Wow, I could have written many of these posts myself, as I’ve felt many of these emotions regarding my breakup. I have felt very comforted from hearing your stories, and wanted to share my experience for future people seeking the same catharsis I have.

I recently broke up with my boyfriend of nearly a year. We met his last year of college, and knew each other months before dating. Quickly we progressed from friends, to lovers to a relationship. Almost immediately we had to go long distance, as he graduated and switched jobs. For a while we were across the country, then four hours away, then only 2 hours away. We made the most of it once he moved back to my state- visited each other at least twice a month. It was very difficult because I’m still in school, but we both made the time and effort to talk most days and visit often.

I had many anxieties throughout the relationship. This has been my first real love, and I have never felt such physical comfort from another person. I grew up in an abusive home, so it was very scary and rewarding to experience such love for the first time. Throughout our relationship, I worked with my therapist and my (now) ex- boyfriend to embrace new habits of trust and vulnerability.

He is an amazing man. He is sweet, generous, and nonjudgemental. We share a lot of interests, mutual respect and attraction, and our sexual relationship was lovely. We even met each others’ friends and families and everyone approved of our union.

And still, I’ve had many anxieties throughout our relationship. Do I like him enough to spend my life with him? Is he exciting enough? Can I be fulfilled sexually by one person forever? Is he too quick to compromise? Am I gay? Am I old enough for a serious relationship?… I’ve always been very anxious and an overthinker, so Tam I self sabotaging something truely amazing?

These fears were often soothed by his physical presence, but not always. Sometimes they would appear during sex or simple moments like eating dinner together. On a few occasions, like on a drive to the store, I would look at him and feel a pang of sadness that “This won’t last.”

He also has his struggles with mental health. Where I’m avoidant, he can be very anxious. Just as he helped me, I do believe I helped him also
I encouraged him to voice his fears, and pushed him to see a GP and therapist. I did my best to soothe him on bad days, encourage him that life will get better. Regaddless, near the end of our relationship, as my anxieties got worse so did his. He became very insecure in our relationship. He’d ask, “Are you happy in this relationship? Do you still love me?” I’d tell him yes, but maybe he sensed something I couldn’t admit to even myself.

The end was very sudden, eventhough I had spent a while thinking about wether to end things or commit. After all, I know a relationship is a choice- you choose to commit. One day he got very sad and needed reassurance, and I broke down in tears. In that moment I felt like we did not have the power to change our cycle: he would feel sad soon again, and it would drain me. I got the ick, and felt like his mother in this moment. I initiated the breakup, and he handled it very sweetly. He was absolutely heartbroken, but he respected my decision.

Initially, I felt great relief. Finally- I don’t have to worry about anyone else’s weaknesses… It’s been exactly one week since we broke up- the longest week of my life. I miss him terribly. I can’t believe I’ve just tossed out the only person who cares about me- surely I must be a masochist! I’ve just given up on my best friend. I’ve just broken my lover’s heart.

After one week of NC (our longest time not speaking in a year), we spoke on the phone. He had a small hope I would take him back. I told him no, I need to be single right now. We talked again later that night, and have plans to see each other in person in one week to exchange things and have dinner together. On that phone call with him, I broke down and he comforted me sweetly. Afterwards, I feel horrible for putting him I’m that position and will try my best to hold it together when we meet in person.

I hope we can be friends, and he said he would like that. However, I believe that soon he will want/ need to go NC to grieve the relationship, and as much as I don’t want, that I know it is best. It will help both him and I process how and why this breakup happened.

This break up has been very confusing because I still do not really know my motivation for ending it. Someone might say “You loved him, but we’re not in love with him” and I’m not sure this is true. I’ve never loved anyone more. Was it simply the wrong time? I do think I need some freedom right now, especially as my graduation is soon, but am I making this decision out of fear or old bad habits? I don’t know. I don’t know what to tell him when he asks for an explanation. I can’t put my finger on it. Deep down, I just felt like I needed to. It didnt seem right to stay in the relationship and not be as committed/ in love/ confident/ whatever-you-want-to-call-it as him. I hold onto the hope that time will tell, and I move forward knowing that I need to work on myself, my inner voice, and my relationships. I never want to hurt someone in this way again.

If the door reopened for a friendship or more between us down the line, that would be beautiful. But more than that, I really do love him and I hope he gets everything he truely wants in life.

And I hope this break up was “worth it”. Thank you for reading my story- subject to change as emotions are high right now.

I hope to update this lost regardless once some time has passed and I have a new perspective. If anyone reads this, I’d love to hear your thoughts <3

To anyone experiencing a similar breakup, wether as the dumper or dumped, I feel for you deeply. I wish I had insight, but our journeys are unique. I do like this advice from my mother: “You take what was good in this relationship, and you find one that is better. Wether it with him, or with someone new.”

