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Recently broke up with my boyfriend, feeling guilty and sad

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  • #90579
    Joe
    Participant

    Heyyy bonnie i have story and i’d like to share it with you to know ur opinion 🙂

    me and my boyfriend have been together for 4, and i really do love him so much, he is an amazing guy. But he revealed to me that he was diagnosed with hypogonadism since he was 10 years old, this means that his boy do not produce sperms nor testosterone, he has been on treatment for 12 years… things got a bit better, his body began to produce sperms but still in low count and with bad shape, also there is a risk that his sexual ability won’t be normal. So despite my HUGE love for him i found it hard for me to continue with the HIGH risk that if we got married we would’nt be happy together..without kids…without a good sexual life, as well as his feeling of inferiority can make him aggressive!
    I don’t know if i made the right choice or not?? and i’m so afraid of the karma
    I need your opinion and supports guys.. i’m in a mess..

    #90580
    Joe
    Participant

    Hello erin i’d like to share my story with u and know ur opinion 🙂

    me and my boyfriend have been together for 4, and i really do love him so much, he is an amazing guy. But he revealed to me that he was diagnosed with hypogonadism since he was 10 years old, this means that his boy do not produce sperms nor testosterone, he has been on treatment for 12 years… things got a bit better, his body began to produce sperms but still in low count and with bad shape, also there is a risk that his sexual ability won’t be normal. So despite my HUGE love for him i found it hard for me to continue with the HIGH risk that if we got married we would’nt be happy together..without kids…without a good sexual life, as well as his feeling of inferiority can make him aggressive!
    I don’t know if i made the right choice or not?? and i’m so afraid of the karma
    I need your opinion and supports guys.. i’m in a mess..

    #100371
    Meowzy
    Participant

    Hello there. I recently broke up with my boyfriend too. We were on a long distance relationship and we were both so happy despite that. The only problem is that he got separated from his wife for more than a year before he met me. We were both inlove with each other that being far away from each other physically did not really matter. My issue was that he is a married man. Although I could see that he is really over his wife, I still felt that something is wrong, if not, something in the future will go wrong. I can feel you when you said that you could not seem to love him back the way he did. It is like you want to say “oh i love you too so much!” But u cannot express it because somewhere in your mind or heart is hesitant about it. You cannot explain it directly but you just have this gut feel that something is lacking. My ex-boy friend was alwayys there for me . He never let me down.he always made me laugh and smile. He always supported me and then I broke up with him. I mah have done the right thing. But all I know is that I feel guilty and sad right now. I just wish we could be friends in the future, just like how you wanted it to be. I may have done the right thing, but I miss him. I just hope this break up will not lead to regret one day. I really hope that I am in the right path.

    #102104
    John
    Participant

    Hello. I am also feeling the same way. It was extremely hard for me to take the decision to break up with someone I love. I didn’t want to hurt her, but I knew that this relationship was not the best one for me nor for her.

    She suffers from depression, and her emotions tend to go up and down. We were together for 2 years and a half, and during that time, I helped her improve a lot with her sickness. She managed to find a great psychiatrist for her, and she improved greatly on her problems. She also made me grow a lot. I was a cold and quiet person, and she made me more affectionate and caring for those that I love.

    However, as the relationship went on, we had to face very difficult moments due to her depression. It was very hard for me, because I have a lot of empathy and I am very sensible. It broke me seeing her feel so bad. Also, during those lows, we tended to question the relationship and have painful discussions. We had already given ourselves 2 chances to try again when one of us was overwhelmed by the relationship. After those discussions, we actually improved our ways and made an effort to be better for one another. However, in retrospective, I see that both of us sometimes valued more the happiness of the other person more than our own. We sacrificed things for the other person to be comfortable. I know that love means that you are able to compromise things for your partner, but I think these efforts took a toll on our personal happiness.

