Forum Replies Created
December 27, 2015 at 11:51 pm #90742
Thank you, all, for the kind words and the encouragement. I will try and get help.
Hi Christina, it’s good to hear we have similar experiences. Never expected animal shelters to be full of angry people, did you? Me neither. It was a hard decision to stop giving my time and money but ultimately I need to take care of myself first.December 23, 2015 at 9:05 pm #90496
FYI, I have a younger sister whose experience with our father and brother is completely different. I’d like to think it’s because I was there as a buffer that after my father was done taking out whatever his issues were on me, my sister then got to experience the gentler version of him. She is also friends with my brother especially because they are only 2 years apart and share the same social circle. My brother can get protective of her sometimes. While as a firstborn, my parents always told me to take care of my siblings so they end up see me as a guardian and not a sister.December 23, 2015 at 8:06 pm #90476
I did volunteer at an animal shelter few years back (I’ve been dealing with this personal crisis for a few years now). I volunteered my time as well as giving money but the people there were so negative that after 1yr+ of volunteering I just gave up because each time I came home I was left more exhausted mentally than I’d been before.
I’ve tried opening myself up, enrolling in a foreign language course, attending makeover workshops, none worked. Each time I came home feeling exhausted, deserted, empty, like I don’t see the point of it all. Why do I bother trying to do all those things?
Just to clarify, I don’t think I feel guilty because I don’t have true suffering. Rather, I feel confused because my life is good by anyone’s standard yet I am discontented and I don’t know why. All I know is that, for everything that is going well in my life, I just can’t seem to be happy. It’s like my brain is diseased. I was happy when Kirsten Dunst came out about her depression. She’s by all account successful and has a better life than most people, yet that doesn’t exempt her from feeling low.
The part that bothers me the most is how I keep longing for a boyfriend even though I have this very good girlfriend who still adores me, tells me I’m beautiful, tells me she’s lucky to have me, and she always takes my feelings and desires into account, even after 8 years together. I know a lot of people who would kill to have a partner like that and here I am, wasting it all away just because she doesn’t have a penis.
I’d like to reiterate that I’m not confused about my sexuality. Few years ago I had what you would probably call a mental breakdown. It was so severe that my gf and I separated for a week. During which, I hooked up with a couple of men I found from Craigslist. I consider it my rock bottom. It makes me sick to my stomach how careless and stupid my action was, all because I have this stupid Father Wound I was trying to heal.
I want to ‘adopt’ a father figure, believe me, but years of abuse from my father and brother have left me with a damaged self-esteem that makes me uncomfortable around men, especially if they are nice. If a man is being nice to me, I have to get away right that second, my brain just can’t register the stimuli, I would literally run away from them and then go to the bathroom and cry. Also, deep down, I would always question their sincerity. Why would a stranger care about me? My own dad and brother don’t, and they are my immediate family.
And this worthless feeling extends to my birthmark as well. I keep thinking, if I had a father who showed me unconditional love, that he’d love me, birthmark and all, then I wouldn’t have this much of an issue with it.
FYI, Inky, I know you can get some birthmarks removed but mine is the cafe au lait type and it is extensive, it covers parts of my limbs, back, and torso. If I dressed conservatively (say, anything you’d wear to the church), you wouldn’t be able to tell at all. I’ve of course researched about how to get rid of it (internet + see a doctor), they all say they can try lightening it with laser but it will have to be done in sessions, it will be expensive, and it will re-appear after a few years. Seems like much ado about nothing so i always decide against it in the end but every now and then, it gets to me, you know.