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what makes us think about an ex when we know we will be better off?

HomeForumsEmotional Masterywhat makes us think about an ex when we know we will be better off?

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This topic contains 46 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  anita 4 months ago.

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  • #207823

    Bella
    Participant

    I met a man 8 years ago when my Mother was sick in the hospital.  We had coffee & discussed life.  As time went by he seemed to ease the reality that I would soon be loosing my Mother (My Rock) to Cancer.  After her death I became very withdrawn & closed the world out.  I would receive an occasional text message from him, but I was in no shape to open my Heart to any one.  About six month later, I let him in & we became friends.  The first relationship I have ever had with a man that didn't start out with raging hormones & butterflies.  It was a nice change.  For once, I actually got to know him for who he was.  (So, I thought)~ He said he was in the mist of a divorce & showed me the papers & he did get his divorce.  We shared a great year together & then he was out of work for two years, which he lived rent free & everything else free.  He was looking for work, nothing he could make a living at.  So, 5 years later as he has worked him self up the ladder of  a company & is finally doing well.  I am not saying the last 5 years have been perfect by any means, a lot of ups & downs.  About 3 months ago I found out he had been hiding financial  information from me about his credit, (which is terrible) & he told me it was not my business.  Well, the reason I found out about the bad credit is because we were going to take out a Home Loan to build a house together~ Which is why it was my business to know before hand…

    Long story short, 2 months ago I told him we should hold off on the New Home and just enjoy life and not get caught up in the stress of a new expensive home since we were just getting our heads above water.  He seemed o.k. , until one afternoon he was very combative & I told him not to talk to me like he was and I could find someone to Love & Respect me like I deserve.  Well, two days later he comes home from work at lunch time, packs all of his clothes and personal belongings and leaves.  Does not say where he is living…nothing!!   I was & am very hurt, because their was absolutely no discussion of anything before he left.  When he was leaving he said he would help with things around the house until I could figure out how to make ends meet because we are in a very large home with a large yard that takes a lot of upkeep.  It has been 9 weeks since he left if he has not called & I am struggeling with so much hurt as to HOW after 8 years someone could be so protective over me and one day only after a few unpleasant discussion walk out.

    I do know he has a girlfriend, or at least one day when I called him I asked if he could come over & fix a broken door, he said  he couldn't because he had a girlfriend.

    What I am asking , is how can someone fall in Love so quickly with a new person and be able to shut someone out that they supposedly loved dearly. It's almost like he is enjoying me suffering with all of these bills & work!! I had a flat tire the other night & texted him (Hi, It's urgent could you please call me) He NEVER even responded…Not even the next say~ That really broke my Heart.  He didn't have a clue what was wrong, other than I just said “Urgent”… If he  would have sent that text to me I would have been in the car in a second to help him with no questions asked.

    One big thing with his whole situation is, I know even as much as I care about him, I would never be able to trust him like I did before he left due to his nasty actions & how distant he has been in the last 9 weeks.  My goal is to stop crying and trying to figure out what I could have done different!! and also, it doesn't make it easier wondering where he could have met this girl and what she looks like. (I am sure you know the drill)~

    Please help me sleep tonight & stop wondering what he is doing while I still care and am still upset  & down~  Thank you~

    #207887

    Eve
    Participant

    From what you described, I think you have doubt on him. You don't really think he loves you enough or put equal effort to the relationship. Otherwise you wouldn't say you can find someone loves you and respects you during argument.

    It means that you don't trust him. Maybe he did fail you or your insecurity was making up stories.

    If you can think of something he did contributing your mistrust, then you were not doing it absolutely wrong.

    And from what he did after breakup, he doesn't seem like a good partner material.

    You are better off without him. Sorry that you're still suffering from the breakup. The pain, it too shall pass.

    #207907

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Bella:

    You wrote: “We shared a great year together & then he was out of work for two years, which he lived rent free & everything else free”- was he living with you rent/ everything free, that is, were you supporting him financially during those two years?

    Another question (my purpose asking is to understand your situation better), you wrote that there “was absolutely no discussion of anything before he left”- but you did mention discussions or maybe arguments about his bad credit, about you finding another man who  will love you and respect you, about putting off the plan to buy a home together.

    Weren't those discussions before he left (although not in the same day of his leaving)?

    anita

     

    #208049

    Bella
    Participant

    Thank You for your input~

    #208055

    Bella
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    He didn't know how to communicate.  When we decided not to sell the house, it was because I tried to get him to sit down and talk about it & he never would.  He would just say, don't worry about details and it will work out. (Temporary housing while new home is being built/where to store our furniture/what about wills & life insurance if something happened to one of us to protect the other & future plans~and when I found out his credit was terrible, he said it was not my business~  Whenever I tried to talk about most things he all of the sudden got tired & would just tell me to go to sleep & it would be better the next day.

    #208057

    Bella
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Yes, I was supporting him~  He did work around the yard & took care of things, but not financially~ I had a home & he had no money~  He had child support and loans for his children he was paying on. And he had also left his ex wife with everything he had and he accumulated most of the credit card debt.

