Hey Tee,

I started to call myself Ben.

well, I think I understood most of it, but I’m not gonna lie, it’s not super easy 🙂

I will make some effort to not get up in my head. It happens so quick when I text. I sometimes want to get rid of all this appliances.

Well, even if they did the best they could, or they didn’t hurt you on purpose, they did cause emotional wounding. The wound is there, even though they didn’t mean it. It’s like you get hit by an arrow accidentally – it hurts, regardless of the fact that it wasn’t done on purpose. (ok, maybe this is a silly analogy, but it’s the first thing that came to mind).

And secondly, as a child you didn’t “allow” anything. We as children are passive “takers” of whatever treatment we get from our parents. We don’t really have the discernment to know what’s right or wrong, neither do we know how to set boundaries or stand up for ourselves. And many times, we think it’s our fault if our parents behave in hurtful ways.

I’d say this is totally rational and makes sense.
I belief that I get into victim thinking when I open up to this. But it might be as well some ignorance or fear of helplessness or pride.
My parents choose to have children before they worked on themselves. And they choose to live with their ignorance. They have responsibility too.

When I see it from a level that a person is what she is subconsciously rather than superficial I can say that.

So please don’t think that you allowed anything, as a child. Many times, if the abuse isn’t so obvious (such as beating or other types of physical abuse), the child doesn’t even know that they are suffering from abuse or neglect. For example, the child might be getting constant criticism and shaming, and yet believe that they deserve it.

I know what you mean. I don’t take it personally. It’s like evolution or biology. It just can happen like this. I better deal with it than to take it personal or worry.

So I think it’s okay to say that your parents have hurt you, i.e. caused some emotional wounding in your childhood. It doesn’t mean, however, that you never forgive them and that you – as the adult – cannot do anything to heal that wound. The wound is there, but now it’s your responsibility to do something about it.

I’d say that too. It is indeed my responsibility. It seems that I have forgiven them but I don’t want to have much to do with them and I’m afraid of relapsing.

Actually it’s a good thing that in order to heal, we don’t need anything from our parents – even if it was them who caused the wound. That’s the beauty of healing our own inner child- we don’t need to rely on our parents to give us what they failed to give us in childhood.

I don’t think I can heal with my parents anymore.

I am glad you’re not contemplating physical suicide. But I also understand that being overwhelmed by strong emotions can feel very scary (“To the thinking mind it feels like death and I’ve been very afraid of it.”)

It seems that you wanted an escape from those overwhelming emotions, and you tried to deprive your body of basic needs (eating, drinking), so you would feel less, right?

I do think about physical suicide by times but as long as I don’t suppress it it’s fine. I think it’s normal and I don’t give it too much weight. I don’t like to tell you because I don’t want you to worry. I have to speak the truth.

I learned that I hate myself so I had to open up to it and allow myself to hate myself. I had to be a mother who accept her child this way. And I haven’t had it since.

Hmm… let me see if I got this right: You want to detach from pain, and the pain (and the unwanted emotions) are in the body. And so if you detach from the body, this could help in healing? Again, sorry if I’m misinterpreting your words… I would really like to understand, because then I could give you my thoughts on it (of course, if you’re interested).

What seems to work is detaching from the body and the mind. As long as I watch the tension in my belly and create a story like this is trauma and this needs to go away I’m attached.

You can give me your thought Tee. And also if you spot some ignorance you can point me at it.

I’ve realized what’s holding me back from making those career decisions (layers of fear). Now that I’m trying to make an action plan, I see that my tendency to procrastinate is still present. But now I am looking it in the eye, I know what I’m dealing with, so it’s not automatic and unconscious. So I think I have a better chance to overcome it.

Aha,that’s good that you got aware of that. Now change can happen more easily. I wish you courage and strength with that.

Hello Tee,

I’m afraid a part of it is a consequence of an old injury (a fall) that dislocated my kneecap just slightly, and over time caused my cartilage to wear off. But it was a slow and insidious process, and I didn’t get a proper medical advice either, so the damage to my cartilage progressed more than it should have 🙁

But I’m sure there is a spiritual, i.e. psychosomatic component as well, because it is about mobility and movement. And I’ve been pretty immobile and paralyzed in making certain career decisions. During this latest “dark night”, I’ve actually realized what core beliefs were behind it, so I’m working on releasing those.

And there was also the lower-back pain, which was an additional very nasty episode. Thankfully, that’s much better now, although I feel I’ll never be the same again, in terms of the ability to put stress on it. But thank God, it’s much less of an issue than before.

In any case, both of those are problems with physical mobility, and I’m pretty sure it’s related to the psychological aspect as well. And I think that because I’ve become aware of it, it’s easier to manage the physical pain as well.

