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Recently broke up with my boyfriend, feeling guilty and sad

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Viewing 9 posts - 76 through 84 (of 84 total)
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  • #427753
    anita
    Participant

    Dear alette:

    When he said no it’s not, it was the talk that he didn’t want… avoiding it… And the main reason, why he wants us to break up, he does not give it clearly“-

    From relationship hero/ blog/ sudden breakup without explanation: “Being broken up with…  can be extremely heartbreaking but also very confusing. This confusion often gets even worse if your ex didn’t give any reason for breaking up – no reason, no explanation. You’re left in a state of confusion and anxiety, constantly stuck trying to analyze and figure out why the breakup happened. It can even make the person angry about not getting a proper resolution from their ex…

    “Sometimes people don’t or can’t give a reason because they can’t bring themselves to be completely honest. They’re worried that they might hurt you or that it might cause a blowup that they’d just rather avoid. Breakups are often messy after all. If you ever noticed in the past that they had a slightly avoidant nature, that may have also carried over to the breakup conversation. The important takeaway is that they do have a reason, it’s just not being expressed.
    <p class=”P-dZAPMR enaUMN”>”They don’t want the breakup to be any more painful than it already is. So they avoid sharing their real reason. Conversely, this can make things more difficult for the other person, because it creates a lack of closure. It’s understandable that one feels angry at their ex for not properly explaining their reasons behind breaking up. Some would even call it unfair…</p>
    “Pushing them to explain their reason(s) will not help to win them back or even reconnect with them. If they’re unable to talk about how they feel, that is just how it is. They may not fully understand it themselves. Everyone has their own emotions and conditioning that drives their behavior, and it’s often not done with complete awareness. Pushing your ex for the clarity will only drive them further away. In this situation, we recommend a no contact period. Give them space from whatever triggered the breakup, and time for you to focus on you.
    <p class=”P-dZAPMR enaUMN”>”During this time, it’s important to maintain focus on you and not on what motivated them to break up in the first place. Staying fixated on the ‘why’ will not help you, and will most likely just hurt your progress. This isn’t to say that one shouldn’t try to figure out why the breakup happened. Especially if the goal is to reconnect with them or to try and win them back. But it’s important to not fixate on it and especially important to not pressure the ex for an explanation.”-</p>
    – This reads like valuable advice to me, is it to you?

    Back to what you shared: “Our arguments have never been serious and we usually resolve immediately and they were rare, we have only argued like 4 times in our two year relationship. We had this thing that we should not go to bed while angry at each other“- do you think, having known him for so long, that he generally avoids conflict with people, in which case, maybe it’s not that arguments were resolved on his end, but rather avoided?

    anita

    #427754
    anita
    Participant

    Resubmitted (to clear excess print):

    Dear alette:

    When he said no it’s not, it was the talk that he didn’t want… avoiding it… And the main reason, why he wants us to break up, he does not give it clearly“-

    From relationship hero/ blog/ sudden breakup without explanation: “Being broken up with…  can be extremely heartbreaking but also very confusing. This confusion often gets even worse if your ex didn’t give any reason for breaking up – no reason, no explanation. You’re left in a state of confusion and anxiety, constantly stuck trying to analyze and figure out why the breakup happened. It can even make the person angry about not getting a proper resolution from their ex…

    “Sometimes people don’t or can’t give a reason because they can’t bring themselves to be completely honest. They’re worried that they might hurt you or that it might cause a blowup that they’d just rather avoid. Breakups are often messy after all. If you ever noticed in the past that they had a slightly avoidant nature, that may have also carried over to the breakup conversation. The important takeaway is that they do have a reason, it’s just not being expressed.

