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Bella

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  • May 23, 2018 at 9:13 am in reply to: what makes us think about an ex when we know we will be better off? #208965
    Bella
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    One thing I forgot to mention which may, or may not be of relevant to this.  About 45 min. before my ex came yesterday to talk, I called and spoke with his older brother which is 62, 10 yr. my ex senior.  I asked him if he was aware we had split and he said sadly yes, that my ex had told him over the weekend that he didn’t think I would be happy traveling with him.  To my ex, traveling is away for the day, which he mentioned very rarely to me.  I never kept him from doing anything, I would encourage him & he would say he would rather be at home doing things with me.

    O k, back to the conversation, I told his brother my ex was coming over & we were going to talk and I didn’t know how I should approach him because he was out of the normal for me & I didn’t want to upset him.  His response, shocked me & I was speechless…He said when my ex & his ex-wife split up she also called him and asked basically the same question!  He said my ex did the same to her, one day they got into an argument & my ex told her he had enough and was moving on, that he was no longer happy & felt trapped and felt like he would be happier on his own.  I feel this is a patter for him when the going gets tough~??

    What do you think & sorry if I am rambling, I am trying my best to sort through this without shutting down from all of the confusion and beginning to feel resentment towards him now if indeed this was his way out & his stock answer.  I do understand my he was taking the path of least resistance, which I feel is not going to work for me.  I never saw that in him.  Maybe I have had blinders on during this relationship.

    Bella

    May 23, 2018 at 8:43 am in reply to: what makes us think about an ex when we know we will be better off? #208955
    Bella
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    When I said he lashed out, it was the remark he made about me finding a new boyfriend.  Which I told him that was the least thing on my mind was a boyfriend and that I would focus on the 2 of us if he would be open to it.

    I must say my ex would bring up things from the past about women that I ignored.   It is not like he was perfect…He use to talk about his past girlfriends, I believe to get a rise out of me and also he would come home from work & tell me about how women at his work place thought he was so cute and he could take them out if he wanted, but he didn’t.  I always thought he was just trying to make me jealous & didn’t reply.  The reason I brought this up was because I was not one to bring up the “I can find someone to treat me right card” I was fed up with the way he spoke to me that day, is why I made that remark.

    He gave very mixed signals, one moment like his old self & then it seemed as if he would intentionally put himself in defensive mode.  I don’t know…I am starting to feel like I don’t want to play this game with him anymore.  I do care & Love him, but it is almost beginning to feel like a project & needs more energy that I have left to give at the moment.  It is absolutely draining me.  I slept better last night, but am actually starting to feel resentment towards him.  I don’t know if that is a good or bad thing at this point.

    Bella

     

    May 22, 2018 at 12:51 pm in reply to: Being broken up with #208813
    Bella
    Participant

    Hi L,

    Sorry you are hurting so much.  I do understand, I am going through the same situation.  First, I will say this before I go any further, this is your life, I would keep my parents and friends out of it, it will only make matters worse.

    Have you contacted him text/phone~  Waiting for a response is so terrible.  Not knowing if he will respond.  Yes, it hurts terribly.  It is easier said than done to move on and put the relationship behind you.  But also, so confusing because it was sudden and you don’t feel the 2 of you actually had a chance to sit down and discuss things.  It was your life to and he didn’t have the right just to end things. (May not be right, but that is how I feel)  I never like hurting anyone in a relationship,  and would always want to let the person know why & what happened to the best of my ability.

    So this just ending the relationship without an explanation on his part it not good, or healthy for you.

