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Hey there Bob. Thanks for the reply.
I have broken up with my current and am going through the process of healing. She took it hard, and it was extremely difficult to tell her to let go of everything we said and promised, but like Bob said, I took a step forward and thought of her emotions. I didn’t want to put her in that emotional chaos and uncertainty anymore, so I had to really tell her to let go even if I myself am still holding on. Things have been rocky and confusing between us since I had attempted to stay friends. I still do love her, very much so…and I look for her everywhere and I am still very much happy to see her, but deep down i feel that i made the right choice for myself, and maybe for her as well.
My friends have been telling me to get back with her since they all see that we still very much do love each other, but i just cant bring myself to because of the damage that was done and how we kept on fighting and how we couldnt really understand each other. They say if i really did love her, i would find a way to make it work, i would find a way to be compatible and stuff. Something seems to be wrong with the statement, i just cant put my finger on it. After hearing those things, I found myself plunging into self-doubt. I do love her, but could i have done more? These questions just arise and make chaos in my head again.
It would be great if anyone could give me some enlightenment on the issue. Thank you all.
I know where you’re coming from, as my friend has depression too. Only, when I told my friend I needed myself as well and that I had needs too, my friend did not take it too well and got angry with me. Nowadays, I usually stay silent and keep a strong stance when my friend tells me off and goes on with the sarcasm and the anger, keeping in mind that perhaps this is because of the depression and the numerous traumas experienced in the past. It wasn’t always like this though, as I used to weep profusely whenever this happened because I took it very personally. I’ve grown harder since that time, and I’m not sure if that is good or bad because I’ve either grown stronger or more numb. Like you, I found the depression contagious as well, that is why I am trying to set-up my boundaries and reinforcing them.
Thank you for your very detailed reply! I cannot tell you how relieved I am just by reading it.
Yes, you are exactly right. I feel that my friend has extremely unreasonable demands and expectations, even though I think my friend feels like it’s a very small request.
I have told my friend exactly what you have said many times before, that I do care and that I want this person to be happy, but I have my limits and I cannot go on and on for so long anymore and that I needed myself as well. Needless to say, this person became very bitter and angry towards me, often saying that I am making this person a placeholder, a chore in the time between dinner and sleep, and that I only accommodate this person only when it’s “convenient” for me, like an office meeting or so and when the time is up, that’s it, I leave this person hanging and feeling abandoned. I have always tried to stick with I position, but in the end it makes me feel very sad and guilty whenever my friend says these things.
The reason why this person has such a hold on my is because this person was my first ever friend in college. This person has taught me a lot of meaningful things, and is very fun to be with when not in…this state. This person means a lot to me, and I do try my best to be there when I can. I know this person cares for me very much as well, but like you said, the expectations and demands are extremely unreasonable, it’s become very overwhelming.
- This reply was modified 8 years, 6 months ago by Life Seeker.
Hello there Anne. Thank you for your encouraging reply. I’d like to think that I am a great and genuine person, I really do. I just don’t think I have been lately because of the sins of my past. I’ve talked to her close friends already, but like me, they can only give their support as the parents think that her depression is only “drama.” If only they knew how deep it is right now. I am afraid for her, terribly so.
I try to stay positive and strong, and I try to tell myself that what I’m doing must be done and that maybe this is for the best, but I just get so confused over what I’m thinking and I end up depressed and hurt. I try to tell myself this is normal. It is, isn’t it?
I just wanted to let you guys know that I did it. Three days ago, she called me up and I found that I couldn’t hold it in anymore and I told her that I wanted out and that it isn’t working out because it wasn’t fair to the both of us. I felt that her anger was getting too much to bear, and I know that she has been giving much more than what I was giving into the relationship. She felt hurt, and I felt hurt, and after a long time of arguments and fights, I felt like I had to end it. As expected, she took it hard. She has been crying herself to sleep everyday, she feels lonely and abandoned, and she feels like she’s been betrayed with all the hopes and the promises gone. She thought that I would keep my promise that I would always stay, she had faith that we would always be together, and that I would never give up on her. She felt like I became one of those people who got up and left when they had enough. She felt like love was always trying to fix something till it bled you dry, to give till it bled you dry. While I agree to those to some extent, I just really felt that some things couldn’t be fixed, and that some things you just had to do on your own. She said that she would always keep hoping for me to come back, and that she would never get over me and that she would always love me. I understand that love goes beyond the bounds of the relationship, and in that way I could say that I would always love her too. She kept reading all those letters we exchanged, those promises that we made together and dwelled on them. She felt like I had changed, and that I had given up so easily. I couldn’t help but cry when I heard these things, I couldn’t help but kill myself over how she was feeling, how she put everything into the relationship only to have it end like that. It depressed me that all those dreams and promises are now gone, but I felt I did the right thing. I just kept on thinking to myself that she deserved someone better, someone that would love her the way she wanted to be loved, someone who was sure, someone who treated her fairly and gave her what she wanted. Not some guy who disappointed her and got her hopes up all the time, not me.
