Hi Anita,

Thank you for reaching out. I’ve been reflecting on the break up, and your words have helped me.

After 2 weeks apart we spent a weekend together to exchange things, talk about the break up and spend time together. There were hugh emotions on both ends. I found myself once again feeling responsible for how he is doing, and it has validated my reason for ending things. He’s a great man and boyfriend in many ways, but not right for me in this phase of life. I’m determined for more fun, self-discovery and when the time is right a more secure relationship.

I’m lonely, because I’ve left my best friend, confidant, and the one person who has made me feel loved. I am also proud of myself for listening to my gut for the first time, and I am hopeful for my future. I still haven’t fully found my “why” to the breakup, but it is becoming clearer with time. I’m currently at peace that I did what I felt was best.

Again, thank you for listening and offering your orspective. I wish you health and happiness.

S

Wow, I could have written many of these posts myself, as I’ve felt many of these emotions regarding my breakup. I have felt very comforted from hearing your stories, and wanted to share my experience for future people seeking the same catharsis I have.

I recently broke up with my boyfriend of nearly a year. We met his last year of college, and knew each other months before dating. Quickly we progressed from friends, to lovers to a relationship. Almost immediately we had to go long distance, as he graduated and switched jobs. For a while we were across the country, then four hours away, then only 2 hours away. We made the most of it once he moved back to my state- visited each other at least twice a month. It was very difficult because I’m still in school, but we both made the time and effort to talk most days and visit often.

I had many anxieties throughout the relationship. This has been my first real love, and I have never felt such physical comfort from another person. I grew up in an abusive home, so it was very scary and rewarding to experience such love for the first time. Throughout our relationship, I worked with my therapist and my (now) ex- boyfriend to embrace new habits of trust and vulnerability.

He is an amazing man. He is sweet, generous, and nonjudgemental. We share a lot of interests, mutual respect and attraction, and our sexual relationship was lovely. We even met each others’ friends and families and everyone approved of our union.

And still, I’ve had many anxieties throughout our relationship. Do I like him enough to spend my life with him? Is he exciting enough? Can I be fulfilled sexually by one person forever? Is he too quick to compromise? Am I gay? Am I old enough for a serious relationship?… I’ve always been very anxious and an overthinker, so Tam I self sabotaging something truely amazing?

These fears were often soothed by his physical presence, but not always. Sometimes they would appear during sex or simple moments like eating dinner together. On a few occasions, like on a drive to the store, I would look at him and feel a pang of sadness that “This won’t last.”

He also has his struggles with mental health. Where I’m avoidant, he can be very anxious. Just as he helped me, I do believe I helped him also
I encouraged him to voice his fears, and pushed him to see a GP and therapist. I did my best to soothe him on bad days, encourage him that life will get better. Regaddless, near the end of our relationship, as my anxieties got worse so did his. He became very insecure in our relationship. He’d ask, “Are you happy in this relationship? Do you still love me?” I’d tell him yes, but maybe he sensed something I couldn’t admit to even myself.

The end was very sudden, eventhough I had spent a while thinking about wether to end things or commit. After all, I know a relationship is a choice- you choose to commit. One day he got very sad and needed reassurance, and I broke down in tears. In that moment I felt like we did not have the power to change our cycle: he would feel sad soon again, and it would drain me. I got the ick, and felt like his mother in this moment. I initiated the breakup, and he handled it very sweetly. He was absolutely heartbroken, but he respected my decision.

Initially, I felt great relief. Finally- I don’t have to worry about anyone else’s weaknesses… It’s been exactly one week since we broke up- the longest week of my life. I miss him terribly. I can’t believe I’ve just tossed out the only person who cares about me- surely I must be a masochist! I’ve just given up on my best friend. I’ve just broken my lover’s heart.

After one week of NC (our longest time not speaking in a year), we spoke on the phone. He had a small hope I would take him back. I told him no, I need to be single right now. We talked again later that night, and have plans to see each other in person in one week to exchange things and have dinner together. On that phone call with him, I broke down and he comforted me sweetly. Afterwards, I feel horrible for putting him I’m that position and will try my best to hold it together when we meet in person.

I hope we can be friends, and he said he would like that. However, I believe that soon he will want/ need to go NC to grieve the relationship, and as much as I don’t want, that I know it is best. It will help both him and I process how and why this breakup happened.

This break up has been very confusing because I still do not really know my motivation for ending it. Someone might say “You loved him, but we’re not in love with him” and I’m not sure this is true. I’ve never loved anyone more. Was it simply the wrong time? I do think I need some freedom right now, especially as my graduation is soon, but am I making this decision out of fear or old bad habits? I don’t know. I don’t know what to tell him when he asks for an explanation. I can’t put my finger on it. Deep down, I just felt like I needed to. It didnt seem right to stay in the relationship and not be as committed/ in love/ confident/ whatever-you-want-to-call-it as him. I hold onto the hope that time will tell, and I move forward knowing that I need to work on myself, my inner voice, and my relationships. I never want to hurt someone in this way again.

If the door reopened for a friendship or more between us down the line, that would be beautiful. But more than that, I really do love him and I hope he gets everything he truely wants in life.

And I hope this break up was “worth it”. Thank you for reading my story- subject to change as emotions are high right now.

I hope to update this lost regardless once some time has passed and I have a new perspective. If anyone reads this, I’d love to hear your thoughts <3

To anyone experiencing a similar breakup, wether as the dumper or dumped, I feel for you deeply. I wish I had insight, but our journeys are unique. I do like this advice from my mother: “You take what was good in this relationship, and you find one that is better. Wether it with him, or with someone new.”