    In the end, when the idea of ending the relationship came to me, I realized that none of us were doing things wrong, we only were really different persons. These differences made the relationship difficult to enjoy fully. She is very antisocial, and I enjoy to hang out with friends frequently. Our sexual appetites did not match. I really enjoy to work, to learn new things and to invest time in my hobbies, making me more distanced and unable to be with her very frequently. She, on the other hand, is more passive and does not actively pursue hobbies or new goals, mainly because she firstly needs to battle her depression and own problems. This also makes her more needing of affection and support, and the fact that she needed me there, and sometimes I wanted to work on my things or invest time in my hobbies, was very stressing for me. I wasn’t able to give her the affection she needed. These differences, added to the fact that I am very sensible to her problems (and often made them my own tough I shouldn’t), made me understand that this wasn’t the right relationship for me. The spark was gone, and I didn’t want to stay with her out of pity, or to stay without giving all my passion to the relationship. I still love her dearly, but fell out of love.

    This has been the most difficult decision of my life. I still care for her deeply, but I know this was the correct thing to do. Delaying my feelings and staying for the wrong reasons would have been very painful for the both of us. I feel very guilty because I was her main support while battling depression, and she was fighting with a strong episode last month. After breaking up, I contacted her doctor and her brother to make sure they could take care of her. I am also sad because the relationship had very good moments and she genuinely wished to become a better person. The guilt and sadness of hurting her are very strong right now. Sometimes I question my choice, but decide to stay strong and stay with it, as it is the better for both of us.

    #102106
    anita
    Participant

    * Dear oseonion:
    Thank you for sharing your experience. You sound reasonable, realistic, seeing the bigger picture. This is a good testimony, as I see it, to effective thinking and resolution over time. The price of ending the relationship, the sadness and guilt about hurting her does not contradict the logic of your decision. Post again, if you’d like.
    anita

    #114599
    Miarbil
    Participant

    I wanna say thanks for all the people who contributed to this cuz it’s been so helpful as I am going thru the same situation. After dating ffor two years, half of it long distance,I was not seeing him as a future partner and all my excitement about the future was gone. i stayed eveventho I was happy because I was scared to hurt him but the stress was unbearable. The worst part is after we broke up he kept begging me and calling me and showing up at my place saying he will change anything for me he kept sending me flowers to work and he even cried on his knees. He was my best friend and I truely love the person he is. I can literally feel the amount of pain I caused him and this breaks my heart. I pray that he will be ok I pray he will find someone who can love him so much. But the guilt is really hard to deal with. I still miss him and I wonder if I made a huge mistake. But I am moving forward because deep down I know I can’t be happy in that relationship.

    #114604
    anita
    Participant

    * Dear mahia:

    Thank you for sharing your experience. You did the right thing knowing deep down, as you wrote, that you can’t happy in that relationship. Taking care of yourself, after all, is your first responsibility, and you fulfilled that responsibility when you ended that relationship .

    anita

    #114806
    bee
    Participant

    I broke up with my boyfriend of 2.5 years a couple days ago and am going through several stages of grief, the most acute being that knowing that whatever he’s feeling is worse than what I’m experiencing. It’s comforting to see I’m not the only one on the internet feeling this way because he is extremely sweet, supportive, thoughtful, and reliable (and naive) and I feel so monstrous knowing that I took him for granted and abandoned him when he’s partially in my country because of me. Breaking up with him was the hardest thing I’d ever done, but I’d been feeling for 1.5 years that things weren’t right and fell out of love the last few months. Because we’re both extremely conflict averse and up until a couple months ago I’ve been in school and unable to manage any external stress or seriously analyze our relationship, we never talked about our problems even though they were obvious from my behavior (I stopped initiating affection, saying ‘I love you’, making him a priority or even even looking forward to seeing him).

    I’m not sure why it stopped working for me though I’ve tried to rationalize it. He is foreign, and arrived in this country almost 3 years ago. While he used to do a lot of social and artistic things in his home country, he hasn’t made that life here- his whole life consisted of his work, computer games, and me (not in an excessively codependent way – he has never expressed jealousy or tried to guilt me into spending time with him). He said that lifestyle satisfied him when I raised the concern near the beginning of the relationship. But later he would tell me that he was occasionally lonely and sometimes thought of what his life would have been like at home. While I’ve tried to hint over the years at him finding hobbies outside his apartment, going to events, or trying to make friends, ultimately nothing has stuck and I have felt for a while that I’m keeping him in my country away from his family and friends; causing him to waste his mid-20’s. And I’ve lost interest in our conversations and his personality because I’m not that interested in computer games.

