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Recently broke up with my boyfriend, feeling guilty and sad

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  • #357004
    Anonymous
    Guest

    * Dear Racquel:

    you addressed your post to M who posted last On July 1, 2014, close to four years ago. I hope M answers you, but often members do not return to their threads after so much time. If you would like my response (and perhaps other members’ responses as well), please indicate so and I will be glad to reply to you further.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 4 years ago by .
    #358266
    Lean
    Participant

    I wanted to respond with my story, but I’m sad to see all the responders are from years ago so I feel a little bit alone. But I’m hoping someone will see this. A year ago in July, I was at my permit test (yes I am young, but please don’t let that take away of how serious it is I feel) and my boyfriend surprised me with flowers at the dmv. My mom said I could go spend time with him and at that time it’s been 6 months with him. We hung out in his car and we were going to do the deed, but I wasn’t as aroused. (Which has been happening a lot and I found out it was because of my birth control) He looked sad because he thought I wasn’t attracted to him anymore. I told him it’s not his fault and I just don’t know why I haven’t been in the mood lately. As we sat there in the car I began to cry and I suddenly felt and extreme dread inside me and I thought “what if I don’t love him anymore?” And after he took me home I felt EXTREMELY sick and I was crying and panicking and that led to an extreme downhill spiral. I was so worried because I loved him more than anything and I wanted to spend my life with him he treats me unlike any other guy I have seen or met. So a week passes and I couldn’t shake the feeling. I told him how I was feeling and his heart broke, but he said we could get through this. Months go by with endless doctors appointments and yet he was supportive of any decision I made, all he worried about was my health. Everyday I would cry and soon I became extremely depressed and suicidal and I was afraid to get better in fear of my feelings not coming back. I had times where I felt hopeful and like I felt the love, but they didn’t last long. Soon school started again (he had graduated and I was in senior year) I cried in school a lot. Overtime for some reason I got better and fell back in love with him and I was happy, but I could never shake the thoughts of “I don’t know if he’s going to be the one I marry” “maybe there is someone better” then quarantine began and at first everything was okay and we were good although we couldn’t talk as much I was okay with it because I know we were both occupied. The past week though it came back and in full force. I feel extremely numb and I think I just need to break up with him, but I just can’t. I’m so angry and I don’t understand why this ever happened. I can’t stay with him, but I also don’t want to be without him. I’ve told him that these feelings are resurfacing and that I’m becoming depressed again and he’s always pushing me to heal and get out of this depression, but I don’t want to. He’s still so optimistic and I can’t help, but feel like I deserve to suffer for all the good things he’s done For me and how much I put him through. Thinking of everything that’s going to change and the fact that he is my best friend and I don’t have anyone else I’m close to. He still loves me so much and I feel like I deserve to suffer for putting him through so much. I try to keep hope and think that we’re still young so maybe we have some growing to do on our own and maybe in the future we can join together again even better, but right now I can’t think of being with anybody. If we don’t end up getting back together again I don’t think I can be with anyone else. I get sick thinking of being with anyone else besides him. I haven’t done it yet, but I’m so nervous I don’t want him to leave my life. I pray everyday that he find someone better and that he can get over me even if it hurts and I am alone. I care for him a lot. And I feel as if I cannot allow myself to be happy unless he is. I’ve just became extremely depressed again and I’d rather not exist than to feel what I’m feeling and to make him feel horrible.

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by tinybuddha.
    #358388
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lean:

    You shared that you are a senior in high school. You have a boyfriend beginning in January 2019. In July 2019, after he surprised you with flowers at the DMV (Department of Motor Vehicles), you spent time in his car but you didn’t feel aroused by him. Next, the following happened: “suddenly felt an extreme dread inside me and I thought ‘what if I don’t love him anymore?’.. felt ETREMELY sick and I was crying and panicking.. a week passes and I couldn’t shake the feeling… Months go by with endless doctors appointments.. Everyday I would cry and soon I became extremely depressed and suicidal”.

    Sometime after school started, 12th grade, you “got better and fell back in love with him and I was happy, but I could never shake the thoughts of ‘I don’t know if he’s going to be the one I marry’, ‘maybe there is someone better’ then quarantine began and at first everything was okay.. The past week though it came back and in full force. I feel extremely numb and I think I just need to break up with him, but I just can’t… I feel like I deserve to suffer for putting him through so much.. I get sick thinking of  being with anyone else besides him.. I’ve just became extremely depressed again and I’d rather not exist than to feel what I’m feeling and to make him feel horrible”.

    My thoughts: what you described that you felt in the car almost a year ago is severe anxiety, and that anxiety kept happening on and off for 11 months, recently it became more intense. You’ve been focused on questions such as whether you love him or not, whether you want to marry him or not, etc., but the issue is not these questions but the anxiety. Feeling guilty about hurting him is adding to your anxiety.

