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danielParticipantHi VJ,
Thank you for your response. Will need some time to go through your links! Will keep you posted of any updates or questions that I may have!
I like the part about enjoying each moment without seeing things as a means to an end!
Warmest regards,
DanieldanielParticipantHi Nina Sakura,
Can you see though how your fear of facing possible failure is setting you up for failure anyway? which in turn reinforces your negative core belief about yourself?
My fear of failure, combined with my choice/decision/inclination not to participate in unpleasant/undesirable tasks/projects, and also a belief that “if doing this is not going to guarantee me a 100% success rate, why do it at all?” is creating a strong inertia internally. The cycle of me giving up before the battle is fought or consistently crumbling under pressure has indeed reinforced my negative self belief and contributing to reducing levels of confidence.
I remember two statements that my father made vividly when I was young:
1. “I cannot believe that he is the top student in his school!” When I was 12 years old
2. “I cannot believe that he can be a leader in the army!” When I was 19 years oldI cannot be sure if he really meant it, or he was just using another way of expressing that he is very proud of me. But, I always get a sense that he is more proud of my sibling’s achievements than myself, which sometimes makes me jealous. But I don’t remember telling my dad about the effect his words had on me. Perhaps because of fear of getting scolded and also the age gap, other than being the typical young playful kid, I don’t remember being very outspoken in my family – more of an observer or spectator.
Regarding what is required of my work situation, thank you for putting a list together. Based on your list given,
a) Basic concepts (Profit = Revenue – Expenditure) Strong
b) A knack for seeing patterns Average
c) Analysis, strategies, ability to connect dots weak
d) People skills – (i) Colleagues (ii) Superiors (iii) clients weak
e) Initiative, working individually average
f) Out of box thinking very weakWarmest regards,
Daniel-
This reply was modified 7 years, 10 months ago by
daniel.
danielParticipantHi @anita,
I was referred to a psychiatrist by an acquaintance in 2011. I had started work in mid 2010 and I was bustling with energy and extremely motivated. However, during the first quarter of 2011, I started to have doubts over my capability and started feeding negative thoughts to myself. Over time, I spoke less to my colleagues | I kept my thoughts to myself | I ate alone | I went home after work and laid down to watch TV or sleep without having my meals or washing up until the next morning | I stopped exercising | I put on weight. Finally, the last straw came when I had to organize an event. I was so preoccupied with and overwhelmed by my thoughts of screwing up, how people will not cooperate or turn up for the event – I procrastinated …… and procrastinated …… to a point whereby I could no longer take it anymore- I decided not to turn up for work without informing anyone and I was uncontactable for more than one week. Eventually I decided to return home, after reading some messages from my loved ones.
At that time, my family thought it was crucial that I received help and also probably as a means to provide a reason for my disappearance – hence I think that was why the referral to the psychiatrist.
The visits were at times helpful, at times I was there to request for medical leave because I still suffer from breakdowns every now and then. After 2014, I have decided to stop seeing him because his charges are too high for me to afford now, given my reduced monthly income, and probably my mindset was not right. Even as I am saying this, I am tempted to revisit him for a consultation so that I can get a medical certificate and be excused from an unpleasant activity.
I have not fully recovered, or perhaps I should say that I probably have not learnt much from these episodes, since my mood is like a cycle of emotional highs and lows and my go-to safe place is to escape whenever it’s an unpleasant and uncomfortable situation. I don’t think I should continue living like this. I figure now will be a good time to start helping myself again, since I am given some space to sort myself out and I wonder what my next step should be.
I daydream about doing a life plan, about being motivated to start each day knowing what I was going to do but there is a very strong internal resistance. I question the effectiveness of a life plan – I question the effectiveness of exercise – I question if thinking positively will help me lead a better life. I am very skeptical.
I want to break out of this cycle – and then as I start to brace myself, I noticed that there are certain events in my life which I would still like to “escape from” – social activities etc but I have no choice but to go through them and then I start getting unhappy all over again. My life seems to be in a mess and I have no idea where to start.
Maybe like what @VJ said, death will not solve anything. My vicious cycle will repeat itself with me in another body until I face up to my issues. Another problem I have is being very stubborn as well – For example, my wife will suggest that I at least take a small step to greet my colleagues in the morning but I find it very tough and weird after I have gotten used to keeping quiet. Maybe they are also used to me being like that.
I think how we can move on is perhaps to revisit my relationship with my parents and/or my siblings? As I’m typing, some memories came back in bits and pieces. And I think I have to continually remind myself that I need to help myself.
Sorry if my thoughts are jumbled up.
