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Not Sure What To Do – Is It Worth Fighting For?

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This topic contains 40 replies, has 8 voices, and was last updated by  anita 4 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #223143

    C
    Participant

    Hi Everyone. I’m not sure what I’m looking for by writing this but maybe it’ll help to hear advice from people that I don’t know, and have been there, whilst also cathartically working through this by putting my thoughts into words.

    The beginning of 2017 was the start of one of the toughest years of my life. I was diagnosed with (mono) testicular cancer. 8 months later, in August, I went into remission. Then in December I got talking to an amazing person. She was smart, intelligent, bubbly, funny and beautiful. We lived 40 miles from each other but we were happy to travel to see each other.

    After 3 dates we started to date seriously and the first 8 weeks were amazing. We did all the things couples do and I was even invited to a number of  family events, which I happily went to. I like to think I got on well with her family and friends, think being the crucial word there!

    The problems in our relationship began when she decided that she wanted to study for 2 very demanding exams, independently, 8 weeks into our relationship. She was essentially studying 2 years worth of content in 4 months whilst also juggling her full time job, family and friends. At the time I knew exactly how time consuming her studying would be, and the stress it was likely to put on us. But I did what I thought was right. I supported her, and only said that we needed to make sure we communicate through this.

    If I’m being honest, the first issue came when we were fully intimate. Due to the nature of my cancer, lets just say I wasn’t firing on all cylinders. After the second time she said that ‘maybe we aren’t sexually compatible’, which cut me very deeply. I did my best to explain that I was very attracted to her but it was still an area that was healing. A couple of weeks after that she decided that she wanted a ‘none-sexual relationship’, saying she wanted to be closer to god (comes from a very religious family). Which for me was a backward step in the relationship and a sign that maybe she was quietly ending us. So instead of dancing round the subject, I asked her if she wanted to break up. To which she said no. In hindsight maybe she was trying to take the pressure off me, but I know how important sex can be for a relationship and closeness.

    During the rest of March she wasn’t acting her normal self. More reserved, distracted and a little distant. When I met her again, I asked her what was wrong. She then opened up and said she was dealing with a number of family issues, mainly that her mother was getting her into financial trouble.

    At this point it’s worth mentioning I was beginning to see her less and less. We had gone from seeing each other twice a week to once every 2-3 weeks. Only seeing her on Friday evenings, after work. The weekends were reserved for her friends birthday parties, and other occasions I wasn’t invited to. This continued into April. By May I was down to seeing her once a month and having her calling me up drunk saying that she felt bad and wanted to do things with me once the exams were over. She also felt she was stringing me along, to which I said I understood she needed to focus on her exams and let off some steam from time to time. At the time I didn’t want to add any pressure on her, but in hindsight I was far to understanding and should have acted sooner.

    This was also a time when she would make plans with me and then change her mind a day before, cancelling. So much so that in the middle of May I said that perhaps we shouldn’t make plans until after the exams. Which she agreed to. We continued to talk and chat on whatsapp, and things were OK. Fast forward to the end of the exams in June and she waited until the weekend following her exams to come and see me. The night before she texted me, back from a night out, changing the plans from coming to my house to going somewhere else. After speaking to her on the phone in the morning, she agreed to see me at my house. During our time together she was very distant and unaffectionate, not wanting to be close at all. When I was teaching her chess, and the importance of keeping your queen, she said ‘if only you were as good at keeping a girlfriend’…… wow. I challenged her but she didn’t respond.

    A week later we had plans to go to a place she had been wanting to take me to for a long time. The day before I messaged her asking if we were still OK for the next day, to which she said yes. Fast forward to the next day, and a prior night out, she rang me at 11am saying she was ill. No apology, nothing. I then left her 6 hours before asking to talk. I then said I wasn’t happy and asked her up front if there was someone else. To which she got very angry and said she needed time to think.

    2 days later she rang me and said she’d been thinking a lot about what I had said, and that I was right. She had been treating me pretty poorly, but she didn’t feel like she could be in a relationship right now. Me being me, I wanted to look for a solution. So she ended the call saying she’d think some more. Another 2 days on and she asks me if I want to meet on Friday, to which I agree. We have a good time, the conversation flows and she even holds hands with me.  She lets me know that she’s been fighting a CCJ claim that her mother, yet again, has got her into (plus other things she wasn’t happy to talk about). 2 more days pass and she lands the bomb shell. Saying that our ‘futures aren’t compatible’, that she was sorry and still cares about me. I don’t fight it, and wish her the best.