Anita,

Thank you very much for reading my story and offering your perspective.

Your thoughts have helped me understand that I may have taken on the unasked responsibility of saving him from his lows.

Life has taught me to seek solutions and take action when faced with an issue. In romance and close friendships, I find it difficult to not feel responsible for other people. I want to apply my “gungho” to their situations, but have often been accused of being cold, impatient or unempathetic in the process.

Your comments also had me reflect on something i hadn’t noticed in myself: I was very hypervigilant that this relationship would turn into an emotionally abusive one, because that is what I am used to. When I sensed weakness or vulnerability in him, I was fearful that would snowball into something unhealthy- where I cannot be happy unless he is. Logically, I know he isn’t that kind of monster, but it is hard to undo my inner child’s distress.

This is just part of the picture, not the whole picture. As you said, I hope some time will bring clarity. Any further remarks are most welcome. Thank you very much.

Dear S:

Like anyone with a history of an abusive home—including myself—trust and vulnerability become deeply complex.

In your relationship, you seemed to have taken on a caretaker role, feeling responsible for your ex’s emotional well-being. When challenges arose, you took initiative in solving them, sometimes to the point of being overly forceful or impatient, as you described wanting to apply your “gung-ho” approach to his struggles.

Here are some possible ways an upbringing can lead to the above:

1) Parentification – When a child has to care for a parent who struggles emotionally, physically or financially, the child learns that love means responsibility and self-sacrifice, rather than mutual support. The child tries to fix the parent, so that the hopefully fixed-parent will finally support the child. This can lead to feeling obligated to “fix” a romantic partner at the expense of one own’s well-being.

2) Inconsistent or Unstable Care – If a parent was unpredictable—affectionate one day, neglectful or cruel the next— the child develops hypervigilance, constantly scanning for signs of instability. This could explain your anxiety about emotional abuse, fearing that vulnerability in your partner could spiral into something harmful (“When I sensed weakness or vulnerability in him, I was fearful that would snowball into something unhealthy”)-

Examples of “weakness” in a parent: one who is struggling with severe anxiety, depression, or mood swings, one who is relying on a child for emotional support, one weaponizing guilt or distress to demand attention and control the child.

Possible destructive outcomes for having a weak parent in the context of romantic relationships: *Feeling trapped in an exhausting caretaker role, *Associating a partner’s insecurity with eventual emotional abuse, *Loss of independence, fearing that a partner’s weakness could consume one’s life, * Control as a survival mechanism –taking charge (taking the gung-ho approach) to prevent harm.

All the above could explain why you felt relief after the breakup, believing that you had freed yourself from he trap of the exhaustive caretaker role, free from fear of abuse, free from hypervigilance, free from “having” to take charge.

I experienced much of this myself—becoming the emotional caretaker for my struggling mother, throwing myself into fixing her with relentless urgency, sacrificing (and forgetting) my own needs in the process. But nothing I did ever fixed her. Worse, when I tried to help, she didn’t just reject my support—she attacked me for even trying, criticizing and shaming me for my efforts. She was undeniably weak in all these ways, yet she never leaned on me for emotional support. Instead, she shut me out, rejecting both my help and me. As a result, my self-esteem was nearly nonexistent.

Only recently did I fully learn the crucial difference between supporting others and the futility of trying to fix them. True support means validating their feelings and recognizing their strengths and resilience, empowering them to address the challenges in their lives, accept the things they cannot change and change the things the can.

Still, at times when I am faced with others’ problems (which I did not create nor added to), I have to remind myself that these problems are not my fault and, ultimately, not my responsibility to solve. Emotionally, life feels much lighter and easier with the caretaker role removed.

I’d love to hear your thoughts—whether anything resonates, challenges your perspective, or adds to your own understanding of your journey. Above all, I hope you find clarity, and that healing unfolds in its own time and way. Wishing you peace as you navigate this chapter.

anita

Hi Anita,

Thank you for reaching out. I’ve been reflecting on the break up, and your words have helped me.

After 2 weeks apart we spent a weekend together to exchange things, talk about the break up and spend time together. There were hugh emotions on both ends. I found myself once again feeling responsible for how he is doing, and it has validated my reason for ending things. He’s a great man and boyfriend in many ways, but not right for me in this phase of life. I’m determined for more fun, self-discovery and when the time is right a more secure relationship.

I’m lonely, because I’ve left my best friend, confidant, and the one person who has made me feel loved. I am also proud of myself for listening to my gut for the first time, and I am hopeful for my future. I still haven’t fully found my “why” to the breakup, but it is becoming clearer with time. I’m currently at peace that I did what I felt was best.

Again, thank you for listening and offering your orspective. I wish you health and happiness.

S

And thank you for your good wishes!