    I want to understand your situation better, therefore I ask:

    1. You mentioned having gone to “endless doctors appointments”- what kinds of doctors were those (any of them a psychiatrist?), and what were the results of those appointments?

    2. Did you attend psychotherapy or counseling in the last 11 months?

    3. I imagine you shared with your boyfriend about your guilt regarding hurting his feelings. If you did, what did he say in response, and did he ever express to you that he will feel very badly if you leave him?

    anita

    #358601
    RAY
    Participant

    As we all know Breaking up with someone, is a very bad phase of our Life.

    And we all have to go through that Phase today or someday of our Life.

    So here is a list of Some Best Motivational Broken Heart Quotes, which will Heal your Heart & help you Move On In Your Life:-

    1. If I could show you how awful you made me feel, you would never be able to look me in the eyes again.
    2. Learning how to leave people alone & go on with your life is a needed skill. You must master it….
    3. When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
    4. The past can’t hurt you anymore, not unless you let it.
    5. I am not AFRAID to Walk the World ALONE
    6. Love that remains longest in your heart is the one that is not returned.
    7. I gave you my heart, I just didn’t expect to get it back in pieces.
    8. This time I wouldn’t forget him, because I couldn’t ever forgive him – for breaking my heart twice.

     

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by tinybuddha.
    • This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by tinybuddha.
    #368134
    T
    Participant

    @m @erin & @blaice THANK YOU! I needed to hear/read all of this. @M I dont even need to share my experience because i feel exactly how you’re feeling. I feel terrible, i feel as if i betrayed him, us and what we had. you literally question everything, but i had been feeling this way for months and made a pro/con list, wrote down what i had wanted and understood that it wasnt fair for me to keep going forward whilst feeling doubts. i have been pretty much been un-emotional my whole life and this was mine and his first relationship because we only wanted to get into one if it was serious. @blaice i needed to hear this because youre right its selfish of me to prove that i care and i felt bad because thats only benefitting me – i knew this but hearing it from your perspective (as you were on the other side) was needed. its only been a couple of days since its happened so i am learning that it is going to take time. i am trying to be patient and focus on myself but i feel like a bitch and also have been doubting my ability to be emotionally available to anyone. i wish he was the right guy, and as its my only relationship i have nothing to compare it to. its like a horrible unknown – but i have read a lot of people’s feedback and understand and trust my body and feelings (writing it and doing it very different and i havent gotten round to truly believing it yet but i am trying to be patient) that if it was right then i wouldnt have made this decision or if we truly want to be together some time down the line whether its 1 year or 10years i would fight to get him back – i cant remember who wrote this above but its true sometimes timings just dont match up i guess. its the most hardest thing ive ever had to do and worst feeling – i am randomly crying everyday, feeling numb other times, barely eating But finally did some exercise today and it did help a little. it was not amicable break up and we havent even properly spoken about it which i know is making this harder for both of us but hes too angry and feeling betrayed atm so we cant event talk it out, hopefully one day we can i just dont want him being unable to trust a woman again because of me. i hope that this was the best decision (it literally makes you question all your decision making in life and with people) and am trying to keep busy . hes such a nice guy i want him to be okay.

    #424955
    Mercury
    Participant

    I have just told my boyfriend of a year that I needed a break to think about our relationship and if it’s gonna work. I have this problem of not understanding my own emotions until it’s very late… Until he read it from my body language and the expressions of my face. We both graduated and things just didn’t feel the same anymore and I was growing uncertain of our future together and if there ever could be one. I wanted to be alone. That was just it, I wanted to be alone cause our dates felt like work and I felt constantly on surveillance with how he accurately read everything my body displayed. He is the most loving person I’ve ever met. He loves me so much and I know that for a fact so when I finally met with him after 12 days of asking for a break and telling him I need more time so I can be absolutely sure about my feelings so I won’t cause any of us regrets in the future and when he started telling me how much he loves, how I was his only source of hope and why he was looking forward for the future how he wanted to marry me how we could never love anyone else how he’d imagined we’d last forever how all he’s been doing was to have a good life with me and when he said all this over and over fighting off tears…. I felt wretched! I felt so dirty and so cruel and heartless. Why did I start this whole thing if I was gonna be like this in the end?? I couldn’t bear the pain of causing HIM pain! But I was unhappy too. Our conversations were dull and strained, I had to always order coffee or soda to save money and not stress him out either since he’s also a fresh graduate with a job that pays so little! We weren’t in that comfortable-talk-nonsense-leave-satisfied kind of relationship… We never had that. Since the very start I was the one coming up with topics to talk about but somehow he seemed absolutely fine with our dates as long as I was there. But I wasn’t. And he read it off my face which stressed me even more. I broke out crying in the middle of the road after I hurriedly left the cafe when he said all those things and my mind went numb. He came and hugged me and I just sobbed like a baby. I wanted to die.

