I meant that since I suffered abuse I was scared of anyone’s touch. I couldn’t hug my Papa also. We never shared a hug after i grew up. Yes my ex husband thought I was seeing someone which I was not and hence stopped listening to him and he called up my relatives and father and told them we didn’t have kids because of this trauma and yes in accusatory way. He is a good case to let go. He is a strange character when I used to tell him his friend is checking me out which I’d don’t appreciate he used to ignore. So Anita he didn’t love me right. I  can’t today also tell his flaws to anyone like that leave his relatives. That secret was all I had and now I am exposed within family.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 3 months ago by Annie.

Anita

i know there are people with very bad struggles and unimaginable pain out there and i have been telling myself and kept going. May be i make too much fuss about everything. But handling that issues growing up not talking to anyone was crazy. The first person i shared this with was my ex husband who was my friend. You know what he did, he called up my relatives and told them in most brutal manner this story with added spice. That is how wrong i had been on man i love. I told him on his face he can go to facebook and post if i can fight my way up where i am then i can fight him also. I wanted my fathers love i lost it growing up because i couldnt handle any person touch but o kept going and i met this guy and thought i got one, Believe me i am strong in that sense because i kept trying to find love i believe world is magical everything is so beautiful the trees the flowers the dance in every moment its amazing but i feel that is my mistake i live in dreamworld. With this i feel my strength is wearing off. I have been trying but reach a dead end thats because something about me not loving myself. When will that happen. i dont know. so this pain this time is unbearable to the core.

Prash and Anita

I seem to be losing that fight. Because i don’t know in which dark place i am. When he initially tried to reconcile i felt it is not genuine concern, he values me the least or i am of no concern to him. I was appalled at that since he used to say that he loves me the most and he will not be able to live without me. I used to believe that he loves me though my gut feeling was opposite since i was not feeling it is right. Everything which i got was a privilege, that was issue and fight within.

I let him go and then when i was proved right in terms of his behavior i am in shock more. It seems i was blind while everyone could sense that something is wrong. I keep going back and thinking i could have corrected something or stayed with him. I had a nice house, a routine and a luxury of people believing i have got everything so i was ok normal and invisible . I had everything but i was not happy then also.

I have convinced myself that he has won, he got the money what he wanted. He is happy, while i knew living with him that he used to do things and leave them halfway. Be frustrated. But in my mind everyone is happy and i am loser. I don’t see what i have, keep comparing constantly. I had achieved what i wanted in life within 3 years of working and then lost it all within 3 days. He didn’t do much work and enjoyed life. He ensured he is in touch with his family while i got so busy working that i lost all time. now i am disconnected with my parents and find myself doing stupid things. Is this jealousy or what is love. Till when will i feel this. while writing above also i feel like a fool, but what i did was out of love and no greed then why i am suffering while he enjoys. I am still young as everyone says but i feel i have lost life. I keep convincing myself that people have lost more, times will change. i am not in worse off situation. I am independent, can rebuild a life for me, but it all goes waste because all thoughts come back. No one can make me happy unless i am happy. Am i selfish, what did i do wrong. How he has peace which i don’t. Why i have so many questions while he doesn’t. Is it because i moved out of house and all changed for me. I feel stupid. is it ego. I have spoken to friends at length and sought counselling but i am reaching a point of no return and i feel i will take a stupid decision at end of this road. i dont know if i made sense. do i still love him is that the issue i dont want to admit but if yes then how can i love a person who didnt care about my safety and dignity as a husband, who broke promises of starting a family, who spent lavishly and irresponsibly while i slogged in office. Why cant i accept that it was not love because if it was then he would have come back for us no matter what or does it only happen in movies. All i wanted was love and i am here sitting alone still looking for it. Is world so scary place devoid of all this. Where am i stuck.

Hi Pash

I am unable to love myself that is foremost bad choice. I feel extremely guilty to point i feel i have hurt so many people. I forget the times i used to feel sad and let down and so much tension that i cant tell you. Seeing the bank balances going negative within first week used to give jitters. I had reached a stage of indifference and his demands were not reducing. There was a point where he wanted to take a loan of 22 l again to buy a vehicle and i literally begged him that i cant afford this lifestyle. We were showing to world that we are luxurious and have no happiness in life. I was under so much pressure that I used to feel guilty if i buy anything for myself. I kept all his family happy loved them as mine even more but when time came they all including my soulmate sided to take over property. Made stories. It broke me to core to see my life of 8 years crumble before me. For first time i was angry for being right. No amount of compensation can make me same or right or feel ok again. But as i said there is this other inner voice which wants to live so bad, it keeps telling me to move one and there is other which still follows him on social media only to tell myself that i am responsible for troubles he is going through. I should have jus stayed and he would have been happy at my expense. Its a feeling like talking to wall. I used to tell him all my troubles and he will say its in your mind or you dont know how lucky you are dont complain people are in worse situations.

So the biggest bad choice is feeling guilty all the time and in my imaginary world where i am not ready to accept that he didnt love me. If he did only thing which mattered would have been is that we should be together at this very moment. But that happens in movies.

Dear Prash

I have taken firm steps to ensure that i move on but in my head and heart i need to move on completely. And if you read above you can see how i am managing. I just hoped if i knew earlier what i was going through. I have got tangled up in too many things because i didnt realise that what was happening to me was not entirlye my fault. I was going through a bad phase. i dont know if i will be able to succeed and this i am saying truly. It is so horribly difficult to challenge yourself when you are so insecure and vulnerable. Realise that you have messed up your life and taking action to change it without knowing what will happen tomorrow.