    Bella

    May 22, 2018 at 12:28 pm in reply to: what makes us think about an ex when we know we will be better off? #208809
    Bella
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    He came by & was nice, I could tell for the first time he was upset & I feel like him being so mean was to protect himself.  We took care of most of the needed discussion very peacefully.  He said he had a few things he would like to have and I told him he could take whatever he wanted.  He gave me a hug and of course I started crying and told him I was sorry.  He hugged me like he use to when we were happy.  He also told me he had been fired & rehired at his job because a past GM which he did not get along with came back to clean house.  He said he was behind on his child support and his ex threatened to have him put in jail for the late payments.  He said he may be homeless in the next few months and had a lot on his mind.  He also touched on why he left & I told him I was going to leave the door open and would not call or bother him, that it could be on his terms He said he Loved me and always would and wished we would have spoken earlier (which was confusing to me) I tried to express to him I cared and Loved him for who he was, not what he could do for me & I realized we were both at fault and I would like very much if we could talk in the future if he felt like calling.  He said he would…I don’t know if he will or not, but I feel better that we spoke and he knows how I feel.

    After your last few post it really made me realize he probably spent most of the relationship feeling I held the trump card over his head since most of our things were mine before the relationship.  Which I let him know that things don’t matter if he is not around.

    He did lash out before he left and told me he thought I was looking for a new life with a new man. He said the day he moved out he cried for a few days and several nights.  I asked him why he never expressed those feeling to me & he said he thought he did. I told him I had no interest in starting a new life with anyone, that my focus was to try and work on the 2 of us if possible.  He said he had to meet with his boss soon and needed to leave, then kissed me and walked me back into the house and drove away.

    That is it…I do feel better but am unsure about his feelings.  I know I can’t call him for several reasons, I don’t want to pressure him and if we talk I want for it to be his decision.  I am a bit unsure since his feelings were back and forth while he was here~ if he was just agreeing that he would consider getting together soon to talk so he could leave peacefully & didn’t want me upset again, or if he really meant it.

    What do you think?

    Bella

    May 22, 2018 at 5:41 am in reply to: what makes us think about an ex when we know we will be better off? #208683
    Bella
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    After reading your response I feel like it is all my fault & maybe it is.  Confused & at this point I am just so upset thinking that to be true.  I hurt just thinking that is what I may have made him feel, but if it is I know in my Heart it is too late to tell him any different.

    I will take your advice & remain only business with him.  It will be very painful.  Please keep me in your thoughts today to help me through this terrible, but much needed conversation.

    I will give an update afterwards.

     

    Bella

    May 21, 2018 at 4:11 pm in reply to: When you don't see eye to eye #208589
    Bella
    Participant

    Thank you! I do understand we all see things different.  I didn’t see it…

    May 21, 2018 at 4:09 pm in reply to: what makes us think about an ex when we know we will be better off? #208587
    Bella
    Participant

    Thank You very much Anita~ I look forward to your response.  You are so helpful, your post are more comforting than anything I have done so far…

    Anita, he is coming by tomorrow to sign some paper & I am happy for that.  You will be back in 12 hrs. would you please let me know how I should act towards him…After you read the above post, hopefully it will make sense & if not just throw some advice my way as how to handle his coldness and distance when he gets here.  It is going to be very difficult after what he told me in the above post…

    Thank you once again~

    Bella

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 6 months ago by Bella.
    May 21, 2018 at 11:11 am in reply to: what makes us think about an ex when we know we will be better off? #208533
    Bella
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Ironic that he called right before I saw your response.  I wish I would not have answered the call.  It was doing fine because I actually did what you had suggested  before I read your post.  But, right before we hung up I asked him why he had so much anger towards me & he said it wasn’t anger it was disappointment for how he wasted the last 3 years of his life with us staying together.

    I asked him why he never said anything and he said he did.  I never remember him saying much of anything other than don’t worry about it & and come to bed it will be better tomorrow.  I am now realizing we had a bad communication problem & maybe I was unaware his trying to communicate with me.  Regardless, I know it is over…I do have a thought that will not stop haunting me, if he has been unhappy for 3 years , why did he let me get in a financial bind with the purchase of the land we were suppose to build on and why was he so persistent on me selling my house so we could build one together.  He said it was because he wanted to build our own memories together in a new home and all of this was in the last year.

