Hi Tee,

That’s okay if you don’t respond when you don’t feel like it. No pressure. I am sorry you got sick – is it something like the flu?

Thanks, I need to hear this over and over. Mhh, I wonder I actually am sick once a month an now since 3 weeks. Feeling exhausted, last week rather stiff, ill and headache this week more a cold, less dizzy. I wanna try omega-3 and Vitamin D maybe that helps.

I am again worse with regard to my back – it started hurting for apparent reason, without any wrong move, so I am perplexed. Not really panicking like last year, but it’s not a good feeling to go through it again, because I thought I’ve reached a certain state, where I was more resilient and more stable. But apparently not :\

Do I get you right, you put more stress on your back like exercise and now it started hurting? I can Imagine that you feel vulnerable and helpless cause what you did seemed to have less impact. Maybe it is something like a flashback and you are more resilient and stable than you think.

Well, it would be a positive contribution for the world, on a small scale of course, within my sphere of influence.

In a course in miracles they say that the valuation does not matter rather how it feels. I like that.
Is it rather that you wanna see yourself in a certain role in life doing a certain action to validate your existence?

You want to pray to know what you need to do? Like, you don’t know what your contribution (to the world) should be, and you want to pray for clarity on that? Sorry if I misunderstood you…

Yes, that’s it. Thanks for trying.

Ah, it sounds like you believe people have expectations on you, they want you to do something, and you feel pressured by it, and you don’t like it. (BTW there are no expectations from my side, so as far as I am concerned, please don’t feel pressured to reply).

I think expectation is a small part. If someone does not reply on a forum or the phone within a time it’s easy to feel rejected. It’s already special for our systems to communicate without seeing or hearing. And I noticed that for me it’s hard to accept that my action is maybe not the cause but reminds a person at her vulnerability. My system sees danger if I do not take action I can get into ambivalence then.

Okay, so you feel comfortable doing things at your own pace, in your own time, when you feel like it, not when someone tells you to do it, right? Is it related to your family and the expectations they have from you? Or other people’s expectations as well?

Thanks for asking Tee. Yes I do things in my pace, time and feel. It is like being a child and I think I need this type of space to flourish.

My pathway meets blocks every day
I see so many problems
but my mind’s the only one
that’s got them

If I change how I see my way
All my problems will be gone today
Cause a miracle is hiding in every dark corner
And there’s a divine light that shines the dark away
And if I wish to see that light with my own eyes,
Well the highest in me shows me how, well it tries.

All this dark is just in my mind – illusion
Cause every problem already got a solution
Everything is already okay
Life’s a miracle in every way
There’s a divine light that shines the dark away
I just got to shine bright to see the light…

the lyrics can also be found here on page 40 (same as 51 of the pdf): https://cdn0030.qrcodechimp.com/qr/PROD/63de5c0bef59a6b6430443b7/fm/mantras_for_miracles_full_song_book_a5_x2_compressed.pdf

yeah, the song makes me smile inside

Dear Tee,

I reply late, sometimes I get in to this mode where I do not reach out to people. I replied already two weeks ago and I didn’t like where ther reply came from and it took till now as it’s changing again.

Is it only related to physical pain (you mentioned sweet pain after you fall), or in general, in your life, when you are out of sync with your being, that you feel emotionally tense and heavy (no lightness)?

It’s a general thing.

Yes, to reach the goals which are aligned with my inner being, with who I am. Not someone else’s goals, but my own.

Maybe you feel comfortable to reply this question: ‘What do you imagine happens when you meet your career goal and how do you know you met it?’

What do you think about this approach?

I forgot to pray lately, I think when I come out of the energy that there needs to be change, that there is something wrong or missing rather than I whish this and this happens and not beeing attached to the outcome it feels natural. There’s much patience endurance involved and sometimes I doubt it.

Talking to our subconscious is another aspect of solving the problem,

I feel your’re right it feels different. Two weeks a go I thought it’s the same. It feels rather like speaking to a person and praying doesn’t feel like talking to anyone or thing

And another big part of solving the problem is the plan of action – daily activities to support our goal. This is what actually brings us closer to our goal. Talking about it and understanding it is not enough. We need action.