I just googled a bit about it and read it’s about humility,pride anncestors. Kneeling is connected to it. To accept one’s path.It depends on the side. It’s interessting I asked chatgpt on different perspectives also about my own stuff and then I got a shamanic view too, quite interesting.

What decisions are you dealing with and did you make them?

“she has no space for me” – meaning she’s not interested in a relationship with you?

That must be hard if you believe/feel she’s the love of your life, and your love isn’t reciprocated 🙁

Oh you know, she met another guy she had a relationship with in the past. So it’s not easy for her either. She needs to figure out herself and her life. As I understand it’s not just a concious decision it’s also what happened. At least that how she put it to me.
So I have to learn to live with that uncertainty.

You mean you love this girl and you’re hurt that she doesn’t want to be with you, but you don’t show it to her? You pretend you’re cool about her rejection? Or you haven’t even showed her clearly that you have feelings for her?

I think that’s obvious to her now but now is a bit late. So at first I played cool I read something in a newspaper and then I just did that. Which was not a great idea.
I have mainly been trying to just get us to talk but I’m not good at that. I have this thing where I talk to her but don’t say what I want. I can pretend but it’s often not the truth. Also there is some ignorance about her having made a decision and having a boyfriend. I don’t really get that.
Mainly it would be good if we could just talk and I think I can not talk to her because I can not talk to my mother and she has some trauma too. So she gets triggered and then I know that and I need to communicate but I don’t want to hurt her. So I come out of fear often and that’s no good.

Oh, I’m sorry about that. A part of your isolation – which you talked about before – is that you didn’t want to relate to people on their terms, but on your own, right? Specially with your mother, you didn’t want to fulfill her “orders” (to clean the kitchen, etc) while she treated you with disrespect. Do you feel that’s still the case – that you don’t want to pretend with people, or conform to their expectations, but you’re also not able to set proper boundaries, so it’s easier for you to withdraw?

I think I could relapse. Yesterday I did the taxes and I had a little relapse. Because In my hed I went where my address is what work I did last year.
I think the feeling that they are dead is good. It shows autonomy and independence but I’m not trough it there are still parts pulling.

Oh cool! How’s that been?

It was quite heavy. I felt like if I just let go I would die. I went trough some heavy things and I think about death every day.
But also to die is the end of something so I would say emotional death is an important part where physical death doesn’t work. That’s what I figured out. Also one think a monk told me that dark knight of the soul is this dark thing and we’re here in the Christian countries are often drawn to the dark. But there is this very light and freeing quality while there is loss and often I notice how I’m focused on the dark. So it showed me lightness and independence and that death is nothing to fear (physical and emotional) but I’m still working on that one.

Would you elaborate on that?

Like I think I have a problem but that who has the problem is not me. I don’t need to take it personal. Person comes from mask and I’m not the mask. There is nothing behind the mask. No one. And that’s me 🙂

Hey Anita,

Thank you so much! I will let all this sink in. I’m glad I can reach out here.

Love Ben

Hey Anita,

“My mom would always make a tantrum about the kitchen it’s a public place she likes to control. Maybe that is what my resentment is about that I did/do not understand that”- her intense emotions and controlling behaviors took you away from you, did she?

I think I have a controlling mother, yes. I also have an accepting (father) side. They support me physically well. But I don’t think they do emotionally. They are not so much interested.

I mean, a boy (or girl) needs space to be.

I am reminded of Shakespeare’s question: “To be or not to be, this is the question”.

That’s the main thing I’m doing. I create space. I think about that quote.

An intense (too intense) mother who demands control, steals the authentic part of her child, and without this part, there is a disconnection within the child, a disturbing and persistent sense of alienation.

“I see the people around me as oppressive enemies who have no interest in understanding what I need and even would punish me if I would show myself vulnerable”- as I understand it, you see others the way you correctly see your mother: primarily, an oppressive enemy with no interest in understanding what you need, a woman who punished the authentic part of you.

“That’s why I want to feel alienated, angry and sad to let them know how horribly they mistreat me. By changing my behaviour I would communicate the oppressor that it works to disrespect my dignity and I’d rather die than to admit their power over me.”-

– I suppose you are holding on to the feelings of alienation, anger and sadness because these valid feeling (valid because they are natural emotional responses to your mother’s behaviors) are the calls or cries of your hidden/ oppressed authentic self within. By changing these feelings, and/ or the expressions of these feelings, you’d be silencing the authentic self/ authentic child within, and admitting defeat.

Am I understanding correctly?

Yes, this resonates. Here I volunteer in a kitchen. But it can be other enviroments. Propably connected to authority.

By changing these feelings, and/ or the expressions of these feelings, you’d be silencing the authentic self/ authentic child within, and admitting defeat.