    As I come to terms with the fact that he might actually move back home and I might never see him again, I’m starting to wonder if I jumped to conclusions and didn’t give him enough of a chance to change. Granted that expectation bothers me because that makes me feel even more responsible for his happiness here than I already do (realizing this made me determined to break up with him in the first place). But I wonder how much of our failure was due to my resentment for his inaction snowballing when it could have been fixed with a conversation. I wonder how people cope with mysteriously falling out of love with people who at the beginning seem like soul mates. And I wonder if our relationship was ruined by the bad timing of me being in school for most of it.

    #114830
    anita
    Participant

    * Dear bee123
    You wrote: “I’d been feeling for 1.5 years that things weren’t right and fell out of love the last few months.”-

    My input is:
    There is a lot of weight in the length of time that you’ve been feeling the way you have.
    He is of course, the one who is responsible to his decision to be living in the country he is living.
    Better to let him go than to now draw him back into a relationship only to later end it again.
    anita

    #114848
    Nessie
    Participant

    I just ended my 2 year relationship with my boyfriend two days ago. I am finding it very hard to deal with the guilt of knowing I have caused him a lot of pain, and I know how upset he probably is right now. From the beginning of our relationship, as we were so young, I had my doubts. Initially I had not been that attracted to him, but with time, I grew to develop a deep caring for him, but I wouldn’t say it was love. I settled for him because he treated me with so much respect, love and kindness- why would you not want to stay with someone so lovely? The spark was missing. No matter how hard I tried in the last 9 months of our relationship, I could not rekindle that spark I used to feel when I was with him.

    It wasn’t until two months ago when we went on a holiday with two other couples, that I realised how truly unhappy I was- and how badly I had started to treat him because of my unhappiness. When they were holding hands, kissing each other- I could barely stand to talk to my boyfriend, and when we did talk- we fought. In our relationship, I had always been the ‘pants’. But I had started feeling a large amount of pressure from this. He would leave me to make every decision, to lead every conversation and when we would fight-even if I was clearly in the wrong- he would be the one apologising. Sooner or later, I began to find his inability to stand up for himself unattractive, as I started to feel like I was becoming his mother, not his girlfriend.

    I don’t regret my decision of breaking it off. But I am finding it hard to deal with the guilt of knowing he is extremely upset right now and he has tried to contact me (I’ve declined all contact because I know it will only prolong both of our pain). Is there any chance of us becoming friends in 6 months? A year? Ever? I still care for him dearly, but I no longer love him, and I haven’t loved him for a long time. All I want is for him to be happy and hopefully find someone later in life who won’t try to change him (as I had tried), someone who cares for him as deeply as he cares for them. I hope he can forgive me one day, but for now- I have to put my feelings first. I stayed in that relationship for too long. I refused to break it off for so long out of fear of hurting him- until I realised I was hurting myself more the longer I stayed in the relationship that wasn’t making me unhappy. How long until the guilt passes? Was completely cutting off all contact with him the right thing to do?

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by Nessie.
    #114852
    anita
    Participant

    * Dear nessie102:

    From my reading of your post, it seems to me that you made the correct decision for you AND for him. You read to me as a reasonable young woman, mature, clear and caring. I hope your guilt passes quickly because I don’t see you being in the wrong. Sure, he got hurt- but you are hurting too: you are feeling guilty and concerned and that is not fun!

    Not prolonging his pain is also a good decision. As far as becoming friends, not for a long time. Maybe much later, not anytime soon.