Makes sense how can we reach a goal when wo do not move in it’s direction taking the steps, we need to be very clear what our goals are and why we need it. This kinda triggers me cause I struggle to take action mucho. I do not know how so I patiently wait and things work out too and I take action too it is just is so slow.

I like this approach about problems: https://aylalove.bandcamp.com/track/problems-are-solutions-in-disguise-2

Hey Tee,

Cool! Does it help at all (in case you took it)?

I don’t know.

And maybe that’s why you prefer to listen to your body and track the pain, rather than give up some of those movements altogether? Like, you want to hear and follow your own inner voice, rather than some outer voice (doctor) telling you what to do?

Yeah, I want to follow my inner voice. Everything else is overhead, it feels kinda painful.

For me, it is connecting to my inner power.

I wonder what you mean by that or how you experience inner power.

Hi Tee,

Sorry for the late reply. I think I might be a bit defensive in part of the answer I hope that’s good enough.

How bad is it? They are some exercises for that too, if you’re not already doing them?

This I think is addressed with strengthening. I do hardly feel it, I think my lower back feels more unstable.

I see… maybe you tried to push yourself in those first 2 months, to get over it quickly, and that’s why it sometimes hurt a lot, and it warranted an injection?

I did the injection because the doc told me the insurance might not pay. I was afraid that when I do not have pain I might overdo myself. That time I had very clear feedback from my body when I needed a break. Now it’s not so clear sometimes it’s activity sometimes mood.

Anyway, I feel I had to address it, because I think it’s an important topic… What do you think and feel about this?

I see your point, that’s why I ride ramps mostly they’re round you fall different you have less impact. It feels okay to do it. I use my body different than a year ago way more conscious. My mind worries about those things and I figured I need to learn from experience. This is somehow more important than taking perfect caution. I can’t change it by myself I so I accepted it for now.

I might have been projecting, because maybe you found a way to do those moves safely, so that they are less likely to cause you injury?

I use my body way more cautious these day’s way more soft and I take more breaks. Maybe that’s good enough.

May I ask how strong is this pain and how long it lasts?

It’s not really pain it’s more that my right leg feels a bit different (colder) and I have like a 1 in my back if it gets more I just stop.

I am sorry if my previous post contributed to your insecurity, by me “siding” with the doctors and telling you to do what “makes the most sense”, i.e. what is usually recommended for this type of injury.

Yeah, I kinda wanna let go of that cause it’s most times a combination between mood and physical activity or one of them. And if I’m honest I don’t know what it is and I noticed that I need to let go of these good/bad beliefs. Wrong movement that’s too easy to say.

I think this is what is what inspired me to handle it this way:

A friend told me that he was allergic to apples for most of his life cause his grandma told him when he was coughing:’ Oh, you must be allergic to apples’. I think what we belief can make a big difference and we need to be careful what we let in our minds.

A Neuro-Surgeon told me that it’s hard for doctor’s to know if what they did helped or if it was placebo. And he’s researching this.

I did some mistakes in the beginning when I had it. I just went working on the construction site the day after and at the end of the day I couldn’t walk straight. I hear that you did a small move and had big impact which makes you very cautious. I think this is how we are conditioned mostly. Because you had this experience you can be that cautious.

Take care, Beni!

I do 😉

Heya Tee,

yeah, piriformis can press on the sciatic nerve too. But since you feel it while lifting something heavy, I guess it has to be a disc bulge, right? Did you get a scan to have it confirmed?

Yes, it can be seen on the scan. Ah and I have the thing where part of the spine is not connected. (Spindolysis)

Do you also feel it while snowboarding/skateboarding? You mentioned that you sometimes fall and experience pain, and then you start fearing a little… is it your sciatic pain that you feel when you fall?

Not really, when I have a lot of impact I usually feel it more the day after. Also there’s a part of me is expecting that this happens.  I try to let go of that belief that there is right an wrong movement. I wanna follow what feels light and bright.