    ”They don’t want the breakup to be any more painful than it already is. So they avoid sharing their real reason. Conversely, this can make things more difficult for the other person, because it creates a lack of closure. It’s understandable that one feels angry at their ex for not properly explaining their reasons behind breaking up. Some would even call it unfair…

    “Pushing them to explain their reason(s) will not help to win them back or even reconnect with them. If they’re unable to talk about how they feel, that is just how it is. They may not fully understand it themselves. Everyone has their own emotions and conditioning that drives their behavior, and it’s often not done with complete awareness. Pushing your ex for the clarity will only drive them further away. In this situation, we recommend a no contact period. Give them space from whatever triggered the breakup, and time for you to focus on you.

    ”During this time, it’s important to maintain focus on you and not on what motivated them to break up in the first place. Staying fixated on the ‘why’ will not help you, and will most likely just hurt your progress. This isn’t to say that one shouldn’t try to figure out why the breakup happened. Especially if the goal is to reconnect with them or to try and win them back. But it’s important to not fixate on it and especially important to not pressure the ex for an explanation.”-

    – This reads like valuable advice to me, is it to you?

    Back to what you shared: “Our arguments have never been serious and we usually resolve immediately and they were rare, we have only argued like 4 times in our two year relationship. We had this thing that we should not go to bed while angry at each other“- do you think, having known him for so long, that he generally avoids conflict with people, in which case, maybe it’s not that arguments were resolved on his end, but rather avoided?

    anita

    #427757
    anita
    Participant

    Dear allette/ reader:

    These are quotes from posts submitted in this thread through time, in regard to reasons for people breaking up:

    “I just felt that something was missing.. He is the type of guy I should feel thrilled to marry, and I know that he would be an amazing husband and father, but I just knew it wasn’t fair to him that I wasn’t feeling it 100%… as much as I wanted to be happy in a relationship, I just wasn’t. I started feeling claustrophobic and wanting freedom” (M, June, 2014)

    “I thought about breaking up with him for a long, long time but could never get the guts to do it until yesterday, when something in me just clicked, I felt like such a chicken sh*t for not being able to say that I did not want him anymore, so I just said it, and it was horrible. I feel like the worst person ever, especially because it was also a holiday and he brought me a gift and flowers” (Ariana m, March 2015).

    “For the past 6 months, he has been detached and passive about the relationship. I tried everything in my power to revive him from what I thought was a phase. I asked him numerous times whether he knew why he was acting that way and if there was anything I needed to know, or that I could do to which he always replied that he didn’t/there isn’t. I eventually.. confronted him about not wanting to be in the relationship and that although he hasn’t expressly told me, his actions show me so. He couldn’t pretend anymore and finally admitted it. He said that he hadn’t known how to tell me but he doesn’t want to be in any relationship right now… It turns out that he’s known that he did not want to be in the relationship any longer for 6 months but could not communicate that to me out of fear of disappointing me… He simply withdrew emotionally from the relationship and left me to connect the dots on my own” (Bonni_mor, May 2015)

    “It was extremely hard for me to take the decision to break up with someone I love. I didn’t want to hurt her, but I knew that this relationship was not the best one for me nor for her. She suffers from depression… we had to face very difficult moments due to her depression. It was very hard for me… I am very sensible to her problems (and often made them my own tough I shouldn’t), made me understand that this wasn’t the right relationship for me. The spark was gone, and I didn’t want to stay with her out of pity.. I still love her dearly, but fell out of love” (John, April 2016)

    “Breaking up with him was the hardest thing I’d ever done, but I’d been feeling for 1.5 years that things weren’t right and fell out of love the last few months. Because we’re both extremely conflict averse… we never talked about our problems even though they were obvious from my behavior (I stopped initiating affection, saying ‘I love you’, making him a priority or even looking forward to seeing him)” (bee, Sept 2016)

    “I settled for him because he treated me with so much respect, love and kindness- why would you not want to stay with someone so lovely? The spark was missing. No matter how hard I tried in the last 9 months of our relationship, I could not rekindle that spark I used to feel when I was with him… In our relationship, I had always been the ‘pants’…He would leave me to make every decision, to lead every conversation and when we would fight-even if I was clearly in the wrong- he would be the one apologising. Sooner or later, I began to find his inability to stand up for himself unattractive, as I started to feel like I was becoming his mother, not his girlfriend” (Nessie, Sept 2016)

