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should I trust my feelings

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  • This topic has 6 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 5 years ago by Anonymous.
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  • #285191
    anna5466
    Participant

    I am in a lesbian relationship. We’ve been together for almost 6 years. It hasn’t been perfect, like in all relationships we have a bit of issue with spending time. I like travelling, she doesn’t, so we never travel or go on vacation for past 6 six years. She likes parties, family meetings, meeting with (her) friends, I don’t, but we go to those parties because.. well.. It’s obvious, we’re together so I have to go. She didn’t tell her family about me, nor did I, so I’m like a friend who goes everywhere with her. Recently I feel (or from the beginning) a bit weird and awkward going to those family meetings, I feel like it’s not appropriate for “a friend” like me to attend family dinners, birthdays, or Christmas . Her family is nice, they like me and its nice of them to invite me but it’s about how I feel in this. I feel like I’m this friend, single friend who is around 30, who comes to their house, hangs out, spends Christmas (I don’t really have a family except for 2 or 3 people ). I told her it’s sometimes awkward living this double life, pretending to be a single friend and sitting on her family celebrations, but she got angry and it sounded like I am evil for being mad that she tries to be nice and invite me. She told me “sorry I tried to be nice and invite you. I will never do it again”. I dont want to be an evil person or ungrateful. Am I?  or does it sound like I am? It’s just what I’m feeling is I am always pretending, I don’t want to come out of the closet because I am not ready for this, even if I was, she would never tell her family because they are very conservative, yes they like me but they like me as a friend, they would never accept a lesbian relationship so we keep doing this “show”, acting, a double life. I’m not only getting tired of this but also I am having anxiety and panic, nightmares, it’s very tiring to lead this double life and pretend I feel like I’m suffocating. I don’t have any friends because  when I meet somebody new I have to choose which person I will pretend: the single girl who is 30 years old and is alone, jokes about being an old maid, or a lesbian which I am afraid and ashamed, so I choose not to meet new people. she doesn’t seem to understand. I also suffer from anxiety and this kind of situations really affect me, a week before a party I can’t sleep for a whole week because parties give me anxiety, being around people, plus its her friends, not mine, she likes them, she wants to hang out with them and she feels the need to. I like them too but it’s her friends. If I had my own friends I would probably feel the need to hang out with them too. Additionaly her friends “like me” but they also dont say hi to me when they see me accidentally on the street, they pretend to not see me (maybe they are often in hurry or its the fact that we once broke up and friends always have her side, or they just dont really like me). she doesn’t understand my feelings, my anxiety. she knows I hate parties yet she wanted to have a halloween party and I did, she also plans birthdays, other halloween parties for her friends, when she knows I’m really stressed out there and I dont really have fun. I learned to not trust my feelings so I do what she wants because I dont want to an evil and selfish person.

    #285199
    anna5466
    Participant

    I’m choosing  not being an evil person, so I go to parties, I don’t go on vacation, I dont go to reastaurants, which I like, but she doesn’t have that much money and most of all she doesn’t like restaurants. So we eat vegetarian food at home, almost the same things every time. I eat vegetarian food because she’s a vegetarian, which makes me sometimes really sick in a way that not eating meat for a day or two makes me feel really weak, I am very skinny and eating only vegetables, tomato sauces, or pasta is not enough for me I literally feel sick and I’m not well because I need to eat meat. But I’m ashamed of this because she has those views and mocks eating meat.  I sometimes cook it for myself but then I have to make two dinners. I dont even have a hobby of my own, I recently started to be interested in makeup , I always liked it but with her I stopped being that much feminine because she mocks it. so I’m not being myself, I hide it, I’m ashamed of being girly or „silly”. I lost my identity and I dont have hobbies. We also play boardgames, I hate it I never played board games as a child so I dont really feel the need to, I dont know what’s the point but she makes me feel guilty that she has all those board games and no one to play with so I play with her and watch youtube videos for sometimes an hour to understand the rules, and they we play for 2 hours, and then I say I dont want anymore or she sees I’m tired so she’s sad. I’m not writing this to feel pity of myself or for someone to feel sorry for me, maybe I hurt her too, in fact every day I feel like a bad person so I try to do what I should to not be evil but I’m really unhappy and I feel forced to do things almost every day. I feel like I’m wasting my life, and living a lie. I can’t even talk to anyone about this because everyone thinks I am single all my life, I dont even have a close friend to talk to. I’m living a lie. My anxiety kills me, I’m having really bad nightmares and I know it’s because of this. Her birthday is coming up and of course we are having a party for her friends, so I’m having anxiety already and she wants me to come to family birthday also. I said I dont want to and I really feel uncomfortable, these are my feelings and they are real, I feel like I dont want to. So she is mad at me, because she is nice and I’m ungrateful. 

