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Kirty

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  • #99810

    Kirty
    Participant

    Thank you Anita, I relate to what your saying though feel a little embarrassed about all my posting that you read! Haha. I like to post these things online ad no one knows who I am, but my questions are out in the open now, and I realise I’ve been bewildered for what seems like forever :/ ! Thank you so much for your response and your time and energy put into writing back to me, it really helps and your absolutely right about the having ‘a logical understand that ‘fixes’ everything. It really doesn’t.. It’s like if I could just understand this one thing all will be fine again.

    I have been in physiotherapist but only get 10 free sessions a year where I live, so probably haven’t stayed long enough, ice been through a few different therapists a few of which I didn’t truly connect with, so you could be right there. My current therapist is having me do inner child work, which I feel helps, but still atm is at a logical understanding. I have tried to journal, look at my emotions etc as well as my thought processes but I feel I’m constantly analysing these things, so it keeps me in a cycle of isolation and self reflection just st as much as plain thinking of the past does.. I dissociate, it’s a struggle to connect and FEEL the moment, something called derealisation, my mind/body has begun dissociating due to all the stress caused by thought and overwhelming emotion. It has become better but I still feel I am living in a constant state of thought not really experiencing or living life, and over the last couple of years it has turned out that I’m now just constantly irritable, anxious, on the defensive and waiting until ‘that moment’ where I can begin to live again. Just had seemed hopeless! No matter what good comes into my life!

    I do try to control each and every situation down to the conversations I have, and it does push people away you are so right I have noticed this, I push my partner away, and then I feel guilt and become the opposite, neediest person alive, he has called me crazy. I just want to break the cycle really, I’m tired!!!

    Thank you so much again and thank you to those who relate and responded to me, xxx it is nice to now that these things happen and perhaps I’m not doomed forever. Though it does seem it has been forever already. Thank you again 🙂 xxxx

    #44403

    Kirty
    Participant

    wow I repeat myself a lot..

    #43207

    Kirty
    Participant

    thanks so much for the replies 🙂 I have so many questions (matt) lol I should probably stop analysing things so much.. but I feel passionate about gaining insight and im just in awe of things all the time.. its weird! totally get what your saying, I have thought to mysaelf in circumstances and situations ‘if I was happy in my life and feeling good about myself would I be viewing this person/this situation this negatively and personally?” and the answer is usually no.. so I get when that when you are feeling low and sad/dark then that’s what you see, and when your feeling the opposite you see good things, and don’t take things so personally and negatively? something like that?

    I am wondering though how you can surround yourself with like minded people when there aren’t any around, like what if someone has no “tribe” or similar people around that they can relate to and share with, what if you don’t know where you fit and you’re in an in-between period where you can’t relate to anyone (or so it seems)..

    I like that view of the people in your life, that they are there to help you grow whether they are negative or positive influences, they are there to teach you the lessons your yet to learn (Its said all the time, but you gain a better understanding when your aware and in the situation I think or when you analyse it like I do! lol). There are just some people in my life that I am meeting that I am confused about, I am living with 3 flatmates, I don’t know if this sounds absolutely nuts or crazy (I look into things pretty deeply sometimes) but I see them all as reflectors of certain parts of me, one of them hides in his room all day and rarely socializes (me to a T and how I have been behaving the pst years and how I feel ALOT of the time still, unfortunately.. or fortunately who knows), the other who is needy & sort of negative but well meaning & very analytical and overly intrusive & kind of odd (the things I call myself when I am feeling judgmental about myself and insecure, I’m on guard analysing people and I call myself weird), and the other is kind friendly, warm and heart felt, independent and lovely (which is the part of me I love but miss) it’s strange but I feel like I see all of these things reflect from myself. is that weird? im just so curious about the whole thing. I probably analyse too much. I like what you say about the club metaphor aswell, as when the more negative flatmate would talk to me and would usually state his opinions about the type of person he thinks I am, I told myself after it happened that I don’t have to take those labels and let it define me, I can see it as his opinion, and walk away to continue being myself instead of being caught up in the judgments of others, that’s a kind of mindfulness technique yeah?

