Hi Tee,

How is your back?

So far you haven’t talked about your father too much. How was he involved? Was he the one who sent you to your room when you were misbehaving?

Yeah, in my Memory yes. Mhh, my Dad was in Hospital as a child for one week and his mom couldn’t see him. I think that created some kind of void and he needs my mom and his job for it and my mom needs my dad. I think it’s about counterwil that when your personality is loose in a sense of a people pleaser can bend himself to please you maybe cope with someone solid to orient yourself.

My Dad is really good at making material presents. He can’t really say how he feels. Lately he said he was depressed for a decade in his 40ies. He would just say he’s alright all the time. My mom would always want to know how our day was or his day at work and we did not really wanna answer. It didn’t feel right. It was/is often a too open a question and doesn’t feel save to reply. It’s in someway food for something unwholesome. When you don’t listen but project yourself on the reply it can be painful to the replier.

My father was a people pleaser and basically, my mother’s enabler. He himself hasn’t abused me, but he didn’t do much to protect me from her criticism and harsh treatment. And he always tried to appease her, so to maintain the “peace” in the family.

Like he enabled by letting it happen? Appease mens to pretend everything is alright even if it isn’t?

I never had prejudice against men, though I didn’t like men who resembled (physically) to my father.

Luckily, I found a good husband and we have been happily married for many years now, although we did have our ups and downs. But our relationship grew and got stronger over time. So I am pretty happy with that aspect of my life.

Feels good to hear!

Interesting. So when imagining it, you feel good about it in the moment, but then you feel that you sort of “ticked the box” and you actually let go of that dream?

Yeah, it seems to be some way of coping with something.

You don’t engage it any more?

Yeah, I’m kinda over it. I learned the past year that if it happens I need to let go of it.

So sometimes you try to imagine your future, but you feel without perspective? Does it mean that nothing comes up that would excite you as your possible future?

When I say future here I mean the present future. I think it could be called black out. When you wanna meet a need but you do not know any strategy. No person you could meet. There is not much exciting then. I don’t enjoi it much but actually I’m present then and the mind is calm.

It seems that sometimes there is a certain burden and heaviness when you try to envision your future. It feels easier not to envision anything, but to only focus on the present moment, because staying in the now feels peaceful and grounded. Is that what you’re saying?

Yes, it seems to be wholesome to envision but it actually often isn’t.

What do you consider to be your higher needs?

If there is no external motivation I do it for myself.

Hi Tee,

I was impluseless lately. I’m rather being than doing.

In what sense were you intense?

I’m not shure, I have to ask her. I imagine needing a lot of attention.

Well, I always tried to console my mother, i.e. explain why she shouldn’t be so negative, why things are not so bad as she sees them (and I never succeeded). But that was already when I was an adolescent and in my early 20s. As a child, I wanted approval, I was a good kid, a good pupil. But I never got approval, e.g. I was never praised for my good grades. Instead, I was scolded if I got a B instead of an A. So I was supposed to be perfect.

I hear that you got the information when there was something to improve at school. Your parents did not let you know that and in your twenties you confronted your parents and you didn’t find a way to show them that there are different ways to look at situations.

Do you remember at least something from your childhood? Do you remember more from your teenage years?

The answer to the question is dependent on what I expect to remember. Like when I think at my childhood I get maybe straight away 2-3 situations. In 4 Minutes I get like 8 situations, I remember. I remember more from my teenage years. How much do you remember?

Okay, so when you feel vulnerable, you don’t have the compulsion to please her, to “console” her, to make her less sad, right? Because I am guessing (based on what you said about her earlier) that she tends to complain a lot and would like to receive sympathy from you. And she would “get high” on it, i.e. it would only confirm her martyr stance, right? But you don’t want to take part in that game of her playing the martyr, and so you are cold with her. You are not giving her sympathy, right?

