Dear Anita,

I do not think I was seriously  considering divorce right now. I am not saying I am sure this will never happen at all, it’s just a focal point for me right now, with everything that is going on. Actually, here’s another thing that pops up in my head as passed on to me from my mom: she would give up relationships, her marriage, jobs – at first signs of difficulties or if she thought a person was not friendly enough to her. I am trying to detect and single out such emotional reactions to uneasy situations and people and to not give up and leave right away, but try all reasonable solutions first… But this is quite hard, given that I have seen a certain pattern so many times that my brain automatically uses it now!

Dear Anita,

Thank you for always giving me an advice and an honest opinion on my very-confused questions!

Yes, my responsibility to my children as their mother influences my decision making a lot! I’ve worked at a job I absolutely did not like but that was secure and close to daycare for the past 2 years, and maybe the burnout and the need to compromise is what contributes to my anxiety now.

If, as you say, I place the job in isolation – I do want it, and I’m excited to learn about the IT area it is related to.

And you have a good point about my parents interference – even though my father never skyped me to talk to or see his Grandkids in the past nearly 2 years, I’m 100% sure they won’t lose the opportunity to turn my husband against me in case of a separation (so might his own parents). On my end, I could only go for a divorce once I have enough of secure income to keep me afloat, so I can be employable under any circumstances. Which still points me to accepting this job offer to break this vicious circle of weakness and doubt…

God, I’ve just realized every single topic I’ve started here is family related! Not work, not love-life, not friendship  –  but something completely out of my control!

Anita,

Thank you!
I think I did succeed in “building a wall” between me and my father and other relatives who offered only destructive criticism and remarks. At least I’m good here. Although all the last fights I’ve been through with them this summer must have contributed to my state of mind.

I’m with you on the support groups- I’m looking for some online now. Plus, looking for some words of wisdom here , of course…

As for the work – I’m actually extremely keen on starting as soon as possible. I feel anxious about not having an income of my own now, not having enough financial freedom, I feel angry with myself that at my age I am still not easily “employable” and had to change my work specialization and it took to long… I have that feeling of worry that should something happen – and I will be on my own, with kids, no one would be on my side. And maybe as I secure some income of my own – that would lift part of this anxiety off my shoulders.

Thank you Anita!
I do understand this with my “logical” side of mind! 🙂 But then I start thinking I should be “strong” enough and get over all the things that hurt me – after all I’m old and experienced enough. And then it hurts again… and if it was all up to me, I would achieve the state of mind where I could still communicate with my father when needed and not just walk away from him, but also become absolutely emotionally resistant to whatever he does or says. Hence the topic…

Inky,
thank you!
Oh, if only I could compensate my father’s-social-role with any other “father” around! My mother’s long-term boyfriend following the divorce was not quite adequate, was a drinker and turned my mother into a drinker. My father-in-law… I keep having a feeling he’s actually competing with me for my husband’s attention! As ridiculous as it sounds, I can’t find a better explanation for his continuous manipulations, health complaints – and most of his health issues can not be confirmed by doctors, complaints on all unfair things happening to him, and all in all – the fact that they keep my husband on the phone for a long time every day.

Every time I try to set boundaries with my father – he gets extremely defensive! He starts accusing me of being immature, for reacting in a too emotional way, not treating his comments as “words to live by” etc. It all boils down to “I’m older and smarter, shut your mouth and listen to me”. Not necessarily all in one sentence, but I had to end our conversation a few times saying I will call him back when he is ready for a more constructive talk.
It all keeps on going to extremes…

Sandstorm, thank you!!
I do hope that in the long run I will be able to completely ignore all arrogance, judgement and criticizing of my way of life they send my way. The only thing I can’t cope with – is to set my mind in such a way that I either don’t feel guilty for “abandoning” my parents if cutting down on communication with them; or – continue to initiate communication but just for the sake of them not feeling abandoned by me.

Hi Inky,

Thank you for your support!
It’s great SAHM-ing works well for you,and 3 kids – wow! I did want to have 3 kids, but obviously, don’t think it’s going to happen anymore…
I will definitely be lying to myself if I tried to persuade myself just being SAHM is what I would like to do. I have a couple of friend this works for, but I believe, I have a different type of personality, and then – I lack all the support they get from their families and husbands. And I do realize that it’s because I feel… on my own and tired most of the time that I can’t just “relax and enjoy it”.
And another reason I can’t just relax and let everything go is because I was planning on really integrating children in the life I had, while building my new life around them slowly. And now I realize I failed badly at this, and I’m stuck in my life, and if I don’t continue trying to push myself out of this – I’ll end up badly.