Thanks for sharing Jana <3
I feel a bit shy to be more active here. It seems I can be active here being more or less authentic. I think it’s difficult for me to help cause I try to help and that confuses me. Somehow it does not feel right. I tell myself that I use you all. And maybe sometimes I seek affirmation or try to impress and also it’s not my true intention. It’s difficult to accept that.
Thanks for encouraging!

Hey Jana,

I try to accept myself by remembering that I am a worthy member of humanity in this world. I am a good person, I want to do good and I want me and others be peaceful and happy. I am a very little drop in the ocean but I am fighting for a better world… my good deeds (however small), good thoughts, little smile… all this can help change the world to be a better place. I don’t give up. I keep being a good person. It’s worth it. And then I accept and even like myself…

Thanks for letting me know the work you do. I hear that you are dedicated in creating positive change and harmony in yourself and the world.
How do you accept the unworthy, proud and selfish parts the one’s which are in logic ‘not good’?

Answering your question:
I do video session with a psychologist which has experience in spirituality. I don’t know anyone in real life who has the space and is interested in my life enough or the right way. I had someone in summer when I was more lost who I could share the responsibility with. People have their own business and suffering.

Part of it is trauma creating this reality and the other is choice. Part of it is not being able to ask for it. Maybe I’m abandoning also opportunities in my life out of self manipulation, being ignorant not recognising opportunities. I think it’s also luck. I meet someone who can open up to me and I’ve been the first person in her life.

Know that I observe this with owl eyes.

You know if I find someone I’d move there. I’m really committed to this. And also I might need to go trough it alone. I might get overwhelmed being held by other people. I have been looking for a family all my life. Maybe I could find this delusive family in the amazonian rain forest. Or I wait till I can create it in myself. I grief about this inside.
It’s something which is giving me a hard time. I’m tired of chasing dreams..

Hey Jana,

Do you want tell me more about how you accept yourself?

I reported my own post by mistake, really inappropriate 🙂

Dear Anita,

I’m touched that you follow my story. I feel loved. Thank you for sharing your story. I feel sad to hear your suffering. I want to tell you about some success. I had last month.

I was deluded in romantic love When I lived it in reality my mind collapsed (it’s all true) my mind got more clear and now things seem to be changing. My psychologist we mainly do gestalt psychology (inner child) said that she thinks I’m growing up. I have her since one month. Since then my impulses are less strong. I need less sleep. I don’t really feel tired anymore. When I tell myself I love you I feel it. When I give myself a hug I feel it. When I hold my hand I feel it. I do learn a language since one month when previously I only could do that for 2 weeks. And I think the best. When I’m at a place it looks like I’m there for the first time every day. It doesn’t get boring (usually after a week). It’s like my brain is naturally stimulated. Also somehow anxiety got inside out.  At first I was afraid of eating and now I’m adding more and more things to my life. I’m still getting used to it and it’s a bit crazy. It’s beautiful and crazy 🙂

I think it’s most important for me now to do things I’m anxious of first with myself. Talk to myself. Play with myself. Take myself for walks go to the cinema. And then add people to it. To create secure attachment.

What do you think of that? Have you been trough something similar?

Hey Jana,

I gave up on work for the moment. I gave up on family and people I have conditioning with for now. (I can have some contact on the phone) I seek to be by myself as much as I can feel the pain and I accept anxiety as a guide who tells me to slow down rather than in the past push trough. Cause I can not differentiate myself from others well. And i will mask / suppress myself.
Self love helps, to tell myself I love me. Giving myself hugs. Sauna is good when I suppress something. I try to hug myself till I can move again when feeling alienated. And I always looked for someone to do it with but it seems i have to go trough it alone. For now it takes very long and I don’t see how it can work in daily live. Also suppressing abandonment will wake up self harm. That’s why I let it affect me so much. I rather give it all the space it can get till I’m ready to face it.

Can you connect with that? Have you experienced alienation?

Hi Panditdevsharma,

Thanks for your Post here.

I want to understand you fully.

You say to align what you do with what you like to do and in ways you respect. To identify what makes you flourish, what you can do in playful ways. Things which make you get out of bed easily. It can be anything. Do it step by step, try to forget about the outcome. Stay with the moment solely knowing the direction you want to go.
Have people and places around you where you do not need to hide. Where you can be how you want to be.

Be aware of the steps you take. If you want to do something extraordinary consider it carefully. Maybe you have been wrong all the time. Maybe give it a try even if it’s scary. Most important is to focus on pleasing yourself.

This is how someone can find fulfilment in what he does.

What you write is simple in words. Like dry food 🙂 you need to add water to eat it. I think its beautiful. I feel happy that there are people out there who have much understanding. It means it’s possible to understand. That there are people who care. It means the world to me!

Hi Tee,

Also, you can say No to yourself. Is it in situations where you would want to indulge in things that you know are not good for you? Or in situations where your automatic reaction would be to freeze? But now you know better and you choose a more mature response, which is aligned with your true self?

I wrote it like these to things are connected but they are not. I think what I meant was that some parts are actually not me, they are someone else. This part’s I send away. These parts often also make me doubt my own boundaries and needs.

Ah, she understands that you don’t want to be bossed around, but she can’t help but lash out from time to time, right?

Yes, she she’s it but can’t change it.

Alright, so when you are in freeze, you are kind of depressed, doing nothing, perhaps using drugs to numb the pain?

Drugs don’t work for me. I have not tried psychedelics maybe they could. Conventional drugs do not really help. Listening to music helps it kinda makes the pain more enjoyable. Eating also doesn’t work anymore to cope. To cope creates confusion and clarity I have no space for that in my mind.

And then when you get out of freeze, you try to achieve some of your own goals, but you feel like your mother is trying to tell you what to do and what to achieve, so it feels like she is trying to control you?

Yes, it’s like a port of her in me. I want that part to go away.

That would be in line with what you’ve said that you want to stay independent of her, and that refusing to clean the kitchen (i.e. refusing to obey her orders) is a way of maintaining that psychological independence. So perhaps staying in freeze is also a way to stay psychologically independent from her – because you are withdrawn in your own shell and unreachable to her, and so she cannot control you?

I think I do freeze because I need to suppress my boundaries to be able to please someone which does not respect them.

You said that right now you are in the space where you are able to say No to other people’s requests, if they don’t align with your true needs. Do you think that with this new mindset, you’ll be able to participate in your father’s birthday party? Because earlier you said that you most probably won’t be able to go (My dad turns 60 and throws a big party I made shure I have time and I really want to go but right know it feels like I can’t go). Perhaps this has changed now?

My body is very clear about that. It feels like no way. I tried to start a process with my dad but I think he lacks the empathy and curiosity to make me feel save. So I could open up and we could find a way which I can attend.
I think the main thing is that my mum said:” I don’t even know if you attend at the birthday”. From that point on it shifted and it feels too dangerous to risk my integrity. I feel it’s unfair to my dad cause he got in between also I do not know anyone else who could help, my mom has no close friends. I could call her psychiatrist.
Also I can accept how it is right now, it might be necessary for my mental health to split very clear for  me to fully let go.