Anita,

At times I’m more clear on my thoughts and feelings, other times I feel like I’m spiraling back into the world of confusion.

Everything we talked about in this thread makes sense to me (statements I agreed with and disagreed with). I think these few days on this forum helped me a lot to understand myself and my perspective. It also helped me see clearly where I need to improve. I came to a few amazin conclusions, like

• I can control my feelings
• it doesn’t matter what he thinks, it’s about me
• I don’t have to be emotionally attach every time I have sex to avoid being hurt
• my self worth is not tied to whether someone likes me or if he pursues other women, even if I like this guy
• and many others

and I’m so grateful for all this.

However, I do sometimes get little nudging thoughts in my head that are “bad” and feels like they set me back in a way. Like

• he will be spending next weekend with the woman, I need to find other things to do so I’m distracted. Why? Do I worry I will feel jealous?
• There’s also this episode: he came back to my place last night after our talk (I offered, he took me up on it), and today he was annoyed with himself (or me?) that he “listened to me, instead of himself” b/c he skipped his running practice as a result of not getting good night sleep. He apologized for being grump, I said I understood his feelings and here to talk if he wants to. My thoughts: 1) part of me feels like he’s angry with me b/c I “seduced him”. If that’s the case I obv don’t agree, because I know he simply wanted to stay over. I even asked him a few times (“does this make you happy? do you want to come?”) obviously it was his choice 2) another part of me wonders why do I care if he’s annoyed with me? do I care about his feelings? do I feel for him after all?or is it just friendly feelings? 3) I also feel like a bit like there’s no right way for me to act and I worry that on the trip he’ll be annoyed with me for no reason, and I want it to be smooth and a good time for us. again – why do I care how it’s gonna go? I want us to enjoy it but also – do I want us to enjoy it b/c I want a specific outcome (like another trip with him in the future)?

How does this read to you? Am I spiraling back? This FWB territory is new to me and I’m exploring myself and my feelings. I wonder if this is ok / normal. I want to stop anything I’m doing if it’s “harming” me in a way and could potentially cause me emotional hurt again. I also have obsessive tendencies, something I should have mentioned before (I think he does too to a certain extent, at least he’s an overthinker).

Anita,

thank you for sharing your thoughts. It’s indeed complex.

Agree with 1 and 2. With (1) we were this way from the very beginning, before we actually met in real life, exchanging fantasies over text. I wonder if he starts off this way with everyone.

I’d add though that in addition to (1) he wants to be here for me and for me to share, he said he was proud of me to come out and share my feelings like I did. And he wants to keep seeing each other over drink and talk about feelings. That was before I mentioned I wanted to keep having sex without any promise of a relationship.

Anita,

We talked. I don’t think he’s in love with me.

One thing stood out to me is him saying “I don’t care about your feelings” in a sense that he doesn’t care if I’m jealous when he shares he has other women (although I asked f he did  myself in the past). He also said he’s not jealous about me hooking up with other men. He said he uses it as a gauge to know if this is “right”. At the same time we both talked that we’re not monogamous relationship people. I found that weirdly interesting.

We’re both excited to go on our trip and meeting later to plan it. She’s coming to visit him the weekend after (flying across the country just for that, quite desperate if you ask me if they only met once or twice). I’ve done long distance for my 5 yr relationship so I know what I’m talking about. He was honest about the fact she’s coming and I wished him to spend a nice weekend. How does it make me feel you might think? Swinging between 0% and 10% my normal jealousy level so I consider this an improvement.

Also as we were having sex and (I assume) I was emotionally detaching, it didn’t feel that mind blowing anymore… It’s great but nothing I can’t get again if I’m looking. So I wonder if there’s anything left for me here, I’m trying to understand.

Please share your thoughts…

• This reply was modified 4 years, 11 months ago by Julia.
• This reply was modified 4 years, 11 months ago by Julia.

Anita,

I will do exactly that.

How do I know if he develops feelings? What if he won’t tell me?

• This reply was modified 4 years, 11 months ago by Julia.
• This reply was modified 4 years, 11 months ago by Julia.

Anita,

Thank you! 😀 I hope I won’t lose it after I see him. Yes tonight (a bit anxious).

Wdyt = What do you think? 🙂

Anita,

Thank you for asking the hard questions. Before I answer I want to preface with this: I’m clearly is/was confused about how I feel too. I’m more and more inclined to think that I started to be confused b/c he started bringing up this “emotions and feelings” talk out of the blue and I thought he was falling for me and was projecting his feelings. I still think that at times.

But I also thought heard when you said that emotions can be controlled and I could pull away. So, even if I felt something for him (either on my own or as a result of him asking questions), I think I’m more clear now that he’s not the right person for me as a bf (hence my posts earlier about not seeing him as inspiring, etc.)

So I don’t know if this was/is love for one or both of us that we’re trying to kill and turn to just infatuation (because we can control our emotions) or it was/is infatuation that we’re getting to the love level. I don’t know what is what anymore, and what comes first, what is induced because one wants to feel a certain way, because it’s mutual, etc.

So to answer you:

1. I think this is over in my mind, I don’t want to feel hurt so I won’t be allowing myself to get sucked in deeper emotionally. I do enjoy sex with him and I think I can keep it on that physical level. If not, I will walk away.

2. I don’t know at this point. At times I felt he did, at times I felt he was in love with me even, now I don’t know. His words: he doesn’t feel the deep connection and the trip won’t change that.

3. I’m trying to learn not to care, I do want to get to the point to only be FWB and enjoy sex with men w/o being emotionally sucked in it (like I do with the other guy). It did bother me and I was open about it. But now, not as much. And if I don’t have to know about it, even better. I want to stop feeling jealous in general, I’m working on it. The fact he felt more connected with someone else (if that’s true) has nothing to do with me, my self worth, her being better, etc. It has to do with timing, the perception, maybe the fact they are a better match (which just means he’s not a match for me, again nothing to do with me as a person).

• This reply was modified 4 years, 11 months ago by Julia.

Anita,

I don’t agree that he doesn’t care about my thoughts and feelings and all he sees is my vagina. I don’t think it’s fair to say about him.

If that was the case he’d continue having sex when me and leading me on, and he cares to be clear and blunt about it. I know (he told me many times and I can feel it) that he very much enjoys having sex with me, so I think he’s trying to be fair by not giving me false promises because he cares about my feelings. He also told me that and I believe him.