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That’s hard! I found that detaching myself from those people and situations was the best thing for me, at least when I kept getting caught up in the negativity – it’s like these people are rolling down the yucky negative hill and you end up going down with them!! So, when I knew I couldn’t stand my ground in a positive way I detached and it helped me a lot. Then, later after many months if I was around one of these people again, I felt stronger and was able to not engage with their negativity and be pulled in/down by it. I found surrounding myself with positive ideas – in books, people, nature, friendships, new activities, exercise, healthy fresh food, sunshine if you can get it, inspiring art, ,making the most of whatever my community had to offer around me; all these things really helped and still do help me a lot.
Good luck to you, I’m sure you will find a way of getting on a more positive path and staying there! Peace.January 9, 2014 at 11:18 pm in reply to: He left me 3 years ago yet my heart is still holding on…help! #48839
Hello everyone, Lucia, Kathy David,
I can’t thank you enough for your kind and encouraging words. I will surely check out those authors and books you’ve all mentioned. Kathy I have been reading a daily meditation called The LAnguage of Letting Go by Melodie Beattie (who you may know wrote Co Dependent No More for people with addictions and those in relationship with addicts/those addicted to a relationship). I’ve found it helpful day by day. And yes David, self-esteem is a huge problem for me-presume away as you would be quite right!! I took a risk to follow my heart to come to London about 6 years ago and as a result of this relationship I have also lost a friendship circle who I loved here, and dealt with this on my own. I have previously been a pretty level headed, balanced, happy person but I feel so abandoned and just livid about the situation. I was the new one in the group, and being from overseas, I don’t know that any of those people really understood the investment I was making with my time and energy and heart, at the expense of other things, when I arrived here, and then in turn how hard it was for me when they all stopped contacting me because of having broken up with this guy (the first time we fell out). I lost him -the man I loved-and I lost them -the group I felt was my group of people here-and one of the complicated aspects of this relationship was that the friendship circle became like a drawing card of power for him; I knew that if we were together I would see these people and if we weren’t I wouldn’t. It sounds silly and if I had a friend in this situation I would think these people weren’t really good friends to have around anyway…but how difficult it is to be in this situation yourself! I never in a million years would have thought I would end up here, feeling so destitute and lonely, still struggling to forgive and come to terms with what happened…he is happy and has moved on well and truly, while I am struggling so hard in London I think I will need to go home. It has been too long now and I can’t seem to find a happier place in myself here since this, it is draining all my energy just to survive. Kathy I totally get the crying – I cry all the time, especially night time. Maybe we can keep encouraging each other…thanks again everyone. I am still determined to get through this, I really want to get better, but I wonder if I need to change countries to do this. Has anyone ever had to move to really help them move on form a relationship?
I really feel for you, this sounds like a really tough and draining relationship and series of events you have been through in many ways. Though I also hear there have been some special times too, making it all the more difficult to move on as you have tried to save a relationship with a person precious to you who you invested so much of your heart and time in. It is heartbreaking and all the more difficult when you feel bad about yourself to begin with as you described in your background. I am sorry its been so hard for you, and I do relate by the way, I have a similar experience…anyhow, if its any use, I recommend a book called Necessary Endings by Cloud and Townsend. It has really helped me with a situation different to yours yet so similar in that I had someone use me and run me around with all sorts of complicated actions, pulling me into an intense love relationship and then rejecting me again and again and again…a little what it sounds like here, it has been so hard and the effect was I felt so terrible about myself many years afterwards – I truly relate to what you’re saying there. For me it has been three years since this man first proved himself unworthy of my trust by cheating on me, and I kept going back and trying to resolve things, only to be betrayed again and again by lies and more. My advice to you is that you cannot be friends with this person and that you really need to go and make friends with yourself and focus on learning to love yourself. Let yourself have fun and learn to be happy, get some counselling and allow yourself the self-care and love of only – and I mean ONLY – being around and engaging in activities that nurture your self-esteem and belief in love and life again. You were not intended to be a loser. You are worthy of love, respect, happiness and every good thing. But this person is getting in the way of that. Perhaps she has only mirrored your own beliefs about yourself to you…. My opinion based on my experience is – cut her off and take a good long hard look at yourself with her out of the picture. Find where you are self-loathing and get some help to get free of these destructive beliefs. You can be happy and you can find love with someone who will value you, treat you with respect and it won’t try to put a smoke screen in front of your face blaming and accusing you about being money-driven etc. Sounds like a distraction technique to get the attention off of herself to avoid having to change and to make the problem all your fault. Be kind to yourself and don’t stick around someone who makes you feel insecure and bad about yourself any longer. Love and peace to you.