One small thing that might help with the depression aspect (and the comparison with others) is, if you have it available to you, read a book called “Feeling Good” by Dr Burns. It is excellent at allowing you to see the thoughts and behaviors that you are doing that are contributing to your depression and helps you stop. It’s a great read even if you’re feeling great.

Is there any way to kinda separate off an area that’s “yours”? Maybe hang a dividing curtain and set up some things that make YOU comfortable and happy? (Candles, incense, etc). They even make room darkening drapes that would allow you to control the lighting in your area. I know if it’s not YOUR place you may not have much leeway as far as furnishings or hanging things but it’s a thought.

• This reply was modified 8 years ago by HippieChick.

My only advice is to give him time and let him lead how this goes. Once you told him it is up to him how he handles this. He may choose to leave. If he stays it is on HIS timeline that you guys will deal with it. You must understand that even though you have had years to know about and deal with this, he’s still in shock. He’s going to be angry, sad, shocked and probably have a ton of questions as to WHY you did this and how you’re going to be able to guarantee it won’t happen again. (All very valid concerns that I hope you’ve worked out in your own head).

THIS is the reason most people DO NOT recommend confessing affairs that have ended if you do not plan to commit adultery again. It is for your own sake that you confess, not his.

First point I’ll make is that a married man CAN’T marry you. Second, and this is based on your ability to do so depending on your cultural circumstances, make the decisions separately. Don’t marry the arranged man if you do not feel comfortable. Don’t marry a man that’s married and cheating with you for he’s very likely to do it to you as well. Search for a third option that’s a better all around fit.

Just my opinion.

I think you assume that’s not it and make it clear you’re just is friend. Then if he at some point in the future decides to try to use you as “backup” you just remind him that you’re just his friend. If he gets angry at that and walks away then you’re not really losing anything. Don’t assume he worst.

As is often the case with marriages in trouble abs affairs…you have two separate issues you need to address (well, three actually).

1. Most pressing…are you happy and do you want to continue your marriage? If this is the case you need to stop the affair and concentrate on repairing the damage in your relationship. This will also require your husband to be honest and open. And you as well. I do not feel you need to “confess” your affair, however you do need to discuss all the feelings that led to it and deal with them. If you do not wish to do this or believe it will not work you need to leave your marriage. And I do not say that lightly.

2. Decide if the “other man” is someone you truly want to be in a relationship with or if he’s simply filling a void that your husband isn’t right now. Is he someone you’d pick if your emotional needs were met? Don’t leave your marriage and jump right into a new relationship based on neediness.

3. Most important…work on your internal “abandonment issues” and learn how to be happy with yourself and by yourself. If you never do this you’ll find yourself in positions where you’re begging another human to stay with you. This is never a good thing and rarely works out for anyone involved. There are great articles in this website to help you get started.