    A week later I ask to talk, to which she says it’s not a good time. I then go no contact for 4 more weeks. When I did reach out again,  my message to her was that I understood the reasons for us breaking up and that I accepted them. I apologised for my part in us drifting apart and that needed to learn from it. I then went on to ask if we could still talk as I missed it. She replied quickly saying she respected my honesty and felt she played a big part in it not working. She then went on to say that she never keeps in touch with exs, but is happy to talk to me. I leave her 2 days and she initiates contact with me, we talk like normal. She then rings me up that same day and we talk for 40 mins. Since then we’ve been in touch every day. She even rang to open up about her dream job falling through (the factor that was going to make us none compatible). It’s also worth mentioning that I’ve also been having my important scans recently (check ups) and she’s been sending very supportive messages and been very worried about me.

    So to say I’m confused is an understatement. I have no idea what’s going on in her head and possibly mine for that matter. At the moment I feel that maybe her life circumstances made a relationship impossible, in her eyes, at the time. The guilt that she was feeling certainly didn’t help.. The thing is I care a great deal about her and do feel like she is an amazing person, if a little complicated. I’m thinking of asking her out for a coffee to meet in person and see what happens.

    Any advice or words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.

     

    P.S. Sorry for the War and Peace novel, 6 months doesn’t seem so long until you put it to paper!

    #223221

    Inky
    Participant

    Hi C,

    Times were good when you were just getting to know her. Before the killer courses and before you got intimate. With you being fairly distant location wise, it was easier for her to ruminate on why it’s not working. Maybe she was afraid she would never fully have sex again if she made a commitment to you. Maybe her life was going at warp speed and she was changing faster than you were. Maybe you said something, didn’t say something, did something, didn’t do something. We will never REALLY know, as I suspect she’s not being totally honest (?)

    At any rate, consider it a blessing. You will no longer be blown off. You are free! You have enough to deal with, just taking care of yourself. You don’t need this in your life. You should never try to convince someone why you should be together, or even to seek “closure” whatever that is. She ended a nice relationship. She blew it!

    Best,

    Inky

    #223229

    C
    Participant

    I appreciate where you’re coming from. What I don’t understand is the fact she is still worrying about me and why she’s happy to talk to me, when she won’t speak to her other exs?

     

    These past 8 weeks I’ve been working on myself, I’ve lost 10kgs in that time, have an interview for a new job and getting my life on track. I know I still care about her, and she cares about me too. It’s whether that care is something more for her.

    #223251

    anita
    Participant

    Dear C:

    “I have no idea what’s going on in her head and possibly mine for that matter”, you wrote.

    Regarding what is going in her head, I don’t know but I can guess: she liked you from the beginning, experienced sexual dissatisfaction with you, wanting to end the relationship “maybe we aren’t sexually compatible”), later considered keeping contact but not sexually (“she wanted a ‘none-sexual relationship”). She was otherwise very busy with studying for exams and troubled by conflicted yet involved relationships with her mother and other family members, finances and god. Being busy, stressed and conflicted, she acted reserved and distant with you and saw you less and less, and changing plans to see you when those were made. I think she was confused as to who was responsible for what, inaccurately assuming you were not doing enough to grab her attention and keep her involved with you (“if only you were as good at keeping a girlfriend”).

    Reads to me that she was honest when she said that “she needed time to think” and that “she didn’t feel like she could be in a relationship right now”, as well as “it’s not a good time”, not just that time not being a good time for her, but the whole year of the relationship, reads to me.

    Basically, my guess is that in her mind, she’s been very busy, conflicted, distracted, unfocused, confused, multi tasking and … not all there. She likes you but she is not all there, not available for a consistent, mature, healthy relationship.

