Hi Anita,

Thanks for the reply 🙂

– As I understand it, you expressed a level of self-consciousness, fear of judgment, and an internal conflict about being true to yourself while participating in the forums. You find it difficult to help others because your motivations are not entirely clear to you, leading to confusion and discomfort.

I somehow lose myself in the process of helping. And then there is an expectation that I need to give to receive. So when I only receive I can feel uncomfortable. I’d like to understand better that people often do things without expecting anything in return and it’s more my view on things and the people wich conditioned me rather than truth. Do you wanna share you’re interest in this conversation and what you expect in return? What it nurishes in you?

I would say, Beni, that you and I do indeed have a lot in common: I too grew up in a very emotionally invalidating home, so much so, that I often refer to myself not growing up, but growing-in (emotions supprssed, turned inward), and I don’t feel that the word “home” applies to where I grew in.. because it was not a safe place, an emotionally-safe place that is (which is what a “home” is supposed to be).

I was severely and regularly invalidated. The emotional Consequences to me: Low Self-Esteem (a poor self-image and lack of confidence in my worth and abilities), Emotional Suppression (leading to difficulty in expressing emotions and a disconnect from my own emotional experiences: dissociation, numbing, being spacey/ not present), Chronic Anxiety and Depression (feeling isolated, misunderstood, and unable to trust my own emotions), Difficulty Identifying Emotions (an inability to recognize, label and therefore, manage my own emotions, resulting in confusion).

Social consequences: Relationship Issues (severe difficulties with trust, communication, and emotional intimacy), Attachment Problems (avoiding close relationships to protect myself from further hurt), Poor Boundaries (becoming overly accommodating to please others or becoming overly rigid to protect myself).

Cognitive Consequences: Negative Thought Patterns (such as self-doubt and negative self-talk), Impaired Problem-Solving Skills and Decision-Making (because of not trusting my own judgment and emotions as valuable tools in these processes).

I hear you suffer(d) much darling!
It makes me feel sad and tired.
How is it now where are you on your journey? How do you relate to your parents? Did you find your people? Do you attract the live and people you want to attract?

Heey, I just did a reply and it got lost on the way. Maybe I do another one later <3

Actually it is a true intention to impress and seek affirmation. Because I’m needy sometimes.

Thanks for sharing Jana <3
I feel a bit shy to be more active here. It seems I can be active here being more or less authentic. I think it’s difficult for me to help cause I try to help and that confuses me. Somehow it does not feel right. I tell myself that I use you all. And maybe sometimes I seek affirmation or try to impress and also it’s not my true intention. It’s difficult to accept that.
Thanks for encouraging!

Hey Jana,

I try to accept myself by remembering that I am a worthy member of humanity in this world. I am a good person, I want to do good and I want me and others be peaceful and happy. I am a very little drop in the ocean but I am fighting for a better world… my good deeds (however small), good thoughts, little smile… all this can help change the world to be a better place. I don’t give up. I keep being a good person. It’s worth it. And then I accept and even like myself…

Thanks for letting me know the work you do. I hear that you are dedicated in creating positive change and harmony in yourself and the world.
How do you accept the unworthy, proud and selfish parts the one’s which are in logic ‘not good’?

Answering your question:
I do video session with a psychologist which has experience in spirituality. I don’t know anyone in real life who has the space and is interested in my life enough or the right way. I had someone in summer when I was more lost who I could share the responsibility with. People have their own business and suffering.

Part of it is trauma creating this reality and the other is choice. Part of it is not being able to ask for it. Maybe I’m abandoning also opportunities in my life out of self manipulation, being ignorant not recognising opportunities. I think it’s also luck. I meet someone who can open up to me and I’ve been the first person in her life.

Know that I observe this with owl eyes.

You know if I find someone I’d move there. I’m really committed to this. And also I might need to go trough it alone. I might get overwhelmed being held by other people. I have been looking for a family all my life. Maybe I could find this delusive family in the amazonian rain forest. Or I wait till I can create it in myself. I grief about this inside.
It’s something which is giving me a hard time. I’m tired of chasing dreams..

Hey Jana,

Do you want tell me more about how you accept yourself?

I reported my own post by mistake, really inappropriate 🙂

Dear Anita,

I’m touched that you follow my story. I feel loved. Thank you for sharing your story. I feel sad to hear your suffering. I want to tell you about some success. I had last month.

I was deluded in romantic love When I lived it in reality my mind collapsed (it’s all true) my mind got more clear and now things seem to be changing. My psychologist we mainly do gestalt psychology (inner child) said that she thinks I’m growing up. I have her since one month. Since then my impulses are less strong. I need less sleep. I don’t really feel tired anymore. When I tell myself I love you I feel it. When I give myself a hug I feel it. When I hold my hand I feel it. I do learn a language since one month when previously I only could do that for 2 weeks. And I think the best. When I’m at a place it looks like I’m there for the first time every day. It doesn’t get boring (usually after a week). It’s like my brain is naturally stimulated. Also somehow anxiety got inside out.  At first I was afraid of eating and now I’m adding more and more things to my life. I’m still getting used to it and it’s a bit crazy. It’s beautiful and crazy 🙂

I think it’s most important for me now to do things I’m anxious of first with myself. Talk to myself. Play with myself. Take myself for walks go to the cinema. And then add people to it. To create secure attachment.

What do you think of that? Have you been trough something similar?