Warmest regards,
DanieldanielParticipantHi Anita,
I’m not sure if I can fully attribute my suffering to disappointing treatment by my parents. At best, I could probably agree that maybe the environment was not conducive for me to realize my full potential, that maybe what my parents thought were good for me then was actually not the best for me?
Actually, I am already 35 now. Physically old, but mentally still very young and perhaps naive. I hate to admit this, but I think I need someone to keep pushing me rather than myself. This “someone” was actually my boss, but instead of me accepting the push, I chose to distance myself from him. So, it seems that the hard method of pushing doesn’t really work for me.
On the other hand, my wife is one who encourages me to take small steps and she has a really big heart, big enough to stomach all my flaws and still accept me for who I am. Yet, paired with such a peaceloving human as her, I have begun to take her kindness and graciousness for granted.
Hard approach doesn’t work. Soft approach doesn’t work. I must really be self motivated to see any progress in my life. But, how to do so when I have subconsciously and consciously closed myself up and have zero confidence to do anything now?
danielParticipantHi Nina Sakura,
What you have described about me seems just about right. Would like to add on a few points.
This lack of confidence in myself may also be attributed to the fact that I shun away from challenges or give up easily
when I encounter difficulty. From a difficult subject in school to a challenging work project, if I do not have a Ten-year series/model answer or if I have not witnessed someone execute the project successfully before, I would hesitate to dive into it and procrastinate until the last possible minute only to either submit a slip shod work or find an excuse to get myself out of doing it.This coping mechanism functioned well until I started working. Before that, I was happy-go-lucky; want to do then do / don’t want to do then “escape. But this method is not working well for me now. I always manage to escape but now that I have to be independent, as I continue to behave in the previous manner, I will always be miserable.
In response to your questions,
1) I find my job profile fuzzy now. It used to be very clear – I was supposed to come up with business plans to earn a targeted revenue/profit for my company but my profile became refined as I gradually showed signs of crumbling under pressure from my colleague in meeting performance targets. Right now, I think my colleague is also unsure of what role or tasks I can handle. I am also not communicating to them. I used to be more motivated when I didn’t have to think about the numbers and I just continued doing whatever worked for me in the past, but not necessarily translating into more revenue and profit.
2) I believe so. I would constantly be bombarded with thoughts about screwing up an event or a client’s order until finally everything is over, then my mind can be peaceful again. My colleagues can sense my change in mood whenever I’m stressed.
3) I am staying in the job because I can see a potential of me earning some money in this line still. Another reason is that if I resign now, and if I stay at home my in-laws may start questioning me about my job hunting process. Also, I’m not confident nor motivated to find a job outside, based on my current work performance. Honestly, this job I’m in now is not earning me much – it may earn just enough for me to survive and share some bills with my wife in future, but it will not provide me with a good living.
4) I am different from them but my special set of traits isn’t going to earn me a salary or help me independent so far.
5) 3 things I like about myself: One, my wife says I make her laugh and she enjoys her time with me. Two, I think I am responsible. Three, my wife says I’m good looking though I’ve not been keeping up with my personal grooming.
danielParticipantHi Anita,
Thought I should clarify that my parents are financially independent. As far as I know, none of my siblings have to give them a monthly allowance. For myself, they have only asked me formoney once in my whole life, to help out with rent during a period when they were having difficulty in their business because of a slump in the economy. Back then, I had no reservations about giving them the money because it was their money after all…
The kind of help that they need is not related to money; in fact, it is straightforward just that I have the tendency to tell myself this: “why do they only contact me when they need my help?” Sometimes I would also self reflect: shouldn’t I behave in a manner that I would want my parents to behave, in this case to call them regularly and ask how they are doing etc, but of course without harboring the expectation that they would reciprocate.
I kinda identify with the term “submissive role” – it brings to mind another term I associate to myself: “passive aggressiveness”. I think I have been to both extremes – submissive and assertive: I think being assertive is about setting boundaries and communicating this to people around me. Main issue I have is I either set very strict boundaries for myself and others to follow until I became very hard to work with, or I have no boundaries at all, and I just do whatever people ask me to do. I have difficulty achieving balance.
My role in the family is pretty much a bystander and silent observer, often the one receiving instructions because I’m the youngest in the family. And I also wonder if the great difference in age between myself and my 3 other siblings may have contributed to me being more a loner or self centered person. Dunno if I’m making sense here, so I’ll just put a hold on this sub topic for now.
At this point in time, standing up for myself feels very alien, and I picture a very aggressive me. I’m not sure how I can start doing that now, especially in a situation whereby it seems, for example, my boss is being very gracious to me for the past many months, as I’m not in the fullest mental capacity to work, he still keeps me in the company, gives me the space to sort myself out etc. At times, I feel I need to repay his kindness by doing everything I can to help him in any way I can – but a voice warns me against such all-out-for-others mentality, that I might be taken advantage of.
