Anita,

“We can examine the thoughts you listed and the questions at the end of your post with the thoughts. Would you like to do that?”
I would like to do that.

Dear Anita,

From all the sources I’ve read, life purpose is what I ultimately want to do in life. Peace can come. I’m sure peace will come. But I want to inspire people. I want them to look at me and be inspired by what I do and change lives into better. This is what I want to do. It’s not just living from day to day with a 9 to 5 job wanting to kill myself because I’m not doing what I want. I want peace of mind, tranquility as well as a good life. That means not doing 9 to 5. I want to be paid doing my thing. This is what I think life purpose is.

Dear Anita,

I am sorry about my language. I will not use that kind of language again.

90% of the time this happens :
– If this is my life purpose, shouldn’t this be easy for me even if it’s hard ?
– If I want to do this for real shouldn’t I be able to take all the hits easily and get up afterwards because it is worth the pain ?
– Will I make it ?
– Am I doing this just for fame ?
– Every half hour I go to smoke a cigarette to have a break
– I’ve been doing this exercise for a week and I can’t see any result. ANY.
– Is this not what I want to do ?
– If not then why aren’t I able to have a definete NO answer ?
– Do I have mental issues asking all this questions ?
– Oh I have to do those boring exercises again to be better.
– In the beginning I stayed 6-7 hours reading sheet music and learning songs
– Now I’m not doing that.
– That means I am not interested in it anymore ?
– Why do I give up everything in my life after awhile
– Shouldn’t I be hungry to learn more music from sheet music or in general ?
– WHY THESE THOUGHTS WON’T STOP ?
I am trying to bring my awearness up but it doesn’t work in this situation.
After I do at least 2 hours of guitar a day I feel at ease.
– Do I feel at ease because I’m not playing anymore ?
– Does that mean that it is not for me ?
– Or is it because I am not used working hard towards something ?
– How can I be sure ?
– Why am I not feeling the magic again ?
– Am I doing this just for the ego?
– Is only the ego making me do this so I don’t just slack off all day and actually do something with my life ?
If i remember more i will edit this and let you know i edited it.
But I am really grateful because you spend your precious time helping the helpless. May your life be enlightened.
Also since I started meditating I get confused there as well:
– Is this the awearness ?
– How do I know I am aware and I’m not.
– If I kinda have an image of my body when I pretend to be aware ?
– I feel the bad emotions but now they are not really that hard on me. Does it mean I just observe ? Does that mean I am aware ?
– What’s the difference between awarness and thought ?
– Is awarness just a thought ?
Some of them.

….:(

Dear Anita,
You indeed do have a point. But I’ve been practising for a month and I don’t really see results…which is frustrating…it seem like work…doesn’t feel like playing…when I do something I love shouldn’t that feel like play time ? I feel I’m grinding now and it feels awful. Shouldn’t I be open to take all the hits if I really want this ? Shouldn’t I be okay with the negative thoughts or shouldn’t they just disappear? How can I know I’m on the right track ? How do I know I am just wasting my time? I’ve got a life to live and I want to impact the world with something………….I feel so lost and those doubtful thoughts never stop….I want them to stop…I meditate and the moment I am done they come again and again and again and again ………. help …..I really need someone to help me….but I’m kinda aware that I have to solve this on my own and it makes it even scarier.

I wouldn’t mind the hard part when you don’t have enough money or people don’t like your art. I just want to get to the point where I don’t care….I’m just doing my thing. And as I write this I kinda want to cry because I’m exactly the opposite right now.