    #208059

    Bella
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

     

    I believe he has answered my question with his actions~  It has been several days since I had left the text that I stated Urgent on, & he never questioned if I am o k.  That hurts the most.

    I won't contact him, but my Heart is breaking…I know I am not the first female to understand why someone would just walk out.  There are a thousand things it could have been, but the biggest thing I tell myself is if he really cared he would have had some type of a discussion before he left.

     

    If he can move on so easily with someone else so quickly, that also says a lot.  I have no desire to even talk to another man at the moment~  I feel numb!!

    #208067

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Bella:

    Reads to me that he suffered/ suffers from anxiety regarding financial matters and detailed future planning. He didn't sit down with you to talk about selling the house, about buying a new house, about wills and life insurance as well as about storing furniture because thinking and talking about these things was distressing to hm.

    This is probably why and how he got bad credit: not attending to financial matters, not planning his future in detail. When he told you, “don't worry about details and it will work out”- he told you so because this is what he tells himself. When he told you that his bad credit is not your business- although  it was your business- it was because he didn't want to think/talk about it. He may have “left his ex wife with everything” because he didn't want to deal with financial matters.

    You recently asked him for some help and he answered that he can't help you because he has a girlfriend. Reads to me that he wanted to hurt you so that you will stop asking for his help, so that you will feel too uncomfortable to call him for help. Do you think?

    anita

    • This reply was modified 4 months, 1 week ago by  anita.
    #208077

    Bella
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    You hit the nail on the head!  I don't have words to describe how it makes me feel.  I can't understand why he wants to hurt me & make things harder than they are~

    I have not asked him to come back, or even try to discuss with him why he left~  I just asked him for the help he offered~

    I haven't contacted him in any way shape, or form since the 1 text 3 days ago…

    I will not humiliate myself, or do anything to add to the hurt.  I don't get it and guess I will never understand my original thought of, “How could he have ever really loved me” and  I don't want to sound like one of those people that say But He Loved me.  We were together 8 years and everyday he would say he loved me & give me a kiss before he went to work.   But that doesn't make up for all the time I would spend alone and him never talking about things.

    I hate to say it, but I need to just write this off~ It is painful…

    #208083

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Bella:

    You wrote “I can't understand why he wants to hurt me & make things harder than they are”-

    He probably, from my understanding based on what you shared, wants to discourage you from asking him to help you around your house. And it is not that he is motivated to “make things harder than they are” for you- he is probably motivated to make things easier for him.

    anita

    #208085

    Bella
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    You are so right…

    That just confirms, he could not have really cared for me very much~ I guess he was in a good situation with me, until he found another easy ride that made him happier! which made it easy for him to just walk out and be painless for him.

    #208087

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Bella:

    When things get tough, most people go the easier route. It was easier for him to leave as he did. Did he love you before he left- I suppose he did.

    I don't know if he indeed has a girlfriend or he just said he did so to discourage you from calling him, but if he does, I don't think he loves her or will love her more than he loved you.

    Notice this: he left everything to his ex wife, you wrote. Probably not because he loved her, but  because it was easier for him to leave it all to her.

    I suppose what motivates him more than love is comfort, what is easier.

    anita

    #208125

    Bella
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    You do have such words of wisdom…

    With your words, what can you recommend for me to start healing.  Even though I have not been in touch with him, it is not easy.  Since he told me he has a girlfriend, of course I do the usual and wonder as to how much fun they are having & how in Love they are remembering the way he was with me in the beginning of our relationship, and then thinking …are they doing the same?

    I seem to look at my phone to often to see if he may have left a message & then turn it off only to turn it on again.  I even made the mistake of looking at our cell phone bill to see where he is calling…(Which wouldn't make a difference, because I wouldn't call the #'s to find out because I wouldn't want him to have that pleasure of knowing I cared even though I do…Right now I know I should go out and do some things but I am unable to drive due to a temporary disability.  It is going to be 4 months more, or so until I should drive again.  Let alone go out and try to socialize.  So, I am stuck at home with nothing to do but stress myself out alone.  When were together it was usually just the two of us because he always worked late & also said I was his best friend and he didn't want to go anywhere without me.  So we did most everything with just one another.  So, now I am paying the price, alone/sick and stressed.

    Do you have any suggestions how to stop my mind from thinking about things that hurt, but really don't matter…

    Thank You~

    #208145

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Bella:

    You are welcome.

    Did you try guided meditation? You can download that online, so I hear. Those used to provide me with a nice break, a break from obsessing and worrying. It worked very well but like anything else, it doesn't work every time. At times it doesn't work, a hot bath may or a long walk outdoors.

    You can prepare a list of activities and try this or that at different times. Also, best you can, prepare and stick to a daily routine. Routines do help with anxiety.

    Social support is very important. It can be in-person and/or on line. You can post here every day or every other day, as you wish and hopefully other members will reply to you as well. You can do so on this thread or start a new one.

    Take advantage of resources that are available to you.

    anita

    #208147

    Bella
    Participant

    Thank You Anita~

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