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February 14, 2019 at 11:16 am #280191CParticipant
Hi Anita, just wanted to let you know the scan was clear. So all is well. I also got a graduate job secured for this April, so really pleased about that.
She messaged me to wish me luck with the scan on the day, to which I replied with a ‘thanks’. I’m going to leave her be now, and check in on her every now and again. Maybe ask to catch up in 6 months time or something. I still care about her, and want the best for her, but she needs to make the effort to talk to me now.
I hope you’re well and have a great valentines day.
Best wishes,
C
February 11, 2019 at 1:12 pm #279785CParticipantI thought it only right to update this, one last time.
So with my quarterly cancer check up next Wednesday, I asked if she wanted to meet. To which she came back and said she had a compulsory networking event for work, so wouldn’t be able to meet. Not so bad, but when you consider I was only across the street last Friday for an interview, which she knew about, it’s clear she doesn’t want to see me. It’s funny how you plan things out in your head, and then reality throws you a curve ball. Talk about anti-climatic.
I’m pretty sure she’s dating someone else now, which is probably why she doesn’t want to meet. I’m not upset about that, because honestly I want her to be happy. Even if I wish she’d have tried harder with me. The only shred of comfort I take from all this is that she, most likely, wasn’t cheating on me when we were together.
I’m not going to chase her anymore, I’m not going to ask her to meet again and I certainly won’t be her emotional net. I care about her but I need to protect myself at this point. 7 months of pondering, hoping and trying is enough.
I just wanted to thank everyone who has given me their time and advice, especially you Anita. It has been really helpful hearing other perspectives. If nothing else I’ve learned some hard lessons about relationships and life.
January 27, 2019 at 6:52 am #277157CParticipantI wouldn’t enable her mothers questionable financial management, but I would try and support her in whatever way I could and find a solution together. Even if it was just listening to her. During the relationship I fell into the trap of trying to solve her problems, when maybe all I needed to do was listen and be strong for her. Again something I need to talk to her about if given the chance.
Right now I’m feeling very anxious and concerned over the fact my opportunity to fix things might have evaporated, and she won’t meet me for a meal when I have my scan in two weeks time. If she’s starting to focus on a new man, surely she’s going to feel like she shouldn’t see me anymore? She’s already been dishonest with me saying she isn’t doing anything fun until after her exams are finished in February, but she’s back on dating apps again with the clear intention to talk and meet other guys?
Regardless of what happens between us, she can’t live like this and I certainly don’t want that for her. Her brother is 10, so she potentially has another 7-8 years of this before he can stand on his own two feet.
January 26, 2019 at 10:10 am #277045CParticipantSupport as in be a base of strength for her. When we were together I was looking for jobs and going to the gym, that was it. By the time she met me after her exams, I hadn’t made any progress in the job hunt and I was still overweight. I think she gave up on us as a couple at that point.
Although I haven’t got a career sorted, she knows I’m trying hard and have plans for joining the armed forces if a graduate scheme doesn’t come off. So I want her to see I still care, I’m building to something and want to do it with her.
January 26, 2019 at 8:58 am #277033CParticipantHi Anita,
Thanks for taking the time to write to me again, I do appreciate your inputs. I think your assumptions are somewhat true but even so she wouldn’t want to admit that, and could get her back up. I think a better way to approach it would be to tell her that I want to support her when I’m in a position to do so. She knows I care but maybe that is the issue, she doesn’t see how I can get her out of the life she’s stuck in.
I’ve decided I’m going to ring on Monday, talk a bit and then ask if she’s OK to meet this week or on the day of my scan. If she says she can’t, then I’ll have the conversation with her then. That way I get an answer either way, and I’ll have a friend.
January 25, 2019 at 4:28 pm #276983CParticipantThanks Anita, I think you are right. She isn’t available for a lasting relationship, and it’s something I’m slowly coming to terms with. I still care about her a lot, and even love her, but she’s not willing to try with me. I asked if she wanted to see a movie this weekend but she turned me down because she has a ‘cold’ and isn’t wanting to go out until she finishes her exams. She is however back on dating apps as I saw her appear on my dating stream tonight… naturally I didn’t like or dislike.
I can only imagine she’s not wanting to go out with me because she doesn’t want to try and fix things. Her dreams and aspirations of joining the armed forces are possible, but with the situation at home, not practical. I don’t know what’s going on in her head but perhaps she’s going back to dating for the escapism you were talking about Anita, or maybe she’s open to a relationship because she realises that she is trapped at home for the foreseeable future? What I don’t understand is why she doesn’t want to try and fix things between us? She likes me, knows she played a major part in us not working (exams and outside pressure) and understands I truly care about her. Maybe she thinks I’ve moved on, but I’ve asked to meet, since our last meeting, 5-6 times in the past 6 weeks. Surely she knows I’m still interested?
