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Seeking clarity

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This topic contains 12 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  anita 1 week, 3 days ago.

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  • #235685

    loleta
    Participant

    I will try to make this as condensed as possible.

    I fell in love with a man and have had a very rocky 7 year relationship.  Last November, he came back into my life and proposed.  We got married.  It only lasted 6 months.  My choice (ending the marriage).

    I can not get over him.  I can not make my brain stay clear.

    Here are the details….He is 9 years older.  He is 62.  His job is such that he is only occupied about a half-hour per day, the rest of the time he is free.  I work full-time.

    1.  He cheated on me a few times earlier on in our relationship because he felt like I wasn’t spending enough time with him and he felt lonely and unloved.

    2.  He cheated on me with same person while I was living with him (again, earlier in relationship).

    3.  Everything is always my fault.  He tells me this.  He is the victim.

    4.  I do not trust him and I never will.

    5.  Our good times are great, but the lows are scary low.

    6.  I’ve exhausted my friends about him.  They simply do not understand why I choose to remain in contact with him.  Me either.  My children (ages 22 and 18), will not have anything to do with him.

    7.  I have tried counseling.  I think I’m a lost cause regarding him.  They all have said the same thing…it’s all about him, he can’t meet your needs, etc.

    8.  Yet, I stay in contact.  If he texts and is sad, I respond, etc.

    Thank-you.

    #235717

    anita
    Participant

    Dear loleta:

    I think you are seeking clarity regarding why you stay in contact with him, correct?

    If this is the question then I think you stay in contact with him because you are emotionally attached to him and you are lonely. Rationally you know he is not a good choice and that is why you ended the marriage. Emotionally there is no  other love interest in your life, so he is the only one. Therefore your attachment to him cannot be substituted yet.

    I will soon be away from the computer for about fifteen hours. If I read from you soon I will respond. Otherwise, I hope to read from you when I return.

    anita

    #235721

    loleta
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Yes….that is correct.  I also think there is a part of me that feels “sorry” for him when I do stop all contact (he has usually gotten around this by various email accounts).  It has been extremely frustrating for me.  A very crazy cycle.

    In the past when we were apart, I was able to date a guy and did not feel compelled to be in touch.  However, he usually found ways to get in touch with me.  We live in a small community.

    Part of me wants to pick up and move away and start over.

     

    🙂  Loleta

    #235725

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Loleta:

    I wonder why you feel sorry for him?

    I think the motivation is right there, in feeling sorry for him. You wrote that in the relationship with him he was the victim and everything was your fault. You didn’t buy into it, did you?

    anita

    #235735

    Mark
    Participant

    Loleta,

    There are strategies to separate yourself from him as you well know.

    Block him on your phone and social media (or delete him).

    Do not respond if he does reach you.  This can be a mindfulness exercise when he does reach out to you, you can pause, breath, and decide not to respond.

    Focus on nurturing yourself, i.e., be active, be social with others, meditate, exercise.

    Frankly I think it is a you are not valuing yourself enough to give him up.

    I believe a good therapist does not tell you what you need to do but help you become healthy within yourself plus have tools to use to practice good mental health.

    Mark

    #235787

    loleta
    Participant

    Mark and Anita,

    You both hit on good points.  Valuing myself and not feeling sympathy.

    It’s definitely been a dance with the devil.  A long and arduous journey.

    I have been doing more for myself….cooking classes, train trip into the city and in general rediscovering what makes me feel “light”.  I also bought a treadmill :).  I was a bit vigorous on mopping and polishing hardwood floors about 10 days ago and have been on an exercise hiatus!  Lol.  The old girl ain’t what she used to be.

    It is very very very important for me to socialize and connect with people.  I gave up all of my connections and outside interests for him.  He demanded all my energy, even though I am certain he wasn’t consciously aware of that.

    I love to cook, and have been doing more of that.  I treated myself to some good chef knives after one of my cooking classes.  I also love to design jewelry and will be revisiting that next.

