May 27, 2020 at 9:28 am #357004anitaParticipant
* Dear Racquel:
you addressed your post to M who posted last On July 1, 2014, close to four years ago. I hope M answers you, but often members do not return to their threads after so much time. If you would like my response (and perhaps other members’ responses as well), please indicate so and I will be glad to reply to you further.
June 12, 2020 at 8:16 am #358266LeanParticipant
- This reply was modified 1 month, 1 week ago by anita.
I wanted to respond with my story, but I’m sad to see all the responders are from years ago so I feel a little bit alone. But I’m hoping someone will see this. A year ago in July, I was at my permit test (yes I am young, but please don’t let that take away of how serious it is I feel) and my boyfriend surprised me with flowers at the dmv. My mom said I could go spend time with him and at that time it’s been 6 months with him. We hung out in his car and we were going to do the deed, but I wasn’t as aroused. (Which has been happening a lot and I found out it was because of my birth control) He looked sad because he thought I wasn’t attracted to him anymore. I told him it’s not his fault and I just don’t know why I haven’t been in the mood lately. As we sat there in the car I began to cry and I suddenly felt and extreme dread inside me and I thought “what if I don’t love him anymore?” And after he took me home I felt EXTREMELY sick and I was crying and panicking and that led to an extreme downhill spiral. I was so worried because I loved him more than anything and I wanted to spend my life with him he treats me unlike any other guy I have seen or met. So a week passes and I couldn’t shake the feeling. I told him how I was feeling and his heart broke, but he said we could get through this. Months go by with endless doctors appointments and yet he was supportive of any decision I made, all he worried about was my health. Everyday I would cry and soon I became extremely depressed and suicidal and I was afraid to get better in fear of my feelings not coming back. I had times where I felt hopeful and like I felt the love, but they didn’t last long. Soon school started again (he had graduated and I was in senior year) I cried in school a lot. Overtime for some reason I got better and fell back in love with him and I was happy, but I could never shake the thoughts of “I don’t know if he’s going to be the one I marry” “maybe there is someone better” then quarantine began and at first everything was okay and we were good although we couldn’t talk as much I was okay with it because I know we were both occupied. The past week though it came back and in full force. I feel extremely numb and I think I just need to break up with him, but I just can’t. I’m so angry and I don’t understand why this ever happened. I can’t stay with him, but I also don’t want to be without him. I’ve told him that these feelings are resurfacing and that I’m becoming depressed again and he’s always pushing me to heal and get out of this depression, but I don’t want to. He’s still so optimistic and I can’t help, but feel like I deserve to suffer for all the good things he’s done For me and how much I put him through. Thinking of everything that’s going to change and the fact that he is my best friend and I don’t have anyone else I’m close to. He still loves me so much and I feel like I deserve to suffer for putting him through so much. I try to keep hope and think that we’re still young so maybe we have some growing to do on our own and maybe in the future we can join together again even better, but right now I can’t think of being with anybody. If we don’t end up getting back together again I don’t think I can be with anyone else. I get sick thinking of being with anyone else besides him. I haven’t done it yet, but I’m so nervous I don’t want him to leave my life. I pray everyday that he find someone better and that he can get over me even if it hurts and I am alone. I care for him a lot. And I feel as if I cannot allow myself to be happy unless he is. I’ve just became extremely depressed again and I’d rather not exist than to feel what I’m feeling and to make him feel horrible.
June 12, 2020 at 10:45 am #358388anitaParticipant
- This reply was modified 3 weeks, 3 days ago by tinybuddha.
You shared that you are a senior in high school. You have a boyfriend beginning in January 2019. In July 2019, after he surprised you with flowers at the DMV (Department of Motor Vehicles), you spent time in his car but you didn’t feel aroused by him. Next, the following happened: “suddenly felt an extreme dread inside me and I thought ‘what if I don’t love him anymore?’.. felt ETREMELY sick and I was crying and panicking.. a week passes and I couldn’t shake the feeling… Months go by with endless doctors appointments.. Everyday I would cry and soon I became extremely depressed and suicidal”.
Sometime after school started, 12th grade, you “got better and fell back in love with him and I was happy, but I could never shake the thoughts of ‘I don’t know if he’s going to be the one I marry’, ‘maybe there is someone better’ then quarantine began and at first everything was okay.. The past week though it came back and in full force. I feel extremely numb and I think I just need to break up with him, but I just can’t… I feel like I deserve to suffer for putting him through so much.. I get sick thinking of being with anyone else besides him.. I’ve just became extremely depressed again and I’d rather not exist than to feel what I’m feeling and to make him feel horrible”.
My thoughts: what you described that you felt in the car almost a year ago is severe anxiety, and that anxiety kept happening on and off for 11 months, recently it became more intense. You’ve been focused on questions such as whether you love him or not, whether you want to marry him or not, etc., but the issue is not these questions but the anxiety. Feeling guilty about hurting him is adding to your anxiety.
I want to understand your situation better, therefore I ask:
1. You mentioned having gone to “endless doctors appointments”- what kinds of doctors were those (any of them a psychiatrist?), and what were the results of those appointments?
2. Did you attend psychotherapy or counseling in the last 11 months?
3. I imagine you shared with your boyfriend about your guilt regarding hurting his feelings. If you did, what did he say in response, and did he ever express to you that he will feel very badly if you leave him?