    anita

    #114869

    You did the right thinng beautiful im oroud of you, on life some people come in and out so we can learn grow together learn from eachother and help eachother, you helped eachother. Hell be ok so will you i knoe honey remember u arent alone and youll be ok, fovus on finding a man you feel righy with. Youre not a bad person for not feeling right with a nice person he wasnt right for u u cant help that. U can keep focusing on what makes u happy daily..ehat u deserve what a beautiful worthy person u deserve of lovr and kindness what u want out of a partner and have faith there id someone out there who will treat u like that but better. Theres 7 billion people how amazingnis this theres silver lining always. I dumped someone before and got dumoed and we lost contact or o had a big heart always and for past two years id reaxh out to pals unblock them on and off on skype write nice message then block them knoeing it didnt feel right it won’t change anything , finally i told my mom and she says these people are not here for a reason will they really care yes kindness messages can provide closure but if they already are not in your life for a long time sometimes theres no possible reconnection or its meant to be this way we can only control us not people who dont wanna or arnent good for our lives anymore, ehat i remind myself is i helped all these peoplr ee had good memories, life goes om we grow ee learn and i hope my story could help u, we all love u u arent alone youll get through this focus on the people u got and on your bliss happiness daily, love u beautiful girl , love Love Leni ♡Livelovelifeleni Positivity&Motivation ♡ give it time to heal youll be ok u survivor u survived things before but trust me if i can get over 2 years of on and off pattrmsn so cnan u you arment alone letting go feels hard but surely one of the most rewarding feelings ever so worth it

    #117395
    Bijay
    Participant

    If you are sad and guilty. There’s no harm in saying sorry to your ex. Here, everyone has commented that you did good by dumping him as you were not happy with him. No doubt happiness count but this also bring another question that what about his happiness? His emotions? his faith and his love? He has not done anything bad to you. He still loves you and is good to you. UpTo some limit I see you selfish too. Sorry to say that.
    I too was dumped by my girlfriend and I kept chasing and saying her that she mean the world to me and we can talk and fix the things which makes you unhappy and she disconnected all means of communication. I was in deep pain but I continued my usual day to day activity and kept sending her emails as that was only way to reach her. It was very tough for me but I didn’t leave the hope as my love was real. She felt my absence after 3 months and asked can I forgive her and forget everything and start a fresh. I said Yes and now I am father of 2 kids. 🙂

    #120686
    Flower
    Participant

    Hi everyone!

