Heey Anita,

“My mom would always make a tantrum about the kitchen it’s a public place she likes to control. Maybe that is what my resentment is about that I did/do not understand that”- her intense emotions and controlling behaviors took you away from you, did she?

I think I have a controlling mother, yes. I also have an accepting (father) side. They support me physically well. But I don’t think they do emotionally. They are not so much interested.

I mean, a boy (or girl) needs space to be.
I am reminded of Shakespeare’s question: “To be or not to be, this is the question”.

That’s the main thing I’m doing. I create space. I think about that quote. Propably I didn’t get the space I need from my mother and my mother didn’t get the emotional support she needed from my father. And my father didn’t have space for that cause of work responsibilities.

An intense (too intense) mother who demands control, steals the authentic part of her child, and without this part, there is a disconnection within the child, a disturbing and persistent sense of alienation.

“I see the people around me as oppressive enemies who have no interest in understanding what I need and even would punish me if I would show myself vulnerable”- as I understand it, you see others the way you correctly see your mother: primarily, an oppressive enemy with no interest in understanding what you need, a woman who punished the authentic part of you.

“That’s why I want to feel alienated, angry and sad to let them know how horribly they mistreat me. By changing my behaviour I would communicate the oppressor that it works to disrespect my dignity and I’d rather die than to admit their power over me.”-
– I suppose you are holding on to the feelings of alienation, anger and sadness because these valid feeling (valid because they are natural emotional responses to your mother’s behaviors) are the calls or cries of your hidden/ oppressed authentic self within. By changing these feelings, and/ or the expressions of these feelings, you’d be silencing the authentic self/ authentic child within, and admitting defeat.

Am I understanding correctly?

Yes, this resonates. Here I volunteer in a kitchen. But it can be other enviroments. Propably connected to authority.

By changing these feelings, and/ or the expressions of these feelings, you’d be silencing the authentic self/ authentic child within, and admitting defeat.

Mhh, so I’m crying for justice but also I’m an adult now. And I want to be the adult in this relationship. I wan’t to break free. And I belief all I need to do is expirience it mindfully. With equanimity and compassion. To create space for it.
Physically important is to be at a place where I feel save for face these emotions. A place where there is not to much distraction and stimulation too.

I like to create stories where I need to do something specific to become free. And it can overlap with my moms worries. Like I meet them and I’m free. I’m somebody. But actually it’s quite simple. As long as I need to get rid of it as long as it’s an enemy I fight myself. I need to befriend myself.

Oppression in genera leads to a wide range of emotional reactions, including anger, fear, sadness, resentment, alienation, frustration, shame, and defiance. When the oppressor is one’s mother, these emotional reactions are even more intense and complex due to the unique nature of the parent-child relationship:

In general, children of significantly or severely oppressive mothers- mothers who are sole or primary caretaker, and with little or no support by others- feel a mix of love and resentment towards the oppressive mother. The conflicting emotions create confusion and ambivalence. There’s a struggle between loyalty to the mother and anger towards her.

The children internalize the oppression, believing they are at fault or deserving of the treatment, feeling ashamed of their situation and their inability to change it.

They fear punishment or further oppression if they resist or speak out. They feel emotionally disconnected from the mother and from others as well, experiencing social isolation as a result. They feel trapped in the oppressive environment with no way to escape or change the situation.

General coping mechanisms: a mix of complying with the mother’s demands to avoid conflict and punishment, suppressing one’s true feelings and needs to maintain peace, actively resisting the mother’s control and asserting one’s autonomy, and engaging in defiant behavior as a way to reclaim power and control.

Long-term impact, generally: struggling to trust others due to the betrayal and control experienced from the mother, fear of being vulnerable and open with others, difficulty forming healthy attachments and relationships, reenacting similar dynamics in other relationships (example: a man marrying a controlling woman, one similar to his mother, and actively and continuously seeking her approval), anxiety, depression, and ongoing struggles with self-esteem and self-worth.

What I stated above in general terms has been true to me personally. My mother was my sole caretaker, there was no one but her in my life as a child (no other influence, at least non that was significant). She was extremely controlling and expressed her very intense emotions through protracted sessions of histrionics and drama. As a result, the authentic part of me went into hiding. Alienation and social isolation was the theme of my life. And yet, my authentic self, hidden and oppressed, never stopped trying to break into the surface and take its rightful space- space to be and to become.
is this your struggle too, Beni?

Yes that is my struggle!

It makes sense to me cause it explains my expirience of me in the world.
So what I practice is to not push in life. If I do not do something naturally. If it hurts me I wait. And life works this way. I’m inpatient to approach work life. Impatiance actually slows me down!

As long as I see it as means to prove something or I make a thing out of it while I still have the means to stay away from it. I will not take action. This vacuum of control in my life is difficult. In a way it’s a changing to myself doing it or the mind doing it.
And there is doubt of getting lost in concepts and maybe meditation or in beeing too loose. It’s really hard to archieve things with that kind of mind I have. I block so quick and forcing works only for a short time. I’m afraid of trying even.
Mhh, but actually it’s as it is and I can accept it. It’s the only thing that helps it seems.
I don’t want to be in contact with my family much and it’s difficult to invest in friendships or long term friendships naturally or to have a girlfriend. There is little I know and I’m capable of right now and I start to be in peace with it.

So for now I’m quite on a spiritual journey.

Let’s see what happens! Do you have any advice for me Anita?