    I love what you say alia, deciding who you allow to influence you and who not to, I love that and it is something I want to stay aware of and remember that I have that choice.. There are some totally negative people around I agree with that lol. Thanks so much for your advice 🙂 x

    #42241

    Kirty
    Participant

    thanks for that, that’s a good way to put it and pretty spot on to how ive been feeling a lot of the tine/most the time; seeing great and positive things everywhere and in everyone but feeling low about myself because of it (as ive been comparing my current and past circumstances to their seemingly ‘better’ situations) it also makes me a little impatient with myself as I do just want to be settled and experience joy and life instead of just watch it. I discount my orogress and forget where im at and why! lol I have been running atleast 3 days a week for a few moths now and that has helped a lot, makes me feel accomplished as I have improved my fitness a lot since starting and I always feel good about myself afterwards, I feel more centred (or as centred as I can be with my mind still racing) so I guess I should keep that up.. other than that I read positive things and do design work and listen to uplifting music, that almost always puts me in a good place atleast for a little while. But I understand how you need to take care and let go in order to function normally and continue to feel sort of alive! I have also been practicing meditation and breathing, im amazed at how breathing can help actually as I use to think and feel it did nothing; was just doing it wrong.

    I ALWAYS have found when I have felt settled in the past (talking way back when I was living at home at age 16) I felt completely whole and happy, I did feel beautiful as you say and confident within myself but havnt felt that way since I left, when things got stressful I guess.. I don’t know! & I do find going on facebook sometimes makes me compare even more so I have been trying to watch that and remind myself of where im at and what im doing about it.

    Thanks for your understanding and kind advice, it’s horrible feeling jealousy and insignificance and I felt crappy and ‘small’ for feeling it but I appreciate being reassured that it’s understandable to be feeling that way and I don’t have to beat myself up about it; it’s nice to have some positive feedback when I myself find it a challenge to give myself the same compassionate feedback. Thank you 🙂

    #42220

    Kirty
    Participant

    I completely understand what you are going through I have been there and still working my way out, what I have found through reading and expiriance is that taking time out and RESTING/giving yourself a break is really important, which can be really hard when you feel so anxious as doing nothing is the hardest thing to do lol, but lack of giving yourself space and time to relax in the past I think builds up and creates all of this anxiety, so the anxiety is sort of alarming you to slow down in a way.. when I first expirianenced anxiety at that level I couldn’t even write myself a cover letter when applying for jobs, I just simply couldn’t think straight and I felt like I had totally lost my mind, I even spent about an hour deciding what to wear for the day everyday and the tiniest things I couldn’t decide on, so it’s understandable that your not in the mind frame to apply for more work; I also think that not having much to fill out your day gives you more to stress and think about as your not really preoccupied with anything else, so I think it can make anxiety worse in the beginning but I usually make and did make to do lists everyday to ensure I kept myself busy. At the start it didn’t matter what I did though, the anxiety was still the same and sopmetimes still is, like my day just goes before my eye’s and i’m like what did I do and where did the day go?! to the point where it feels like I have stood still while the world passes by, even when I was/am really productive; it always just seems like our day is wasted because we are stuck inside our heads the whole time and we miss every thing that is going on around us. but it takes time.

    Not sure about what you should do, but what I have done myself is take time away from a stressful job (as it was contributing to everything for me) and try your best to look for a job that is a little more low key or at a place you feel comfortable explaining what you are going through. Remove the biggest stressors in your life including work, relationships and environment if it’s possible to do so and take it easy for a short time, do what you want and have a break. That’s what I have done, invloive yourself in things you are interested in aswell, that can really help 🙂

    I believe it’s ok to take a step back sometimes to absorb the noise and craziness and just rest and reflect, doesn’t mean you have to be jobless by the way.. Do things you enjoy and write in a journal about how your feeling and whats going on for you; you get a lot of answers by journaling I have found personally, they say the best time to journal is write before you go to sleep as that is when your sub conscious mind is most active and you end up writing things and thoughts that are right at the back of your mind which could be contributing to your anxiety. I have made many discoveries by journaling.