I said that my next scan is in February, ‘so maybe we can see each other then’. She’s seen it but hasn’t responded to it. It’ll be interesting to see what, if anything, she says to that.
At this stage I just want to say my peace, unload these heavy emotions I feel and take back some control. So should I wait a little over 2 weeks for a possible meeting or should I have this conversation over the phone?
January 11, 2019 at 12:51 pm #273907CParticipantThanks for that, I hadn’t thought of it in that way. I got too fixated on this new guy.
You’re absolutely right, she has. When we spoke on Christmas she said she was planning to move out, however there are issues. One her mother doesn’t work, two her 10 year old brother would be without a functioning parent figure in their life and three she still has to pay her mothers bills (with the constant and very real threat of her being put into more financial difficulty thanks to her mum). She’s on good money but it’s spent as soon as she has it….
This week I asked her how things were and it seems everything has been brushed under the carpet. Her sister was allowed back into the house but no conversation about what happened has been had. I didn’t press too much, as I felt she didn’t want to talk about it, but I said I think her mum clearly isn’t coping and needs to speak to someone. There’s cultural barriers as they’re African, so maybe it’s more complicated in terms of how these sorts of things get sorted. As you can imagine it’s put me in an emotionally difficult spot. I want to help and support her in whatever way I can, but I know there’s not a lot I can do as an outsider and ‘friend’. I stupidly bought her and her brother Christmas presents, I’ve since returned them because too much time has now passed since Christmas and I thought it was too much on in hindsight.
So as of now you think I should leave her be, continue to support her in whatever way she wants and catch up in person whenever we can? I feel that is all I can do. When we meet again I need to make a point about how I’m feeling, and know what’s going on in her head in respect to me. In the meantime I’ll continue to get on with things and see what happens next.
January 11, 2019 at 10:59 am #273891CParticipantHi guys, I hope 2019 is treating you all well and Christmas wasn’t too damaging to the waistlines, I know mine was!
Sorry for not updating but things haven’t really progressed all that much on my end, although there have been some developments for her. So 2 weeks after the meeting I asked to set a date to meet because with Christmas and new year, it was going to be hard to do something spontaneously. To which she said with her exams and work related Christmas parties, it was looking like after Christmas than before. Something I appreciated. We continued to talk and made sure to send her a good luck message in the morning before her exam, to which she rang me up as soon as she’d finished to let me know she’d passed.
Things continued on as usual, I sent her a Christmas card and my mum sent her a message on Christmas eve wishing her and her family a great Christmas (she asked to see my mum last time we met, maybe to gauge her attitude to her, so I thought it was good to show there wasn’t any bad blood) and she replied in kind. Then on Christmas, after I sent her a Christmas message, she replied that hers had started terribly. I of course asked why, and she copied a long message she had obviously written to someone or multiple people. Basically saying her sister had been kicked out of the house after having a massive ‘fight’ with her mum on Christmas eve. I then asked if she wanted me to ring, and she then rang me up.
The conversation basically outlined that her mum had been making them do all the work for Christmas, and that her mum felt they weren’t acting like a family. She gave an example and said after her exam she went out to celebrate with a guy from work, and her mum thought she should have celebrated with her family. She then quickly clarified with me that she ‘thinks he’s gay’ and that he’s been dropping her off at her house… I didn’t dwell on it at the time because I wanted to be there for her. I don’t know what to make of that, but it does sound quite friendly.
I continued to support her and ask her how things were for the next few weeks. She thanked me for my continued support and we kept chatting. So this week I rang her up, because I wanted to see how she was (she’d been very ill for the past week and has been on antibiotics) and although she didn’t pick up she did ring me back about 45 minutes later. She sounded quite unwell but we talked about new year, how things were and she gave me some advice on the military and my application. Towards the end I said ‘I know you’re busy with exams, but even if you’re only free in the week, it would be great to see you again.’. To which she replied ‘yeah I’ll let you know when I’m free’.
Honestly I’m feeling a little frustrated, because I still haven’t been able to wrestle back some control over our relationship, and the next possible time I’m in the area is when I have my next scan. Which is 5 weeks away. I’m not sure what to do, on the one hand I could just call her up and have the conversation with her. However I personally feel its something you should do face-to-face. With that being said I could wait another 5 weeks and she could blow me off at the last minute…. and if I’m being truthful 5 more weeks isn’t a short amount of time. Yes she’s got exams, yes she’s got responsibilities and needs time to do things for her but I don’t think I’m as important to her as she is to me and maybe it’s time for me to be a little more selfish….
