watching yourself act goofy will help you stop taking things so seriously. If its difficult in a mirror, perhaps in bed screaming into a pillow and flailing around.
When you’ve had your rhythm, you remember how easily things fell into place? Consider that part of that rhythm is the playfulness you have, which is difficult when we are under a mountain.
With warmth,
MattJune 28, 2013 at 3:29 pm #37574ZagadkaParticipantThanks guys, I really appreciate it. My counsellor put it thus, ‘So, you’re getting over a break up,’ ‘Yes,’ ‘and you’re trying to finish your PhD at the same time,’ ‘Yes, ‘and you’re also going through an existential crisis at the same time’ ‘That about sums it up!’ At least I’ve turned to mindfulness and Buddhism which helps with the latter! It really means a lot to me that there are truly nice people in the world.
I’m definitely trying to accept what’s going on. In fact, I can see that I’ve been fairly out of touch with my emotions for a long time, so all this will be good for me in the long run. I was wondering, how one navigates the difficult line between ruminating and feeling emotions? I’ve been trying to do the latter, without getting caught up in the story, but it’s quite tricky, and when one does, that leads to a worsening of the mood.
Many thanks again. I’m going on retreat soon which should be good!
June 28, 2013 at 4:23 pm #37579MattParticipantWhat a great question! Ruminating thoughts vs feeling the emotions… how does one accept the truth of what is going on without getting sucked into spinning and spinning?
Emotions are in the body, thoughts in the mind. If you use your emotion as a meditation object the emotions and thoughts settle. It is not like “I will think of my thesis and feel the emotions” like a progressive desensitization in therapy. It is “how does my body feel right now, in this moment?” The thoughts will come up and distract your awareness away from the body and back into the mind. When that happens, just say to yourself “yes mind, thank you for being powerful, but now is a time to settle.” And move your attention back to the feelings in the body. Just breathe, notice the fluttering the the chest, and keep moving the attention back when it strays.
If it is especially powerful, imagine holding the emotion in your arms like you would a newborn baby… as a delicate thing needing your care. “Yes, my fear/anxiety/anger, here you are with me, let me soothe your crying.”
July 8, 2013 at 1:31 pm #38189
caroleParticipantI,too feel like I have been hit hard and am trying to just sit with the emotions that seem to be swirling around. I lost both my mom and dad in the last 18 months and after each death my husband of 27 years asked for a separation. I weathered the first death and separation, partly because my husband never actually left ( he was sleeping separately, but otherwise involved in our “life” together) and seemed to want to move forward in the last six months. Now with my father’s death he has once again asked for a separation and I believe he will now move out, since he feels living with me is part of the problem. He is reluctant to tell anyone and everything is moving at a snail’s pace, including telling our “twenty-something” children! He has a really hard time communicating how he feels and when he tries to explain, he says that I require too much care taking ( much of what he does to “take care” is unsolicited). This is such a painful time for me… I absolutely hate losing the “family” we created with good results except for the unhappiness between us now. He has his own therapist but isn’t interested in doing any couples work… I understand that I have to let go. Why is it so painful? Is sitting with it and moving slowly to remake my life going to work. I am so old to have to rebuild my life!
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