    My goal is to do one thing socially each weekend at the minimum so that I don’t hibernate.

     

    Thank-you!

     

    #235795

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Loleta:

    You are welcome. But it is not only me and Mark who brought up  good points, you did too, starting with your original post, excellent points, organized, clear, making terrific sense. No doubt you did the right thing to end this marriage and relationship.

    Regarding feeling sorry for a man who cheated on you repeatedly, one you can not trust because he is untrustworthy, I used to feel sorry for an uncaring, selfish and hurtful adult because I saw the hurting, innocent child locked in there. But if the uncaring adult will not access that child-within and keeps him locked away while choosing to be unloving, well, better that I stay out of the way of harm.

    I hope you do socialize, enjoy the company of people, cooking, making jewelry. What kind of cooking is your favorite?

    anita

     

    #235797

    loleta
    Participant

    Anita….

    I realized the same thing….I feel sorry for the “child” trapped inside.  It’s the child I love and connect with.  It’s the child I felt like I could help heal.  However….it’s the man that is monstrous!  He has a cycle where he gets down and the child part of him comes out and I take pity and then “poof”, he is better and I’m not really needed.

    At the end of the day.  He is not a trustworthy man.  That is enough for me to logically stay away.

    I like most forms of cooking, but baking is my least favorite.  I have taken a few classes on making a really good risotto.  I love to make good stews and soups.  I like to stir-fry also.

     

    How about you?

     

    #235803

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Loleta:

    Then we experienced something very similar, the child-in-the-monster.

    I am not a cook but I think I know good cooking. I prefer high protein and fiber dishes, less starch and oil, more vegetables and lean meat, meat not overcooked, medium rare, tender and juicy, vegetables retaining their individual flavor and texture, again, not overcooked, I love bread (not all bread is created equal!), lots of different ethnic foods.

    anita

    #235811

    loleta
    Participant

    I love vegetables!  I like my meat mainly well-done….lol.  I also took a class on knife techniques, we practiced cutting up lots of veggies.  Yum!

    #235821

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Loleta:

    Vegetables are wonderful, and make great stir fries, low calorie and high volume, and if the meat is let’s say chicken breast, it makes it moist and easy to take in. One problem with cooking chicken breast is to not have it come out too dry, which is a big challenge in the coming Thanksgiving holiday, turkey that is too dry. What people do to counter that is to add lots of gravy to the dry turkey.

    What is your position on turkey/ chicken that is too dry?

    anita

    #235847

    loleta
    Participant

    Well….I know for sure I don’t like dry turkey or chicken!!  I rarely cook turkey.  I do use chicken quite a bit.  I usually have my pan hot so it sears it and then the juices stay in.  I think that is the secret.  I’m not a big grill person.  Lol…..I used to start stuff on the grill and then race inside and prepare other things (sides, accompaniments) only to realize the food on the grill was on fire!!!!  Better for me to stay in one area.

    I’m better now that I’m older, but in younger years, I got “sidetracked” very easily.  Lol.  I’d start stuff and forget as soon as I was onto the next thing.  Thank goodness, I’m not that bad now.

    This year for Thanksgiving, I will be in Florida on a small vacation.  I have a dear friend who lives there and I am going to see her and spend some time near the ocean.

    Do you cook for Thanksgiving?

     

    Loleta

    #235869

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Loleta:

    This is the secrete- to sear the chicken on a hot pan so the juices stay in and another secret is to not get sidetracked and forget the food that is being grilled elsewhere. I am not cooking for Thanksgiving, my husband cooks, he is a great cook, bakes bread as well, incredible. We do  Cornish hens for Thanksgiving, fits two people, they don’t get dry being so small.

    Are we sidetracked with food, sidetracked from the topic of your thread?

    Florida: the beach will be lovely, I am sure. Something to look forward to, socializing and the sun and ocean.

    anita

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