    #285201
    anna5466
    Participant

    I know it’s probably my fault that I allow her to force me to do those things, because when we first met we used to go to concerts, I thought it’s nice but the fact is I don’t really like concerts that much, after a while we were going to a concert almost every week, festivals, I spent a lot of money for the concerts (sometimes the same bands many times) which she likes, and I just went with her so that she wouldn’t go alone. I dont know if this is what I should do. There were movies she liked and we went for the same movie like 5 or 6 times and payed for it even if I didn’t like it. Where we almost never go to a movie I like, very rarely. Let alone more than one time. I know its probably my fault I allowed this. Maybe other people wouldn’t go to even one concert they don’t want to go. Would you?

    But I’m afraid to speak my feelings so I what she wants to. It’s probably more my fault than her. 

    #285207
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear anna5466:

    It reads to me that it is time to end this relationship. Clearly you need a partner who will not mock you, one who will take your feelings seriously, respect you,  and one who is out of the closet.

    What do you think?

    anita

    #285233
    Mark
    Participant

    anna5466,

    It seems that part of your growth opportunity (I believe that each relationship presents a growth opportunity) with your gf is to deal with your fear, speak your authentic truth, stand in your own preferences and not give up who you own wants/needs/desires, and embrace who you are, i.e. a lesbian partner.

    You may or may not be able to do that with your partner but you don’t then you have to face that with the next partner.

    This is a self esteem issue.  Your fear of asserting yourself, giving in to others,  your anxiety, the lack of advocating for your needs and wants and conceding to those who care not what you want are all issues of the lack of self love.

    You may want to work with a therapist on dealing with the core issues that is keeping you from living fully your authentic you.

    Mark

    #285247
    anna5466
    Participant

    thank you Anita and Mark.

    Yes, thank you, I am aware of that and also I came to conclusion that lesbian relationship in my life was a mistake. I previously thought this is what I wanted but started seeing therapist and it turned out there were many twisted issues that led to this and this is not how I really felt. I am also sure this is not who I am. it’s so hard to tell this now that this all was a mistake. But am I an evil person who saying who I’m feeling? seems like everytime I say I feel uncomfortable she tells me often “no this is ok, this is not how you feel, everyone likes you, it’s fine. so stop feeling this, ans start feeling okay ” encourages me to suppress my feelings. and then I’m stubborn and saying all of those things again, and then I stop. I am seeing a therapist and many things have been more clear to me.

     

    #285263
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear anna5466:

    A summary of what you shared, taking in all your posts: you are about thirty year old who has been in a lesbian relationship for six years. The relationship was never made public. She has kept it a secret from her many family members and friends whom she sees often, presenting you as her friend. You kept it a secret from your 2-3 family members and you don’t have your own friends. You didn’t want the relationship to be public because you felt shame about being a lesbian, and most recently, you “came to conclusion that lesbian relationship in my life was a mistake”, that you are not truly a lesbian.

    Within this relationship you didn’t feel comfortable eating meat because she mocks people who eat meat. You didn’t travel even though you love traveling because she doesn’t like traveling.

    “I stopped being that much feminine because she mocks it”, you wrote. You play board games with her even though you hate playing them. You went to concerts and the same movies over and over again even though you didn’t want to. “I feel forced to do things almost every day”, you wrote.

    When you told your girlfriend that you feel awkward living this double life, “she got angry and it sounded  like I am evil for being mad”. You wrote more about your concern about being evil: “I don’t want to be an evil person.. Am I? or does it sound like I am?”, you asked. “I feel like a bad person so I try to do what I should to not be evil but I’m really unhappy…But am I an evil person who saying who I’m feeling?”

    “seems like every time I say I feel uncomfortable she tells me often ‘no this is ok, this is not how you feel.. stop feeling this, and start feeling okay’, encourages me to suppress my feelings”.

    You wrote that you are afraid to express your feelings and that you suffer from “anxiety and panic, nightmares… feel like I’m suffocating”.

    My understanding: you probably came into this six year relationship with a weak sense of self, unassertive and you gave in easily to what she wanted, placing your needs and feelings second to hers. You lost yourself more and more in this relationship. Instead of being more of who you are, you became less and less of who you are. She encouraged this process by telling you that your feelings are not  okay.

    But your feelings are okay, and you are not and never have been bad or evil for experiencing any feeling you had your whole life. Your feelings never made you good or bad. There are valid messages in our feelings and once we figure out those messages, feelings act like messengers who direct us to making better and better choices for our well-being.

    You’ve been feeling suffocated and anxious because you are too far away from living your life your way. You’ve been living it her way for too long.

    I hope you do well in therapy, that you choose to end this relationship and that you live your life your way: eat meat, dress/ apply makeup, appearing feminine, make a friend or two, go to restaurants, travel, don’t attend parties, never play a board game again..  and never pretend to be straight or lesbian, no more double life.

    anita

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