    Also, the big fight really came up when I took the for sale sign out of the yard.  In my gut I feel since I had the control over the final decision on everything he just finally exploded.  I would tell him it was my house and I would sell it when ready.  I just let him talk me in to it earlier that I should have and when I realized it wasn’t going to work I made the decision not to sell.  That is the only thing I feel that could have caused all of the build up.  Everything we had was mine because he came into the relationship with nothing but his clothes and he really never cared about things…He did use to say everything belongs to you!  That is why I decided to purchase the piece of land so we could start fresh, it was just to overwhelming for me & when I told him I wasn’t ready to sell and build and made that decision is when he exploded and got so angry.  It saddens me to think that he would have put me in such a financial bind (he was the one that picked it out & made the decision for it to be our forever home) that I am in at the moment & could loose my home because of it.  I had to call the bank today & he knows how bad things are.  I guess what I am asking after you read this, is it possible he just stopped feeling like a man when I made all of theses final decisions…I found house plans he just purchase right before he left.  It just doesn’t make sense.  What do you make of it. It is very confusing for me because their are so many mixed signals even when I read all that has happened, but maybe you can shed some light for me.  Yes, I know it is over~

    Bella

    May 21, 2018 at 5:42 am in reply to: what makes us think about an ex when we know we will be better off? #208405
    Bella
    Participant

    Thank you Anita,

     

    A few things I don’t understand.  I did listen and talk to him about his broken marriage & when he was out of work…He was usually upset not angry at that point.  yes, he got angry and said mean things and I would deal with it in the first few years, it wasn’t that bad & even my friends commented how it was upsetting to them from they way he would say things to me that they were aware of.  So, I am sure I let him express his anger.

    It’s just this last year , or so he seemed to hold things in like when I told you earlier he would just go to bed.  But the things he always avoided talking about were feelings/Bills future plans etc…

    I remember one remark he made the day I told him we were not going to build a new house this summer and sell my house because if we couldn’t talk about everyday finances and life, how could we get through building a house together for 9 mos. and try to makes 100’s of decisions if we couldn’t discuss those topics.

    He didn’t comment on it in the moment , it was after he moved out…He said “I ruined his future & dreams)~He never explained exactly what he meant…But I feel it was because he really wanted to moved and build a new home…I am not cruel but the reason I made that decision is because I purchased the land, the home we were going to sell was mine & he does not have a dime to his name…I told him we needed to prepare for one another’s future and have wills made & take life insurance in case one of us passed away , so the other would be comfortable and would would just say. once again”don’t worry about it, you could just sell it and move again…I got tired of that stock answer for everything…”Don’t worry”  I looked at it as being responsible…

    I am beginning to think he never wanted any responsibility and I was an easy mark when he & his wife split.  I didn’t mention this until I really started thinking about things, but he had 3 children when he left her & has not seen any of them in 5 yrs.  I would encourage him to invite them over for diner and outings but he would say, “They will come around when they get older”  He also never spoke to his ex after the divorce.  Her father had purchased them a home when they got married and she kept it, so he had no where to go when we started our relationship & then he moved in with me.  He has never been responsible for things like that.  I am beginning to see that he just walks away from confrontation & responsibility.

    He did tell me one thing in the beginning of out relationship that I will always remember “I like SECURITY” My Aunt told me when she first met him that she felt he was using me for a place to live, but he seemed to love me so much I ignored it.

    I sent him a text Saturday reminding him of an appointment we had with an attorney today and he said he could call when he got back home yesterday (which he did not)~ Very irresponsible! I am the one paying for it because he could care less, he never pays bills on time…I am so angry I feel like marching down to his work and sitting all of this stuff in front of him and telling him to stop acting like a child.  I don’t want to do that.  Can you please tell me how to handle this situation (conversation I need to have concerning our finances together).

    I get it he has moved on/maybe he does hate me/I am not perfect and don’t feel it is ok for him to talk ugly and say mean things only to apologize afterwards and do it again& again…Yes, after a while I did tell him I wasn’t going to listen & be spoken to like that.