    Regarding what is going on in your head: “to say I’m confused is an understatement”- very confused, is your experience. Trying to make sense of what doesn’t make sense is  confusing. In other words, she has been all  over the place, a bit here, a bit there, everywhere and nowhere. Trying to understand her is like trying to connect dots that are not meant to be connected, and so, you get lines that don’t translate to any discernable shape.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 10 months ago by  anita.
    #223327

    miranam
    Participant

    Dear C,

    I second that it is close to impossible to read and understand other people mind. Even if they open up fully. From my experience, trying to get some clarity and closure is just a waste of time and energy. I know you would gladly dedicate yours to solve the puzzle. Why? Because you care.  It is important to you. She is important to you.

    Again, from my experience, I have never met anyone who, being genuinely intersted, would not find time and energy for the object of their interest.

    Your devotion to her would be flattering to many women. So why losing someone so caring and understanding.

    The risk for you, however, is to engage in thher endless mind-games and be hurt over amd over. I find she acts pushy pully and it doesn’t feel good to me.

    I know this is not what you would like to read… I am sorry about that. And I feel for you.

    So, if you find yourself capable of keep going with your life, meeting and dating other ladies, then I would probably keep seeing her as a friend for a while to see where it takes you.

    But, if you are really involved and and she occupies most of your daydreams, then it is probably a good idea to go no contact with her in order to forget her and move on.

     

     

     

    #223363

    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Again!

    Well, aside from the sexual part to her, you sound like the Total Package. You obviously sincerely care about her, and that is catnip to most women! She may also be on a subconscious power trip with making plans and then blowing you off.

    Long Term Plan: Tell her (the next time she calls) that you are dating other people (whether you are or not (PS date other people!)).

    The next time she asks to get together with you (only to blow you off) say that you are super busy. BUT! That you ARE going to this concert/music festival/church function/whatever on such-and-such a date.

    “Oh, I can’t make it then”.

    Say, “Oh well! I’ll post events that I’m going to on FaceBook and then you can run into me if you can.” (Only post like one event every month and a half). Tell her (PLEASE!) that her making plans and blowing you off isn’t working. This way, she can Run Into You like a Fan Girl, and you won’t be disappointed. In fact, to please not tell you if she’s going too. That you want to be surprised, not disappointed in her ~ for once!

    Time to totally change the dynamics brother!

    Inky

    • This reply was modified 9 months, 4 weeks ago by  Inky.
    #224207

    C
    Participant

    Hello again,  its been my birthday recently so I’ve been a little busy.  Just to clarify, we were sexual again after her saying she wanted a none-sexual relationship. A common theme in the relationship was her spontaneous nature.

    I generally agree with what you guys have said. If she wanted to fix things, she knows where I am. At the same time if she doesn’t feel like the old relationship would work, then why would she put effort into fixing something she sees as a lost cause? It’s up to me to open her up to the idea of a relationship 2.0.

    Anyway I thought it only right that I update my progress. She has continued to talk to me and has opened up about negative things in her life. She also made sure to ring me on my birthday and then sent a thoughtful birthday message on top of that. Not a lot to really go by, more a friendly courtesy in my eyes. Then again, she could have just called or messaged, and called it a day. My worry is that I’m becoming seen as an emotional crutch. Although I care about her a great deal, I should be directing it at someone who will reciprocate it. I’m going to ask her if she wants to go for a coffee this week. If she rejects it out of hand then I can walk away knowing I’ve done all I could.

    #224243

    anita
    Participant

    Dear C:

    I agree with the reciprocity aim in “Although I care about her a great deal, I should be directing it at someone who will reciprocate it”. I hope you post again, perhaps after that coffee invite.

    anita

    #225841

    C
    Participant

    Hi everyone, I hope you’re all well. I thought I’d update on what’s happened over the past 2 weeks.

    I initially asked to meet her last Saturday, the Wednesday before the planned meet, to which she said she’d need to see if she was free. However due to the unexpected death of a family pet, I decided it was better to push it back as I didn’t want to have it dominate my emotions and the conversation. It turned out she was busy that day anyway. So I said that I should be in the area next weekend, which she didn’t acknowledge.