    “The reason I ended it was because for over a year I’d been begging him to get his life sorted. He didn’t have a job and spent his days either with me or when I was working, playing video games. I was mothering him so much, that all my friends joked that he should have got me a mothers day card! By the end my feelings of being in love were fading, I felt like I tried so hard. He also lives an hour away and doesn’t drive, so I was forever travelling up there” (H, July 2018)

    “The problem is, I’m so unsure of what I want in life…he makes me feel like a princess, he makes me feel safe, and he absolutely makes me feel so loved. I felt like I wanted to explore the world more, I wanted to be young and careless and have fun…I have struggled with severe depression all my life… I don’t know if I’m really unsure about him, or if it’s just my whole life I’m unsure about” (Sage, Aug 2018)

    “Just broke up with my boyfriend. We were together for 4 years and 8 months. At first, everything was wonderful… After about two years, I started to lose feelings for him… Whenever he would mention about moving in or getting married, I would feel terrified and claustrophobic… I said, I love you but the feelings weren’t there… What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I just move in or get married like other people. Why do I feel like I do?” (Racquel, May 2020).

    anita

    #427790
    alette
    Participant

    Hey Anita, today I feel rather better as i have been thinking about it, and I feel I should focus on other priorities and myself too, You have been really helpful and I think I read all quotes and by giving my story I feel better, considering you always give feedback .

    #427794
    anita
    Participant

    Dear alette:

    So good to read that you feel better (at least, you did 5 hours ago, when you submitted your recent post)! There will be ups and downs, but as long as there is an overall progress in how you feel, that’s a good thing. You are welcome to post again anytime you feel like it, and I will continue to give you feedback.

    anita

    #427867
    alette
    Participant

    Hey Anita, for a week I thought I have been okay, i listen to motivation, and even read articles concerning break up so that it can boost my everyday functionality. At some point i even forgot about him in a while by keeping myself busy. So today he called me , i thought maybe he wanted to talk, but unfortunately he wanted to know if am at home so that he could drop my stuffs, but I have been at work. I think i am not ready to receive my things and i still hope that one of this days he will want to talk. I feel like i am breaking again.

    #427869
    anita
    Participant

    Dear alette:

    I am sorry that you feel like you are breaking again! It seems to me that he is selfish, that you deserve an explanation for why he broke up a 2-year relationship with you; you asked for an explanation and he refuses to give it to you. He feels better not giving you an explanation, and seems like he doesn’t care that you feel worse for not being given an explanation. I am guessing that you didn’t notice him being selfish during the relationship?

    For a week I thought I have been okay…  today he called me , I thought maybe he wanted to talk, but unfortunately he wanted to know if am at home so that he could drop my stuffs… I feel like I am breaking again“- I think that it is your hope that he wanted to talk followed by the disappointment about him not wanting to talk, that re-opened your breakup wound. It’d be way better for you to not hope again and then, disappointed again, so that the wound can heal. How do you feel about his seeming lack of empathy for you, in not giving you an explanation?

    anita

    #427907
    alette
    Participant

    Hey Anita, Him not willing to communicate with me is what is breaking me, I want both of us to reach a point of understanding, because currently that is what is missing, communication and understanding. I may find out that the problem can be fixed or solve but communication is killing it.

    #427909
    anita
    Participant

    Dear alette:

    I understand how disturbed you are over his unwillingness to communicate with you.. It never happened before that he refused to communicate with you, that he avoided talking about certain topics, stonewalling you, like he is currently doing? Do you know of him stonewalling other people in his life? I am trying to understand if this is a brand new behavior on his part.

    anita

Viewing 9 posts - 76 through 84 (of 84 total)

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