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This topic contains 5 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  anita 5 days, 17 hours ago.

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  • #235897

    J.
    Participant

    My husband and I have been married six years but together for about fifteen. Lately I have been having feelings for a coworker. I told my husband about my feelings. While I think my hubby is trying harder, I still am having feelings for the coworker. I have not acted upon the feelings because I do respect my husband, but I don’t know how to make the thoughts stop.

    #235999

    anita
    Participant

    Dear J:

    Would you like to share about your relationship with your husband? If I remember correctly, you used to live with him in the back of his parents’ home, then moved out  with him, living away from his parents but he was unhappy, do I remember  correctly?

    anita

    #236021

    J.
    Participant

    Hi Anita! Thanks for responding. That particular instance is not me.

    Sometimes I feel like a mother in the relationship. We sleep together when he is scared of losing me. Some of the issues are also financial.

    I know that we are having issues, being as though I am having thoughts of someone else. It might be “the grass is greener” idea (he might not even be interested in me!), but this man has aspects that I do not see in my own husband. Maybe my needs have changed. Then I think (or am scared) because my husband and I are so compatible. Soul mates if you will (but then why am I having feelings for someone else?? No idea…) The relationship is far from perfect, but I seem to have lost some interest and  do not know what to do about it. Or how to fix it.

    I am just having a hard time not saying something to this other man. I just feel like I need to get it off my chest, but I told my husband that I would not “do him wrong”. Telling this man would be highly inappropriate, but I cannot seem to let it go.

    #236023

    loleta
    Participant

    J….sending you light and hugs.

    Do not go down that slippery slope.  It would be a very costly decision in terms of trust, your inner sense of well-being, etc.  I’m not sure how much of your feelings are from a fantasy in your head about this other person??  We tend to ascribe the things missing in our own relationships to “another person”.

    I would challenge you to avoid this other person for a period of time, say 30 days or so.  During that time….put the energy you were expending there on the here and now relationship you have.

    Feelings aren’t always meant to be acted on.  Thankfully!!!!

     

    Just my thoughts.  Loleta

    #236049

    anita
    Participant

    Dear J:

    I  will re-read your previous thread/s so  to remember correctly and your recent post on this thread when  I am back to the computer in about sixteen hours from now. Will reply  to you then.

    anita

    #236143

    anita
    Participant

    Dear J:

    I refreshed my memory: it was your grandparents’ home where you and your husband lived while trying to sell your own home, and you were annoyed with your parents for not putting more work into the grandparents’ home. On another thread you were  annoyed with the trivial, repetitive conversations with your parents. But you  keep the relationship with your parents, no matter how annoying, correct? Most  adult children do.

    The thing is, in the context of marriage, when your husband  annoys you (and  all  people do), unlike the context of the parents,  you feel that there is a way out, not having to endure the annoyances or boredom, having this option of another man. Another man is that greener grass  idea  you mentioned.

    I think it is natural for any married woman to sometimes get tired  of her husband, no matter  how good the relationship. It is natural in any relationship. And then, it is natural to look for something interesting and exciting to replace  the boredom and the same-old-same-old.

    Problem is, if the same-old-same-old includes trust, and he has been honest and loyal to you all these years, if you betray his trust, you would lose everything that matters. The excitement of the greener grass will weaken and die and the trust,  that ground under your feet, the ground on which you stood, will not be there anymore.

    anita

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