Hi Camilla.

I have not been logged in on this website for a while – I have to start by saying thank you for reading through all these long messages between me and wonderful Anita. And thank you very much for the thoughful advice and also your viewpoint of the matter. I am sorry to hear you have been through a similair relationship and I hope you are far away from this too.

Best wishes,

Ann

Dear Anita,

Thank you that gives me a goo idea where to start – It’s easy to go into panicking mode when I think about all the things at ones.

See my exboyfriend was really sweet in the beginning but then he started to display behaviours like:

Wanting to be with other girls (but I could not be with other men)
Wanting to have sex even if I didn’t feel like it and accused me of being non sexual (he wanted sex 3 times a day)
He followed me and guy friend to see what we were up to.
He said that I’ll never find someone like him
He said that other where cute when I was sitting there, in a nasty way
He wanted to marry me because he did not trust me. And I said yes. But I changed it to no. I could not marry someone on those basis.
I remember once when I had a little procedure done at the hospital and I chose not to have my boyfriend with me at that time, I thought I was fine, when I came out he was so angry at me for thinking that I did not love him. I was still quite frightned over the small procedure that was done so I just cried.
See my boyfriend sometimes described himself as a sociopath – he was extremely charmning – and maybe I should have listened to that.
I am just wondering if I am looking for someone with that charm. If the only guy I have ever been so in love with is sociopath how can I ever trust my feelings.
The list of his behaviour that I kind of excepted went on and on.

But do you know what I did – I tried to understand everyone one them so I could change and adapt. But when I no longer could he left me. That was the hardest part – he left me when I should have left him. He had a terrible childhood and I thought he could develop and grow from that -but he started to resent me when I tried to help him, It was almost like I’ve seen his inner secrets.

My “partner”: This is when it gets hard. See I can not remember as much – it’s hard to remember day to day behaviour. But I have felt something every day – though it might only have been my feelings. Sometimes the “big events” can speak for the small every day life things.

I remember when we were recording my musc video – I can remember that I had to go outside I wanting to cry. Call me oversensitive or not but he was acting really demeaning. One of his friends even went up to me and said remember this is your music video so you can decide.
I felt smaller than him, like I did not know anything.

The same when we were recording my songs for the first time – I do not know why but I did not have much say at all in anything of the production. Of course he has done music longer than me but it was my songs. The end product of my songs were great but I could not hear that they were my songs. He got really angry when I tried to tell him this – that I wanted a bigger voice in the production- and accussed me of hating the songs. I remembered me how much time he put done on it (which I am aware of and grateful for)

The time I fell pregnant and phoned him after 4 hours after finding it out. He redirected the focus on him and his problem (the mum of his daughter, which he do not like, was calling him) and I felt hurt. See it is different with his hurt becuase he do not understand.

After the abortion when he left me in car for such a long time, not understanding the pain I was going through. And I do not need anyone to completely understand but I found it really hard.

Or cuddling with my best friend on the floor in the middle of the night and not saying sorry it – saying I was overreacting and so on.
He did eventually say sorry.

Anytime I tried to share my feelings and so on all I get is a defensive voice than minimize my feelings.

There is constant invalidation of me so therefor as I look up to him I do not know what is wrong and right.
I am starting to think my behaviour is wrong.

Now when we where on a break – he used guilt in form of that I have let his family down and so on. He gave me ultimatums that if you do not come back you’ll never see me or the cat ever again, he wanted me to book a fligth home about five times. I was very open about how I was feeling and in the end he drew the conclusion that everything is my fault and that I must be depressed. That’s when I thought I was going mad.

When we walked through this beautiful park – he walks only with his phone – I usually walk by myself. I like walking by myself. But here’s the thing – I am adapting to the way he is instead of actually knowing what it is I want (does that make sense) BUt are you not meant to adapt to someone. I ask him if he could deal with the matter later but he always have excuses, always. And makes me feel bad for asking him about it. It becomes my fault. And I feel guilty.

I blame myself for feeling these things about him – and sometimes I found myself wondering why I did all this.

In 3 years I can not remember once when he hasn’t decided for us when to go to bed.

It can soon become very hostile between us. Before I went home this time, I remember I was messaging to my sister on the phone and he was leaning over to see who I was writing to and looking at the computer. He was saying how happy I can be with them and not with him anymore. Which is absolutley fine. It’s just the way he says it.
¨
I feel disrespected by the tone and sound of his voice. He tells me it’s just how he speaks – fair enough.