    Hope that has helped in some way.. 🙂

    hope your feeling well/better x

    #42218

    Kirty
    Participant

    Hi Matt thanks for that I understand completely 🙂 understanding is one thing though.. lol. I definatly compare myself a lot especially since I had a bit of a breakdown a year ago resulting from years of repressed hurt and constant anxiety =S and have found myself in the recent past finding it difficult to live normally and to even just communicate with others! it has been hard and frustrating and whilst I was going through the heaviest part of it all I was working in a beauty salon with girls who had big personalities and great social lives and I always compared where I was at to where they are at; always feeling insignificant and defeated (which is the way I saw it at the time) forgetting the fact that they were just at different stages in their lives and I justr happened to be in a tough one of my own.

    But the reason I posted the question is because I hae gone back to that same place after a years break to help the girls out over the busy period, and I went back with much more confidance as I have made a lot of progress (with anxiety, living and simply communicating with people) but 3 days in a began comparing again just like I had last time, and my confidance dropped, my self doubt kicked in and I felt as though I was right back to where I started. I found it disappointing and a bit of a fail on my part, I also saw how much I was comparing myself to the other girls and realized how much I use to, I became a little jealous and I just hate that :(. I don’t understand how all of this self work and healing can be thrown out the window in an instant, making me feel like all that I have done for myself since then has been a total waste of time. I don’t like comparing myself and I don’t want to feel jealous because I like the girls I work with and naturally I am an enthusiastic and supportive person and I cant stand feeling this way. And also still rejecting myself and not owning my own uniqueness and special qualities..

    Thanks so much for your response 🙂

    #38569

    Kirty
    Participant

    oh my advice seems pretty negative now after reading ‘E’s’ :-S. lol I could be wrong.. just my view from my experience really.. again, good luck 🙂

    #38568

    Kirty
    Participant

    sounds so much like me! maybe you are trying to hold on to the great feelings he gives you because it fills a hole inside. Mine use to (still does) say that I’m not good enough, I have to hold on to this thing/person to feel like i’m worthy, it’s that feeling of being attached to something and you have to have it or your world will be crushed even if that person is good/bad/don’t know them very well. I think your mind sometimes creates illusions and you dream up all the things that will make you happy if you just get them, I think when theres emptiness inside people attach themselves to things & those things like love, drugs, alcohol, smoking, partying etc they dive into what makes them feel good to temporarily fill that empty space. I know that’s pretty deep! lol but I think that could be the reality of the situation unless it is really love at first sight ;).

    When something makes you feel good you want as much of it as you can get, in my opinion things get obsessive when you are trying to cover up pain, or when you are trying to prove yourself to people because deep down you feel like your not worth it and you need to feel accepted & validated.. it would be a good idea to just chat to someone like a therapist to explore it deeper because I know from experience with guys and dating that it can be really frustrating and for me it just got worse until I explored the issue and if I was dating now I would still be struggling

    hope ive made sense and something here helps you 🙂

    good luck x

    #38566

    Kirty
    Participant

    Thank you so much 🙂 I understand 🙂 I am always making sure I don’t ‘feel’ certain things and that I CANT ‘think’ certain thoughts but I can see how that could quickly turn into tensions and obsessive control issues which is what I have been dealing with. Your so right, it’s like letting it come and letting things come and go without judgment or fear? I hear a lot of this stuff when I do guided meditations actually, guess it takes some time to really understand & ‘click’ !

    Thank you again!

    #38548

    Kirty
    Participant

    Thank you Matt and Patt, I understand both point of views (or facts more like it) and like you Patt I think I am aiming for the same thing, to attempt to have it figured out so I don’t have to suffer as much, and I can float more easily through life but I guess that’s kind of impossible and I understand that there is both good and bad, we will never be 100% constantly happy and enlightened; nit makes sense now why I get so disappointed with myself and what I have learnt (how slow I think im going) because I set such high standards for myself and expect the impossible, overnight! it’s an on-going thing? Maybe theres a lot to do with control aswell, trying to have a handle on everything to ensure a good outcome to avoid heartache always (like many others) but I guess that can be kinda crazy and irrational.

    I can see from a more grounded perspective after reading both, thank you so much for the insight its very valuable to me and I love your description matt, I love analogies especially the ones you used above 🙂 gives me such a clear understanding

    Thank you!

    Kirsty x

    #38520

    Kirty
    Participant

    that’s a good way of looking at it.. @joel

    =)

Viewing 11 posts - 1 through 11 (of 11 total)