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Andrea

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  • in reply to: I need help working through this. #272835
    Andrea
    Participant

    Hi, Anita.

    Sorry for taking long to reply. Had a bit of a hectic weekend.  First, I didn’t realize that you vocould see your own posts, haha. But upon looking at it, wow, what a trip down memory lane, first off. I’ve been thinking about what you told me and what resonates with me is that I definitely had (have) patterns where I expect the man to be dominant over the situation. And that definitely does sound like my dad. And maybe cultural conditioning? I definitely don’t think he’s mature (at least, consciously), but I do have that tendency to want a guy to take control.

    As an update of my present state, I’ve been feeling so so. I realized yesterday what people mean by the mind saying one thing and the heart saying another. It’s at night, especially, when the heart takes over and I start feeling sad. Also, one thing I’m working through is the sensation of guilt that I have over ending this. Some part of me is still nagging about the fact that he told me to invite him to the next concert I had. My ego and my mind tells me “you’ve been contacting him enough! Let him show some interest, if he even cares a bit for you.” The other is like…well, he’s sensitive, maybe he’s hesitant to speak. But part of me sick and tired of chasing him around. I had a huge important event happen for me and, again, nothing from him. I wonder where these feelings of guilt come from…. guilt has been an important factor of my relationship with my father.

    Anyway, I’m working on taking it easy too. I really feel like I want to enjoy the present and whatever is happening right now and end this on-going story.

    Thanks, again, for all your help.

    in reply to: I need help working through this. #272431
    Andrea
    Participant

    Inky:

    Thanks. You’re right. As much as we tried to fight against this fact. I want what I want, and he wants what he wants, and age very much does have to do with it.

    in reply to: I need help working through this. #272427
    Andrea
    Participant

    Anita:

    How did you possibly remember what I had written here more than 5 years ago?!?! 🙂 I remember now. Wow, think you could link me to that thread? Wow, some common patterns here…I do have to say, I’m not the same person I was back then. My relationship with my father has not yet been resolved (and probably won’t until I am able to gain more literal space from him), but those things don’t bother me anymore? Those thoughts don’t haunt me. However, conditioning runs deep. Hm…

    Can you elaborate more on what you mean in that last paragraph? A part of me can feel, not see, what you mean, but Im not sure. I want to be with a man who will just understand me and love me? Who will give me that sense of validation I’m so desperately seeking? Who will be able to take control of the situation?

     

    in reply to: I need help working through this. #272423
    Andrea
    Participant

    Thanks for the replies, guys. A lot of stuff to chew on.

    GL

    2. What I do not understand and am against is this very popular act of just sleeping with whomever you want with no “strings attached” and no accountability whatsoever. Sex, as much as we try to argue against it, is emotional to an extent. To wanna engage with as many people as you possibly can without having any emotional bond  or responsibility whatsoever  implied is infantile thinking. It’s not possible in a long-term basis.  People, at the end of they day, can do whatever they want (as long as there is consent) but at any rate, it’s something that I personally don’t want to engage in.

    1. I’ll admit, I believed that the guy could change his mind, that he can change his mind. That he was just scared of trying something new. Part of me still resonates with that…but in the end, it’s his choice, no? I can’t change someone. It’s that belief that a lot of women have that we can “change” someone, no? Is that not rampant? How much of that is actually true? I do see your point of him having rejected me from the get go and that should have been a sign to let go. There was nothing wrong with me wanting what I wanted, but I really wonder why I have been pulling this for as long as I have, when I know what I want. Which brings me to point number 3.

    3. I really want to delve into this point. Could it be that something about them being unavailable attract me? What could that say about me? I talked to another friend about this and he told me that “shame” might be a factor when it comes to my relationships, namely, shame of the choices that I make and the people I choose to date. Because, while I was with him, I was mostly happy, stable, enjoyed being with him…but when he was apart, when we were in public, or when the thought of me introducing him to other people, those kinds of thoughts would come up. What do you guys think?

    4. Can you elaborate on what you said about emotional support? Look, my parents don’t come to everything I do, but I know that they still love me and support me 100% in what I do, and are excited when I am excited about things. Is that what you mean? Still, this guy did not ask me once about tickets or when the shows would be…only when I brought it up. I don’t honestly know if he listened to me more than I am sure that I actually listened to him. If only we hadn’t gone to bed straight away and we had just talked more!

    5. That part was just a typo on my part. I meant a learning opportunity for me. 😉 And, yes, I have seen what I can do to the extent that I have for the fear of losing someone.