He said that I should be grateful for everything he done for me – payed all accomodation, driven me everywhere, taking me with him to places. It’s funny how he put words to the feeling I’ve felt through the relationship – to be grateful.

See Anita I have felt things during this relationship I can not put my finger on – guilt, grateful, hurt, smaller. And some many times I do not know why. I am thinking it might be because he is 10 years older I might feel inferior all by myself. I do believe that when you meet someone on the same wave length it is all easier.

See I am met this man before my “partner” and after my ex boyfriend. I can not forget him still – it felt like we got along so well, we shared a whole week together (although) it went way to fast. He just reminded me to much of my ex and was scared that he would leave me. I still think about it – what if I chosen him (silly thought I guess) But I felt like we were on the same wavelength and instead of him coming in and taking over in my life he was looking at it admiring it.

See the things with my partner is probably fixable. But why do I feel like a bird in the cage when I am with him.

I longed for a partner to share my thought and feelings with – is that just a dream – am I being to impractical in life. HAve I not grown up yet.

I remember when I was with his parents on holiday to Italy he was acting really strange in the company of his parents. He was acting like a child wanting his mum to take care of him. That is not behaviour directed at me though.

I have a sense that many things needs to be directed back to him. Many times in the relationship I have thought that he is not very interested in me. But maybe that is a misunderstandning. And that he has the quality to redirect things back to him – such as a good a really grade on my essay which I was over the moon by and when I told him he said you should thank me about it (a joke that did not sound like a joke). Another time when I woke up with a soar tummy in Italy, in the end of the after noon he had the most soar tummy ever and was playing out in front of his mum. I wonder if that is just a feeling I get.

When he is ill – he get 100 times more ill than he is.

I got confused in the end of the relationship to think – it all comes down to practical things and connection it’s not really important. I can not recall a single time we have not fought when we have had alcohol. And myabe I am the one starting them. See I become really honest which is not always a good thing. It feels like I have been wandering in the dark for so long confused about my life – and I wanted to talk to him, but he does not listen he wants a solution – which is lovely, but it is not always helpful.

Many times when I have cried he has looked at me saying what wrong with you in a nasty way. It gets me thinking, maybe there is something wrong with me. This is the behaviour his parents do to him which he hates.

The thing that has always confused me the most is his relationship to his daughter. I remember her saying to me that her father always sits on his phone. And it is very true. When we eat he sits on his phone, when we watch a film, when we go for walks, when we are on a holiday. Always. And he complains to me that I am never in the here and now. I kind of feel left out. BUt see the point is when he is not on the phone we don’t really have anything to talk about.

Am I not being understandable enough. Other couples sit on the phone all the time. Why am I raising questions that might be unnecessary.

I remember cleaning his whole house because my sister was coming to stay – and all I got was that I ruined the whole place (he has severe OCD so maybe I am not taking that in to consideration) and he said that I was to stressed just because my sister was coming – but I said that I just wanted everything to look nice. even only for him and me. See when I moved in there he had no hot water in the shower and snow was coming in through the windows – so I am not asking too much in that kind of sense.

So everythings I felt has been dismissed. I do not care if someone have weird habits, everyone does. I think it’s the problem that I do no feel safe of sharing mine.

Once he said that I am only talking about myself all the time – so I stopped. It really looks like it’s hard for him when I talk so I am not doing so that much anymore.

See I figured I really do like him and I have been trying really hard to fit in. BUt I think I just had enough before christmas.

I remember him having sex with my friend even if I left the room. I remember him saying that it was the best orgasm he has ever had when it was us three – and that really hurt me – and when I raised the question the day after he said that he could not remember and that he did not want to talk about it and that of course he couldn’t say that he did not enjoy it. I can not help to think he always initiated it but maybe he was jealous because I was with another woman. See I did not mind doing this – it was just that we never spoke. I could not speak about it. I thought they got along so much better than me and him or even me and her. Here is where my friends behaviour came in- she was really dismissive and ignorant to me but towards him it was very different. My friend constantly was comparing me and her in a really hurtful superficial way. It felt like my friend wanted what I had and I wanted to get out of it.
See my jealousy grew in an unhealthy way back then. Maybe it was my fault. I rememeber that they had a lot of contact on facebook and I it was mainly because of work – she was drawing pictures for his label. But when I told him that I felt uncomfortable about it and asked if it was only work he said yes. But jealous as I was (which I do no agree with) I looked through his phone and he had been writing to her more that he had with me when I was away on a holiday – from what he had been eating to other stuff. It was almost to say they were in a relationship just as much as we were. As we never had intercourse throughout this time either really. He never seemed to want it.