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
November 19, 2018 at 1:31 pm #238515CParticipantHi guys,
So two things, I’m happy to report that my check up last week was without incident and we did meet after work. It’s worth noting though that she was playing it very aloof before we met. When I texted her the morning of the meeting, before I set off to my check up, she failed to get back to me. Both in her morning and lunch break, despite her being online at the time I sent it (Whatsapp messenger, online but didn’t ‘see it’). So at 3pm I rang her up, and although she didn’t pick it up, confirmed via text she was OK to meet at the train station. Perhaps she was hoping I’d just go home…
Which to be honest was probably a good thing, because it lowered my expectations to almost none-existent. To cut a very long story short, it went really well. I’d changed so much she walked right past me! She was genuinely shocked, and the first thing she did was compliment me on how much weight I’ve lost, and I was looking great. We then skipped the coffee and went to a nice restaurant (her idea). We talked like it was old times on the way.
Her body language the whole time was really open and positive. Not leaning back, having her arms folded or looking at her phone. She even admitted that her little brother still talks about me to her… the notable part of the evening was when I was laughing about my brother trying to find love on dating apps, and then her replying with “well we met each other on it”. Maybe I’m reading too much into it, but why say that? I also made her aware that I had been on a few dates, but I wasn’t looking for anything serious. To which she replied she had had interest but she just didn’t have time for a relationship. Generally though, the conversation flowed, we both laughed lots and it was a really good night.
We both said goodbye at the train station and I gave her a big hug, like I did at the start. I then got a text from her first, 5 minutes later, saying it was great to see me with a love heart at the end. I then replied with it was great to see her too, and that we should do it again soon. To which she replied, most definitely with another love heart.
Her messages to me since then have definitely increased, but no where near pre-dating and dating levels. I tried to organise another drink for before Christmas, last weekend, but she said that she’s not sure she has the time with exams over the Christmas period. However she would let me know if she can find the time. Obviously her exams, work and family come first, but then again you make time for the things you want to make time for. Perhaps she’s still working out how she’s feeling, and maybe is fearful of falling back into a relationship that she feels is doomed to failure. She’s made it perfectly clear that her heart is set on the armed forces, and doesn’t feel like she can commit to a relationship if she does go down that path. The thing is I understand this. I just need the opportunity to tell her that I still care but know that the timing isn’t right for a committed relationship. However that doesn’t have to stop us from being able to do things together and being there for each other.
So am I right or am I still living in hope? I suppose the proof is in her actions. If I do meet her again, I think that’s the time to be totally honest with her and let her tell me what’s going on in her head.
November 10, 2018 at 4:16 pm #236307CParticipantHi Anita and Mark,
Anita, I think that’s the best way to go about it. I’m obviously prepared if she asks me straight if I want more, but I don’t think she will. Just focusing on having a good time and gauging how she is with me. Equally I think you’re also right Mark. I am at risk of being seen as her emotional blanket, through difficult times, without the relationship. With that being said I think she still fosters some feelings for me, however I’m not sure if it’s mixed with a healthy dose of guilt about her part in the relationship failing.
Depending on if we meet, and how the evening goes, I’ve been thinking a lot about putting my cards on the table a few days after. In essence, ring her up when she’s free to have a private talk and say how I’m feeling and what I’m looking for. Making it clear my feelings for her run deep and acknowledging that maybe the time isn’t right for a relationship for us, but give us the option to do things if we both have time or want to.
If she doesn’t feel the same way, it’s going to hurt but it’s better than being in this emotional purgatory indefinitely.
November 8, 2018 at 12:47 pm #236063CParticipantI can appreciate where you’re coming from Loleta. However at the same time, if she feels like she still isn’t ready to be in a committed relationship she’s bound to be somewhat cagey about meeting up again. Besides she could have just flat out rejected it if she really didn’t want to meet. She made it perfectly clear she’s happy I’m in her life and that she’s never stayed in touch with an ex before. So that must count for something?
She might be nervous at the prospect of opening up the possibility of resolution when both of us aren’t ready, which would probably lead to failure again. However, for me, the reason why I think it’s important to meet her now is so I can see how I’m feeling about her, and understand whether my feelings for her are based on an idea or a reality. If we both still have feelings we can discuss how we want to move forward.
Anita, I think your initial comment is right. See how we feel, enjoy each others company and have a few laughs. The question of whether it was worth fighting for wasn’t in doubt for me, it’s whether she thinks it’s worth fighting for.
- This reply was modified 5 years, 12 months ago by C.