Heey Anita,

I think that I do understand you. To understand more, I ask: can you elaborate on “Maybe I’m afraid of punishment. Or I can not forgive myself”?

Yes I’ll try. Thanks for asking. It feels like I need allowance to move on from this. I start to call it resentment.
A fear is: If I’m just another person from one day to another I’ll loose people from my life. Cause I have been betraying them all my life.

I’m volunteering in a kitchen at the moment and some days I feel alienated. And lately I did hardly do anything and I stood around. Slight things overwhelm me then. And I look very sad but below there is also much anger. So the best I can do is not panic and accept that I’m not very helpfull to the team in this Moment. I’m afraid that if I just surpess the strong emotions a little that I might loose control.
I hade some insight then that I can’t just be okay even there is no real problem. So I’ll observer that mindfully.

My mom would always make a tantrum about the kitchen it’s a public place she likes to control. Maybe that is what my resentment is about that I did/do not understand that.

So I read I should take responsibility for my behaviour in all cases (mentally) and therefore I would rephrase that this way:

I force myself to support and participate even when I’m not well and have other needs to take care of. Because I see the people around me as oppressive enemies who have no interest in understanding what I need and even would punish me if I would show myself vulnerable.

That’s why I want to feel alienated, angry and sad to let them know how horribly they mistreat me. By changing my behaviour I would communicate the opressor that it works to disrespect my dignity and I’d rather die than to admit their power over me.

Hi Anita,

Thanks for the reply 🙂

– As I understand it, you expressed a level of self-consciousness, fear of judgment, and an internal conflict about being true to yourself while participating in the forums. You find it difficult to help others because your motivations are not entirely clear to you, leading to confusion and discomfort.

I somehow lose myself in the process of helping. And then there is an expectation that I need to give to receive. So when I only receive I can feel uncomfortable. I’d like to understand better that people often do things without expecting anything in return and it’s more my view on things and the people wich conditioned me rather than truth. Do you wanna share you’re interest in this conversation and what you expect in return? What it nurishes in you?

I would say, Beni, that you and I do indeed have a lot in common: I too grew up in a very emotionally invalidating home, so much so, that I often refer to myself not growing up, but growing-in (emotions supprssed, turned inward), and I don’t feel that the word “home” applies to where I grew in.. because it was not a safe place, an emotionally-safe place that is (which is what a “home” is supposed to be).

I was severely and regularly invalidated. The emotional Consequences to me: Low Self-Esteem (a poor self-image and lack of confidence in my worth and abilities), Emotional Suppression (leading to difficulty in expressing emotions and a disconnect from my own emotional experiences: dissociation, numbing, being spacey/ not present), Chronic Anxiety and Depression (feeling isolated, misunderstood, and unable to trust my own emotions), Difficulty Identifying Emotions (an inability to recognize, label and therefore, manage my own emotions, resulting in confusion).

Social consequences: Relationship Issues (severe difficulties with trust, communication, and emotional intimacy), Attachment Problems (avoiding close relationships to protect myself from further hurt), Poor Boundaries (becoming overly accommodating to please others or becoming overly rigid to protect myself).

Cognitive Consequences: Negative Thought Patterns (such as self-doubt and negative self-talk), Impaired Problem-Solving Skills and Decision-Making (because of not trusting my own judgment and emotions as valuable tools in these processes).

I hear you suffer(d) much darling!
It makes me feel sad and tired.
How is it now where are you on your journey? How do you relate to your parents? Did you find your people? Do you attract the live and people you want to attract?

Heey, I just did a reply and it got lost on the way. Maybe I do another one later <3

Actually it is a true intention to impress and seek affirmation. Because I’m needy sometimes.

Thanks for sharing Jana <3
I feel a bit shy to be more active here. It seems I can be active here being more or less authentic. I think it’s difficult for me to help cause I try to help and that confuses me. Somehow it does not feel right. I tell myself that I use you all. And maybe sometimes I seek affirmation or try to impress and also it’s not my true intention. It’s difficult to accept that.
Thanks for encouraging!

Hey Jana,

I try to accept myself by remembering that I am a worthy member of humanity in this world. I am a good person, I want to do good and I want me and others be peaceful and happy. I am a very little drop in the ocean but I am fighting for a better world… my good deeds (however small), good thoughts, little smile… all this can help change the world to be a better place. I don’t give up. I keep being a good person. It’s worth it. And then I accept and even like myself…

Thanks for letting me know the work you do. I hear that you are dedicated in creating positive change and harmony in yourself and the world.
How do you accept the unworthy, proud and selfish parts the one’s which are in logic ‘not good’?

Answering your question:
I do video session with a psychologist which has experience in spirituality. I don’t know anyone in real life who has the space and is interested in my life enough or the right way. I had someone in summer when I was more lost who I could share the responsibility with. People have their own business and suffering.

Part of it is trauma creating this reality and the other is choice. Part of it is not being able to ask for it. Maybe I’m abandoning also opportunities in my life out of self manipulation, being ignorant not recognising opportunities. I think it’s also luck. I meet someone who can open up to me and I’ve been the first person in her life.

Know that I observe this with owl eyes.

You know if I find someone I’d move there. I’m really committed to this. And also I might need to go trough it alone. I might get overwhelmed being held by other people. I have been looking for a family all my life. Maybe I could find this delusive family in the amazonian rain forest. Or I wait till I can create it in myself. I grief about this inside.
It’s something which is giving me a hard time. I’m tired of chasing dreams..