Mhh, I think she did not complain to me in a direct way. It would rather be that it’s kinda dependent if the kitchen is in order and that I needed to do what she said else she could loose it. Like she needs an illusion of control. I just had a similar situation with her lately. Where she would say I need to do something right now! And I couldn’t do it. I’d just sat and looked at her. I’d have needed to hear her feelings to understand why it was so important and needed to be done right now. I did not understand. She said sorry after and I told her that in a case of emergency I need more information. I can’t take it if it’s being pushed around.

When you say that as a child you were strong for her, maybe it means that you didn’t want to express your own sadness or upset, not to bother her with it? Because she was burdened with her own stuff anyway. Maybe that’s when you rather smashed the window, or hit your own head, or got in tension with your younger brother?

Mhh, I eventually did express feeling hopeless. I was struggling at School. I was sent in my room for something when I smashed the window. Or I remember breaking some expensive things I got as a present.

So she wasn’t able to meet your emotional needs, and then you suppressed those needs in front of her, but then acted out in different ways, like smashing the window, having tension with your brother and suchlike. Is that what happened?

Mhh, maybe suppressed or I think I rather played a similar game. My dad and brother are more black and white and colder.

It’s a different level. Being kind to a stranger in the park is not the same as opening up to someone in all your vulnerability. In that sense it is “superficial”. But it is serving a purpose of you being true to yourself and doing acts of kindness – something that your heart is telling you to do. As you say, it’s honest and authentic. So it counts. But it’s a different level, of course.

Thanks for the word <3

Yes, it seems they couldn’t provide that emotional support for you. Perhaps they weren’t abusive (e.g. criticizing you harshly, or shaming you and humiliating you), but they simply didn’t pay attention to your emotional needs. So yeah, it would be emotional neglect.

Yes and they didn’t know how they feel themselves.

What do you think about daydreaming or imagine future situations, feelings are often included?

<p dir=”ltr”>Hi Tee,</p>

<p dir=”ltr”>I wonder if you, as a child, felt guilty for playing and simply having fun and being care-free, because your mother was always unhappy and sad, in the martyr mode? And so you felt guilty if you were happy and enjoying yourself?
And perhaps you rather did what was expected of you? Actually, now I’ve taken a look at you earlier posts: you said that you didn’t do what was expected of you, but would rather freeze or engage in a self-destructive behavior:</p>

<p dir=”ltr”>
I think I was strong for my mom. My mom tells me that I was really intense. I think you had a simillar struggle if I remember right.
I also don’t remember super much. It’s hard to differentiate between analyzis and expirience.
I have some memories of self destructive behavior. Where I destroy things I like or a window or hit myself on the head to find some exit for how I feel. Or me and my younger brother having tension.
Mhh, I notice that I’m cold to my mom when I feel vulnerable like I do not send emojis then. I don’t trust that she can handle it then. Like she would get high on it. There are pictures of me expiriencing myself. You know what Gabor sais, it’s what’s not there. Empathy and the ability to express how you feel, really listen with the heart. I do not remember my parents doing that. Telling me how they feel or having these moments of connection much. Even nowadays it’s difficult and often I create it. I meet people who tell their parents are like their best friend and that’s how I imagine is how it can feel when you can express yourself both ways.</p>

<p dir=”ltr”>That’s nice. You did say in the beginning of your thread that you would like to have a deeper connection with people (“Right know I belief that what I actually want is deep connection with people.”). So it seems you are doing that now, offering your selfless, pure love (in form of kindness and help to a stranger), and that’s how you are expressing what you couldn’t as a child, i.e. what was not appreciated by your mother (or both parents?)</p>

<p dir=”ltr”>
Mhh, yeah I do that and it seems to be wholesome. I still think the mentioned situation is in a way superfiscial but honest and authentic. It often feels not deep enough.</p>
<p dir=”ltr”>I feel that I long for a partner.</p>
<p dir=”ltr”>I think love couldn’t be received emotionally by my parents as much as I needed it or was toxic when given.</p>