    Thank you everyone for posting your stories and I hope each of you were able to overcome with your issues. It’s so refreshing to know that I am not the only one who is going through this since I was starting to think I was being too dramatic, even though I try to talk about this the least possible w my friends cuz I don’t want to tired them w this.
    This is my situation. I was on a long distance relationship for 8 months with this guy who is 8 yrs younger than me, he’s 26 and I’m 34. When we met, he thought I was 25. He didn’t ask me that that day but the next time we texted. He didn’t care about my age and kept communicating literally every single day through text msgs since the second day after we met. We live 4 hrs away from each other. We met up for the second time after a month of meeting and texting (Oh, I forgot to mention we met in FL when we both were on vacay). Obviously it went great and after that everything went well. He is the most caring, sweet and honest person I know. He would say good morning and good nite to me every single day and we would talk so much throughout the day about our days. Of course there was more talking at the beggining of the relationship bc that’s usually what happens when you are getting to know someone. There was great chemistry between us and I grew so attached to him even though I didn’t take him seriously at the beggining bc of the age diff and bc he lives in another state. At the end he won my heart. At times I would ignore him for no real reason and he would still text me good morning even though he knew I woke up two hours ago (he know what time I wake up for work) and would always make sure he said good nite to me. Two weeks before I tried to break up w him bc of the distance and the lack of physical contact was taking a toll on me and he basically begged me not to and reassured me he cares so much about me and he knows it’s hard being 4 hours apart. I felt like a b*** for what I said, I apologized and blah blah blah Two weeks after that I broke up w him again bc when I woke up I already found a text from him w good morning and a pic of him in bed, I responded to him after 30 min of seeing the text and he inmediately said he was gonna go back to sleep. Something in me told me that wasn’t true bc he never says that to me, he always keep the conversation going. I checked his snapchat score and while “he was sleeping” his score kept going up, until it went up 4 points (that means he was sending/receiving pictures. I got so mad bc what kind of pictures a guy could be sending in the morning, on a weekend when he is alone in bed. So I confronted him and he lied to me saying he was just looking at people’s stories ehich could be true but the score doesn’t go up for looking at people’s stories the, he added “Oh i see what you are saying.” I didn’t answer bc I coudn’t believe what I was suspecting it was actually true! The he texted again “you don’t want to see me anymore? Is that what you are trying to say.” He always thought I liked him less than what he liked me. I didn’t answer bc I didn’t want to say something I was regret later but thought he was gonna beg me like the last time again, only thing this time he didn’t. In fact, he didn’t contact me for the whole day until after I texted him in the middle of the night telling him what I thought (that he was exchanging innapropriate pics w someone else) and that I wasn’t good at long distance relationship so we should end this and I wish him good luck. He inmediately replied to me saying “isn’t it better than actually having sex w someone else?” My eyed were literally opened like the emoji w the eyes opened in surprised! He also said that he truly cares about me and he loves talking and being with me. He wishes me good luck and that he hope he can stay friends. WTH! After what he confessed to me he was expecting me to stay friends w him??!! By then I was furious and told him no, we can’s stay friends so he said that I was looking for a reason to get rid of him which is not true, he just felt that way. We argued for a bit and never told me who he was exchanging pictures with. He told me he was deeply hurt for the mean things I said to him cuz he really cares about me (how can I not be mad after what he has confessed to me and he didn’t want to tell me who he was exchanging pics with). He ended really bad and the next day it was the worst day of my life, I felt so bad and I missed him so much, I missed our conversations and his company even through the phone. So Monday morning I couldn’t bear it anymore and I texted him so early in the morning (I couldn’t sleep much) I told him that I hate missing him to what he responded inmediately again saying I am sorry and that he never wanted to hurt me, that he was not seeing anyone (he was having online affairs ://) but he has “needs” and respct too much that’s why he can’t lie to me. Not sure if to believe that last part. He already lied to me, he was gonna keep up w the lie hadn’t I caught him. Anyway, he said he loves everything about me again and I said, just bc I didn’t want to look desperate, if we should just stop w this bc he’s right he said long distance relationships are hard to what he answered “idk, like completely stop talking? I’d like to stay friends.” So we agreed to stay friends even though I don’t know what I was saying/doing at the moment bc I still felt so hurt and everythig was so fresh. He had to go to work and me too so we ended the conversation saying how bad we felt the day before and how much we missed each other. I wasn’t expecting his tect after getting put of work anymore since we stayed friends, whatever that is at that point, but he texted me and I was surprised, but at one pint he said that it seems we have something serious to talk about. I had no idea what else he wanted to say since we already talked in the morning, so before he said anything I said “we already said this morning that we are gonna be friends” to what he agreed and said that LDR are hard and blah blah blah He wanted to stay friends and I said no bc I like him and I can’t be friends w someone I like or at least need a little bit of time to get over him. I said goodbye and he says “don’t say goodbye, this a ttyl or see ya. Then I said I will delete his number and he asked me not to bc we said we will keep in touch. I explained to him that the reason I wanted to do that was bc I didn’t want to have any temptation of texting him, and he said what if he loses his phone bc is not backed up (that was a lil funny) so I said write down somewhere and contact me in december again when I will hopefully feel better after this breakup. We both said i will miss you and those stuff and never talked agter that anymore. It’s been 12 days! It’s not december yet though. What do you guys think? Did I rush w my decision of breaking up w him? AAAAhhh he was suppossed to visit me this weekend (He also said if I still wanted him to come, to which I said no bc that was gonna be hard for me). Also, if he wanted to still be w me he wouldn’t have said we have something serious to talk about and then kinda break up w me for the second time even though I just assumed he was gonna say that. I really don’t have negatives experiences w him except that one thing he was doing online which I really don’t care that much and I even understand that. This thanksgiving holiday I’ll be visiting his state and I don’t know if I should contact him or not, I feel that I have to see him again, I feel that not everyhthing is over between us and that our decision was based on an incdent that could’ve been solved by commucnication. Or, should I just wait and see if he contacts me in December? Sorry, for such a long post but I wanted to tell the details so ou have a better understanding of the situation. Thank you and best of luck to everybody who is going through a rough patch w their SO.

    #120688
    anita
    Participant

    Dear life:

    You grew attached to this guy. Florida is a big state. If in a few days you will happen to be really close to his location, why don’t you meet him in a coffee house for a conversation. Just a conversation. Ask him questions, for information. You can prepare the questions ahead of time. Ask him about his online xrated activities- those may be a habit that, even if you lived with him, he may continue, it being a habit. Ask. Listen.

    Don’t rush into any decisions, gather information. Then take the information back home with you and figure it out later.

    anita

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