I can not seem to let this go. But I should – and i ask myself why I can’t. It is things in the past. I was the one that had to call him after six months of it going on to say I could not do this anymore. And he agreed. And a few months after that I found them cuddling each other on the floor and I was overreacting.

I lost contact with my friend that day and a few months after that. She stayed down the stair the whole morning and after noon and I was upstairs crying. When she sent me a text and asked if I could come down the stairs I did. I just said that I was really hurt and that she should leave.

She started to send me emails saying that I should have known better (really vague ones) that she can not seperate her feelings from sex. I understood her but felt hurt by her emails. I was the one initiating contact after this but whenever we met each other whe acted really strange. But we are friends know because of my initiation.

I remember after my I broke up with my ex she did not want to be there for me as much as she though I betrayed her when I got together with him. We lived together with another girl and they were both (mostly my friend) trying there best not to include me in anything.

So there I was hurt, alone when I found my partner.

I can see know looking back that I did spend a lot of time with my boyfriend – and that was a mistake. BUt I was still almost home every evening with her.

Sorry this was a really long message. I am not sure where that leaves me in understanding where I have been mistreated. I do stand up for myself when I feel like it – it is how it get met when I do. My problem is that I want to understand everyone else when they do hurt me. I have no clear boundaries as I can understand why people would treat me the way they do and it might not have anything to with me at all. That’s why I get along with most people and I accept them for who they are.

Best wishes,

Ann

Sorry I am writing again: But I thought it be nice to add,

When I went abroad I fell in love with the city I went to, I felt like it was my life and my decision. But little as I know it; I did not change my ways and I still fell for unhealthy relationships. But I felt like I was creating something for myself. Now I am not so sure if I need to be here anymore, as I know it is the inside that needs to come out.

What if I had the chance to do so in the relationship – take a long and hard look at myself and stay present. What if I wanted to run away from it – to something else. Again.

Dear,

Thank you so much for the kindness you’re showing.

You see I went to psychotherapy CBT 7 years ago. I had an eating disorder at that time, while I was studying a one year course in music.
I went for six months. Without the cbt I wouldn’t have half the understandning I have today – for better or for worse. But I suspect it was to short. And a week after I finished I went over the water to live in another country for 6 years.
See my eating disorder was a result of low self esteem and a need to control and not understand my feelings. I tried really hard to keep the family together when I was growing up and I always blamed myself for my mums depression and dads disinterest in the family. I never tried to express any feelings as I was scared they would not understand or it would be too much for them to carry.
I went travelling with my sister for a year when I was 18 and we had a really unhealthy relationship. She blamed me for a lot of things that I could not possible be accountable for – such a boy not liking her. Around every corner I was looking for a boy to like me or even love me. I remember I decided to stop eating after a guy left that i known for a month. Silly I know. But I felt it was the only way I could cope.

You’re words sound so true in my ears – but they also bring a complete sadness to me. I know that this is not a blame game but I feel sad because I think it is true. See with the music – I really loved it but I always felt that I was ashamed over doing it. Writing my own songs is the only was I have been able to cope. My father has been after all really supportive of me through this time – but he can say hurtful things through it. But I know he means well in the end. But agree he still say them.

There must a bad thing with every relationship?

Back to my sadness – I have been aware of dads influence in my head – what he calls the realistic view. I was meant to start studying four years ago but ended up with excuses in my head. Which I am sad about now, never been before. I was meant to study psychology and I have never found anything to study after that. Of course now I am studying sports therapy/ massage and more holistic therapies which I really enjoy – one weekend every month. I am just gutted I never gave me that chance, and now I feel to old to study such an open degree and would enjoy studying something more work related. But I don’t know though- I just felt like my life went off track when I said no to doing it. Half year after that my ex boyfriend broke up with me and I lost my best friend – my grandma. I started playing in a band with 3 other girls – i didn’t like the music and singer was very different from me, very controlling and so on. I could still see the good part of being in the band – we had fun and i got to learn about the music scene. All I wanted though was to get bravery to play my own music.