November 8, 2018 at 9:20 am #236009CParticipantHello guys,
It’s been a while since I last updated this so I thought I should.
Not a lot has really changed since I last posted. Whilst she still talks to me, and keeps me updated in important events in her life via text and call, we still haven’t met. I deliberately haven’t asked to meet until it was plausible to meet for a coffee/drink, without it looking like I was engineering a date… So with my appointment for my check up next week, I’ve asked if she wants to meet after work. She said she didn’t have an issue with meeting, which isn’t exactly enthusiastic but maybe she’s a little apprehensive.
Now that she’s tentatively agreed to meet, I’m starting to think a lot about what I’m hoping to achieve from all this. Although she’s starting a new job and is confident about the future, I still don’t feel she’s settled on a path. As for me, I’m still working towards building my career and building myself up on a personal level. So knowing that not a lot has changed since we broke up, I don’t believe getting into a committed relationship would end well for us. I suppose what I’m hoping to do is open her up to the idea of doing things together as ‘pseudo-friends’, without the complications of a relationship. Whilst making my feelings clear. Then if we both want it, entertain the idea of building something together if the time is right. I don’t know if that’s realistic or not. Although I’ve been on a number of dates, and I’m moving forward with the belief it’s not going to come off, I just don’t trust my objectivity right now. With that being said I feel that if things don’t evolve beyond this pen pal status, it’s going to fizzle out.
Personally if she meets me (I’m not sure she will until we actually meet) I’m going to steer well away from talk about our relationship, unless she brings it up. Just focusing on having a good time and making her laugh, kind of like a first date. Then see if she texts me about how she had a good time, go from there? Bringing up the idea of doing more things together.
I’d really appreciate some input on my plan .
September 16, 2018 at 7:24 am #225859CParticipantYou’re right. She’s not one to admit weakness (it’s not a weakness but I think she’d view it as such) but I honestly feel like she’s depressed. She texted me out of the blue once that she’d taken a day off work and was sitting in her room drinking wine…. If I’m being honest I’m a little worried about her. I want to support her but I feel at a total loss as to what to do, now we’re not in a relationship. I asked if she was OK but she just brushed it off.
Maybe setting a deadline is a little obtuse, and I should just continue to keep things amicable. With the mentality that it’s never going to progress past text and the occasional call.
September 16, 2018 at 5:09 am #225841CParticipantHi everyone, I hope you’re all well. I thought I’d update on what’s happened over the past 2 weeks.
I initially asked to meet her last Saturday, the Wednesday before the planned meet, to which she said she’d need to see if she was free. However due to the unexpected death of a family pet, I decided it was better to push it back as I didn’t want to have it dominate my emotions and the conversation. It turned out she was busy that day anyway. So I said that I should be in the area next weekend, which she didn’t acknowledge.
So we continued to talk throughout the week and I asked her if she was free this Saturday. She then replied saying ‘please don’t see this as me avoiding you……. my sister doesn’t know anyone in the area so we’re (family) going to spend some time with her.’. Her sister has moved to a new job, about 30 miles away from their home, only 2 weeks ago and I completely agree that she should put her sister first. However I’m not sure how to move forward.
Part of me thinks it’s up to her to now say when she’s free, or at least give hints that she’s not doing anything. On the other hand, technically she’s only pushed me back once so asking her again in a couple of weeks might also be a good option? That way I can then honestly say I’ve given her ample opportunity to explore any residual or new feelings she might have, if any at all. At the end of the day actions speak louder than words. If she wanted to see me she’d be putting herself in a position were we’d be meeting…I think for my own sake I should put her to the back of my mind if she isn’t prepared to meet.
September 3, 2018 at 10:31 am #224207CParticipantHello again, its been my birthday recently so I’ve been a little busy. Just to clarify, we were sexual again after her saying she wanted a none-sexual relationship. A common theme in the relationship was her spontaneous nature.
I generally agree with what you guys have said. If she wanted to fix things, she knows where I am. At the same time if she doesn’t feel like the old relationship would work, then why would she put effort into fixing something she sees as a lost cause? It’s up to me to open her up to the idea of a relationship 2.0.
Anyway I thought it only right that I update my progress. She has continued to talk to me and has opened up about negative things in her life. She also made sure to ring me on my birthday and then sent a thoughtful birthday message on top of that. Not a lot to really go by, more a friendly courtesy in my eyes. Then again, she could have just called or messaged, and called it a day. My worry is that I’m becoming seen as an emotional crutch. Although I care about her a great deal, I should be directing it at someone who will reciprocate it. I’m going to ask her if she wants to go for a coffee this week. If she rejects it out of hand then I can walk away knowing I’ve done all I could.
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