Hello, Struggling.  I am going to be completely, but kindly honest in this post while admitting that I may be completely wrong.  One thing I do want to suggest is that if your partner does change his mind and agrees to go to counseling, I would HIGHLY recommend a particular type of therapy called IMAGO.  I am no expert on it but have participated in this type of counseling for problems I was having in a romantic relationship and I found it to be so very enlightening.  I learned things about myself, about my partner, and about a different way to communicate.  As for my opinion of your relationship, I believe it is time for you to make a hard decision about whether or not you will stay and continue to be devalued and demeaned as I believe you are now.  There are so many responses he could have given you to your VERY IMPORTANT questions such as “Do you want me to leave” that would have communicated his unwillingness to discuss it without being hurtful and dismissive of you and your feelings.  He could have simply said “yes” or “no.”  He could have said “That’s a serious question.  I really cannot handle talking about something like that right now.  I’ve had a brutal week at work, I’m exhausted and I’m in a lot of pain.  Can we discuss it on “X” day when I’m not so worn down?”  I also have chronic pain and although I am not comparing mine to his, I will say that while it has changed me for the worse (very low frustration tolerance and severely decreased patience level), it is never an excuse to be hurtful (especially on a consistent basis) and without apologizing.   Can you imagine being truly in love with someone who asks you “Do you want me to leave?”  When I imagine that, even if I did want them to leave my heart would ache for them and the uncertainty, anxiety, and pain they must be feeling to even ask that.  I don’t think it is too much to ask of someone to give you some minutes of their life and a truthful but respectful and kind answer regardless of how much physical pain they are in or how limited their communication skills are.  I think you need to ask yourself why you have stayed with this person for this long, even with his good qualities.   What do you believe you deserve in a relationship?  Do you deserve honesty, kindness, affection, consideration, a little latitude for your quirks and insecurities, accountability from your partner for their mistakes, forgiveness, etc.?  I think you both deserve all these things and more.  Can you imagine yourself receiving the love, affection, validation and consideration you long for?  So maybe it is time to determine if this man can meet your needs and you can meet his?    And if it the answer is no, then I believe it is time to communicate the same to him in a compassionate way, move away from this pain, allow yourself to grieve, forgive him and yourself for all the mistakes you made, try to learn from them, try not repeat them, and move on toward a healthier relationship.  I wish you all the love, kindness and respect we all deserve.