Mhh, so I’m crying for justice but also I’m an adult now. And I want to be the adult in this relationship. I wan’t to break free. And I belief all I need to do is expirience it mindfully. With equanimity and compassion. To create space for it.
Physically important is to be at a place where I feel save for face these emotions. A place where there is not to much distraction and stimulation too.
I like to create stories where I need to do something specific to become free. And it can overlap with my moms worries. Like I meet them and I’m free. I’m somebody. But actually it’s quite simple. As long as I need to get rid of it as long as it’s an enemy I fight myself. I need to befriend myself.

Oppression in genera leads to a wide range of emotional reactions, including anger, fear, sadness, resentment, alienation, frustration, shame, and defiance. When the oppressor is one’s mother, these emotional reactions are even more intense and complex due to the unique nature of the parent-child relationship:

In general, children of significantly or severely oppressive mothers- mothers who are sole or primary caretaker, and with little or no support by others- feel a mix of love and resentment towards the oppressive mother. The conflicting emotions create confusion and ambivalence. There’s a struggle between loyalty to the mother and anger towards her.

The children internalize the oppression, believing they are at fault or deserving of the treatment, feeling ashamed of their situation and their inability to change it.

They fear punishment or further oppression if they resist or speak out. They feel emotionally disconnected from the mother and from others as well, experiencing social isolation as a result. They feel trapped in the oppressive environment with no way to escape or change the situation.

General coping mechanisms: a mix of complying with the mother’s demands to avoid conflict and punishment, suppressing one’s true feelings and needs to maintain peace, actively resisting the mother’s control and asserting one’s autonomy, and engaging in defiant behavior as a way to reclaim power and control.

Long-term impact, generally: struggling to trust others due to the betrayal and control experienced from the mother, fear of being vulnerable and open with others, difficulty forming healthy attachments and relationships, reenacting similar dynamics in other relationships (example: a man marrying a controlling woman, one similar to his mother, and actively and continuously seeking her approval), anxiety, depression, and ongoing struggles with self-esteem and self-worth.

What I stated above in general terms has been true to me personally. My mother was my sole caretaker, there was no one but her in my life as a child (no other influence, at least non that was significant). She was extremely controlling and expressed her very intense emotions through protracted sessions of histrionics and drama. As a result, the authentic part of me went into hiding. Alienation and social isolation was the theme of my life. And yet, my authentic self, hidden and oppressed, never stopped trying to break into the surface and take its rightful space- space to be and to become.

is this your struggle too, Beni?

It makes sense to me cause it explains my expirience of me in the world. There is one thing confusing me (sorry for comparing) and it is that my childhood was not that bad. I had my grandmother living close by. My Dad could eat lunch at home. I judge myself on this that I have no right to take space here. My problems are silly and made up. It’s unecessary drama. So this is how I invalidate myself.

What I want belief is that my expirience is whats true to me. Trauma can happen from small stresses and many things can trigger it. Sensitivity can play a role.

I hear your struggle and I’m touched when I read about you. I think it’s not fair that people have to expirience this!

So what I practice is to not push in life. If I do not do something naturally. If it hurts me I wait. And life works this way. I’m inpatient to approach work life. But I think as long as I see it as means to prove something or I make a thing out of it while I still have the means to stay away from it. I will not take action. This vacuum of control in my life is difficult. In a way it’s a changing to myself doing it and the mind doing it. And the doubt of getting lost in concepts and maybe meditation or in acceptance. It’s really hard to archieve things with that kind of mind I have. I block so quick and forcing works only for a short time. I’m afraid of trying even.

Mhh, but actually it’s as it is and I can accept it. It’s the only thing that helps it seems.

I don’t want to be in contact with my family much and it’s difficult to invest in friendships or long term friendships naturally or to have a girlfriend. There is so little I know and I start to be at peace with it.

So for now I’m quite on a spiritual journey.

Let’s see what happens! Do you have any advice for me Anita?

Hey Anita,

Wow I’m impressed by the effort made by you! You honour the hours I put in expressing myself. And I wish that you can learn from it.
I think you’re able to connect with how I put things into words. I also can connect with the theory of enmeshment and the way you write it down.

It is so crazy how this affects my life. I’m in a grieving period where I realise what a mess all this is. I’m sad,free and also sometimes feel that live is not worth living. And all that is quite adventurous.

So the whole analysis helps me to validate my experience and to uncover the invalidating side.

What I’ve been exploring lately is how I choose to create drama. Because It’s what I’ve always done. I don’t know how to be any other way.
My life is like a show where I do something to free myself from creating a drama. Cause I belief I’m the show I can’t stop creating drama. Cause without the show I’d die. It’s pathetic.

And I think I could die but then everyone would now what a fake I am and that I somehow can not accept.
Maybe I’m afraid of punishment. Or I can not forgive myself.

Can you understand me?

Thank for your comment T. It’s your first comment here in this forum! It’s an honor 🙂 I wish you well!

Thank you Anita. Let’s set sails for 2025!

HaPpY NeW YeAr AnIta 🙂