    6. Can you elaborate on this too?

    So what is it that he was filling inside of you that you want him back? Better yet, what is it that he represent that makes him so tempting that you willingly ignore your own intuition to pursue him? What kind of story are you telling yourself about your relationship and him that makes you want to go back? There’s a lot of question you need to ask yourself.

    Those are the questions that I am introspecting about these days. I’ll be posting my conclusions soon. 😉

     

    in reply to: Am I reading too much into things? #272339
    Andrea
    Participant

    Ditto what Mark said. You are putting all your hopes up where there are none, it seems to me. Let go.

    in reply to: On incessant self-doubt and anxiety #44143
    Andrea
    Participant

    Matt,

    Your words are an ailment for the heart. It’s a relief: knowing that there are incredibly kind people out there who are willing to help, especially after said experience Everything you have said makes sense and I hope to apply it when the moment comes. I have to admit, though, some part of me (the anxiety energy in my body that feeds to my brain) is questioning and ruminating about the whole thing, taking the matter to extremes. Some part is also upset (the childish part?) because of the disconnection between “being right” in this scenario and my self-esteem (which was the part that I felt healed my heart the most). It really is silly though, and it’s just my mind wanting to ruminate and bring forth more worry into the mix. I will let it come through, though, it’s normal for my state.

    I’m thinking about situations in school, when I want to participate and bringa point forth. I can’t deny it that it feels good when a professor approves of something or fellow classmates agree. Somehow (and I’m thinking this is all the gunk left by said ‘Buddhist” who wanted me to destroy all notions of pride) my mind wants to feel that doing that is wrong and that I should refrain from it. So, I’m left in a weird position. Ack, how the mind always wants to play in terms of black and white! How it can never be okay with flexibility! Again, I will stay aware of this and let it come through. It can’t harm me.

    Interpret it according to your spirituality (I’m Roman Catholic formally but I tend to lean towards interfaith and knowledge of all belief systems), but you are a God-send. I will definitely try that metta meditation tonight.

    Namaste 🙂
    Andrea

    in reply to: On incessant self-doubt and anxiety #44114
    Andrea
    Participant

    I’m also afraid that by not engagin in this “painful” activity, the obsession is going to stick more until I “confront” it. Should I dismiss that?

    in reply to: On incessant self-doubt and anxiety #44113
    Andrea
    Participant

    Matt,

    That’s what I thought as well. It just seems so unkind to yourself to do that. You can try to maybe trascend the “rigid” ego (the one that sees things in black and white) but to crush it and eliminate it through pain (he even preaches about being willing to fail so that the ego can diminish)? No.

    I’ve made some advancements in that area, by accepting my dad for who he is (even if his way of doing things wouldn’t be my personal choice). But some part of me (a little agitated voice) just feels so inferior and crushed whenever he finds some way around a point. It’s like I’m unwilling to see that my opinions are of value too, and not through him, even if he disagress with me. It really is painful because it’s even affecting my studies and my thinking (which is why I blame it mostly on anxiety, that has caused me to cause these habitual patterns of thought; it’s just afraid of being disproven in argument and not having anything to say). And the tricky part is, it’s not something that never happens (as it happens with most people with anxiety that overdimentionalize things that never happen), but it does (whenever I want to share views on the table and “jump in” to the discussion) and I feel uncomfortable… 🙁 You’d think that I’d gotten desensitzed about it by now but I haven’t. Perhaps I should just give my body more time to heal?

    I guess the key is just to be mindful. Because some part of me wants to destroy my self-esteem whenever I do understand a point that he makes (because then it means that mine is “wrong” and therefore, I’m “wrong” and “stupid”).

    Can you please go a little more in depth about the lesson of the thorn bush? I would appreciate it.

    in reply to: On incessant self-doubt and anxiety #44110
    Andrea
    Participant

    I think I should mention that back when I wasn’t bothered to this extreme with this, I did whatever I would normally do. That means, whenever an opinion would pop up over something I would watch on the net, I would post it on FB, I would say things that are on my mind, despite the fact that I would feel uncomfortable for a bit.

    But all this talk with this man has led me to believe (or anxiety tells me this) that everything I ever want to say is just to get approval. And that’s just not true.

    That and I’ve tried therapy, and found that the best thing that works for me is Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (though, unfortunately, there are no practicing psychologists with this line of work here), so I’ve read very lightly about it.

    • This reply was modified 11 years, 2 months ago by Andrea. Reason: Adding an extra detail
Viewing 9 posts - 1 through 9 (of 9 total)