Hi anita and Ramone, Thank you so much for reading all of my story and for your generous responses. I re-read what I wrote and immediately felt guilty for being so ungrateful and spouting out all this hate. I’m ashamed for being so angry and practically incomprehensible but at the same time I just feel so empty with the daily routine so I don’t want to completely retract all my original thoughts.

ou are both right – I do need an action plan like the one anita suggested and also to stop living my life to accommodate others per Ramone. That’s been a huge problem of mine – just being used and taken advantage of all the time. I can tell when people are doing it too yet I am too embarrassed to call them out, so I just avoid them or quit what I’m doing and move on to the next thing. I am so scared to have an opinion of stand up for myself. I just kind of go along with what the people around me insist until I snap and quit or move to another job/city/whatever.

For the action plan, I have moved far away from my mom and rarely speak to her, and that’s helped a lot. I guess I just feel guilty sometimes because “normal” people talk to their moms and see them at Christmas and such, but I just kind of skip all that. The engagement just kind of made me want to reconnect with her, but I guess I should just continue avoiding her. She won’t respond to anything I say anyway – she’ll just start talking about herself or her grandchildren. For step 2, I do feel like my fiancé would support my decision but honestly I would feel bad for not contributing and maybe I’m scared he won’t approve. It just makes me feel like a loser that I can’t “pitch in” an equal amount to bills. I guess I am really scared to just up and quit. My ex left me after 7 years together when I decided I didn’t want to be a nurse…well, he didn’t leave – he just cheated and cheated and let me keep doing his laundry and paying his rent until I had to put my foot down and leave (then it was all my fault for “being the one who left”). It really should be easier for me to quit my job – I just quit my last one just this past November and found this current one. I guess I just am embarrassed I must look crazy, always unhappy wherever I go and always up and quitting and quitting everything I do.

I love the idea of psychotherapy – I’m in the process of looking for someone to help me. I just don’t know how to find someone good, and I feel wary of trusting people. I really want to take Ramone’s advice – cut loose and be my own person. I don’t even know how to do that – when my fiancé is gone for work I just kind of go to work and then don’t know what to do with myself besides shop and clean and do chores. It’s really kind of sad. I don’t know – guess I just feel lost and not like a whole person.

Either way, thank you both for reading and replying. You’re great people and I really appreciate your thoughts.