    Right now I would love your advice on when I talk to him, how do I approach it?  I will not text again, I am sick of that game & I feel sure he won’t answer the phone when he see’s the #…My only option is call his work phone, or go in person.  How should I start the conversation & watch and listen for so I don’t upset him more…I am afraid to go in person, but all he has to do is hang up the phone if I call…I don’t get it because yesterday when I received his text that he would call when he got in, I actually thought he would, and then again maybe he just did that to stall for time.  I am really confused.

    Bella

     

    May 20, 2018 at 11:59 am in reply to: what makes us think about an ex when we know we will be better off? #208301
    Bella
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    We got up on a Beautiful Sunday morning to build a deck together on a piece of properly I purchased for us to build our home on I spoke about earlier.  He was working on the deck and asked me what I thought about the way the boards were being laid.  When I answered, for some reason and really out of his character he yelled and told me to finish what I was doing and leave him alone.  Then I went and started on another project which I needed his help, so he came around and told me it wasn’t a difficult task what was my problem.  My feelings were hurt and I told him I didn’t appreciate him speaking to me like he did and I was going home.  That I didn’t need to put up with his mouth and I could find someone that would treat me the way I deserved. (Out of anger)  He brought me home about 1 pm &  before he drove away he told me I had better watch myself, I asked him what he meant & he said I would find out soon enough, and  he didn’t come home until about 10 pm~I figured we would both cool off and all would be fine…

    Then the next evening he came home from work about 9 pm and I don’t remember what we spoke about, small talk & he went to bed.

    The next day he came home from work at lunch time which is very unusual for him & he got some of his things and told me he was moving out the next day (which I didn’t think he was serious) How do you find a place to live in 48 hrs.~I figured we would talk first.  He came home the next day and boxed up some of his things and I thought he was just getting enough clothes and maybe spend a few nights with a friend or something.  So, I just went to bed thinking once again we would cool off and all would be o k.  The next day is when I realized all of his dressers were empty/closets/all of his tools & huge Safe which weighs a lot. That’s when it started to hit home, he was gone…Then when his attitude changed and I felt like a stranger trying to talk to him.  That’s when I decided to let some time pass, I thought he would get over his anger…but now it is worse.  I don’t even feel like I can predict how he will respond to anything I say or do.  It’s almost like he hates me & I never existed~

    I didn’t text much when he left because I asked him to help me do a few things and he wouldn’t…i didn’t want to get angry so I just avoided him.  and no, he didn’t text back…About a month ago, out of the blue he said he was going to come over a check some things around the house but I was still hurt & told him not to come over…and then about a day or so later he texted “your Beautiful”, which he use to often say, but I didn’t respond.  I felt like he was playing games with me. I did run into him a few days later and I was upset and he asked if I would like a kiss, or a hug and I said no.  But I wasn’t mean, just hurt & he could have taken it the wrong way.  But every since that day he has been very evasive & shortly after is when he told me he had a girlfriend and cut off all communications with me~ It’s been about 2 weeks since he told me he had a girlfriend.  I am trying to remember the timeline, but is it so difficult with me getting more depressed and upset by the hr.  I am sorry, but you are doing a wonderful job at helping me to try and understand!

    Bella

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 6 months ago by Bella.
    May 20, 2018 at 10:22 am in reply to: what makes us think about an ex when we know we will be better off? #208295
    Bella
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Could you recommend how I should carry on a conversation when & if we get together and talk?  My goal would be to understand why he is so angry and see if the possibility of us talking about trying to salvage this is possible & if I get the gut feeling it is not  I will just need to get the legal & financial items resolved and walk away~

    Thank You~

    Bella

    May 20, 2018 at 7:04 am in reply to: what makes us think about an ex when we know we will be better off? #208287
    Bella
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    In the beginning he did send a lot of text & call, until I told him I wasn’t ready for a relationship.  Them he continued to send texts and call, not a lot but enough to keep me responding.