<p dir=”ltr”>Yeah, it seems expressing your true self, your compassionate and loving self, is your priority at the moment. Also, expressing yourself perhaps in play (e.g. skate-boarding), or doing other activities that bring you joy, instead of getting stuck in the usual freeze response, which actually blocks your joyful self-expression.</p>

<p dir=”ltr”>
Yeah, that’s what I want most in live. So, simple. Thanks for the support Tee ,<3</p>

Hi Tee,

Oh… so you’re usually sick once a month with similar symptoms? But now it’s been lasting for 3 weeks, with symptoms ranging from exhaustion, feeling cold, feeling stiff, headaches etc. Sorry about that :/

Could be that your immune system is out of whack. Have you seen a doctor, or you already know this state, so it’s not something to seek help for?

Propably and Immunesystem whack, I’m finally getting better!

Actually I’ve been examining myself, and it could be psycho-somatic (I always seek possible mental causes of physical symptoms). So I kind of know what might be causing it.

So yeah, you’re right, it’s probably not physical worsening (hopefully!), but more like a signal of something that I am not doing right in my life, a signal of a limitation of mine. And now it’s time to start addressing it.

Haha, I do the same with the physical symptoms. Sounds like you’re confident and hands on about this!

Since then I’ve realized that I am worthy just because I exist, simply by having been born, and I don’t need to do anything to prove my worth.

Juhuu, feels good to read that. Reminds me at Gabor Maté I heard him say last week. Asking yourself if you’re good enough is the wrong question. Do you ask yourself if a tree is good enough or a Mounatin 🙂

However, I still have the need for achievement – not to prove myself to anybody, but to share my gifts and talents – to simply “shine my light” in a more deliberate way, if you will. So it’s kind of the need for self-expression and self-realization in one, you might say 🙂

Is it a way of giving love?

Okay, let me repeat it here again: you don’t know what your contribution (to the world) should be, and you want to pray for clarity on that.

My comment to that: how about listening within to what you want to offer to the world, rather than listening “without” (to a higher power to tell you)?

I belief in the way things are and so far haven’t met a higher power. It can be frustrating to know things you’d like to do and not being able to do them. I think praying can really help me to be an antidote to feeling helpless. Then I can pray for finding way’s to do what I want to do with joy. To overcome my obstacles in times of despair.

It sounds like if you don’t do things others expect from you (or you believe they expect), you fear that the person might feel rejected, and it causes you pain. And you feel helpless because you don’t want to hurt them, but at the same time, you don’t want to do it either. So you are conflicted. You feel ambivalence, and perhaps you freeze in that neither-nor state, not wanting to do it, but not able to reject it either. Am I interpreting this right?

Thanks for sharing this observation. What you write is very close to how I feel. Yeah, this impulse confuses me and it is a challenge to bear. What I do is to let go which takes some time and control.

It sounds like a healthy thing: to allow yourself time and space to flourish, not judging yourself, not rushing yourself, but being like a good parent, or a good friend, to yourself.

It feels good to read that 🙂

Hi Tee,

That’s okay if you don’t respond when you don’t feel like it. No pressure. I am sorry you got sick – is it something like the flu?

Thanks, I need to hear this over and over. Mhh, I wonder I actually am sick once a month an now since 3 weeks. Feeling exhausted, last week rather stiff, ill and headache this week more a cold, less dizzy. I wanna try omega-3 and Vitamin D maybe that helps.

I am again worse with regard to my back – it started hurting for apparent reason, without any wrong move, so I am perplexed. Not really panicking like last year, but it’s not a good feeling to go through it again, because I thought I’ve reached a certain state, where I was more resilient and more stable. But apparently not :\

Do I get you right, you put more stress on your back like exercise and now it started hurting? I can Imagine that you feel vulnerable and helpless cause what you did seemed to have less impact. Maybe it is something like a flashback and you are more resilient and stable than you think.

Well, it would be a positive contribution for the world, on a small scale of course, within my sphere of influence.