    I told my father today about it after my mom insisted about asking my father’s advice and he immediately told me to pray and repent for ruining this man’s life for dragging him into this and not seeing this to the end. For being like my aunt who married a man who constantly abuses her when she rejected another guy who loves her so much. Who cried about her since he was very heartbroken. He asked how I’m any different from any heathen girl. What are my reasons for wanting to leave him? Did I just not like him anymore? That’s it??? I just stared at him with no answer and just said goodnight and left their bedroom. I fear God will punish me for breaking his heart and I’m entertaining the idea of staying in the relationship anyway and just seeing how it goes… I’m also thinking about leaving early in the morning tomorrow to go somewhere where I can be alone, we have church tomorrow and they’ll probably kill me especially mom but I can not be with them like this.

    I don’t know what to do.

    #424965
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Mercury:

    (I am adding the boldface feature to the quotes): “He is the most loving person I’ve ever met. He loves me so much and I know that for a fact so when I finally met with him after 12 days of asking for a break and telling him I need more time… he started telling me how much he loves, how I was his only source of hope, and why he was looking forward for the future, how he wanted to marry me, how we could never love anyone else, how he’d imagined we’d last forever, how all he’s been doing was to have a good life with me, and when he said all this over and over fighting off tears…. I felt wretched! I felt so dirty and so cruel and heartless….I wanted to die“-

    -Love doesn’t cause the supposed loved-one (you) to feel wretched, dirty, cruel, heartless and wanting to die. Guilt-tripping does that, not love.

    Here is how a loving reaction would have sounded like, coming from him, 12 days after you asked for a break and telling him that you need more time (him saying something like this): I understand that you’ve been unhappy with me for a long time, and that it took courage on your part to ask for a break. Thank you for doing the right thing for yourself, asking for this break and for more time. I am sad to be away from you, but I will be okay. It is my job to be okay, and it is your job is to make yourself okay. If a longer break or even a breakup is what it takes for you to be okay, then that’s what it takes.

    “I told my father today about it after my mom insisted about asking my father’s advice and he immediately told me to pray and repent for ruining this man’s life for dragging him into this and not seeing this to the end… He asked how I’m any different from any heathen girl. What are my reasons for wanting to leave him?”-

    – this is guilt tripping coming from your father. What a shame! As far as your reasons for wanting to leave the guy: you have the right, legal and otherwise, to leave a boyfriend (with whom you have no children and no marriage) for whatever reason.

    “I fear God will punish me for breaking his heart”- no wonder you fear God will punish you after your (ex?) boyfriend and your father inflicted the Guilt Tripping Punishment (GTP) on you.

    and I’m entertaining the idea of staying in the relationship anyway… I don’t know what to do“- don’t give in and volunteer to suffer further from the GTP that was unfairly and unkindly inflicted on you. It is not a sin to end a relationship with a man you are NOT married with: nowhere in the bible does it state that it’s a sin.. does it?

    anita

    #427513
    Sina
    Participant

    I’m in the same situation , the breakup was yesterday. After almost 3 years. My heart aches.

    Lease tell me it gets better

    We probably never will be friends. How did it work out for you? Did you just forget what’s missing after some month or years?

    Lease tell me it gets better.

    #427516
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sina:

    The OP in this thread posted three times June 29-July 1, 2014. Her situation that you identify with (“I’m in the same situation“) is that she broke up with her boyfriend of 1 year, a man she thought highly of, a “closest friend“, a man she thought would’ve been an amazing husband and father- because she didn’t feel excited about a life with him as a romantic partner, she felt claustrophobic within the relationship and wanted freedom. After wrestling with herself for a few months, she broke up with him. At first, she felt empowered but then she felt guilty for having hurt his feelings, doubtful about whether she did the right thing, angry and then sad that he didn’t want to remain friends.. and eventually (in her 3rd post) she felt okay with her decision to break up with him.

    This is what she wrote on July 1, 2014 (I don’t think you read her 3rd and last post): “I miss both the companionship aspect of the relationship and him, I think, but I’m sure it would be easier if I had more to do to keep busy on weekends… I do feel like I loved him as a friend (and I do love my friends!) but obviously there are different kinds of love, and sometimes that is just not enough…. I’m feeling a lot more settled about it today“-

    – In your post today (Feb 2, 2024), Sina, you asked: “Please tell me it gets better“. M answered you almost 10 years ago: yes, it gets better. For her it got better on the 3rd day of her thread. Please post again, if it helps.