I just get so confused about how this is supposed to be and I would like some enlightenment. Was this an act of love? Was my leaving because I did not want the both of us to hurt each other so badly anymore an act of love? My inner voice tells me that it is, but I don’t know if that’s just me reasoning or deluding myself into believing it.
Also (another thing entirely that I would like some advice with), at the end of our phone call, I hear her mom knocking loudly and shouting at her that her dad was waiting so long for her to come down to the table and eat for lunch. The mom was scolding her for making the dad wait so long because of the phone call we were having. The parents were oblivious to the fact that their daughter was depressed, and just had her heart severely broken. This kind of thing has been going on for as long as I remember (since childhood I believe, as she had told me). The obvious neglect of the parents to the depression makes me very angry because of the pain and the trauma it has caused the girl. I find myself wanting to go up to them and raging at them, telling them how badly they’ve treated their daughter, but I don’t think that’s the best solution. If you guys have any input on this, it would be very much appreciated, please. I know that I have just broken up with this girl, but I can’t shrug the willingness and the wanting to help.
Thank you for your time. I’m sorry if it seems like I’m complaining and such.
- This reply was modified 8 years, 6 months ago by Life Seeker.
I keep asking myself, am I giving up on her when I said I wouldn’t? Is never giving up a good thing or a bad thing in this situation? Does letting go mean giving up? Am I among those people who gave up on her? Am I the same as them? Am I among those people who run and give up when they’ve had enough or when it gets too much to bear? I don’t want to give up on her, I don’t. I still would like to help her, because that’s the kind of person I am. In some way, in any way. I realize that I can’t keep shouldering her problems and she needs to do something about those things, if only I could find a way to get her there. But I can’t ignore this inner voice inside me telling me that “enough is enough” no matter how harsh it sounds to both her and I. I can’t ignore those happy memories that make me smile every time but I can’t ignore the reality of things either. I still love her, and even if I leave I know that I would still love her, if that makes any sense. But does love mean sticking around or going? Those unfulfilled promises and dreams, where do they go? Am I a horrible person for letting those go? Am I a horrible person for making someone hope and turning that hope to dust?
I’m sorry if I’m getting a bit too dramatic. I over think things too much, I know. These questions (and many others) have overwhelmed my mind and my heart for as long as I can remember, and these thoughts just eat me inside and leave me paralyzed.
Hello there. I can’t thank you guys enough for your replies! They are very reassuring.
Yes, you are absolutely right. I talked to her about the necessity of getting over the past a lot of times already, but she wouldn’t have it, saying things like “you think it’s that easy?” or “that’s easy for you to say” or “so you just want me to get over it, just like that?” in an angry tone of voice. Then I find myself not being able to speak. I have also talked to her about getting help, and she does want to. Her parents are the ones who don’t seem to understand though as they think it’s all “drama” even when she showed them her cuts.
Hello there! I believe you are right in knowing what my answers are to those questions. Although she did seem very strong and very caring in the beginning, but in the end it just turned out like this. I’ve always told myself that maybe it’s because of me, maybe she’s worn out because of all the drama that happened. If I do leave, she will most definitely blame herself, which to me sounds really bad.
I talked about her to give a bit of context to my story, but yes, I still do as she was my friend. I left her for the girl i am with now because those three things most probably, but also because she seemed so strong and she seemed to hold it together at the time despite the depression.
My inner voice tells me that you are right, as blunt and simple as your reply sounds (although I do appreciate it very much) and it may be for the best since I feel that both of us are just bringing each other down and only occasionally bringing each other up by being sweet.
If I do leave her though, I fear that she might do something drastic since two of her friends have already left her within the past year for the same reasons. Of course I will still care about her even after I leave, and I fear that she might be too devastated.
Please don’t think of the girl I am with now as a terrible person, please. She’s a good person, really.
Right now we aren’t really on good terms. It’s just that everything that has been happening has been…too much…for the both of us.