Hi everyone I’m new here so I’ll get it to it. Growing up I never had any friends. My sister and I never got along in fact one time our fights were so bad that I almost wanted to kill myself. That starts when we were held back in third grade. Fast forward a few years later, still living with my parents and what’s worse I don’t drive( embarrassing but ever since my bike accident I’ve been afraid of driving and everytime I try to take the test I fail everytime), I don’t have a job and no money(use to work in customer service but got laid off in January) and what’s worse I mess up during niter views and my mom and I think that I may be dyslexic on a communication all level meaning I mess up on words or get things mixed up etc. and I don’t get hired.
I do art commissions but no one would hire me for that. This is the link to my site http://brandonrsahm.strikingly.com/ and even though last month after getting drunk and admitting to my parents that I want to kill myself and making a vision board and affirmations, there’s still a part of me that wants to end it because I’m a disappointment, I didn’t do anything with my life and everyone I know is. I even have this obsession to overthink “what if” or “what could have been” stuff like that, I can’t even sleep at night anymore.
I enjoy comicbooks like marvel and DC, I love pop culture, and I’m an Eagle Scout. Would’ve been better if I was in the navy or in school ( I choked during training and dropped out because it was too expensive. Tried financial aid but no one got back to me if I qualified). Hearing or seeing everybody I often thought that one day I was gonna make a life for myself while living in a world of hate, ignorance, and biggots but I’m afraid to socialize because of my background and deep down, I wish I could forget it all if not become someone else. I try to be me, I try to be good but what does it get me? Many times where I would dream that I would become an actor or an artist but now that’s all it is and even now as I’m writing this, I’m afraid what people on here would think of me, what would they feel or say? I just paid off the rest of an expensive bill that was a lesson for me and now, I’m not sure what to think. I’m going back to church but I still feel doubts and that emptiness.
If I could turn invisible I would so no one would find me or worry since we live in a world where no lives matter. I always ask god why he created me? Why did he give me life? I didn’t ask to come to existence, I didn’t ask for any of this. I just wish that I was someone else.