    anita

    #427705
    alette
    Participant

    I really understand what you feel, I would like to share my story as I am facing a potential break up today. My guy of two years on  one month ago told me that he is not feeling the same way anymore, we have the most perfect relationship that when i try to figure out what might have happened, i still do not understand.  I tred to ask him what brought the problem he said it nothing his feelings are not just the same and he feels like we should break up as he doesn’t want a recurrence in the future. We agreed to work out for a moth on the connection he said there is an improvement but not enough, i tried to talk with him but he said he need some space to navigate through his feelings which we did a two week break. The  two weeks is now over but he has already told me there is no way to save our relationship. We agreed to meet for a dialogue, but i guess i know deep down what is going to happen but still in denial. Seeing all of you go through something similar is giving hope, but i don’t know if i will be able to handle the breakup well. My Heart is already heavy

    #427712
    anita
    Participant

    Dear alette:

    We have the most perfect relationship that when I try to figure out what might have happened, I still do not understand.  I tried to ask him what brought the problem he said it nothing his feelings are not just the same“-

    – Reads like you are facing a probable breakup today, and reads like he will not explain himself more than saying that he doesn’t have the same feelings for you anymore. I am sorry…

    I wonder, by saying that the relationship was perfect.. what do you mean by perfect?

    I don’t know if I will be able to handle the breakup well. My Heart is already heavy“- maybe if you prepare for the meeting with him, prepared you will handle the probable breakup better…?

    anita

     

    #427717
    alette
    Participant

    By perfect I mean, We really never had a heated argument. We always try to solve the problem immediately, I felt at home when I am with him and very peaceful. We used to spend alot of time together, share ideas, go out with friends. I really felt this was where I belonged and currently is like am hitting a hard rock. You are right he doesn’t want to explain anything but I need answers for me to move on, and I feel this type of rejection is driving me crazy.

    I try to compose myself but we have really never actually talked seriously about what is happening to us now.

    I prepared for the meeting but he postponed, and when I told him it’s gonna be a long talk he simply said “no it’s not”. Why can’t we just hear each other out?

     

     

    #427722
    anita
    Participant

    Dear allette:

    I’ll reply Sun morning (It is Sar evening here). If you have any idea what he meant by “no, it’s not”- please add that info. Be back to you in the morning!

    anita

    #427733
    anita
    Participant

    Dear allette:

    I hope that you are feeling better today..?

    You shared that you’ve been in a relationship with your boyfriend for 2 years. A month ago, he told you “that he is not feeling the same way anymore“. You asked him “what brought the problem“?, and “he said it (is) nothing, his feelings are not just the same, and he feels like we should break up as he doesn’t want a recurrence in the future“.

    The two of you then agreed “to work out for a month on the connection“,  and the result, 2 weeks later: “he said there is an improvement but not enough… he said he need some space to navigate through his feelings“.

    The two of you then took a 2-weeks break, which ended yesterday (Sat, Feb 10), when he told you that “there is no way to save our relationship“. The two of you agreed “to meet for a dialogue“, but he postponed meeting you, and by yesterday afternoon (your 2nd post), you did not meet for a dialogue, “he doesn’t want to explain anything… we have really never actually talked seriously about what is happening to us now“.

    I will be trying to bring up possibilities in the following quotes & comments as to what’s been happening in your relationship. These are only possibilities based on the little information that you provided in only 2 posts:

    When I told him it’s gonna be a long talk, he simply said ‘no it’s not‘. Why can’t we just hear each other out?“- you did not ask or suggest to him that the two of you will have a talk, and a long talk at that.. you told him. And like a child who does not like to be told what to do/ to be bossed around, he said: NO, IT’S NOT (going to be a long talk)..?

    We have the most perfect relationship…   By perfect I mean, We really never had a heated argument. We always try to solve the problem immediately“- there were arguments (although not heated arguments). I wonder how those arguments were resolved and if they were resolved to his satisfaction. Maybe some heat built up in him during many (?) not quite resolved arguments, and that heat caused him to end the relationship eventually.

    Maybe he is and has been a selfish, heartless man who does not care about most or all other people, including about his girlfriend of 2 years. Maybe he felt powerless in the relationship (for valid and/ or invalid reasons) and wants his power back…?

    anita

     

    #427751
    alette
    Participant

    Personally I wish i was feeling at all better, but it’s not. When he said no it’s not, it was the talk that he didn’t want. And we had agreed two weeks before when we had given each other a two week break that we are going to have this conversation since he was avoiding it. Our arguments have never been serious and we usually resolve immediately and they were rare, we have only argued like 4 times in our two year relationship. We had this thing that we should not go to bed while angry at each other. And the main reason  why he wants us to break up he does not give it clearly. And when I want a conversation with him he avoids me. I feel very sad right now since we didn’t even have a disagreement before he said whatever he was feeling, and here i am having a blurry vision since I don’t know what really happened to my relationship. I know maybe he has already made up his mind, but i believe that the relationship started when we were two and at some point i feel we should have this conversation for both of us to reach a common ground. Maybe then i would understand him more, and also maybe he would understand my point of view too.

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