Hello!
I’ve written here before a few times, and the advice and support I got was always very helpful. Even though I get emotional when reading other people’s thoughts – that brings me an “aha!” moment about how my situation looks like to an disinterested person.

I am at the point now where for some reason I am torn between a rational understanding of what’s happening to me, and irrational fears which are pretty strong. At the same time I understand where the fears are coming from – and they are  what I’ve been “programmed” to think, do or feel by my family over the years. Yet, even if I clearly see myself panic and realize that this is because I had witnessed other (pretty much all!) women in my family panic in similar situation numerous times, but my life and experience have been different  – I still can not control my emotional response.

My biggest struggle now is taking the leap of faith to sign a contract for a job I want, but every time I weigh pros and cons – it’s like having a multiple personality disorder! Thinking with clear mind, I appreciate that this is a work from home opportunity, a step up from what I used to do and in IT industry (job security). On the downside – they will ask me to travel for work 1-2 times a month for 1-2 days. I have a 3 and 5 year old kids at home, and I am arranging with a few women to help take care of them on these days from 5.30-8.30, to help my husband with evening routine and in case he needs to catch up with work from home. I’ve recently lost my job and am reluctant to get an office job, mainly because everything that has to do with kids or home is on me, and when since I had to drop them off at 2 different schools and pick them up – that meant I had to catch up with work once they were off to bed, and I would get sour faces from our firm managers every time I had to work from home if they were sick, and I was the one coming in late or leaving early because of pediatrician/dental appoints for them etc. Now it looks like my older one would need to see a pediatrician specialist every now and then => more time for doctor’s appointments!

Now, my husband is not exited about me leaving on work trips, but he is not eager to share kids care. And I find it harder and harder to genuinely speak my mind with him, and tell him about my concerns, since he told me from the start – me being away would be an inconvenience for him, it would be better if I could get easier part-time job and still be with kids, and whenever saw me cry or being anxious in the past 2 years his response would be “Oh, you’re always so unhappy and depressed”.

So, as I am trying to understand whether I should accept this new job offer, I feel like I am not always thinking clearly. I know that both my grandmothers and my mother were always afraid of building a career, being in charge and taking responsibility, and my grannies preferred to stay at the same job for decades for the sake of stability, while my mother eventually decided not to work as she was afraid of any responsibility. I have never had any work-related fears, but now I clearly start having thoughts on whether a work with trips is a right thing: what if this ruins my relationship with my husband? What if I fail both at work and home and everyone turns their back on me? And the funniest thing is, that I already have zero support from either my family or my husband’s – so there is really nothing to lose for me! At the same time, when my head is clear, I understand I should really get serious about my career now, because if it’s not going right for me now – it will get only worse when kids grow up and I don’t have a good steady income of my own.

I’ve just mentioned this work opportunity to my grandma over the phone, just because I felt like I needed advice or I will go crazy keeping it all in my head – and she started yelling at me that I’m about to abandon my kids and husband, and I should bring down my ambition, and that my husband should be the man in the family and explain to me that being away from my family now is not acceptable.

All in all, now I am upset, confused and am not sure if I am being selfish accepting an offer that looks appealing for me, but will put my husband on the front line with kids several days a month. Part of me feels like my life is already  going way downhill since I do not have a person near me I can trust, let alone get emotional support from, and the only way people around me would approve of me if I’m convenient.

What do you think I should do? How can I keep my mind clear and focus on what’s relevant to my life? How can I ignore fears that are not even my fears- once I catch myself having them?

Thank you!