In a course in miracles they say that the valuation does not matter rather how it feels. I like that.
Is it rather that you wanna see yourself in a certain role in life doing a certain action to validate your existence?

You want to pray to know what you need to do? Like, you don’t know what your contribution (to the world) should be, and you want to pray for clarity on that? Sorry if I misunderstood you…

Yes, that’s it. Thanks for trying.

Ah, it sounds like you believe people have expectations on you, they want you to do something, and you feel pressured by it, and you don’t like it. (BTW there are no expectations from my side, so as far as I am concerned, please don’t feel pressured to reply).

I think expectation is a small part. If someone does not reply on a forum or the phone within a time it’s easy to feel rejected. It’s already special for our systems to communicate without seeing or hearing. And I noticed that for me it’s hard to accept that my action is maybe not the cause but reminds a person at her vulnerability. My system sees danger if I do not take action I can get into ambivalence then.

Okay, so you feel comfortable doing things at your own pace, in your own time, when you feel like it, not when someone tells you to do it, right? Is it related to your family and the expectations they have from you? Or other people’s expectations as well?

Thanks for asking Tee. Yes I do things in my pace, time and feel. It is like being a child and I think I need this type of space to flourish.

My pathway meets blocks every day
I see so many problems
but my mind’s the only one
that’s got them

If I change how I see my way
All my problems will be gone today
Cause a miracle is hiding in every dark corner
And there’s a divine light that shines the dark away
And if I wish to see that light with my own eyes,
Well the highest in me shows me how, well it tries.

All this dark is just in my mind – illusion
Cause every problem already got a solution
Everything is already okay
Life’s a miracle in every way
There’s a divine light that shines the dark away
I just got to shine bright to see the light…

the lyrics can also be found here on page 40 (same as 51 of the pdf): https://cdn0030.qrcodechimp.com/qr/PROD/63de5c0bef59a6b6430443b7/fm/mantras_for_miracles_full_song_book_a5_x2_compressed.pdf

yeah, the song makes me smile inside

Dear Tee,

I reply late, sometimes I get in to this mode where I do not reach out to people. I replied already two weeks ago and I didn’t like where ther reply came from and it took till now as it’s changing again.

Is it only related to physical pain (you mentioned sweet pain after you fall), or in general, in your life, when you are out of sync with your being, that you feel emotionally tense and heavy (no lightness)?

It’s a general thing.

Yes, to reach the goals which are aligned with my inner being, with who I am. Not someone else’s goals, but my own.

Maybe you feel comfortable to reply this question: ‘What do you imagine happens when you meet your career goal and how do you know you met it?’

What do you think about this approach?

I forgot to pray lately, I think when I come out of the energy that there needs to be change, that there is something wrong or missing rather than I whish this and this happens and not beeing attached to the outcome it feels natural. There’s much patience endurance involved and sometimes I doubt it.

Talking to our subconscious is another aspect of solving the problem,

I feel your’re right it feels different. Two weeks a go I thought it’s the same. It feels rather like speaking to a person and praying doesn’t feel like talking to anyone or thing

And another big part of solving the problem is the plan of action – daily activities to support our goal. This is what actually brings us closer to our goal. Talking about it and understanding it is not enough. We need action.

Makes sense how can we reach a goal when wo do not move in it’s direction taking the steps, we need to be very clear what our goals are and why we need it. This kinda triggers me cause I struggle to take action mucho. I do not know how so I patiently wait and things work out too and I take action too it is just is so slow.

I like this approach about problems: https://aylalove.bandcamp.com/track/problems-are-solutions-in-disguise-2

Hey Tee,

Cool! Does it help at all (in case you took it)?

I don’t know.

And maybe that’s why you prefer to listen to your body and track the pain, rather than give up some of those movements altogether? Like, you want to hear and follow your own inner voice, rather than some outer voice (doctor) telling you what to do?

Yeah, I want to follow my inner voice. Everything else is overhead, it feels kinda painful.

For me, it is connecting to my inner power.

I wonder what you mean by that or how you experience inner power.