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November 15, 2018 at 1:16 pm #237023
loletaParticipantJohn,
I think you gave her your “power”. It’s in you and has been in you all along. I am not sure I can adequately explain, but I will try. From reading your posts….it seems as soon after you met her, you felt needy and felt intensely. My thoughts are that you gave her your power through your assessment of her. She became bigger than life to you.
Your current girlfriend can’t compete with your ex. You didn’t do “life” with your ex as you are with your girlfriend right now. In addition, your ex can’t compete with your current girlfriend. Your ex bailed while your current girlfriend is sticking close by you.
It is a fantasy….although in your mind it is very real. Our mind does play tricks on us. Those are the times we must trust others to guide us with their light/insight.
I was in a situation very similar to what you are describing and I felt the very same emotions you are also describing. I knew that they were not rational and not based in reality. You will get through this. I promise. Try and stop those pink cloud fantasy thoughts with gratitude for the here and now. Be present.
Loleta
November 9, 2018 at 7:12 am #236161loletaParticipantJohn,
I am guessing she has her own insecurities. Could be why she doesn’t “hear” you when you compliment her. No matter what happens, keep doing the next “right” thing. Loving your family and yourself.
Loleta
November 8, 2018 at 11:08 am #236025loletaParticipantOk. I think she may be a bit of a long shot. All of her signs indicate a lot of non-interest in taking it beyond this “pen-pal” level.
I pretty much believe if someone is really interested in you….you won’t have to guess, second-guess or engineer meetings.
Keep dating. You sound like an amazing guy!
Loleta
November 8, 2018 at 10:49 am #236023loletaParticipantJ….sending you light and hugs.
Do not go down that slippery slope. It would be a very costly decision in terms of trust, your inner sense of well-being, etc. I’m not sure how much of your feelings are from a fantasy in your head about this other person?? We tend to ascribe the things missing in our own relationships to “another person”.
I would challenge you to avoid this other person for a period of time, say 30 days or so. During that time….put the energy you were expending there on the here and now relationship you have.
Feelings aren’t always meant to be acted on. Thankfully!!!!
Just my thoughts. Loleta
November 8, 2018 at 8:25 am #235989loletaParticipantHi Ambar,
I did experience this. It was when I was younger. I hated it. It seemed to be worse for me during peri-menopause. I’m not sure of your age. There are several suggestions that could help….exercise…..avoid caffeine…..treat yourself very kindly during that phase. There are medical suggestions I could offer as well. Let me know if you would like those.
Loleta
November 7, 2018 at 10:48 am #235847loletaParticipantWell….I know for sure I don’t like dry turkey or chicken!! I rarely cook turkey. I do use chicken quite a bit. I usually have my pan hot so it sears it and then the juices stay in. I think that is the secret. I’m not a big grill person. Lol…..I used to start stuff on the grill and then race inside and prepare other things (sides, accompaniments) only to realize the food on the grill was on fire!!!! Better for me to stay in one area.
I’m better now that I’m older, but in younger years, I got “sidetracked” very easily. Lol. I’d start stuff and forget as soon as I was onto the next thing. Thank goodness, I’m not that bad now.
This year for Thanksgiving, I will be in Florida on a small vacation. I have a dear friend who lives there and I am going to see her and spend some time near the ocean.
Do you cook for Thanksgiving?
Loleta
November 7, 2018 at 8:13 am #235817loletaParticipantJohn,
I must confess I’ve only read a few of the posts in this thread….but a really good saying came to mind that was told to me.
Let me preface it with saying that I also have been “hooked” on someone. I’ve struggled alot.
“Don’t look back, you aren’t going that way”. The past and reminiscing has such a powerful spell and draw to us…. because the lighting is fuzzy and everything seems more perfect than it was.
The present is exactly that…..a gift. I am trying to stay in the present (the “gift”) and not look back.
🙂 Loleta
November 7, 2018 at 8:07 am #235811loletaParticipantI love vegetables! I like my meat mainly well-done….lol. I also took a class on knife techniques, we practiced cutting up lots of veggies. Yum!
November 7, 2018 at 6:33 am #235797loletaParticipantAnita….
I realized the same thing….I feel sorry for the “child” trapped inside. It’s the child I love and connect with. It’s the child I felt like I could help heal. However….it’s the man that is monstrous! He has a cycle where he gets down and the child part of him comes out and I take pity and then “poof”, he is better and I’m not really needed.
At the end of the day. He is not a trustworthy man. That is enough for me to logically stay away.
I like most forms of cooking, but baking is my least favorite. I have taken a few classes on making a really good risotto. I love to make good stews and soups. I like to stir-fry also.
How about you?
November 7, 2018 at 5:42 am #235787loletaParticipantMark and Anita,
You both hit on good points. Valuing myself and not feeling sympathy.
It’s definitely been a dance with the devil. A long and arduous journey.
I have been doing more for myself….cooking classes, train trip into the city and in general rediscovering what makes me feel “light”. I also bought a treadmill :). I was a bit vigorous on mopping and polishing hardwood floors about 10 days ago and have been on an exercise hiatus! Lol. The old girl ain’t what she used to be.
It is very very very important for me to socialize and connect with people. I gave up all of my connections and outside interests for him. He demanded all my energy, even though I am certain he wasn’t consciously aware of that.
I love to cook, and have been doing more of that. I treated myself to some good chef knives after one of my cooking classes. I also love to design jewelry and will be revisiting that next.
My goal is to do one thing socially each weekend at the minimum so that I don’t hibernate.
Thank-you!
November 6, 2018 at 12:53 pm #235721loletaParticipantDear Anita,
Yes….that is correct. I also think there is a part of me that feels “sorry” for him when I do stop all contact (he has usually gotten around this by various email accounts). It has been extremely frustrating for me. A very crazy cycle.
In the past when we were apart, I was able to date a guy and did not feel compelled to be in touch. However, he usually found ways to get in touch with me. We live in a small community.
Part of me wants to pick up and move away and start over.
🙂 Loleta
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