Thank you for the tips on reaching more people. I appreciate the amount of time you take to respond to all the different posts – I’m sure others do, too 🙂

I agree that the love is strong towards and from both my kiddos. They come to me, I think, BECAUSE I’m a “guiding force” that actively listens without judgment and am moving towards a peer to peer relationship style, while still offering direction, as they approach legal adulthood. In the weeks of our having dinner together I have come to know more about my son than I ever did when we lived under the same roof – both before and after the divorce with his father. For that development I am most grateful.

This instance with room clearing is probably THE MOST un-calm thing I’ve done as a parent. It’s like I was another person, entirely. Rational thought was not with me. I suppose the stress of everything I listed previously finally demanded to be let out and my son got caught in the crossfire.

I am often an impatient person, and this period of my child’s lives can be excruciating at times. I want to know *now* that I haven’t screwed things up and that at some point, my kids might actually see some value in my husband.

There could be others, but here’s what I can definitely say about the disrespect:

My son was/would:

1. Asked to carry a house key/lock the front door (a request made to me by my husband)
2. Asked to text if he wasn’t going to be home by a certain time
3. Use my tools for his skateboard and not return them, ending up in them being lost
4. Asked to be quiet after certain hours so that my husband and I could get a decent night’s sleep yet there were many a night where there was lots of banging about in the kitchen
5. Not get up at the appropriate time in order for me to drop him at school and not worry about being late to work myself
6. Asked to keep a screen-less window closed so the cats couldn’t get out
7. Enter mine and my husband’s bedroom/bathroom without permission

I cleared out my son’s room because, in part, if he didn’t want to live with my husband and I, then he needed to live with his dad full time again and not play us against each other by saying “I’m going to spend the night at Dad’s” while in reality going off with his friends. He wanted to come and go from either house at his discretion, which I felt would wreak havoc on any kind of schedule/routine for daily living, i.e. it would be hard to plan on doing things (for my husband’s work or for us as a couple in the evenings) if my son showed up unannounced. It was also partly what my husband had been encouraging me to do (giving my son the ultimatum to “follow the rules” or live elsewhere) because the level of disrespect from my son was not conducive to me learning how to be more assertive, stand up for myself, respect myself, and feel like a worthy individual. All of which have been a lifelong struggle for me.

As to my “great anger”…. I think I was reacting to:

1. Feeling like I had no independence and everything I did had to be approved by my husband (hence the switch to the “hold on loosely” approach)
2. My kids preferring to live with their dad
3. Not knowing if the kids appreciated what/how much I did/do for them and how many “problems” I helped them solve
4. Not communicating as well with my son as I was with my daughter – feeling distant from him
5. Fear that the kids loved their dad more than me because I’m the one who instigated the divorce
6. Fear of the kids perceiving their dad as “better” than me
7. The kids not liking my husband

Anita,

My husband has agreed that he needs to “compartmentalize” his work/personal personas (they are opposite ends of the spectrum) and be more supportive and thoughtful with me than when he is working. So we’ll continue down this new path we created over the weekend and see where it leads. BOTH of us need to keep our minds open to what the other thinks/feels/believes and do our best to accommodate each other while, at the same time, remaining true to “who we are.” It sure isn’t as easy as in the books and movies!!!! 😉

Because a lot of stress (for me) comes from not knowing how things are going to end up with my kids, perhaps I need to find a group of people who’ve had divorced parents remarry and see if they would be willing to share their stories in some fashion. It’s about the only way I can see to allay my concerns while my children finish their journey to adulthood.

Anita,

I was able to have some good conversation with my husband this weekend. He appears to understand the things that are bugging me about his behavior of late and says he is more than willing to work on things because, “I’m worth it.” We will see what happens. His business is 100% commission based and has been very slow. I knew this going into the relationship and there are other trade offs that make the situation amenable to my life – I haven’t had to cook or do laundry or clean the bathroom or deal with a technology problem in over a year 😉 The second job is due to my 17 year old having medical expenses from surgery for a broken arm.

My kids are 15 and 17 and live with their dad, so they don’t interact with my husband very often. My husband DOES encourage me to spend as much time with them as possible (one on one) and to “make memories” with them. He says they will eventually out-grow their distaste for him as their brains prune themselves down from adolescence (by forgetting the incidents that caused the dislike to form in the first place) into adulthood and things will become more cordial for everyone. Neither he nor I had divorced parents that remarried, so there’s no first hand experience with these feelings (from a child’s point of view) and my fear is that the kids WON’T lose their distaste and will forever view my husband as, “the enemy.”

I suppose the bottom line is that by taking the chance of opening up about my discomfiture with the state of things, I set in motion a conversation about how my husband and I can better communicate with each other so that my loneliness goes away, he feels positive about things too, and this relationship can be as good as possible. I’m not ready to throw in the towel and would say I’m cautiously optimistic about it all.

Morven13,

Thank you for your comments. I am a practical person at heart, so YAY!!!!

I have used Meetup.com before, and the reminder is appreciated 😉

I have not read the particular titles you mention, so they’re probably worth considering!!

Joint activities that my husband and I can do together is a great idea. I think there needs to be some resolution to whether or not we are even going to move forward together, first. If I can’t be vulnerable then, in my opinion, everything else is a way to avoid the elephant in the room. If we can sort things out, then this option is totally viable 🙂

B and E’s Mom

Yoona – yes, I have been looking inward and reading – A LOT – over the last year and a half. I haven’t joined any groups because I’m not sure where I’d best fit in. I started out not really having a great sense of “who I am” plus strong feelings of worthlessness, and some depression & anxiety. While I’m still not there, it’s gotten a little better. I’m learning about who I am, I don’t feel nearly as worthless, and I’m no longer on my antidepressants. So, as Pearla said, I *do* have more than I think. Pearla – I am going to think on your words and see if maybe I can come up with something helpful for you, too.

I would be really happy if my kids didn’t dislike my new husband so much. If you are familiar with Myers Briggs, he’s an INTP, which can be a difficult type to get along with. I identify as an INFP so, on the surface, my husband and I *should* be compatible. It’s this matter of vulnerability (for me) that seems to get in the way. I believe my biggest contribution to my current situation is simply not having the trust/faith in NOT being hurt if I open up to my husband. I believe he truly cares about me and wants me in his life. That is all tempered, greatly, by his ability to be overly logical at times (a MAJOR characteristic of an INTP) and treat certain issues quite coldly. I think it was Einstein that defined insanity as, “Doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results.” This is where I feel I am with my husband. I’m tired of getting the “same results” and so I have withdrawn from him.

My ex and I did some couples counseling before divorcing, so I feel pretty good about taking the lessons learned there and applying them in this new marriage. It all seems to come back to the vulnerability/trust issue. My husband and I had a bit of discussion last night and nothing was really resolved, but some honesty about how I’m feeling was able to be conveyed and vice-versa. The jury is basically still out as to whether or not “we” will continue moving forward.

Thank you, Yoona and Pearla, for replying. I was half expecting no feedback at all.