    He did always tell me how much he Loved me when we were together, but he would still get verbally abusive when he did not what to be confronted, or to answer a question., or if he was in an uncomfortable situation.  I would just let it go after I told him I wasn’t going to be spoken to in that manner. Also, as I write I am beginning to remember things about the relationship that were a bit bad.  He never left the house without the I love you & a kiss.  But, he would still turn around and lash out if I tried to discuss certain things with him he did not want to discuss.  I know we are not perfect creatures and I try to give people the benefit of a doubt and I don’t like confrontation, so I always tried my best to diffuse it before things got to bad.

    I am sure I am giving mixed signals, but you are sorting through them very well (Sorry) it is easy to only think about the good memories when someone is gone…

    I need to be able to figure out a way to say the right things when we get face to face.  What would you recommend…

    Should I only discuss the absolute important matters (bank accounts/legal etc)

    Should I express my feelings

    Should I ask if we have a possibility of working through this before we do all of the financials

    In my gut I still feel he will withdrawn and not respond to me because of the way he has been in the last few weeks, and then again I am afraid if I don’t do something everyday that goes by will cause us to drift further apart

    Could I possibly be so upset over this break-up that my memory only wants to think about the good things?  I have moments when I force myself to go back after reading your responses and things were not always as good as I may have portrayed them to be, but he never hurt me, or did anything in public to embarrass me.  He was always very…very protective over me with most things.  That is one of the reasons I loved him so much.  He would ask what my plans were for the day & tell me not to do anything to get hurt. (climbing ladders/mowing grass etc…It may sound silly but with my disability it could be dangerous.  Then the same week he left I asked for his help with the grass and things around the house because he said he would & he told me now I could do it myself and I needed to understand all he did for me.  He made the remark he was no longer my “take care of things” person.  Which brings me back to how after 8 years of him being genuinely concerned about me being safe could he just walk away.  So much confusion!!  I am even getting mixed signals… Please help me find a way to ask him these questions so that he might answer them for me .  I feel I will be able to sense in my gut if I can cause him to put down this wall he has up.  I would like to be able to talk to him and get some answers…

    May 20, 2018 at 4:51 am in reply to: what makes us think about an ex when we know we will be better off? #208281
    Bella
    Participant

    Hi Anita & Thank You for all of your help,

     

    You have made so much sense out of this for me.  He sent me a text last night & only said , he was out of town and he would see how he felt when he got back and let me know if we could meet. (Once again, at his discresion)~

     

    Back to your question, was he passive aggressive, callous and cruel?  He could be verbally cruel when he was upset.  He would lash out and say very hurtful things only to say the next day that’s not what he said when I brought it up.  He would get angry when asked about things he didn’t want to talk about.  Subjects that he did not want to discuss would always get verbally out of hand with him, so when that happened I would tell him not to talk to me when he was angry.  And he would usually start drinking.  (I never saw him drunk, just a few drinks)  I never questioned where he was, when he left  because I didn’t want to start another argument.  He did drink more than my taste, because I do not drink & I didn’t like his drinking.   I guess now when I think about it, he would usually go drink when he was upset.  Sometimes I felt like he was hiding things from me and would get nasty just so I would drop the conversation, (which I usually did to avoid a fight)~

    When speaking with my girlfriend last week she said she was glad he was gone because she didn’t like the way he talked to me.

    When I entered the relationship with this man it was different than any other since we were friends first & I really wasn’t looking for Love.  He was very aggressive in calling and not giving up as much as I told him how I felt.  The longest relationship in my past was about 2 yrs., my father died when I was in my 20’s and we were very close & he was a Wonderful Smart & Humble Man.

    He took care of his family & I never saw or heard him do anything to upset my Mother…All he did was make her Happy & Loved her.  They were High School Sweet Hearts & then married.  That is the way I always though men were suppose to treat women.