    So we continued to talk throughout the week and I asked her if she was free this Saturday. She then replied saying ‘please don’t see this as me avoiding you……. my sister doesn’t know anyone in the area so we’re (family) going to spend some time with her.’. Her sister has moved to a new job, about 30 miles away from their home, only 2 weeks ago and I completely agree that she should put her sister first. However I’m not sure how to move forward.

    Part of me thinks it’s up to her to now say when she’s free, or at least give hints that she’s not doing anything. On the other hand, technically she’s only pushed me back once so asking her again in a couple of weeks might also be a good option? That way I can then honestly say I’ve given her ample opportunity to explore any residual or new feelings she might have, if any at all.  At the end of the day actions speak louder than words. If she wanted to see me she’d be putting herself in a position were we’d be meeting…I think for my own sake I should put her to the back of my mind if she isn’t prepared to meet.

    #225851

    anita
    Participant

    Dear C:

    You wrote in your recent post: “That way I can then honestly say I’ve given her ample opportunity to explore any residual or new feelings she might have”-

    I don’t think she is focused enough, or has the presence of mind, to explore much about anything. She is too busy, multi tasking, otherwise occupied, here, there, everywhere and nowhere in particular.

    anita

     

    #225859

    C
    Participant

    You’re right. She’s not one to admit weakness (it’s not a weakness but I think she’d view it as such) but I honestly feel like she’s depressed. She texted me out of the blue once that she’d taken a day off work and was sitting in her room drinking wine…. If I’m being honest I’m a little worried about her. I want to support her but I feel at a total loss as to what to do, now we’re not in a relationship. I asked if she was OK but she just brushed it off.

    Maybe setting a deadline is a little obtuse, and I should just continue to keep things amicable. With the mentality that it’s never going to progress past text and the occasional call.

     

    #225871

    anita
    Participant

    Dear C:

    Reads like she is in distress and has been in distress for a long time. Because of this significant distress I don’t think she is available for a healthy relationship. She needs to resolve her family conflicts and ineffective functioning in life as it is now before she can be available for a healthy, functioning relationship.

    anita

    #236009

    C
    Participant

    Hello guys,

    It’s been a while since I last updated this so I thought I should.

    Not a lot has really changed since I last posted. Whilst she still talks to me, and keeps me updated in important events in her life via text and call, we still haven’t met. I deliberately haven’t asked to meet until it was plausible to meet for a coffee/drink, without it looking like I was engineering a date… So with my appointment for my check up next week, I’ve asked if she wants to meet after work. She said she didn’t have an issue with meeting, which isn’t exactly enthusiastic but maybe she’s a little apprehensive.

    Now that she’s tentatively agreed to meet, I’m starting to think a lot about what I’m hoping to achieve from all this. Although she’s starting a new job and is confident about the future, I still don’t feel she’s settled on a path. As for me, I’m still working towards building my career and building myself up on a personal level. So knowing that not a lot has changed since we broke up, I don’t believe getting into a committed relationship would end well for us. I suppose what I’m hoping to do is open her up to the idea of doing things together as ‘pseudo-friends’, without the complications of a relationship. Whilst making my feelings clear. Then if we both want it, entertain the idea of building something together if the time is right. I don’t know if that’s realistic or not. Although I’ve been on a number of dates, and I’m moving forward with the belief it’s not going to come off, I just don’t trust my objectivity right now. With that being said I feel that if things don’t evolve beyond this pen pal status, it’s going to fizzle out.

    Personally if she meets me (I’m not sure she will until we actually meet) I’m going to steer well away from talk about our relationship, unless she brings it up. Just focusing on having a good time and making her laugh, kind of like a first date. Then see if she texts me about how she had a good time,  go from there? Bringing up the idea of doing more things together.

    I’d really appreciate some input on my plan .

     

    #236025

    loleta
    Participant

    Ok.  I think she may be a bit of a long shot.  All of her signs indicate a lot of non-interest in taking it beyond this “pen-pal” level.

    I pretty much believe if someone is really interested in you….you won’t have to guess, second-guess or engineer meetings.

    Keep dating.  You sound like an amazing guy!

    Loleta

    #236029

    anita
    Participant

    Dear  C:

    “Is It Worth Fighting  For?” is in the title of your thread. This is the question, still.

    anita

     

    • This reply was modified 7 months, 2 weeks ago by  anita.
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