At this point, I just feel undeserving of standing up for myself, because all these while, I have been a disappointment maybe half the time.
danielParticipantHi Anita,
I think you are right in pointing out that I am still afraid of my parents. However, the issue about the console has happened such a long time ago – I don’t think I need to bring that issue up to them again?
The thing is, my parents do not stay in the same country as me. In order to see them, I would need to travel 4 to 6 hours (two-way), so the frequency of us meeting up is pretty. Even talking on the phone or messaging is occasional – I’m not sure how to describe my situation with my parents. Maybe it’s a reciprocal thing – I don’t call them, they don’t call me. Gotten used to it. Usually, when they need my help to do something, then the exchange would be more frequent and urgent – at least that’s how I feel.
But, I don’t think it’s proper for me to be angry or stand up to them anyway. They have provided for me all the way until college and they don’t expect me to give them monthly allowance – they only need my help from time to time.
Most of the anger is directed towards myself though –
Why is it that my brother and sister seem to be okay growing up, and I am in this current state? Or anyone around me for example …
danielParticipantHi Anita,
I think I was angry, but probably not for long, because I will forget after a while. Though I’m curious about the impact this “unfulfilled promise” has on me – if it didn’t affect me, why is it that I can still remember what happened after such a long time – it has been about 25 years already.
In general, I do not express my emotions very well, especially if doing so creates conflict with another party and that makes me comfortable. I am scared to express my anger towards my parents because I do not want to be scolded in return. In a sense, I hide my true emotions to avoid an uncomfortable situation, perhaps being seen as disrespectful or unfilial or to avoid getting a scolding.
Having said this, I think that may be how my coping mechanism has developed and refined itself over the years. I keep to myself when I feel uncomfortable and I avoid expressing myself for fear of landing myself in an uncomfortable situation. It could be my in-laws having doubts about my ability to take care of their daughter and thus pressuring me to buck up, it could be my family scolding me for not being strong or independent enough to take care of myself, it could be a loss of income should I explicitly say No to a task at work and I end up getting fired etc.
I think I am “stuck and unhappy” now because I am afraid to share my situation to my family and friends, that I don’t want them to know I’m such a lousy person (soon to be 35 years old and still like that) and I probably made a choice to stay this way because of the potential of getting into uncomfortable scenarios should I become unstuck.
I find myself repetitive at times and what I say also contradictory sometimes. Am i making sense?
danielParticipantHi anita,
I think I was either 9 or 10 years old? Back then, I think I was “obsessed” with Super Nintendo or Sega. Should be the former. My parents said that if I did well in the exam, they would buy me a Super Nintendo. I think that got me really pumped up to work hard. I believe I did well, because I was expecting to get the reward. It did not happen though, and I think I was quite disappointed. But I do recall receiving a Sega Game Gear – it was like a portable version of the Sega console, where I could play some games like Sonic the Hedgehog – it wasn’t what I had in mind, and it didn’t feel like the console, but I guess I eventually figured that it’s probably better than nothing.
I’m not sure why they didn’t follow through – I doubt I actually asked them because I am quite timid and fear getting scolded by them. I think I was very playful when I was young (youngest of 4 siblings), so I’m guessing they are afraid if they got me the console which I wanted, I would spend all my time playing and neglect my studies. My brother told me, or is it my father who did, that one of his aims in life is to make sure all of us siblings make it to university and graduate.
I felt disappointed, but at that point in time, there was nothing I could do about it, so I had to move and be contented with the Game Gear.
danielParticipantHi anita,
I think I’m better described in this manner:
I want X, but I do not know what to do. I would usually start off being very excited and enthusiastic about something new, but that usually dies down after I realize it’s not as easy as it seems. I tend to give up easily, usually at the first signs of difficulty. I think I can summarize myself to be low in confidence (it probably got worse every single time I gave up without fully completing something) and I give up easily without a fight.
But I vaguely recall telling myself that in order to make friends (when I was in secondary school), I need to behave in a manner that is accepted by them. I’m not sure how great an effect that had on me, but I believe I am a very self centered person all these while.
Honestly, I cannot really recall many instances whereby I really want something and I materialize it. Probably when I was still in primary school, my parents told me that they would reward me with a game console if I did well in the examinations. I did well, but the reward never came. Other than that, my typical behavior would be to only do things that I am good at (I was good with numbers and Math) and adopt a so-called heck care or different in attitude towards things that I am not so good at.
Not sure if I responded appropriately. Let me know?
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This reply was modified 7 years, 10 months ago by
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