    When I was in my 20’s and really started going out it seemed men were only after 1 thing, so I just had fun and tried not to get to serious.  That’s why it took several years into this relationship for me to really open up my Heart and learn to trust and let go of my fears of being in a relationship…(because I didn’t want to open up to someone & get hurt)  which is exactly what I am going through.  I have never had any joint accounts & property together (which I owned previously)…So I really opened up for this man to have a piece of my Heart.  I feel he has chewed me up & just spit me out!  It should have been a joint decision & it should have been discussed.  It wasn’t all his decision to make to end and leave the relationship!  I guess it wouldn’t make me so angry if he hadn’t pursued me for so long and so aggressively ~ Maybe I felt to secure since we had been together so long, that he would never leave.  And maybe because I know in my Heart I would have worked through this without giving up, because 8 yrs. is a long time I thought he would do the same.

    I am sorry,  it has been a long restless night with … and looking to what is ahead for the week is bleak~

    I need to get back to one of the main questions, How do I get him to talk without being defensive towards me so I can get our joint holdings & Legal issues resolved.  I really want to remain very calm with him, so possibly we could talk a little about the relationship.  I need to know what is going on & why he is treating me like this.  Should I come right out and ask him? Please, any advice on how to approach this thing~  I am so not good with things like this.  I am not aggressive & he is, when he gets mean I leave.  How can I survive through a sit down with him?

    Bella

    May 19, 2018 at 4:34 pm in reply to: what makes us think about an ex when we know we will be better off? #208253
    Bella
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Would you mind replying to my most recent post…5/19  12:07 pm

    Thank you~

    May 19, 2018 at 12:07 pm in reply to: what makes us think about an ex when we know we will be better off? #208247
    Bella
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I need to speak with him about some important issues involving joint holdings we have that we both need to be present to resolve.  I did text him earlier and let him know we both needed to be present for name removal off of property and accounts.  I tried to do it on my own, but can not without him present.  I texted if we could get together sometime over the weekend for a bit to go over some issues, which he is aware of. I  was going to give it some time, but this morning I decided why wait.  I am tired of everything on his terms when it is convenient for him~Just because he does not like dealing with Life~

    So, of course he did not respond & I called his place of work, which since he has been employed at his present company he has never taken a Saturday off.  When I called the secretary said he took the day off and was out of town until Monday.  Of course, I was upset since Saturday is a big work day for him and he never took a Saturday off for us to spend together.  I still did not call his phone or text him again.

    I need to discuss these issues with him because they are important & for me to move on I don’t want his name on my property or accounts.  I was trying to be honest with him and clearly let him know it was important and we just needed to wrap up loose ends so we could put this behind us and move forward.  I said in the text I just wanted to put it all behind me so we could both be happy and move on…And yes, I am sure he already has, but I also want to, and can’t with these matters hanging over my head. (Not to mention the pain)

    If I did the wrong thing, could you possibly guide me in the right direction.  The only option he is leaving me is to take the papers to him at his work on Monday, and tell him it needs to be taken care of.  I know he does not like confrontation, but I am tired of him acting like a child.  I can’t stress enough how much this is upsetting me~  It’s not like I have asked him about feelings, or to come back.  Since he has moved out I have not asked him back, yes I told him I loved him but not to get him back or to make him think that, it was to let him know that I cared because he said he didn’t think I ever really cared. I did not want his feelings hurt by thinking I didn’t care, which is silly because he would have to know after 8 years and all I did for him that he was Loved.  But to make him feel better I still confirmed it, actually making a fool of myself because he made NO response what so ever…As much since he has been gone in the past 2 months I would have liked to have told him how I was feeling about the situation, I didn’t…I wanted him to have time to be alone and think about things.  I Honestly don’t have a clue, but his actions are telling me he must have someone else in his life or he would not be so abrasive.  I know him well enough that for him to act like this towards me it can not just be anger, he has someone to make him feel light on the other side of the Rainbow and he is Happy right now as long as things are good.

    I just want all of this behind me and don’t want to deal with him any longer…So how do you recommend I get him to respond so I don’t have to confront him at work.  I see that as my only option at this point.  Unless I just sit and wait for him to come around on his terms to wrap us loose ends, which is not fair for me to have to tick away at the minutes to finish with this mess…and wait on him to come around~

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