thank you Anita and Mark.

Yes, thank you, I am aware of that and also I came to conclusion that lesbian relationship in my life was a mistake. I previously thought this is what I wanted but started seeing therapist and it turned out there were many twisted issues that led to this and this is not how I really felt. I am also sure this is not who I am. it’s so hard to tell this now that this all was a mistake. But am I an evil person who saying who I’m feeling? seems like everytime I say I feel uncomfortable she tells me often “no this is ok, this is not how you feel, everyone likes you, it’s fine. so stop feeling this, ans start feeling okay ” encourages me to suppress my feelings. and then I’m stubborn and saying all of those things again, and then I stop. I am seeing a therapist and many things have been more clear to me.

I’m choosing  not being an evil person, so I go to parties, I don’t go on vacation, I dont go to reastaurants, which I like, but she doesn’t have that much money and most of all she doesn’t like restaurants. So we eat vegetarian food at home, almost the same things every time. I eat vegetarian food because she’s a vegetarian, which makes me sometimes really sick in a way that not eating meat for a day or two makes me feel really weak, I am very skinny and eating only vegetables, tomato sauces, or pasta is not enough for me I literally feel sick and I’m not well because I need to eat meat. But I’m ashamed of this because she has those views and mocks eating meat.  I sometimes cook it for myself but then I have to make two dinners. I dont even have a hobby of my own, I recently started to be interested in makeup , I always liked it but with her I stopped being that much feminine because she mocks it. so I’m not being myself, I hide it, I’m ashamed of being girly or „silly”. I lost my identity and I dont have hobbies. We also play boardgames, I hate it I never played board games as a child so I dont really feel the need to, I dont know what’s the point but she makes me feel guilty that she has all those board games and no one to play with so I play with her and watch youtube videos for sometimes an hour to understand the rules, and they we play for 2 hours, and then I say I dont want anymore or she sees I’m tired so she’s sad. I’m not writing this to feel pity of myself or for someone to feel sorry for me, maybe I hurt her too, in fact every day I feel like a bad person so I try to do what I should to not be evil but I’m really unhappy and I feel forced to do things almost every day. I feel like I’m wasting my life, and living a lie. I can’t even talk to anyone about this because everyone thinks I am single all my life, I dont even have a close friend to talk to. I’m living a lie. My anxiety kills me, I’m having really bad nightmares and I know it’s because of this. Her birthday is coming up and of course we are having a party for her friends, so I’m having anxiety already and she wants me to come to family birthday also. I said I dont want to and I really feel uncomfortable, these are my feelings and they are real, I feel like I dont want to. So she is mad at me, because she is nice and I’m ungrateful.