I am glad you are now better, not experiencing so much pain. You said it was caused by a lot of physical activity. Was it caused by heavy lifting by any chance? Sometimes people get a disc bulge while weight lifting, or even by working their leg muscles in the gym.

I was Skating a 3.5m high half pipe the day before and there was no ladder then you run up a lot.
Doing the sideway sports I noticed made my righ hip tilted forward and my left is rather stiff. I move alot the other way these days and try to strengthen my other side.
Neal Hallinan (Youtube) has some interesting aspects too and has inspired me about different types of exercises and that unsymetrticallity of the body which is given anyway with the heart and the lungs and having a strong hand, foot and eye.

Have you done some exercises for pain relief after it happened? Or it just went away on its own?

I wonder what I’ve done for shure a lot and only a few things constant. I did the intrusion where they inject cortisol close to the spine. I went surfing in Norway maybe it was the change of environment or the intrusion cause it went better then. Cycling was the best for pain relief. I couldn’t stand more than 10 min and in the beginning I needed to cycle in the middle of the night to get some relief. I brought a bike to Norway I would feel insecure without it. Hanging is good and I did it occasionally also many people told me this. Stretching calves and hip flexors. And to feel my abs and back muscles conscious. I tried to force posture by time and then let go of it again. Ah and dry needling might have helped too.

Maybe there is a way to make progress with it, maybe to exercise more, push myself more. But I am a bit apprehensive to push myself too much, because it starts hurting. So far I am happy that I can maintain this relatively low level of pain, even if it limits me quite a bit.

I’m afraid to push or even too allow myself to keep going like this. I think it’s important what environment I put myself in. I think I couldn’t do some jobs where I stand all day without walking also sitting all day does not feel right.

This monk told me to never push when I was moving a cart and that I should use the weight of my body (I was already out of breath then 🙂 ). When I had the injury I pushed myself with my mind I noticed that I just could keep going if I kept pushing I thought that’s how to progress. It’s the opposite of play. It’s kinda that I moved my body with my mind. In my body this creates tension.

My body somehow knows what can be done I just need to listen and let it happen.

Do you expirience the pain on a specific side? And rather in the legs or in the back itself?

Hi Tee,

Haha, not boring at all! I wish my life were boring and I were free from all of these “surprises”…

I’ll light a candle!

You might want to check her out too.

Yayy, very appreciated. I just started doing Feldenkreis and it enjoy to explore how my body moves.

You mean you feel guilty for bringing yourself into a risky situation? And feeling abandoned by good fortune/universe when you do fall and injure yourself?

It’s rather an observation that when I stay in my body’s space in the world it’s hard to get injured physically. It’s rather risky to do something without confidence while being in fear or when not connected with the body or not able to follow the body.

Hm.. not sure what you mean here? Are you saying that you injure yourself because a part of you believes that risky moves/extreme sports aren’t good for you? That this thinking serves like a “placebo”, which makes you more prone to mistakes while skiing/skating?

I forgot to tell you the fundamental of what I write is. My back started hurting last spring. I feel glimpses of the pain (3-4%).  It’s also me pushing myself which creates the condition and what the doc says. It’s confusing cause I expirience that it’s what I belief is good and bad which creates this experience. I start to belief that to heal it’s better to fully trust in my body rather then doing what makes the most sense. That’s creating insecurity cause I do not know what I’m doing.

Okay, we are in slightly different situations, because I am pretty risk averse and would be afraid to get into sports where one can fall a lot 🙂

When you get injured is it physical? I notice it changes as I get older. I’m more prone to injuries or sensitive to pain.

Sorry if I misunderstood you… It’s an interesting topic by all means and I’d like to understand more of your dilemma.

I have to smile when I read the word dilemma 🙂 cause I don’t take myself too serious.

I think when I wrote it, it was more like that I’m so curious about this topic and there’s so much potential and hope that I have to talk about it as soon as the topic goes in such a direction. It’s in someway reactive and also authentic. Also I thought it might benefit you to hear it cause I see all that.

Does it feel right to you when you act reactive? Is it a need which is hold back and needs to be met and we failed to meet it earlier?

Have a good day 🙂