This is where the major problem comes in: My “partner” was different. He loved and valued my music and he thinks its the most important thing in life. He was always encouring me in practical things. I felt like I came home at last when I met him. I think that’s the most painful thing about it all. He thought that i should quite the band as he did not like the singer and he thought the band was awful. And I did. I remember how hard I found it to quite that band, I cried and cried. Crazy.

I felt like I was a part of something when I met him.

But you see also, music has never been the most important thing – it has been one of them. But connection with other people is just the same or even more of an important thing.

My “partner” always told me that I did not have self esteem or belief in myself, and maybe that is true. He said that I could so much more in music if I only believed in myself. And I am not talking about being famous, only on a smaller scale. And I know i do not let me but sometimes it feel that I am pretty happy just doing it for myself. I am confused if I am stopping myself and that I really want to do it or vice versa.

But you see, that was the thing. My “partner” was different. He believed in an alternative lifestyle, and I liked it too. I like his lifestyle.

I got this emptiness inside today but i managed to bring myself back – but now I am here not trusting my family or my “partner” not even myself.

I moved abroad because I felt free and alive. And I have many beautiful memories. But I wanted to be in a different place from where I am now. I wanted to get away from my family. You see my closest friend that I had abroad was very similar to my sister. quite an unhealthy bond there too. But maybe every relationship is.

I miss my “partner” when everyone feels the same and he would understand how I feel different. Sorry that might not sound clear at all. It’s just that I appreciate his way of living.

I am just wondering how I can judge my relationship with my “partner” when i do not know what healthy is.
I feel very lonely.
I appreciated that I felt like I belonged somewhere, in “his” life. I wonder if he after all only wanted to care for me and take for me.
What if my destructive thoughts from my child hood and so on are destroying a good thing.

You see my ex boyfriend – I never had these doubts, I was sure I wanted to be with him, why? I felt such a strong emotional closeness with him, I felt at home. But then we did not share many other things. And with my “partner” now it is almost the opposite. And my ex became obviously abusive but I still wanted to be with him.

What if I can not tell healthy from unhealthy and what if i am making relationships unhealthy?

I long to move back to home country, to live closer to my old friends. But I am scared that I will not like it. It feels like I lost the connection with why I am staying where I am.

Did I put much strain on my relationship to my “partner” – did I want answers he could not answer. Why did I long so much for somethings and someone else – when I might not even want it. Could I have been blind of what I really had?

Anita, just as you say the hurt little girl inside – I wonder what she wants. Sometimes I can hear her. Or at least I think so.

I wonder why I have a hard time with taking responsibillity over it. Does she wants to do music, or does she want to study psychology, does she wants a nice little job with enough money to get by, what does she want. I wish I was younger facing these facts. I fear over the future. See I feel like without my “partner” I won’t be able to do music anymore – I would stop believing in music at all.

Best wishes,

Ann

Dear Anita,

thank you again for your response and your wise words.

I really value your input about not having a loving relationship with someone else and it really got me thinking. I do consider that my relationship has grown with my family members. I think one of the main reasons for leaving my home country was to get away and get some clarity over my relationship to them. See I grew up as a people pleaser – mum had depression and my dad was emotional unavailable and quite mean in his words. Of course they were loving as well and my chilhood was very safe in other ways. The relationship between my parents have always been cold, uncommunicating and rather abusive – I have never seen them kissing or hugging.
The worst part is that my “partner” reminded me of my dad and I fell into the same behaviour as my mother – which really scared me.
Everything I always wanted the opposite from I became.

My “partners” parents were similar – they fought a lot and the mother was doing everything by her self.

I do not feel confused the whole time – sometimes I feel grounded and ok – but only when I practise mindfulness. Do you think the childhood patterns could have led me to be this confused? It feels like my friends and family do help but I think I am the problem – see my “partner” had so many good sides too, he really did. I think as my relationship with others might have improved – my relationship with myself has not really improved much. I seem to focus outwards instead of inwards.

I am just scared that if I do not know what a loving relationship is then how can I tell that this one was unhealthy?
So many times I thought that I do not want this but that it is “normal” – his parents are and my parents are.
But I never wanted it to be like that.

