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Aster

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Viewing 6 posts - 1 through 6 (of 6 total)
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  • #307021
    Aster
    Participant

    Hello everyone,

    Anita, fear is a awful thing. It’s what kept me in my marriage and I’m sure what kept him in his. This man has had the same woman cut his hair for over 25yrs, the same golf league, the same house, same job and of course same woman. I get change freaks ppl out but geez!

    Mark, I’m not sure what to do. I’m confused. When he said it was killing him he was laughing, bot like it was real serious, but still he doesnt like coming home to a empty house. I’m thinking esp that house. He was lonely and unsure what the heck to do with himself. Co-dependence did enter my head, but I would have to do more research on the aspects of that to determine if that’s really the case.

    All I know is that he seemed lost there for awhile. Then after the divorce, you could tell a weight had been lifted. And now he’s lost again. Actually, he’s lost so much weight in the past month, his clothes are bagging off him. I know, different kind of “lost!”

    Michelle, I liked your anology about the dress. But just having to see it everyday, knowing what we could of had, would just keep breaking my heart I fear. Because I dont think what he did is his normal behavior, and I’d always be wondering about the regret of not giving him a 2nd chance.

    He is an introvert like me, not big on meeting new ppl. Not big on crowds. Not big on dating. We do have a lot in common, and get along well normally. The part that nags at me is how he was able basically act normal towards me after he did the deed with her. How was he able to come to my house, have me cook dinner for him, stay at my house during that time about 4- 5 days a week? And you know, one of the things he told me early on is that he wont tolerate any kind of cheating! Like I’m the one who had to be told that!

    #306805
    Aster
    Participant

    Hello everyone,  you are all so nice taking the time out to talk this out with me. He is a very handsome man. He does appear to be confident and well put together. The whole sobbing and grabbing of the legs definitely threw me for a loop. But looking back, I had a few hints he was emotionally insecure. His ex moved out and he was on his own for about 7 months and he said that about killed him and he didnt see how I could go as long ad I did alone. I told him I knew I had issues to work thru and I had/have major trust issues. That being alone is what i needed. Crazy thing is, I did trust him.

    He is remorseful. He did agree to go to counseling only because he said he would do what it takes to keep me. He’s reluctant because he said counseling went very bad when he and his ex went thru it, and seemed to only makes things worse. In talking to him about it, seems his ex did all the talking and he’s not much of a talker, esp about feelings and conflict. So he never voiced his side if the issues. I myself am a little reluctant about counseling only because I’ve gone to so much counseling for 3 yrs after my split, that it feels like a pain to go back. I mean I had intensive therapy for PTSD. I have my 6 month check in’s but my therapist doesnt do relationship counseling. Ugh, just didnt think I’d be landing myself in therapy again. Mentally, I have been in a good place for years. And even going through this, whereas I am heartbroken and disappointed, it’s nothing compared to before.

    Michelle, you have good points as to why I would want him back. Some of it does come from the negative. There is that nag in the back of my head that says I wont find better. Things nag at me like I know he doesnt want to be alone, and there are plenty of women who’d love to take him on. I’ve heard women talk about him for years. And to see him with someone from work would crush me. I have a good job, I like my job, so leaving is not what I want to do.I try to filter all that. But, really what it comes down to is that I do love him and despite the betrayal, I feel he loves me too.

     

    #306677
    Aster
    Participant

    Hello everyone, thank you for the advice. He said he will look for a place of his own. He stayed at his campground hes a member of this weekend.

    I’ll admit, I’m a bit panicky. Sucks. I dont really understand myself in this whole thing. One minute I think I can get past this, the next minute I can’t. It’s kind of just all over the place with advice also. People who know him think he’s a great guy. My family doesnt necessarily think I shouldn’t give him another chance. It’s interesting, seems online, the consensus is run away from this, face to face, it leans more to second chances. I was really head over heels for this guy, and friends and family seen that, and they’ve never seen me so happy. Maybe that’s the influencing factor?

    I did ask his ex when she was she was pointing out all the bad things about him to me, why would she want him back then? She said she wouldn’t let this one mistake he’s made ruin their 20 yr marriage. She said hes never stepped out on her before. He said he has never stepped out on her. So it’s not like hes a player. I dont see that in him at all. Hes been with the same woman since he was 18, I’m the 2nd. I even asked him when things started getting serious if he was sure about this, and didnt he want to play the field a little. He said “I’m 45 yrs old, I’m not interested in the field, just you.” I am also 45 and was hoping this would be the person i would spend the rest of my life with.

    I do take part responsibility in this. I shouldn’t of gotten involved with him in the 1st place. But, like anita had said, going back in time unfortunately isn’t an option. I’ve known him from work for years. He’s a respectable person. Maybe he truly did just get mixed up in his head, and ex wife is not miss innocent in this. Shes been playing head games for a long time, but I’m just going by what his friends had told me on that.

    I am going to distance myself from him for awhile. Him in my face just makes it so I cant think. If i do decide to make a fresh start on this, then like mark said, it’s on me. Fool me once…

    #306451
    Aster
    Participant

    Hes not out of my house. I dont know what I want to do about him. Things had been really good up to the time she contacted me. We traveled, we did everything together. It’s hard to just shut all those feelings off. It had been 6 months since this occured between them, so he thinks I should just be able to move on from this since things were going so well. I only found out 6 wks ago about all this, so I’m living it now like it just happened, hes not understanding that.

    #306427
    Aster
    Participant

    I mean, you would think after 15 months of not being with her, that I could trust what he said. And I did at least stick to my guns for about a month after telling him I didnt want caught in it. But he persisted and other women were taking a big interest in him. Lame reasons, but those thoughts did enter my head. That he was a good guy. And I was going to regret it if I didnt at least give it a shot. And he has been good to me, but how does one move on from this?

    #306425
    Aster
    Participant

    Thank you anita and mark. I’ve been telling him we need to go to counseling. He thinks counseling is b.s. Yet he cant quit crying. When I told him I wanted him out, he got on his knees and grabbed my legs and sobbed.

    It gets more idiotic. We work for the same company. We aren’t in the same department,  but avoiding him would be next to impossible. Hes been in my office sobbing several times. Yes, I should have stuck to my original plan of not getting involved. He was convincing. She had been moved out for almost 3 months before the legal separation.so it had been over 7 months of her not living with him before I started seeing him. And that it had been bad with the fighting for yrs, and they havent spent the last2 Christmas’s together. So I was told it was only a technicality at that point. And the reason the separation has been stretched out so long was so she could keep insurance since she didnt work and has health problems. She told me that’s just what they do, but always find their way back to each other.

    One day I’m fine, the next I cant stand the sight of him. We go out and have a great time, the next day I’m a total hag to him. I’ve been through yrs of therapy because of the crap my ex put me thru. It sounds absolutely ridiculous, but at least when I got knocked around, it was upfront. Literally in my face. But this kind of betrayal is different, its sneaky and in order to get past it you have to have faith it wont happen again. I was happy those years after my divorce, being by myself, but after 5 yrs of being alone, I guess I finally gave in. I had been asked out by many, went out on dates with a few, but never allowed it to go anywhere. Na, I had to wait until a trainwreck caught my eye. Like I said I feel like a dumba$$.

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