And my “partner” has told me many things about who he is and isn’t and I guess I look at other people and they adore him.
It would be different maybe if he did not have any friends.. I think I take everything in consideration.

I value your explanation to “no need to be anything” – that is so very true. I think that I played a part – for very long. I think that is one of the reasons that brought me here. I felt so heavy in the end not knowing what to give, or how and why. The confusion should I not want to give. He always says that he does not need anything from me – but maybe we all do.

I find your description of the puppet great – but at the same time wonder as the words I have shared, and is all you can now, there is so much more to the story. I might have felt like the puppet in the story but so many times I wanted to be the puppet and just play along.

I have refused to listen to myself and when I do it feels calm. As I already know. And I have always known. I just wanted to have something that was not for me – I really did. I really wanted it to work. But all along I was avoiding the journey I need to embark on by myself.

Anita, do you think that two people can be incpompatible with each other and that they can with old wounds create a toxic relationship together.

Thank you once again for kindness and understanding.

Best wishes,

Ann

Ah so many thougths are popping up today, really sorry!

This is a new one:

Did I create drama in a perfectly normal relationship. Was I insecure and did not know how to handle every day life in a relationship. Was I the one that created my feelings because I was used to getting hurt. This is a really hard thought to process. What if I was the one ruining everything bit by bit. I know my friend and family might not agree and would probably say that it does not seem like we are a good match. But what if I did destroy a good thing and why. Was it to a want to escape the relationship – an act of immaturity.
This feeling really scare me. What if I couln’t cope with someone being in love with me. Or someone did not treat me the exact way I wanted to be treated. What if my loneliness and feelings of being ignored was me wanting drama. I am addicted to drama. I really did hate all the drama in my last relationship and often thought that it would be wonderful if we could just be and love each other. But what if I am the casuing the drama now. And now I have accted on my fear and insecurity and removed myself from it.

Was I asking too much of him. Can I not be happy in a peaceful environment. Or was I living the way he wanted to live and whenever I was clear about my needs it caused drama. Why do I feel like the one causing all this pain – then it must be wanting drama.

What if everything was just as it should be. But I wanted destructive patterns. Is that why he never saw any problems in the relationship and that everything had been great. I do not have any drama in my other relationships but what if I wanted it in this. I was creating it but why. So deal with the everyday life or that I did not want the relationship. Or was I ruining it bit by bit and stuck by me – accepting me for me.

When I met him – I remember that I was so destructive, I told him that I was unlovable and horrible and all those things. He just said that sometimes you meet the right person at the right time. And maybe that was true. Maybe I did. Maybe he tried his best to just give me unconditional love and I refused it. Made small things become big. It this is the truth- it would really hurt. And why have I done it. Can someone really loose themselves in past hurt to inflict it upon others. And if that’s the case- why did I do it. Can I not allow myself to be happy.

Have I ruined this with a lovely man that wants the best for me – and I am never likely to find someone like him again.
Would someone really treat themselves that bad, would I not want to be as happy as possible. I am not allowing myself to be happy. What if all I ever spoke about is excuses. Excuses for not wanting to be loved and have a normal life. What if I wanted to be destructive and leave. Maybe I was overanalyzing everything, and I couldn’t live in the moment. Maybe I was surprised to see that he loved me because I did not think he did.

How can I tell the truth from reality. When it all could be true. How could I simply now.

Sorry a little thing again. I wasn’t ready for a relationship when I met my partner I knew what as well. I wonder the whole time if it’s that feeling that never went away. Instead it have made me more confused. People have said that if it had worked you would have slowly begin to want to be in a relationship again. I wonder if that is true. I wonder that my fear of commiting has anything to do with it or that I have fear of commiting to him. I am sorry for my confusing thoughts. Maybe I am trying to find answers to something that does not need answers. Have I not been able to commit as I am not sure about this relationship. It is hard to live with all this doubt for myself. I never really felt that before.

I remember when I met my current partner he was everything my ex wasn’t so I thought that he would never hurt me or leave me. And he would not leave me. As far as I know. I wanted the opposite – but wonder if the opposite was good for me. If I would have taken the time to get back to myself and not hurried so in this relationship I would have made the right decision – and maybe that decision would have been that I didn’t need anyone at that moment in time. But it’s hard to say as I fell so strongly for him, yet maybe for all the wrong reasons.

Needing and wanting someone are two very different things.